Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

[bluemoon2208]

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

@bluemoon2208 I dont think you should be surprised that his family have no loyalty to you or your children; they are the tree from which the apple did not fall far!
It's probably to your advantage, these do not sound like the type of people anyone would want to have to engage with.

if he is outside causing a rumpus then call the police to arrest hum for damage etc. then take out a restraining order. Simple.

Yes I went through similar. Suspected he was cheating too. ( B. T. W. You're ambiguous feeling could be your gut telling you something)... The House was jointly owned in my case and he did rip out things so That I had no access to electrical appliances in my own rooms. If I was you I would get Law involved AFTER changing Locks ( while he's out) but call police at same time to warn them. ( They will probably tell you that you CANNOT do that, BTW ) Stand your ground and get some burly strong man on site with you who is sensible and grounded. You need to be bold. Don't let him intimidate you. All the Laws relating to Tenancys and Lettings DONT relate to EX PARTNERS. He has NO STANDING in the Law, unless he's Joint Owner of the house. He cannot claim the house Off you in any way. CHANGE those LOCKS!!!!!!!!

A new patio might be in order.

They WON'T REMOVE HIM !!!!!! she will have to CHANGE LOCKS, and inform them when she expects him back!!! And say that she expects a Disturbance of the peace.. and preferably have a trusted, supportive friend there with her.

This - he’s harassing you etc.

They will remove him under arrest if she tells them what he's been doing. He's committing all sorts of criminal offences.

Then she can change the locks and plan her next steps for safety.

This.

You need to get proper advice, make plans etc.

Everyone on here is well-meaning but few of us know the law/what the police will/won't do with absolute certainty.

Collect evidence, photos, contemporaneous notes and any other relevant details.

How much has he contributed - either financially or time wise etc. Is he likely to up his contribution?

The act of changing the locks may precipitate further acts etc. How well do you know your neighbours?

@getupdostuffgotobedhey.. yes i have been. I have recordings videos voicenotes. Summaries of events by email. Historical events from years ago to explain why although he may not be physically hitting me he has dne in the past.

@VoneskaThank you. Hearing from someone who has actually been through something similar is helpful. The house is solely owned by me, the mortgage is solely in my name, he pays no rent and there has never been any tenancy agreement. He moved out for months and I never agreed to him moving back in when he returned.

The ripping things out is exactly what worries me because he has specifically threatened that. Some of the things he's talking about aren't even freestanding belongings, they're fixtures in my house. I also have two children here, so changing the locks while he's out and then waiting to see how he reacts when he comes back feels frightening rather than straightforward.

I think I need proper legal advice on exactly what I can do before changing the locks, rather than relying on what either he or I think the law says. I also think the police need to know beforehand about the £2,500 demand, the threats to damage/remove things and his previous aggression.

I absolutely do need to be bolder though. I've spent far too long hoping he'll eventually accept that I don't want this relationship and leave voluntarily. It's becoming increasingly obvious that he isn't going to.

He has told me that if he leaves he will rip out fixtures/things he has put into the house, and he is now demanding £2,500 before he will go.

Can you get this in writing? It’s basically blackmail.

Why do people keep saying this. Its not true . My DD has called the police to have her ex removed. On more than one occasion. Other posters have said similar. They don't just leave woman to kick out their abusive ex. Knowing he could be violent.

Please report him to police. ASAP.

None of you are safe.

Is the £2.5k to cover a rental deposit for a new place, in theory?
Would he even get a private rental if he’s only cash in hand and has no employment contract? And has a criminal record/no references? If not sounds like his only option is to present as homeless and try to get council housing?
I mean none of this is your problem to solve, or shouldn’t be at least but if he knows his options are he willingly presents as homeless or he does so after a dramatic changing of locks event and police involvement, maybe he’ll just feck off?
When he asks for £2.5k from you, what does he say when you say “actually it’s me who should be asking YOU for thousands in unpaid rent etc over the years”?

I would rather pay the £2,500 to a couple of bouncers to show him the door and swiftly change the locks.

Police will most likely try and pass it off as a “civil matter” when he tells them he lives there with his children. Or they’ll try to get him inside to get his belongings.

She needs to change the locks when he’s out. OP, send the children to your sisters house for the weekend and tell the police in advance that you’re essentially being “cuckooed” by your ex and he’s threatening to kick off in front of your children and damage your home. ask them to put your address on a rapid response list because he has a history of DV, and then never let him darken your door again. If he has to sleep at his mum’s he won’t be in the neighbourhood to come and cause trouble, will he?

He can see the kids in McDonalds or the park but he has no reason to ever enter your home again.

No, the £2,500 isn't for a rental deposit and he won't itemise it. I've repeatedly asked him exactly what the £2,500 represents and he won't give me a breakdown. In fact, he has actually said he wants the money purely out of spite because apparently I am spiteful.

There are things he has contributed towards in the house, but nothing that explains £2,500. When I moved in, his mum gave him £1,000 specifically to spend on my house. From that, around £350 went on kitchen units, roughly £100 on a worktop and £100 on a sink. His dad and brother fitted the kitchen for free. He also did some work/tiling in my bathroom, but I paid for the tiles myself. I also had to buy additional kitchen units because some of the ones he'd sourced were rotten.

This also completely ignores the other side of the equation. He pays no rent and no regular share of household bills. My household bills are nearly £2k a month before you even start adding all the costs associated with raising our two children. He works cash in hand. He recently gave me £300 towards the children, then following an argument the next day demanded/took the money back while simultaneously claiming that he'd "contributed" to the household.

There's another reason I'm suspicious about his sudden financial claims too. Since around July he's become absolutely determined to refit my bathroom. He's been collecting random bathroom items and repeatedly insisting that he wants to rip out and reinstall it, despite me not asking him to do this.

At one point he actually said if I let him fit the bathroom, he will leave, and has repeatedly said words to the effect of "the faster I do the bathroom, the faster I'll leave." That has made me extremely uncomfortable. If you're supposedly preparing to leave someone's house, why is carrying out another substantial improvement to their property somehow a condition of you leaving?

Especially when he is now pointing towards things he's previously contributed to as justification for demanding money from me. It makes me very reluctant to allow him to put another penny or hour of work into the property because I worry it'll simply become another thing he claims I owe him for.

So no, I don't believe this £2,500 is genuinely about recovering money he's spent. He won't itemise it, the figures I actually know about don't come remotely close to explaining it and, most importantly, he has told me himself that he's demanding it out of spite.

As for whether he can afford to rent privately or where he goes afterwards, I'm finally realising I need to stop treating that as my responsibility to solve. He's an adult. He managed to live elsewhere for months before coming back to London, and I never agreed to him moving back into my house. His housing situation cannot mean that I'm required to continue housing him indefinitely against my wishes. @Dumbledore167

@GingerBeverage he will probably refuse. He stops tlkin whenever i begin recordinf him

I think the responses on here are making me realise that this needs to be dealt with properly through the police/legal route rather than trying to physically force him out ourselves

@bluemoon2208 You are so right!
And it seems to be the majority of the advice that you are getting on here.
The priority is to get him to leave safely and not return... he will already be on record with the police for getting thrown out of his nans. Where, lets not forget, he was happy to slap his 16 year old cousin round the face with force. That could be you or your children next.

He is a parasite. You have helped him thus far, but you are not responsible. He has a whole family who could step in. You need to get this sorted now or he could be following you children around once they have grown up and got jobs.

Write a list of what he's done, what he's doing now, all of it. Its a blooming long list isn't it?

Put the most urgent ones at the top. So that you have it all ready when you call the Police and you know what you need to say. I understand this is challenging.

You said earlier that its difficult to say No you can't live here because you said No some time ago and he stayed... He forced the issue by staying. It doesn't make you morally obliged to let him stay! It's your house, you are not married. You don't owe him anything. And you can say Leave my house again and again and anytime you want.
He is a parasite and a violent one at that. There is no point at this stage starting any discussions with him about anything. you don't want to risk setting him off. Just bide your time, wait for your opportunity and phone the police.

YOu also said. "He isn't nasty all the time. A lot of the time he's just there" which makes you feel a bit guility or responsible somehow. But the fact that he is just there when you've asked him to leave time and time again IS NASTY.. There may be times of calm, but its not really peace because you are all just waiting for him to kick off again. So you can discount that he "Isn't nasty ALL the time." Its enough that he's routinely nasty MOST of the time and you all know he will be again.
You know you need help to get him out and stay safe. The police can do that for you. They can also advise about various orders keeping him away and how to make sure he never sees the DC unsupervised and *not at your house ever again".
It doesn't matter if his sister says he doesn't care about the police. If he breaks those legal orders they will find him.
Then ring Women's Aid for advice on how to stay safe and move forward once he is gone. His family won't help you,so you now have to help yourself

This must be so hard @bluemoon2208 but once you set it in motion you can look forward to a more peaceful life and so can your children. Wishing you all the best.

If the house is in your name he has no right to access to it. I'd phone the police and tell them it's your house and he is refusing to get out of it.

He’s paid no keep for bills etc. anything you may owe him has been long spent.

If you change the locks- how can he get in to rip stuff out? His sister saying he doesn’t care about the police may be true. But if he gets a criminal record, life won’t be easy for him.

I would lock him out. Leave a bag with a change of clothes on the doorstep. Then say you’ll arrange for him to collect stuff when police are present.

999 is for emergencies for fuck’s same. I honestly despair

Fantastic post

OP, the Police are the ONLY safe way to have him removed. Please ignore Voneska, they absolutely will remove him as the laws have recently changed to protect victims of coercive control within relationships and when children are present, they will ALWAYS remove them.
As for what his sister said, the police will make it a condition of his bail that he doesn’t return to your address and that if he does, he will be taken straight into custody on further, much more serious charges. Also, they will put protective measures in place in the meantime which will get police to you within minutes of him returning. Please, please call them right now

OP, read, re-read and then read again. Agree as above, this is a fantastic post. I know it's so much harder when it's your life, but you do need to take action. It's doesn't sound like the waster has a current claim on your home but if this goes on he could in the future. Even if he doesn't respond, it might be worth sending him texts confirming that you don't want him to touch the bathroom. I doubt he'd confirm his blackmail re the £2,500 in writing but even a denial might work in your favour if he says he doesn't want money from you. Feel for you and your poor kids.