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Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

175 replies

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 14:01

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

OP posts:
bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 18:54

He does already have a significant criminal record, which is another reason I'm wary of trying to physically force him out myself. He has convictions relating to supplying Class A drugs, dangerous driving while already disqualified from driving, and driving under the influence.
So when his sister tells me that he doesn't care about the police and would just come straight back once released, that isn't something I can simply dismiss. He has already had substantial involvement with the criminal justice system and it clearly hasn't made him particularly fearful of consequences.
That's why my hesitation isn't because secretly I want him to stay. It's because I want to know that when I finally get him out, there is a proper plan for what happens if he comes back. I have two children here and I don't want to improvise this while he's angry outside my house.
I am taking on board what everyone is saying though. I think the police need the whole history, not just whatever the latest row happens to be when I call.

@TwinklySquid

OP posts:
thetinsoldier · 07/09/2026 19:00

Oh god, he’s an abusive freeloader. And a criminal. A mile of red flags.

Tell him to leave or you will ring the police and they will come and move him out. And mean it. Ask them about restraining orders to keep you safe. Then ring Women’s Aid.

He’s taking the piss out of you. Don’t let him.

SoVeryVeryBored · 07/09/2026 19:04

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 18:17

No, the £2,500 isn't for a rental deposit and he won't itemise it. I've repeatedly asked him exactly what the £2,500 represents and he won't give me a breakdown. In fact, he has actually said he wants the money purely out of spite because apparently I am spiteful.

There are things he has contributed towards in the house, but nothing that explains £2,500. When I moved in, his mum gave him £1,000 specifically to spend on my house. From that, around £350 went on kitchen units, roughly £100 on a worktop and £100 on a sink. His dad and brother fitted the kitchen for free. He also did some work/tiling in my bathroom, but I paid for the tiles myself. I also had to buy additional kitchen units because some of the ones he'd sourced were rotten.

This also completely ignores the other side of the equation. He pays no rent and no regular share of household bills. My household bills are nearly £2k a month before you even start adding all the costs associated with raising our two children. He works cash in hand. He recently gave me £300 towards the children, then following an argument the next day demanded/took the money back while simultaneously claiming that he'd "contributed" to the household.

There's another reason I'm suspicious about his sudden financial claims too. Since around July he's become absolutely determined to refit my bathroom. He's been collecting random bathroom items and repeatedly insisting that he wants to rip out and reinstall it, despite me not asking him to do this.

At one point he actually said if I let him fit the bathroom, he will leave, and has repeatedly said words to the effect of "the faster I do the bathroom, the faster I'll leave." That has made me extremely uncomfortable. If you're supposedly preparing to leave someone's house, why is carrying out another substantial improvement to their property somehow a condition of you leaving?

Especially when he is now pointing towards things he's previously contributed to as justification for demanding money from me. It makes me very reluctant to allow him to put another penny or hour of work into the property because I worry it'll simply become another thing he claims I owe him for.

So no, I don't believe this £2,500 is genuinely about recovering money he's spent. He won't itemise it, the figures I actually know about don't come remotely close to explaining it and, most importantly, he has told me himself that he's demanding it out of spite.

As for whether he can afford to rent privately or where he goes afterwards, I'm finally realising I need to stop treating that as my responsibility to solve. He's an adult. He managed to live elsewhere for months before coming back to London, and I never agreed to him moving back into my house. His housing situation cannot mean that I'm required to continue housing him indefinitely against my wishes. @Dumbledore167

Hi @AggroPotato . He won’t itemise or spell it out because it isn’t about money, it’s about control and abuse.
I had an ex refuse to move out too and I tried to get his family involved but lots of false promises then nothing.

The thing you have to realise it that neither he nor is family care about you or your kids, they just want their needs met and sod you. I really don’t see how you can get hi out without the police, but what you probably need is a non molestation order at the same time- women’s aid can put you in touch with a solicitor who can help you on that. Then police, out, change locks, cameras and a 999 marker etc.

Im sorry it’s so hard, but you have to let go of the idea you can manage him out in a reasonable way, you can’t, and the longer it goes on the harder it will be and for the love of god don’t let him do any more work on the house.

blythet · 07/09/2026 19:06

If it’s solely your house, phone the police and have him arrested for refusing to leave?

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 19:09

@thetinsoldier he kept saying hes not here for me. Im going to get a shock wait and see. I have told him he is a user. He says i am because i have tsken money off him. But it was pennies compared ti the bills i pay to house him and the kids.

OP posts:
ItsAlwaysTwins · 07/09/2026 19:14

I’m not sure the police would help you unless there is an immediate threat. You probably need to get a court order.

As an aside, my friend lived with a bloke and had children with him, but the house was in her name. They split up a few years ago and he has since got married to someone else. He’s recently taken her to court and has managed to get a substantial financial settlement based on the household and maintenance contributions he made while he lived in the house. She’s had to sell her house to pay him off.

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 19:16

@ItsAlwaysTwins did he have regular payments bank transfers toward the bills and mortgage? How did he prove that? Did he have letters or was registered there? This guu has never been registered at my house and has no letters here. Any £ hes given me is cash and he takes it back a day later 9/10

OP posts:
Mumlife321 · 07/09/2026 19:21

Omg I could have written this exact post myself! The similarities are so much do we have the same ex?! Mine has not asked for any money but constantly returns and does not leave its exhausting!! I have involved police previously who have come and sent him on his way but he just comes back. I was advised to seek a non molestation order so that he could not come to the property or have any contact with me that was not specifically about the children, this order will only work if I continue to report to the police if he breaches it but every time I have had police involvement he has escalated and made things more difficult and the police haven’t been supportive - I don’t think they have a good awareness of DA and coercive control in my local area in my experience. I admit I have been lenient to protect the peace in my home however in the long run it has made things much more difficult as he has effectively moved himself back in/onto my sofa without my agreement and with me consistently asking him to leave and that he is not welcome here.
i sympathise as it is such an awful situation to be in and so hard when youre the person in it to be able to keep strong while they push boundaries constantly. The only advice I have (also for myself) is to change locks pack up his things and refuse him any further entry. Involve the police if necessary, consider non molestation order to keep him away, keep close friends and family informed and have support from WA and IDVA throughout the process in case of any escalation and for ongoing advice. They will help you to make a safety plan. Maybe have someone stay with you at your house due to risks of him returning and becoming volatile. It’s all control but can become dangerous.

BobbysDazzler · 07/09/2026 19:50

How viable is it to sell the house and move? Maybe extreme but it would resolve your issues if so. Send him on a trip to see his mother paying his train fair and evacuate while he's gone 🙈

thetinsoldier · 07/09/2026 19:54

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 19:09

@thetinsoldier he kept saying hes not here for me. Im going to get a shock wait and see. I have told him he is a user. He says i am because i have tsken money off him. But it was pennies compared ti the bills i pay to house him and the kids.

Just think how much he has saved in rent over the years…

Do you feel safe with him?

LondonLass61 · 07/09/2026 19:58

HoChiMince · 07/09/2026 14:12

You don’t have to pay him to leave. You can call the police and ask them to remove him, then change the locks. He’s giving you no choice but to involve the police because he’s trying to extort money out of you and threatening property damage.

I know there’s nostalgia for the good times but this relationship is already dead. It died when he transgressed your boundaries and tried extortion. If he loved you, he’d respect your wishes. Your children deserve some certainty - this can’t be good for them. Think about the damage this is doing to them whenever you feel yourself wavering.

Good advice.

TwinklySquid · 07/09/2026 19:58

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 18:54

He does already have a significant criminal record, which is another reason I'm wary of trying to physically force him out myself. He has convictions relating to supplying Class A drugs, dangerous driving while already disqualified from driving, and driving under the influence.
So when his sister tells me that he doesn't care about the police and would just come straight back once released, that isn't something I can simply dismiss. He has already had substantial involvement with the criminal justice system and it clearly hasn't made him particularly fearful of consequences.
That's why my hesitation isn't because secretly I want him to stay. It's because I want to know that when I finally get him out, there is a proper plan for what happens if he comes back. I have two children here and I don't want to improvise this while he's angry outside my house.
I am taking on board what everyone is saying though. I think the police need the whole history, not just whatever the latest row happens to be when I call.

@TwinklySquid

So what’s the plan?
At the moment you have two choices:

  • Live with a dangerous man in your house and wait and see what he does .
  • kick the dangerous man out and see what he does.
While he is in the house, the police will treat it like a domestic. If he is out, it becomes a more serious issue.
poetryandwine · 07/09/2026 20:01

TwinklySquid · 07/09/2026 19:58

So what’s the plan?
At the moment you have two choices:

  • Live with a dangerous man in your house and wait and see what he does .
  • kick the dangerous man out and see what he does.
While he is in the house, the police will treat it like a domestic. If he is out, it becomes a more serious issue.

I can see that it might sound harsh, but I agree with this.

Your beloved DC should not be living with this criminal.

TwinklySquid · 07/09/2026 20:04

poetryandwine · 07/09/2026 20:01

I can see that it might sound harsh, but I agree with this.

Your beloved DC should not be living with this criminal.

I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. It’s so frustrating to see women come here asking for advice then constantly giving reasons why they can’t do any of it.

Hell would freeze over before I’d let a man like that stay in my house with my children. I say this as someone who left an abusive relationship with a nine month old.

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/09/2026 20:09

Do you really want this criminal waste of space around your children?

Do something and do it NOW. Stop bellyaching about him.

Dracolina · 07/09/2026 20:10

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 14:01

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

With people like this, you don't debate with them or negotiate with them. They are crazy and think everyone around them are salves to their craziness. All you can do with people like this is to physically remove them.

You call the police and let them do it. If possible, you also get a restraining order against him.

Or, you ask some male family members or close friends to help you physically remove this jackass.

Change your keys, get a decent alarm system, and if he wants to see his children it must not happen under your roof.

Tumbler777 · 07/09/2026 20:24

You need to decide whether you want this to continue or whether you want it over. If you want it over you inform the police that you have told him to go but he’s threatening you … the. Fact you’re even considering his suggestions about the bathroom .. you know he’ll destroy the fittings and leave you with a leak. Someone I knew offered to service her car after he left her .. to make sure she was safe .. gave the car to his new girlfriend.

the suggestions about getting a couple of security guts in to keep you company can work, have a chat with the doormen at your nearest pub.

when my ex said the injunction wouldn’t stop him, I arranged for someone to suggest that he would be upsetting a lot of people if he didn’t leave me alone. It worked

bittertwisted · 07/09/2026 20:47

SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes · 07/09/2026 14:55

They won't remove him but if she changes the locks and he kicks off they will attend and deal with it

Correct
it’s a civil matter, if you gain an occupancy order it becomes a criminal offence if he attempts to breach it with an attached POA, otherwise it’s contempt of court

getupdostuffgotobed · 07/09/2026 23:54

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 17:47

@VoneskaThank you. Hearing from someone who has actually been through something similar is helpful. The house is solely owned by me, the mortgage is solely in my name, he pays no rent and there has never been any tenancy agreement. He moved out for months and I never agreed to him moving back in when he returned.

The ripping things out is exactly what worries me because he has specifically threatened that. Some of the things he's talking about aren't even freestanding belongings, they're fixtures in my house. I also have two children here, so changing the locks while he's out and then waiting to see how he reacts when he comes back feels frightening rather than straightforward.

I think I need proper legal advice on exactly what I can do before changing the locks, rather than relying on what either he or I think the law says. I also think the police need to know beforehand about the £2,500 demand, the threats to damage/remove things and his previous aggression.

I absolutely do need to be bolder though. I've spent far too long hoping he'll eventually accept that I don't want this relationship and leave voluntarily. It's becoming increasingly obvious that he isn't going to.

If you've a ring doorbell or similar you could change the locks when he goes out and then all go out for the day/weekend.

Edit.....Turning the water and gas off before you leave.

You could monitor the situation from a safe place and call the police if he attempts to break in.

Mmhmmn · 08/09/2026 00:44

Police. He’s in your house against your wishes and is blackmailing you re. Leaving. Police.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 08/09/2026 00:49

You own the house?

You change the locks when he's next out and dump his stuff outside in plastic bags. If he kicks off, you call the police.

If he comes back when he leaves custody, you call the police again.

If he's breaking windows, prepare a room on the first floor as a safe room. As a short-term measure, a door jammer will keep him out for long enough for the police to arrive and he won't be able to break through it with a sharp kick the way he could with a bolt. Keep in there water, snacks, essential medication, toys for the kids, and two lidded buckets (one for wee and one for poo) with loo roll and hand sanitiser.

If he becomes a long-term problem, you may be able to get a grant towards making a proper safe room with reinforced door and an escape window.

Amazon

Amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Portable-Alarm-Jammer-Hotel-Travel/dp/B0DJDZV2RT/ref=sxin_20_pa_sp_phone_search_thematic_sspa?aref=oPDfJf0fqX&content-id=amzn1.sym.38ef9691-4072-4137-8283-8e6f9af608c0%3Aamzn1.sym.38ef9691-4072-4137-8283-8e6f9af608c0&cv_ct_cx=door%20wedge%20lock&keywords=door%20wedge%20lock&pd_rd_i=B0DJDZV2RT&pd_rd_r=6d2a2a85-3a47-4297-9e62-c10f3b360f54&pd_rd_w=iU3M4&pd_rd_wg=VoeM0&pf_rd_p=38ef9691-4072-4137-8283-8e6f9af608c0&pf_rd_r=XWWB0W531518AMAYNFS2&psc=1&qid=1788824158&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfdGhlbWF0aWM&sr=1-1-ad3222ed-9545-4dc8-8dd8-6b2cb5278509-spons&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-5575780-ex-moved-back-into-my-house-without-agreement-and-now-refuses-to-leave-unless-i-pay-him-ps2500

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 08/09/2026 00:55

bluemoon2208 · 07/09/2026 18:17

No, the £2,500 isn't for a rental deposit and he won't itemise it. I've repeatedly asked him exactly what the £2,500 represents and he won't give me a breakdown. In fact, he has actually said he wants the money purely out of spite because apparently I am spiteful.

There are things he has contributed towards in the house, but nothing that explains £2,500. When I moved in, his mum gave him £1,000 specifically to spend on my house. From that, around £350 went on kitchen units, roughly £100 on a worktop and £100 on a sink. His dad and brother fitted the kitchen for free. He also did some work/tiling in my bathroom, but I paid for the tiles myself. I also had to buy additional kitchen units because some of the ones he'd sourced were rotten.

This also completely ignores the other side of the equation. He pays no rent and no regular share of household bills. My household bills are nearly £2k a month before you even start adding all the costs associated with raising our two children. He works cash in hand. He recently gave me £300 towards the children, then following an argument the next day demanded/took the money back while simultaneously claiming that he'd "contributed" to the household.

There's another reason I'm suspicious about his sudden financial claims too. Since around July he's become absolutely determined to refit my bathroom. He's been collecting random bathroom items and repeatedly insisting that he wants to rip out and reinstall it, despite me not asking him to do this.

At one point he actually said if I let him fit the bathroom, he will leave, and has repeatedly said words to the effect of "the faster I do the bathroom, the faster I'll leave." That has made me extremely uncomfortable. If you're supposedly preparing to leave someone's house, why is carrying out another substantial improvement to their property somehow a condition of you leaving?

Especially when he is now pointing towards things he's previously contributed to as justification for demanding money from me. It makes me very reluctant to allow him to put another penny or hour of work into the property because I worry it'll simply become another thing he claims I owe him for.

So no, I don't believe this £2,500 is genuinely about recovering money he's spent. He won't itemise it, the figures I actually know about don't come remotely close to explaining it and, most importantly, he has told me himself that he's demanding it out of spite.

As for whether he can afford to rent privately or where he goes afterwards, I'm finally realising I need to stop treating that as my responsibility to solve. He's an adult. He managed to live elsewhere for months before coming back to London, and I never agreed to him moving back into my house. His housing situation cannot mean that I'm required to continue housing him indefinitely against my wishes. @Dumbledore167

If you're supposedly preparing to leave someone's house, why is carrying out another substantial improvement to their property somehow a condition of you leaving?

  • To plant cameras.
  • To plant class A drugs behind the bath panels and then call the police to frame you.
  • To deliberately do a shite job with leaks etc.
  • To claim later on under this incompetent govt's new law that he contributed to your house and is now entitled to occupy it.
UpDownAllAround1 · 08/09/2026 01:23

IDVA will assist as you are tying yourself up in knots with the options

StrugglingAlong75 · 08/09/2026 06:02

Report through threats to police.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/09/2026 06:50

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 08/09/2026 00:55

If you're supposedly preparing to leave someone's house, why is carrying out another substantial improvement to their property somehow a condition of you leaving?

  • To plant cameras.
  • To plant class A drugs behind the bath panels and then call the police to frame you.
  • To deliberately do a shite job with leaks etc.
  • To claim later on under this incompetent govt's new law that he contributed to your house and is now entitled to occupy it.

This.... He will not be doing it without some major motive....

DO NOT LET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR ANY OTHER JOBS...

Apsolutely do call 999 if he's hammering on the door /threatening you and the kids...

DV + alcohol: ALWAYS escalates...

He feels entitled to you and your home and your kids...

Please stop this man (with the police /DV agencies) before he does you more damage /KILLS you..