Page 16 | Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

Operaofthephantom · 2026-09-08T18:46:23+00:00

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy. Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy. He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to. I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

AnonAnonmystery · 09/09/2026 16:26

I take it he admitted this all today? Sorry 💐 even when you suspect something, find out it’s true feels 100% worse :(

NanFlanders · 09/09/2026 16:29

So sorry this has happened to you OP. Regardless of the legal situation though, he does need to engage, and if it is indeed his child, he needs to support them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2026 16:35

You poor thing, just a horrendous shock and awful situation. Be as furious as you like, your life is imploding because of the selfish actions of other people. Of course your priority is your own children. I’m so sorry 💐

LeedsLoiner · 09/09/2026 16:37

squarecrow · 09/09/2026 15:55

You can definitely know something even though you don’t have any proof. And affairs are one of those things imo. OP wouldn’t respond this way if she didn’t already know.

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I hope you're never on a jury with that approach to proof.

SerafinasGoose · 09/09/2026 16:42

Awkwardisfunny · 08/09/2026 22:41

Have you figured out what advice (if any) you want? I read your updates and it doesn't sound like you care if he is the bio-dad and it sounds like you don't want him to get involved if he is. That's entirely your choice.

I think people have missed that the child isn't suffering. The child has parents. It is possible that her partner found out he wasn't the biological dad and would explain the sudden contact from her. But that doesn't change that she didn't want your partner in the child's life at the start so it was her choice to not involve your partner; not his so no, he isn't a deadbeat for not getting involved now.

I know it can't happen to me but for the sake of argument: if a bloke randomly told me a decade later that I was the bio mother of his child, I wouldn't get involved either. Too late and also: imagine the emotional turmoil of knowing that this person stole your ability to raise your own child. It would be weird to get involved so much later on and it's not acceptable to rip apart someone's life like that.

Biology doesn't make a parent and she already decided your partner wasn't going to be a parent to that child. I would also ignore the test. I'd put a time limit / statute of limitations on women confirming the bio father too so this nonsense cannot come back to haunt men.

Regards the likely / possible cheating: that's a different conversation isn't it. And you haven't expressed any concern about it. Maybe you don't care.

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Here's a novel take. It's not about the decisions the mother made, or about the wellbeing of men who don't want to be responsible for the children they helped create.

It's about the best interests of the child, who has a fundamental right to know about their own parentage.

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2026 16:51

The issue for me would be that you shouldn’t be standing in between your own DC and their half siblings.

It would be a real shock for them to find out about their sibling through some future ancestry type test. You need to be able to tell them in an age appropriate way if the child/children are related to them.

fashionqueen0123 · 09/09/2026 16:52

Oh no :( he needs to do that test

thegrumblingkitten · 09/09/2026 16:53

You must be devastated to know he's betrayed you like this. I'm so sorry.

Batties · 09/09/2026 16:53

I’m so, OP. I really feel for both you and the poor child.

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:00

SerafinasGoose · 09/09/2026 16:42

Here's a novel take. It's not about the decisions the mother made, or about the wellbeing of men who don't want to be responsible for the children they helped create.

It's about the best interests of the child, who has a fundamental right to know about their own parentage.

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That isn’t OP’s problem.

MadinMarch · 09/09/2026 17:00

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2026 16:51

The issue for me would be that you shouldn’t be standing in between your own DC and their half siblings.

It would be a real shock for them to find out about their sibling through some future ancestry type test. You need to be able to tell them in an age appropriate way if the child/children are related to them.

Blimey! give OP a chance to digest that she's only found out today that her husband had an affair with the other woman, so the child is most likely his!
I suspect that there will be more than one 'issue' op will need to contend with....

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/09/2026 17:02

Operaofthephantom · 09/09/2026 16:07

He did fuck her and they had an affair with her.
fucking arsehole

Ergh... how awful for you and the children

Sorry to read this has now been confirmed... honestly its what I would have strongly suspected from the off.

And I'd have said if he didnt comply with the dna request to prove he wasnt the father I would be initiating divorce proceedings.

As it is I suggest you find a counsellor ans also tell a couple of people IRL so you can get some support. 💐
Dont make any rash decisions right now especially if you have kids - many people divorce following fidelity but some dont...its very personal

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2026 17:06

MadinMarch · 09/09/2026 17:00

Blimey! give OP a chance to digest that she's only found out today that her husband had an affair with the other woman, so the child is most likely his!
I suspect that there will be more than one 'issue' op will need to contend with....

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Well I didn’t suggest she tell the DC immediately 🤣

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:08

If her husband takes the test it means potentially losing money out of her own household, if it is established that he is the father and she wants to pursue child support. As it stands, I wouldn’t advise encouraging him to take the test.

FusionChefGeoff · 09/09/2026 17:20

If he refused to do it, I’d never be able to trust him again I’m afraid so he’d have to do the test to save our marriage

YourGoldLurker · 09/09/2026 17:20

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:08

If her husband takes the test it means potentially losing money out of her own household, if it is established that he is the father and she wants to pursue child support. As it stands, I wouldn’t advise encouraging him to take the test.

He should surely provide for his child if he's the father

BirdsongSunshine · 09/09/2026 17:21

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2026 16:51

The issue for me would be that you shouldn’t be standing in between your own DC and their half siblings.

It would be a real shock for them to find out about their sibling through some future ancestry type test. You need to be able to tell them in an age appropriate way if the child/children are related to them.

Give @Operaofthephantom chance to let this sink in! Jees!

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:28

YourGoldLurker · 09/09/2026 17:20

He should surely provide for his child if he's the father

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That wouldn’t be my problem, in OP’s position. I would not be volunteering money from my own household.

This woman wasn’t concerned with the welfare of OP’s children when she had an affair with OP’s husband, and OP has no moral responsibility for this woman’s child.

3luckystars · 09/09/2026 17:36

HotGrapefruit · 08/09/2026 22:48

OP it sounds as though you are saying that you know it’s true.

“Disappointed” is an oddly passive word to use. But you do sound it.

What do you want from the rest of your life, OP?

I agree with this.

EarthaKittsVoice · 09/09/2026 17:37

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:28

That wouldn’t be my problem, in OP’s position. I would not be volunteering money from my own household.

This woman wasn’t concerned with the welfare of OP’s children when she had an affair with OP’s husband, and OP has no moral responsibility for this woman’s child.

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If Ops husband is the father he will need to provide for his child. If the Op decides to divorce and live in her own home, then she would be in position to not volunteer money from her household.

Piknik · 09/09/2026 17:41

Operaofthephantom · 09/09/2026 16:07

He did fuck her and they had an affair with her.
fucking arsehole

We are all sorry to hear that this has been confirmed OP - what a shit-cunt.

I think the paternity coming to light one way or another is inevitable - you can't control the outcome of that. I would focus on the things you can control - especially regarding you and DC.

What is the best way for you to move forward? What is least damaging to DC? What can YOU do to make this shit-show less awful for you?

I think I would start by telling close family and friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of - the shame is all his - let them support you.

InterIgnis · 09/09/2026 17:42

EarthaKittsVoice · 09/09/2026 17:37

If Ops husband is the father he will need to provide for his child. If the Op decides to divorce and live in her own home, then she would be in position to not volunteer money from her household.

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That’s if she can establish him as the father and chooses to go through the necessary legal channel to collect child support. Regardless of whether I left or chose to stay, I wouldn’t be helping her along by encouraging him to take the test.

3luckystars · 09/09/2026 17:48

You must be so hurt. It sounds like you knew they had an affair but she met and spoke to you while pregnant with his child also.

You just be really really hurt.

BruFord · 09/09/2026 17:53

He's an arsehole. Given the timeline, how old could this child be?

whistlesandbells · 09/09/2026 17:59

Is the woman still with her husband? Does the request come from her or from them both (other woman and her husband) or is it the woman’s husband? I think you need to consider the context of the request and what you know or can know.