Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

I agree. I just hit a but wound up with the PPs post, not how the OP may be feeling because that's understandable.

Anything to do with kids I automatically imagine what if it was happening to one of mine, so I apologise if I've come across overly sensitive!

The OP owes this child nothing. The child’s mother and father made unwise decisions and they are fully responsible for his/her upbringing.
The OP only has a responsibility to her own DC and facilitating a relationship with the potential half sibling is not on her. It’s on Dad.
OP glad to hear you’ve disengaged from this situation. Let your husband clean up his own mess

So your husband cheated on you, potentially has another child and you’re ‘disappointed’ ?! You seem weirdly off about all this?! Is he saying there’s no chance he’s the father because they have never slept together or is he admitting to it?! I’d be livid, wtf?!

Actually it’s the exact response I would give if my advice had been sought in a legal capacity. OP is the only one that is a gong to prioritize her own interests and those of her children here, and that’s what she needs to focus on. The last thing she should is inadvertently disadvantage herself in service of ‘compassion’. This woman is advocating for herself and for her child, OP isn’t morally obliged to aid her in this.

I haven’t told OP to encourage or dissuade him. I’ve advised against encouraging him, as PP’s have suggested. He’s a grown man that can make his own decisions.

I commented before reading your last post, sorry. Glad you are somewhere safe and supportive. What a twat he is. You deserve better and so do your children.

With the updates

Legal part aside.
You know he cheated - and need to decide what it means for you.

You know he might have parented another child - and you need to decide how you feel not only about that, but also about his current reaction to this issue.
Some women would consider "take responsibility" first approach - want to see him to step up and be the father the other child deserves. Some would consider "influence of their own children" first - and prefer him to deny it as much as possible and not divide his resources.
This is your choice and it might make sense to tell him your position.

Legal aspect - the world is getting smaller, EU and UK are connected in many ways.

We don't know the child's parentage legal status in Czechia. Given the child is around 6-7, it is quite possible that her husband used the standard (extendable) deadline in Czech law and proven he isn't a father, that would explain "why now".

If that husband was released from being the legal father, he can be replaced by agreement of mother and the new father or by court decision based on DNA tests.

Your husband can cooperate (test & declare parentage) or let it go to court, drag his feet and delay things, but if he is the father and the court proves it, he will be charged with costs of the court and child maintanance backdated through the court time.

Of course we don't know the situation for sure, if her husband is still the legal father, it differs.
However, the legal aspect is more important for him now that for you, Opera. You are deciding whether he is good enough person for you.

What a shit situation OP
In any crisis put on
your own life jacket first, I would get legal advice and I would let your sister handle messages from him.

So sorry @Operaofthephantom sending you a huge hug. Xxxxxxx

It’s one of those situations where honesty is best.
Does he know you know about the affair? Does his child impact the reasons you stay in the marriage (given the cheating etc).
What does she want from him do you think - what would be the worst outcome?

Very sorry to read this update op, I had hoped it was a case of jealous/crazy husband making wild accusations and the lady trying to disprove.

Take each day as it comes and look after yourself 💐

There’s an innocent child in this mess, their life will be turned upside down.

You must be going through hell OP. I’m glad you’ve got some support. The least your (ex) husband can do is the paternity test.

But the child may still be very young & have no notion of this, or what the mother’s aim is.
The woman may just want money.
The child presumably already has a “Father” as per the person who was in her life since she was born.
& the mother have no intention of telling the child, at least not for years

Yes, I feel for the child. Paternity must be identified.

It sounds as though you haven't read the full thread? Op has only discovered today that he is likely the father, so the child has had no impact on any reasons to stay in the marriage as yet- I expect there soon will be....

I really feel this thread should not be dominated by the child whose paternity is in question.

The op hasn’t posted for advice or sympathy on behalf of the child. We should all try and support her and give her advice to benefit herself and her children.

The child’s wellbeing is not OP’s problem. She is responsible for herself and her own children, and that’s what she needs to focus on.

I think we all feel sorry for the child. But the OW got her dc in this situation as well as OP's DH.

It's so childish when MN tries to make everything the yucky boy's fault. She and DH are as bad as each other - which, when you think about it, makes you feel even more sorry for the child.

I didn’t say you convict someone for murder without proof. I said you can know something without proof.

We don't know. The husband may not be going along with this anymore.

The OP has posted that her priority is her own children. Which is as it should be.

I cannot say how other people's children and family will feel abuot being deprived of a relationship with their sibling, whatever the causes. My elder half-brother was the product of my father's short-lived first marriage. It went tits up, and dear old dad did what deadbeat dads often do, he set up a new family of his own and discarded his first son because he couldn't be arsed with him.

His father and my mother disapproved strongly. (If I'd been my mother, it would have told me something about his character that would not allow me to stay). All he would say is that 'if he wants me, he knows where I am'. That isn't good enough by a wide margin. I was about 14 before I even knew of his existence.

There was no question about his paternity or his existence. My younger sibling and I were the only ones unaware of that. We didn't meet our brother until we were well into adulthood.

We were deprived of a relationship with our brother because our father was a lazy arse who couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with his own child. He was an abusive bastard as well, incidentally. Our brother got the rather better deal, but his own childhood of wondering why his father discarded him like garbage can't have been much fun, either.

I'm simply showing one family's perspective when a sibling is shoved out and the other children are deprived of the opportunity to know them. Other kids might not care. But if OP's children's best interests are her priority, it's best to look at the possibilities from a variety of perspectives.

This was ours. And we never forgave him.

I have never understood the MN approach of ‘you have a DH problem, not an OW problem’.

I too found about an OW. Both of them and her DH were left in no doubt what I thought of them when I did. My ‘OW’ was also a work wife and introduced herself to me at an event with her partner present.

@Operaofthephantom I am so sorry to read your update. You sound amazingly strong, you will surprise yourself how strong you can be for your kids and yourself. Big hugs 💐

It wouldn’t be at all unusual for OP’s children to choose not to have anything to do with a half sibling that was born because of an affair. It’s quite common, in fact.

No matter what OP does or doesn’t do, her children could judge her negatively in the future. It’s pointless trying to predict it. She can only deal with the situation as it is, not what it may or may not end up being.

So you are divorcing him, right?

So sorry op x

OP's husband also didn't give a shit about his own kids when he pursued an affair, and he does have a moral obligation to this child.

Why is why OP needs to file for divorce.

Mr Flydropper the Temu Casanova can live in a shitty bedsit and pay child support for all his children, in and out of wedlock. OP needs to protect her half of the marital assets and her half of her children's inheritance.