Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

[bluemoon2208]

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

From November to January he was living at his mum’s in Nottingham. We’re in London. He got a job there and, for a while, was working constantly. During that period his mum and sister started feeding me information about some mysterious back problem he was apparently having, questioning what was wrong with him, telling me he’d been going to hospital and generally scaremongering me about his health. His mum was also telling me he wasn’t drinking etc.
By January he’d got bored of the job, as he tends to do. I also found out he’d been stealing parcels while he was there. He then came back to London and went to stay at his nan’s in Archway.
His nan’s house is already overcrowded. There are several other adult men from the family staying there after their own relationships/marriages have broken down, so the poor woman already has a houseful.
His behaviour there then became problematic. He was sleeping on the sofa with the TV on all night, despite another uncle having a makeshift bed in the same room and complaining that he couldn’t sleep. He refused to turn it off. He was also constantly in and out of the bathroom and kitchen throughout the night, coughing loudly, and started asserting himself over the other people living there, demanding that people leave or swap rooms.
It eventually escalated to him slapping his 16-year-old cousin across the face. During a later row the police were called and he was asked to leave. That is essentially how he ended up back here. I never invited him to move back in or agreed that he could live here. @FancyBiscuitsLevel

@amber763i wish i had a brother i only have sisters

You need to call the police and get your locks changed. Think of your kids.

So he’s known to the police for outstaying his welcome and being violent to people he lives with!

OP you can tell him he has to leave. You can call the police. His failings are not your fault.

It’s ok to love the man you thought he would be. But that’s not who’s in your home.

You can do this. It’s ok.

You don't have to put up with this, the law is on your side. You are not responsible for him. Grow a backbone woman.

He’s not working right now? Does he pay you for his share of household bills? Rent?

Do you really want him gone, OP? It sounds like you’d keep him if he wasn’t intermittently horrible. Do you think on the whole he’s good around your dc?

If you do really want him gone, you have to be firm. Calculate what HE owes YOU for staying with you, and say you’ll agree to cal it quits if he’s gone by the weekend.

Can you send your dc to a relative of your own for a few nights while you sort out removing him?

He can go back to his mum and sister or he can get a job and a place to live near London so he can see his kids X

Surely he does actually leave the house sometimes though? Lock the doors with the keys in the locks, or change the locks if you have enough notice and time.

Bag his stuff up. Leave it outside or drop it out the window. And tell him he doesn't live there anymore. Let him get violent, you're safe in the house, call the police if he's threatening or being aggressive.

He has no legal right to your house. It's like me turning up with my suitcase and telling you I live there now.

Yes, I genuinely want him gone. It isn’t that I want the relationship but just want the horrible behaviour to stop. I don’t want the relationship anymore. I got used to living without him when he was away and I was happier and calmer. I never agreed to him moving back in. He came to see the children after being asked to leave his nan’s and simply never left.

He does work, but it’s cash-in-hand and not on the books. He doesn’t pay rent or contribute regularly towards the household bills. He recently gave me £300 towards the children. The following day, after we had a row, he took/demanded the £300 back. That pretty much demonstrates the problem with viewing that money as a meaningful contribution.

The row itself was ridiculous. He was sitting downstairs while the children and I were upstairs. I switched the living-room light off and he immediately got up and switched it back on. When I challenged it, he started arguing that he contributes to the household and therefore has a say. He was referring to the £300 he had given towards his own two children.

My household bills are nearly £2,000 a month before you even consider all the additional costs of raising two children: food, school dinners, clothes, uniforms, laptops, activities, transport etc. I pay the mortgage and household expenses. £300 towards two children does not suddenly constitute paying rent or financially contributing towards running the home, and certainly doesn't give him some entitlement to live here against my wishes.

The bigger issue is that I have repeatedly told him to leave. He knows perfectly well that I want him gone. He is now saying he won’t leave unless my dad gives him £2,500, despite not properly explaining how he has arrived at that figure, and has threatened to remove fixtures/things he has put into the house if he isn’t paid.

The children regularly retreat upstairs when he is here and they have both said they want him to leave. So yes, I genuinely want him gone. I'm not trying to work out how to make the relationship nicer. I'm trying to work out how to get someone who refuses to accept the relationship is over out of my home safely. @WavyDaizy

Call the police and ask their advice of how to best do this. They might say wait til he’s out change locks and message him to say he’s no longer welcome: they may even send someone. I would make sure kids at someone else’s house. I would definitely be taking police advice

@Mumtotornadoeswhen i told his sis. She ssid he doesnt care about police and would return once out of custody. Her advice was change my windows from glass to plastic. Thats what im dealing with and its exhausting

You could probably have him bumped off for less that £2.5k 😉

Then you need to tell the police this. They do target hardening or something like that, can't remember exactly what it's called. They install protective measures to your house, they can put you on a register where your address and phone number are flagged, they can give you an app that is monitored and like a panic alarm they call the police, it triggers by you but also by detecting things. I've had them call a few times when I've accidentally set it off.

You don't stay with someone because of what they might do if you leave, because eventually they will find an excuse to do it anyway.

His mum & sister are clearly working for him & against you, probably because he'll be their problem if they cant offload him onto you.
As said, you will have to go to the police OP.

This is awful. He sounds like an abusive leech.

Do your sisters have partners/husbands? And is your dad around?

Or do your friends have husbands who would come round?

Could you get them to help you get his stuff on to the street, change the locks and suitably threaten him?

Id also call the police if he refuses to leave.

Men like this often only respond to other men.

put his bags out and lock doors - its as simple as that. No need for any drama.

OP if you own your home then I would ask yourself how you would feel if he did manage to make a claim against it and you had to sell it and re house your children with only half the equity. Remove him for their sake and their safety

My sister is actually in Australia and, ironically, she is also with someone who is a bit of a leech. Funnily enough, it was actually her partner who told him about this supposed law/loophole that he is now relying on to claim I can't just make him leave.

My other sister does have a partner, but he would be frightened of him, so I wouldn't put him in that position. My dad is around and knows what's happening, but I also don't want this turning into a confrontation between men. He has been aggressive and violent in the past, so getting male relatives to come round, threaten him and throw his belongings outside could potentially escalate things rather than solve them.

I think the responses on here are making me realise that this needs to be dealt with properly through the police/legal route rather than trying to physically force him out ourselves@Canttalkinreallife

By the sounds of it there will be a lot of drama. Possible damage to the house and trauma to the children. This is not simple.

This. Call the police OP, have him removed, change the ocks and in future hand your DCs over outside school or at a coffee shop.

And report him for threatening you and for attempted blackmail.

Why would you put up with this nonsense?

I think you may be right about his family wanting him to remain my problem. His mum hasn't returned a single call from me since another major blow-up on 14 August. His sister told her we were rowing and I started recording him because, honestly, it's one of the only things that makes him moderate what he's saying and shut up.

During that row he was telling me his mum is a solicitor and threatening that he was going to make my dad spend all his money fighting this. His sister knew what was happening and that I was recording. Yet the only concern I heard from her afterwards wasn't about me or her two nieces being exposed to all of this. She was concerned that her own name had been mentioned on the recording, because she works for her boyfriend at a solicitors' firm.

What makes his mum's silence even more telling is that when he was staying at his mum's ex mother-in-law's house and his behaviour became problematic there, his mum actually drove down to deal with him. She reprimanded him, apologised to the people living there for his behaviour and told them how embarrassed she was by him.

Yet now the same man is behaving like this in my home, around her two granddaughters, and she is nowhere to be found. I've tried contacting her and she simply hasn't returned my calls. She also hasn't seen her granddaughters all summer.

So she clearly is capable of stepping in and holding him accountable when his behaviour is affecting somebody else's household. When it's me and her granddaughters dealing with it, though, there is complete silence. I'm starting to accept that I'm wasting my time expecting his family to intervene. Their priority seems to be making sure he isn't their problem rather than worrying about what his behaviour is doing to us. @SirenScream

For your children's sakes, you need to get the Police involved here and have him physically removed. He's bullying you in your home. That's so not OK. Men like him don't respond to reasoning.

Make the call.

I’m not “putting up with it” because I’m happy for him to stay. I have told him repeatedly that I want him to leave. He knows the relationship is over and he knows I do not consent to him living in my house. The problem is that he simply refuses to accept that.

If this were somebody I believed would calmly accept his belongings being put outside and the locks being changed, I would have done that already. My hesitation is because of his history of aggression and the things he has actually threatened to do. He has told me that if he leaves he will rip out fixtures/things he has put into the house, and he is now demanding £2,500 before he will go. His own sister has warned me that he doesn't care about the police and would simply come back once released.

There are also two children in the middle of this. I don't want them witnessing their dad arriving at the house furious, smashing things, threatening people or having some confrontation with the police or male members of my family. That's exactly why “just throw his stuff out and change the locks” doesn't feel like a simple solution to me.

I'm not trying to protect the relationship anymore. I'm trying to end the situation without provoking an escalation that puts me, my children or my home at greater risk. I am taking on board what people are saying about involving the police and getting proper domestic abuse/legal advice. I just want to do it in the safest way possible. @Meadowfinch

Can you ring the police non-emergency number and explain your situation. They should be able to advise and might be able to attend when you change the locks to ensure that the situation stays calm. You can plan it for when your kids are not there.

You need to ring the police and get your situation logged and get advice from them. Tell them his previous behaviour and tell them everything that he has threatened to you.

You change the locks one day when he is out, call an emergency locksmith, and then he won't be able to damage anything in your house.

If he breaks in or causes any trouble, the police will take him away.

Only you can change this situation, and the only way is to get him locked out of the house.

There is no law yet, he cannot claim anything unless he goes to court and he would have to prove the exact amount that he spent on your house and even then he might not get it.

You can get advice on how he can see the DC, he does not have to come to your house and it could be through a contact centre.

As hard as it is, you really do need to find the resolve, or he will still be there in 20 years time.

You definitely need him out before the law does come in (if it does).

What do you mean he moved in and never left @bluemoon2208?

Call the police and change the locks.