Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

[bluemoon2208]

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

Irrelevant and victim-blaming

@AssassinsEyebrowthankyou very true..

Not totally as it does send some mixed signals. However if she tells him to leave then he should respect that irrespective of what has happened before.

If you don’t feel that police can keep him away then I’m not sure what else you’re waiting for? There isn’t some other higher power that will suddenly appear once a certain amount of time passes…
What I would do, having been in your position with an arguably even more dangerous man, is contact Women’s Aid about a temporary place in a Refuge for you and your girls then have the police take him (they have specialist officers for domestic abuse and coercion btw). Immediately secure the property and install cameras and then leave for the refuge. If you see on your cameras that he’s come back - call police.
Refuge locations are top secret and 100% fully secured (discreetly) so you will be safe there. Then once he’s been dealt with by police and/or you’ve sold the house and bought somewhere new, you can leave the Refuge.

He sounds frightening. I’m sorry you’re going through that. But the police are the only people who can protect you… he’s not suddenly going to decide to leave you alone or that he’s over it all. He’s vengeful and dangerous - you either get him to leave with the police involved or he’ll probably harm you and your property anyway.

And yes he’s so keen on the bathroom because he has nefarious plans. There could be drugs hidden in the panels already. Or he wants to watch you. Or destroy the waterworks and claim the house is unsafe for the kids. Or to hide weapons. To nick any copper in the walls.

To frame you, to watch you, to steal from you… none of it altruistic.

I think it needs a proper plan. I'd arrange the children to stay with someone else for a couple of nights if possible so that you can focus solely on this, and know that the kids are out of the way whilst you deal with the immediate fall out. Get advice from the Police about how to handle it.

The biggest barrier seems to be not wanting your children to witness the fall out of changing locks. Can't you organise form them to spend a few days visiting auntie or grandparents while you do it? You are being totally naive if you think dragging this out the way you are because you can't see how to get out of it isn't extremely damaging to children.

OP, have you done a Clare's Law request on him? That might help you with the police support, if there is anything on there.

Aside from that, he has no claim on your house from what you have said, anything he has done is in lieu of rent etc.

You will never get him to leave on your own, the only way is to get the police warned in advance so that they can log your number as a priority. Change the locks when he is out. Put his belongings in a safe place. Keep your doors locked at all times. Tell your friends and family so if you call they know you need help. Call the police if he returns and kicks off.

“Pay me or..” is called blackmail.

It’s a serious crime.

Call the police the same way you would if any stranger tried to come into your house and wouldn’t leave.

To add to that, threats to damage property.. you can call 999 for this.

@bluemoon2208 you are right to think about having a plan to get him out safely and keep him away.

There is nothing wrong with making initial calls to the Police and Womens Aid and getting their advice on the best way to do this, ultimately they will have better practical and up to date advice for your individual circumstances. You can get them to help you make a plan and still have time to consider if that is what you are worried about. Is there anyone on your side of the family who could have the kids on D Day (departure day It may seem like a mountain, but its really a series of steps. It will become clearer what those steps are when you've talked to them.

Could you start making a list of some of the points they most need to hear when you call so they don't get lost in the detail and what you might say to summarise what you need when you begin the call? ( it can just be a list for yourself, as it might be quite a difficult call to make, so that you don't forget anything)

@bluemoon2208 id go to women’s aid and ask for help .
Id report to them police and keep reporting every single incident . I’d tell them you need help to escort him off the premises.
Because you are concerned he will get violent. Explore what you have said here you broke up and he just decided to move on without consent .

as much as I do understand it is harder to actually be in the situation, I would just ring the police personally and draw the line for both my sake and my kids.

He isn't nice, he doesn't love you, he's not your partner, the kids don't want him there and il be damned if I let some dude threaten me or blackmail me in my own home.

I'm not a conformational person but if my partner were doing this if absolutely be calling the police and making a scene.

Don't let someone continue to abuse you and expose your children to it. Be better than that. You are better than that. You won't find the light until you go through the storm. it is inevitable so better sooner than later.

sending hugs and I hth.

Wtf? Just change the locks and if he turns up, call the police.

Are you ok, OP?

@Foolish1984hiya thankyou for checking in. Im okay. Just been busy working and doing the school run. Still avoiding him but hes still herem trying to act nice but im avoiding and ignoring him. I called an idva but they want to see me face to face tomorrow and i cant as i have work. I have been hoping the environment wud be unpleasant enuf that hed leave voluntarily but it seems hes willing to tolerare anything as long as it suits him. X

Of course he isn't awful all the time. If he was, hopefully you'd have the strength to kick him out. He is messing with you for fun. Even your kids see what is happening and what you should do. Get a big man to come round and chuck the fucker out. Get the locks changed. Start your life.

He isn’t going to leave voluntarily, OP.

Did you ask for another appointment at a suitable time? We understand that this is difficult for you, but your behaviour is self defeating. He wants you too scared to take action, and his tactics seem to be working.

Your DC deserve better and so do you. Find your courage.

Ultimately you need him out before the law changes and he gets a slight chance at a stake in your property. Don’t let him win! Please please rearrange with IDVA, they’re bloody amazing and the experts in situations just like this

Hi @bluemoon2208 , hope you are OK

It sounds like he's exhausted all his other possible easy bolt holes with relatives and they are keen to keep pushing him back to you.

That's why he's hanging on and insisting on doing DIY that you don't want, because all his bills are paid and its rent free and he's hoping to get a share of your hard earned cash and property.

I'm sure it would be impossible for anyone to be completely horrible 24/7, if only for their own occasional convenience.

But he doesn't have to be. He only has to be really nasty routinely, or even just to indicate that he might be, to keep you walking on eggshells, to keep you feeling scared and uncomfortable in your own home. Your fight or flight reaction must be doing overtime. That is horrible enough for anyone.

He has gone beyond the normal range of horrible. You don't want him there. You were happier when he wasn't. The DC don't want him there. Give yourself a few more decent years with your DC without his horrible draining parasitic presence before they grow up and are ready to fly the nest.

You need support and help to do this so reach out. Tell the people you made the appointment with that because of your domestic circumstances, they need to come to you or change the appointment to a time you can realistically see them.

You don't have to worry about where he goes next, as long as its not your home. He has more than outstayed his welcome. Just remember that every pound he has taken from you, or you have unwillingly spent on support his awful presence is money that he has taken away from your children, from your savings and from your future. Money that could be spent on you and your children. Not this sponger. You do not owe him ANYTHING. The fact that this volatile person remains there, with the implied threat that he could kick off at any moment is more than horrible enough for you to get rid of him. But get support to do it safely and do not tell him what you are planning.
Stay safe @bluemoon2208 you are a brave person to have coped this far, but you need to keep pushing forward.

Get ring door bell or similar cctv, next time he is out call a locksmith and change the locks, leave his stuff in bags outside and call the police if he harasses you, you can get a non molestation order.
he will put you through hell in family courts but if you’re happy with 5050 then you don’t have to worry.
all abusers are charming and nice some days, if they weren’t they wouldn’t have families or girlfriends.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all the OP’s posts.

What’s stopping you from going to the police, explaining the situation as you have here, and asking for advice on how to make him leave, @bluemoon2208 ? Tell them you’re scared of his reaction.

You need to find your anger OP. I understand you’re afraid of him, but you need to prioritise getting proper advice on how you can legally remove him safely, even if it means taking a sick day from work. If you continue not doing anything, he’s going to continue taking advantage of you. Also, why should he continue to live rent free when even you can’t do that? The longer you don’t take steps to get him removed, the harder it will be.

Oh dear. He’s not going to go without being made to. It sounds like he has no easy other option.

There’s good advice on this thread. You can do it.

If he smashed your windows, you could get him arrested and get a non molestation order. If you really want him gone, you know what steps to take. I'm not sure why you're putting it off.