Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Sure the OW's exH would need to prove that he's not the father first?

Poor child.

Sounds like your husband had an affair with her. He needs to do the test.

That’s why they need OP to prioritize them. OP doesn’t owe this woman and her child any more consideration than this woman gave to her and hers.

It’s up to OP’s husband how he wants to respond. If he wants to deny paternity and refuse a test then he can. Maybe this woman will choose to pursue it, if she is able to, or maybe she won’t. Either way, it’s not OP’s responsibility to advocate for this child at all.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate Yes, it's possible that this is all part of a nasty divorce and custody battle, who knows.

It's definitely about the decisions the woman made! Why are you absolving her of any wrongdoing? She denied her child that right (allegedly) when she withheld this information at birth.

I don't agree that a person's life should be torn upside down years later just so another person knows who their bio dad / mother is. They can be given a medical background of their biological relations without being told who the person is. Why should this man's right to privacy be bulldozed over?

It would help us to know how long this woman lied. If one year: okay, he should get involved. If a decade: no chance in hell would I be getting involved now. And the mother would take full blame.

You have a husband problem because, if he wasn't willing to cheat, there'd be no OW.

My dad who was married to my mum paid absolute peanuts in child support until I was 16 and could have afforded to pay a lot more and he had to be forced to do that. If you get someone pregnant the decent thing to do is pay for your child.

My dad has another family that he did support financially.

Your husband shouldn't be a cunt. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Terribly sorry. But I completely resent my dad for leaving my mum in that situation. If your ex stuck his dick in someone and has a child he can pay for that child

Because if he is a heartless cunt to get someone pregnant behind your back and then refuse to take a DNA test and pay for the child you are so much better off without him

Maybe you should feel sympathy for her. He's the issue here. He caused all of this. He wasn't forced to sleep with her. He clearly wanted to. He's a pig but the child is the innocent party in all of this

He's the problem here. He made it clear he was available for sex when he was married to you.

This. Exactly this. Does anyone force these married men to stick their dick in other women? No. End of.

So the responsibility for the affair is solely the husband’s, and the OW owed OP and her children nothing, yet at the same time OP owes this woman and her child her support when it comes to the paternity request? Even if that means her own household losing money?

Lol. No.

I met her at a wedding with her husband and they were so happy about their pregnancy after their fertility problems.

They were both married and both cheated, they're equally to blame for this situation.

Given the above statement from the OP, I wonder whether the OW's husband had the fertility problems and she was willing to find a sperm donor elsewhere. No excuse, but a possible motivation.

Where did I say any of that in my post. Don't you dare put words into my mouth. I didn't say the Op owes the child anything but her husband does as he got her pregnant. You go around these boards laughing at people. Don't do it to me. I don't appreciate it. What a miserable person you must be to respond to the post I made above about my dad and laughing about it. Off you jog.

I had an OW problem too in the end when they were found out. Very messy.

I also didn’t have my life blown apart by a legal letter, I can’t imagine what the OP feels like x

The OP owes the OW nothing, nor does she owe the child. But her husband (should they stay together, I hope they don't) DOES owe the child financial support. If that then affects the OP's household finances then so be it, but that is the price she has to pay for staying married to a man who fathered a child.

You're completely in the wrong on so many levels. Her husband fathered a child and he can pay for that child. My mum struggled because my father paid two pounds a week until I was 16 and he has another family he had when he remarried that he did support

You go LOL at that. Hes a father and if he has any decency about him he'll pay child maintenance. Don't you dare mock my family situation and don't put words into my mouth I didn't say. And don't ever respond to me again. Hth.

He's the one who shagged this woman and got her pregnant. No one forced him at fucking gunpoint

I didn’t anticipate that you would appreciate it. You may as well save yourself the blustering, however. It’s pointless.

‘Moral responsibility’ is irrelevant. The only thing he could actually be bound by is legal responsibility, and he currently has none. We don’t have anywhere near enough information to judge whether that is likely to change or not.

Your husband had an affair and probably conceived a child. Not taking the test is shirking his greatest responsibility - to his children. I could not remain married to someone who acts like that. I would tell him he takes the test or we get divorced. Yes they were both in the wrong but he was the one who betrayed you. She was just someone you met at a wedding and did not have any particular loyalty to you.

I mocked the notion that the OW owed the OP and her children nothing, yet OP should encourage her husband to take the DNA test for the benefit of this woman and her child. It’s not OP’s problem.

If you choose to share personal information on a forum, particularly information you’re sensitive about, it would be wise to keep in mind the fact that you are no longer in control the audience, and nor can you dictate who responds to you.

Are we forgetting that the OW is married also? She also cheated on her partner, so she's also a nasty piece of work. I don't think she's any better than OP's DH. In fact I'd go so far as to say she's worse, passing off her affair baby as her husband's, letting them bond, and now (potentially if this is about a custody battle) ripping them apart.

You mention nothing about the father whatsoever.

I was suggesting that the rights of the child supersede that of irresponsible adults of either sex. To make this claim is not 'absolving the woman'. I note you conveniently ignore the significantly greater part played by the cheating man in this scenario. But this should not come back to haunt him, of course.

Let me guess, everything is always the woman's fault. Am I right?

seen your last update
so sorry OP. What a rat.
I’m pleased you have a sister to help with the immediate practicalities
this will feel raw right now. But you have a better life ahead.

Until the test is taken, it's not known whether the child is from the affair or not.

OP's DH has already admitted they had an affair so we know she also cheated. If people think DH is a disgusting human for cheating on the OP, then surely OW is also disgusting for cheating on her husband by the same logic, child or no child.
So imo OP has zero responsibility to reach out to OW, or do anything really other than look after herself and her kids.

Yes, we know they both cheated. But at this point, we don't know who the child's father is. It sounds like OW herself does not know, if both men think it could be them.

OW's husband should take the test. I guess there could be a third potential father but it seems unlikely.