Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

[bluemoon2208]

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

What if you pay him and he comes back and you let him in? How many times has he left and come back?

If this is your house and you have never been married, then surely he has no rights to it? I would have put his stuff outside and changed the locks, but if he’s likely to get violent I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do that. If he’s not going to be reasonable I’m not sure you have any other option than police involvement. If you give him money, he will ask for more. He sounds like a very unpleasant man who I would not want around.

Were you sleeping with him when he was coming round 'to see the children'

@OldrNWisr@BeeCucumber@Cheese55 no when he came to see the kids i wasnt but then he said can i stay the jight can i stay till the weekend and just nevsr left. Started doing things to the house and because of this new lae i think hes detsrkined to make a claim to my property

You don’t have to pay him to leave. You can call the police and ask them to remove him, then change the locks. He’s giving you no choice but to involve the police because he’s trying to extort money out of you and threatening property damage.

I know there’s nostalgia for the good times but this relationship is already dead. It died when he transgressed your boundaries and tried extortion. If he loved you, he’d respect your wishes. Your children deserve some certainty - this can’t be good for them. Think about the damage this is doing to them whenever you feel yourself wavering.

@Cheese55 he was gone for 5 months when i kicmed him out. I didnt call him once or sleep with him

when he leaves change the locks, pack his things and leave them outside. Send the children off with friends or family so they don’t witness it. If he kicks off call the police. If you can I’d have a friend or two over for moral support.

Does he work?

Call the police and report then change the locks.

The police would remove him if you explain that he has no right to be there and is threatening you.

Sounds like you have little choice. Get the police to get him out. He has no right to be there, and of course you don’t have to give him any money. I’m sorry you and your kids are in the position, but it’s him that’s creating it, not you. Get him out of your house and change the locks.

Not a lawyer but the new law has not been passed yet. The legislation is proposed but not enacted. Under current law, as far as i understand it, normal maintenance doesn’t count - it has to be that he paid for something really big like a renovation or similar there was a “shared intention” that the work would give him a stake in the house. He also has to show that he’s suffered detriment i.e. a big amount of time or money. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

If you wait until the new law IS passed, he might have a claim. So remember that when you feel that pull!

If you’re not married and you rent or own the property 100%, call the police and ask them to escort him off the premises and tell them he’s threatening you with blackmail and intimidation.

He has no rights to squat in your home and they will remove him for you.

Does he go to work? If so, change the locks when he’s gone for the day. Brief the dcs not to open the door to him. Message him to say locks are changed, your stuff is outside, if you attempt to get in the house I’ll call the police.

do you have a male relative you can get to come over and stay with you while you do this?

He's threatened you with criminal damage and is trying to extort money this is no longer a civil matter but a police matter. make sure you change the locks.He cannot see the children in your house. He needs to see them somewhere else.

Or yes, call the police to remove him if he doesn’t go to work.

I know you don’t want to do that, because it’s so final, and pretty much ensures you can’t happily co-parent after that, but he’s threatened and blackmailed you, he’s never going to be a kind co-parent. He’s choosing this.

Get non-molestation order? And ask for the police to be there.

Also he's not being nice hes playing work your. Mind and emotions.

Its a bit like saying he hit me but its ok he bought me flowers

You know if you pay him he will learn he has a reliable route to screw money out of you. "If you pay the Danegeld, you never get rid of the Dane"

You need to go the route of a court order to exclude him from your home, and enforce with police if needed. Stop hanging onto the insane idea that his sometimes being "nice" means anything.

Police. Now.

Police is the ONLY way (without waiting for & paying, to go to court) that he is going to know you’re serious.

Seriously? Just call the police.

Police won’t remove him and him physically leaving isn’t the issue, it appears that the OP is emotionally invested and hasn’t made him go isn’t sure about the finality of that choice. Until you make that decision and stick to it, he won’t go. You can wait for h8m to leave and change the locks, but will you just let him in again? Are the dc big enough to let him in, because that’s another issue.

I would also recommend you completing the freedom program from women’s aid. It might help you find the strength to leave and not let him return. Have you done a Claire Law check on him?

Of course they’ll remove him, she owns the property and he’s refusing to leave! He can’t claim squatter’s rights, that’s not a thing anymore

Ah, he's been told by someone that if he's made improvements to the property then he has a claim on it, so he's moved back in to belatedly do that. He's taking you for an absolute ride here. He's cocklodging and extorting you.

He's a shitty person. This proves it. He's manipulative and calculating, although not that bright. There's nothing worth saving, call the police and get him out before he gets any more rights over your property.