Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Awful way of looking at it. That poor child deserves to know who their biological family is. So selfish to only think about the money your husband might need to give to support them instead of you.

@whistlesandbells Good point. If they're getting divorced outside the UK, that country's laws could be very different. The husband could have suspected that the child wasn't his and be trying to avoid child maintenance. It could be v. complicated.

Yes but it doesn’t automatically mean H is, just that the other husband thinks it might be.

That poor child wouldn’t be my problem, anymore than my poor children were hers 🤷🏻‍♀️

I absolutely would protect my own interests, not play white knight for this woman and her kid. It’s fine if you don’t approve, as that wouldn’t be my concern either.

Just saw OP’s update, oh well. Sorry OP, that fucking sucks. 💐

So sorry this is happening to you OP. My advice is to get rid of your husband asap and get counselling. Men like this are wired up wrong and they don't change. He wasn't just unfaithful to you, he has betrayed the children he had with you and the child he had with her.

My dad got another woman pregnant while engaged to my mum. He never told my mum and I didn't know I had a big sister until we were well into adulthood. My mum split up with my dad because he then had an affair with someone else. He was then unfaithful to my step mum and now I have a younger brother who was also kept from me for most of my life.

I mention this because from your children's point of view, they will want to know about their brother or sister. They will be really angry with their dad for lying to you and to them. But they have a right to know about their half siblings.

My half siblings and I are very glad to know each other. We talk about the future and it's a comfort to know that when our dad gets old we have each other to rely on. When your husband is old, he may be relying on his kids and they may need to work together to look after him. His betrayal of you will have repercussions for the rest of your lives.

You need support to get your head around this. It's rubbish, but if you are a good role model for your kids, they will be like you, not him. The fact that you have already said your kids are your priority shows that you are a much better person than him. You've got this. You'll be fine.

I’ve gone to stay with my sister. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet but I needed to get away. She knows and I think that she will help me with this and practicalities.

The child is around 6-7.
Im devastated even though I kind of expected this after yesterday. It’s starting to sink in and it hurts like hell, and of course I feel like a fool

And no, I don’t feel any sympathy for her. Even if he isn’t the father she chose to fuck a married man and even had the audacity to refer to him as her “work husband” at the time. They are as bad as each other and I wish her good luck because he will be an absolute c*nt.

She will have already contacted him about this. He has already refused to accept paternity & she has upped the ante. He knows exactly what the goal of this DNA test is.
He is a lying cheating piece of scum.

Not your problem but it's HIS problem and one he should take responsibility for.

I also know my children would look at me differently if I was so dismissive over their sibling just to save a few pounds. But I guess we all install different morals into our children.

Maybe you should get a better job instead of relying solely on your husband? Then your kids won't miss out on extra money.

I am an adoptee and I'm really not at all sure her kids would. This is an exceptionally emotionally complex matter. You have literally no idea what your kids would feel like.

And also: your last two sentences are nasty but also bollocks. They own a company together and she works there - that is how the documentation came to her.

So he’s confessed? I’m so sorry you are going through this

I was replying to a PP, not the OP?

And I know my children so I do know how they would react. They also have half siblings they don't have a relationship with due to issues between their Dad and his ex. Not because they didn't want a relationship.

If she wants to try and legally establish his paternity and claim child support then no one is stopping her. OP isn’t obliged to help her in that endeavor.

I have plenty of my own money independent of my husband. It’s irrelevant. I wouldn’t be volunteering money regardless.

No one knows how her children will consider this in future. They may want a relationship with their half sibling, or they may not care in the slightest.

Just seen your update. Hope you are OK OP. What an awful position to find yourself in.

I also wouldn't feel any sympathy for either of them.

It’s absolutely fine not to give a shit about the ow. She blew your life up! I have no sympathy either.

Shock ones though or a situation that was managed when for example you and their dad split and he had another relationship?

IME the ones that are a shock the children don't connect to the person well (unlike in Long Lost Families.) They do see the parent in a different way though.

I don't disagree that it's better to find a way to tell the child in an age appropriate way, once it's confirmed.

To be clear, I feel awful for the OP here.and I could understand her upset, anger and not knowing what to do.

I don't however agree with PP encouraging her to ignore a child's existence to save money. Anyone with a heart would show compassion for a child who didn't ask for any of this and deserves to know who their biological Dad is, just as OPs children do.

I think that is down to the DH, not the OP. I really do. The OP is not obliged to take the lead on this, fill in a gap that should be filled her cheating twat of a husband.

It’s not the fault of OP and her children either. She owes them nothing.

She’s dealing with her own substantial emotional load, it’s not in any way her responsibility to assume the burden of theirs. They can look after their own interests. OP needs to focus on hers.

I'm sorry. It's good that you have supportive family in your sister. He has totally failed you in multiple ways and he sounds like a real sleazebag.

But now you know your husband is a cheating liar and you can't trust him to be truthful, especially about if she has previously been in contact with him about this. He didn't come to you, you found out accidentally through the letter. She is pursuing this legally, so it's not going away.

This is when you go to the doctor for STI checks, gather your info to protect yourself and your children from the fallout of your husband's affair and lawyer up. You say you have a company, it's jointly owned? Will it harm the company if his affair becomes public knowledge?

I am glad youre angry OP, sending strength 💐

I see your point. But I would hope at the very least they could understand that the child deserves to know where they came from, even if they choose not to have a relationship.

It's the H who has caused all this and I cannot help but feel total empathy towards a child who is 'second' to existing children simply because bio Dad couldn't be faithful. That is something that will affect them forever. More so than finding out your Dad is a cheat.

@LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers I think it's okay for the OP to give herself time to process this, prioritise other things including her own children. All of the children here are entitled to the truth, but no one should be shamed for how they feel.

She owes no one anything, but encouraging her to only think about money isn't the right response or helpful for anyone.

I could've understood the PP more if they'd talked about children's feelings but they didn't, it was solely about money.

All kids involved are going to have enough to deal with collectively so that's what should be concentrated on.

But I still believe that no one should go out their way to stop a child finding out their true parentage. OP doesn't need to do any more than not try to stop that happening.

What an arse, I can imagine the feelings you have just now. I was also first disappointed, let down and sad. When he continued to lie the anger grew in me like nothing I’ve ever felt. Be prepared for your emotions to be completely all over the place.