Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Doesn't make her any better or innocent either way. 0 sympathy for cheaters, full sympathy for the OP.

Beside the point. Nobody's saying cheating is ok. You're talking about her passing one man's child off as another's but it sounds as though nobody knows who the father is.

Her husband should take the test, don't know why he hasn't. Or maybe he has.

Regardless of who's the partner, OP doesn't owe OW any consideration.

I agree, but her husband is responsible for any children he has.

I was thinking he probably has. It wouldn’t make sense to go asking others to take a test before checking if it’s the husband’s first.

This will affect OP no matter what. Her husband had an affair and there's possibly a child from that affair that he will have responsibilities towards.

There might be a time clock ticking. If he is the father, I would expect the OW to file for maintenance as soon as she can. Does the order in which claims are filed matter with regards to amounts of child support if OP decided to divorce and file for maintenance before or after OW's claim? I'd be asking a lawyer that pretty soon.

Husband is a cheating, duplicitous rat, however, I did not expect MN to be so sympathetic to a woman who cheated on her husband and lied about the paternity of her child, she sounds as charming as the husband!

OP do not Reach out to the OW.

Husband should do the right thing by all his children even if one was possibly fathered with that OW.

You concentrate on yourself, your children and rebuilding.

If he were that controlling, I doubt she would have found the time and regularity to be fucking OPs husband, don’t ya think?

Yes, good point. He might have had his reasons for seeming mean, if he knew or suspected what the real situation was as his wife had the cheek to be delighting in her pregnancy in front of the op.

Of course the OP's DH is deeply in the wrong, and of course the child is innocent and deserves to be acknowledged by a biological father, but how anyone can be criticising the OP for being angry with the OW I seriously don't know. I can only think some people have such serious bitterness towards men generally that they can't think straight.

You poor thing. I feel for you. Absolutely awful situation. Do you have children.?If so the situation is worse. Your husbanf is a bastard and she is as bad. She was also married and as you met her ,she knee he was a married man.
You are too upset at the moment to make decisions,but tell your husband you expect him to take test.
If he won't it will be very difficult for you to stay with him. An affair can be forgiven,with difficulty but refusing to accept he could be a father is beyond irresponsible.

He’s currently only legally responsible for the ones he has with OP. Whether he becomes responsible for this one will depend on whether paternity can be established, a denial of paternity accepted by the court, and any claim for child support against OP’s husband awarded and enforced. It also depends on whether the woman even wants and is prepared for a legal battle that could take years, with no guarantee of success.

That’s his business though.

Know someone in a similar position. The man left a pregnant woman and went on about his life and ignored child support requests. 4 years later CMS got a court ordered paternity test to enforce unpaid maintenance,he was found to be a father and immediately buggered off to Dubai where UK court orders aren't enforceable,meanwhile selling off UK assets before a debt order could be issued. Hope your dh rises up to the responsibility (if proven).

I was the, by the time I found out, adult child in this situation and I'm forever grateful my Dad was wonderful about it, as was his entire family, and accepted me into their lives. Tom Jones is an example of someone who did the opposite and I just feel so, so bad for his son and have a very low opinion of Jones because of it. It's not the child's fault if their parents behaved badly. Your husband helped create a human. It's pretty awful of him to deny the child knowledge of who they are, even if he isn't decent enough to provide a relationship.

My advice is to lean on your sister and get legal advice if you decide the marriage is over. You want to know what divorce may mean to you in order to make an informed decision.

As far as this woman and her child, they are no longer your concern. Concentrate on yourself and your own DC.

This!

Prove a familial match

But why would someone who he hadn’t slept with demand a test…it would be negative so no money 🤷‍♀️

Her husband definitely had sex with her otherwise the OW is wasting her own time and money and nobody elses

The thread has already moved on - she confirms he did sleep with her

The last few pages of this post have been totally derailed by a conversation that is nothing to do with the OP and her current, awful, situation.

This woman has posted for support and help on next steps and in the space of a couple of days has now had the affair confirmed and temporarily removed herself from the home. Being told she has a moral obligation to financially support the OW child - who may not actually even be his at this point - is unhelpful. She does not need this guilt on top of everything else she is feeling right now. If he is the father, that's on him, support will be down to him and relationships will come much, much later. The immediate situation is her marriage, the next few days, the fact he sound uncooperative if she decides to divorce and rightly, her own children. The other child is 6-7 years old, this isn't an instant fix.

Have some compassion for the OP, part of this Mumsnet community, who reached out for help.

OP - I hope you have managed to get some sleep overnight and that you have your family for support. What is your financial situation? You mention a shared business but independent finance, housing? You will need to get your ducks in a row to make an informed decision about your next steps. ETA: legal advice would be my next step just so you have a baseline of you possible moves. Don't let him control this, you get the knowledge and the facts and you choose for you.

Well said 👏

👏 @Focussingonme

Sorry op what a traumatic time for you brought on by two irresponsible people.

Your husband is a complete arsehole and only you can decide how you move forward from this but the child deserves to know who their father is.

I'm sorry this has happened OP. What a terrible shock. Look after yourself and your children.

I suggest you re-read my first comment (then the follow up). I mentioned the cheating and pointed out the OP wasn't asking about that and didn't seem concerned. Had they asked for advice on it, I would have replied.

I also discussed the child's rights and described they do have two parents and should be given access to all of their medical info.. Beyond that, no one is "entitled" to be told the name of an absent parent who is only absent due to bio mum sidelining them. Adults have a right to privacy. You're ignoring a lot of what I have said and seem vexed only because I'm not dragging the man. That's sexist.

If the OP wanted advice on the "possible" cheating: I'd have a lot more to say about him. I'm just sticking to the relevant points.

No one, man or woman, should have their life upheaved after anyone of any gender took the decision out of their hands. That's also what I said. It's not blaming women: just happens to be a woman this time.

There's important information missing so until the OP confirms how long it's been, I'll leave this thread.

Look if I was innocent and someone asked me to take a test as such, I will ABSOLUTELY not take it without the threat of jail. Sounds like OP’s husband is guilty but no chance I’m taking a test and it doesn’t mean everyone who refuses is automatically guilty.

you are right to consider contacting the other woman, he’ll just lie to you.
can you go on social media to find pictures, this will give you an idea if it’s true. Then leave your husband and let him deal with it anyway he wants. As you say It’s not your concern, your children are.