Ex moved back into my house without agreement and now refuses to leave unless I pay him £2,500

[bluemoon2208]

I've been with my partner/on and off partner for many years and we have two children together.
He actually moved out almost a year ago. Months later he came to my house to see the children and essentially never left. There was never a conversation where I agreed that he could move back in. I never gave him permission to make my home his permanent home again.
The house is solely mine. I've repeatedly told him that I want him to leave, but he simply carries on as though I haven't said it.
He's now saying that he won't leave unless I give him £2,500. He hasn't properly explained how he's calculated that amount. He's also threatened that if I don't give him the money he'll rip out fixtures/things he's installed in my house. I don't have £2,500 and I don't think I should have to pay someone to leave a home they were never invited to move back into in the first place.
There has been a long history of horrible arguments, verbal abuse and intimidation, as well as some physical incidents in the past. More recently there have been threats, shouting and damage to my belongings. The atmosphere affects our children and both have said they want him to leave.
What makes this so confusing is that he isn't horrible all the time. This morning we had an electrical problem and he helped me sort it out. At the same time he was telling me I'm cursed, that my negative energy causes things to go wrong and that I need to pray. Then he repeatedly put his arms around me, told me he loves me, insisted I'm his girlfriend and told me he doesn't have another woman.
I've contacted domestic abuse services and have been advised to speak to an IDVA. I've also contacted the national domestic abuse helpline. So logically I know this has gone far beyond an ordinary relationship problem.
But emotionally I keep getting stuck.
I've thought about involving the police to get him out, but I think it's the finality that stops me. Part of me desperately wants my home back and wants this situation over. Another part can't bear the thought of finally ending a relationship/family that has existed for so many years. When he's nice, affectionate or helpful, I immediately start doubting myself again.
I also feel awful for my children because they're living with the uncertainty while I struggle to follow through. I keep thinking I should be stronger or should simply stop caring about him, but apparently feelings don't switch off just because you know a situation isn't right.
Has anyone experienced an ex/partner effectively moving themselves back into your home, refusing to leave and then demanding money to go? And if you still had feelings for them, how did you get yourself to the point where you actually followed through?

So you need to get him out asap. Get the police to help.

I would suggest the police, especially if you are scared of him.
Does he ever leave the house? To go to work maybe? Once he leaves the home, change the locks. It’s really easy. 5 minute job. Maybe 10. Keep the locks ready somewhere he won’t find them, like in your bag. You only need to change the tumbler.

He has no hope of claiming on your house if it’s soley yours and you are not married to him. A friend had an ex who tried this on. In the end a couple of male friends removed him and changed the locks for her. Got all his stuff and put it outside with him. Then the police were interested in being involved One of the male friends was my BIL, so I know it’s true. Have you anyone in your life who can assist you in a similar fashion?

Abusers don’t abuse all the time. They know they have to be nice some of the time to keep you hooked. He doesn’t care about you. He is using you and you need to see past the trauma bond and understand that .

It’s systematic..be nice, then abuse till the victim starts to show signs of wanting out, then be nice again for a while..it’s classic . They know the buttons to push.

If you want him out, you need to get your head around the fact he is a misogynist and manipulator, so you don’t give in, have
hopes of happy ever after or take him back.

Trust the children. Put them first. You will lose their faith and trust if you don’t pay attention to them. They will remember . This relationship is also a bad example to set as normal . It will affect them.

Remember the time when our government never paid ransom to scum? There was a reason behind it - sets a precedent.

He will come back for more. Don't do it.

The police will remove him. It happened to my Dd. If he’s not on the deeds or the tenancy he has no right to be there. Told him if he came back they would arrest him.

@DearDenimEagle

> The difficult thing to explain is that he isn't nasty all the time. A lot of the time he's just there. But after he moved out last November I became used to it being me and my girls, and I actually liked our life that way. Since he's come back, everything about having him in the house grates on me.

He's incredibly loud, comes in and puts the TV on loudly, won't shut doors when we're trying to sleep, starts making food at 9.30pm when I'm trying to get the kids settled, spends half an hour in the toilet and lectures me about things like not cleaning underneath the sofa. They're mundane things individually, but I find myself getting more and more wound up until eventually I erupt and then completely shut down.

That's when things can escalate into rows and the much more concerning behaviour starts: the intimidation, control, horrible things being said, threats and now the demands for money.

A few weeks ago he came over all coy asking me what my problem with him actually was. I finally let everything out. I told him I resent him for years of cheating, aggression, lack of support and everything else that's happened. He actually went very quiet and looked sad. But he still didn't leave.

What really struck me recently was when I pointed out that I never wanted him living here again in the first place. His response was basically, “How long ago was that?” As though because he has managed to remain here for a certain amount of time, my original no has somehow expired.

That's what makes me feel so trapped. I feel as though I'm expected to produce some sufficiently dramatic justification for ending the relationship or wanting my own home back. I don't actually need one. Even putting all the other behaviour aside, I am allowed to simply not want to be in this relationship anymore. I am allowed to want to live alone with my children. Him being sad about that doesn't mean I have to change my decision.

Im not majing excuses im just genuinely confused. I feel respons8ble 4 him

I get that it is complicated. That when he’s nice you remember why you loved him and that part of you is afraid of finally breaking up the family.
BUT
You have to put your children first! Think about what you are modelling to them, what a healthy relationship should look like.
You are messing up their heads.
DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Hi, OP -

The situation is obviously difficult, but some of your responses to PP suggest that finding your resolve might make it a bit easier.

I never care about anyone’s sex life, so I feel awkward writing this, but yours might be relevant to your problem with this awful man.

From what you say, it isn’t clear where this guy is sleeping. If you really want him gone, he belongs on the sofa or an airbed somewhere, certainly not with you. That can start tonight. Just because you say so. Sex is off the table.

If this is already happening, I apologise for not getting it from your posts. If you are still sleeping together I understand your confusion, and sympathise, and he is still complete scum. Or worse. However someone like that won’t take you seriously until you cast him out of your bed and show that you mean it.

Obviously if he tries to have sex with you against your will that is attempted rape and the police will be only too happy to remove him from your house.

I hope that showing him you mean business will help you to feel stronger and ready to do what you need to do. You will be so much happier when he is gone! So will your DC.

Look on YouTube how to change the barrell of a lock. Then JFDI.

Any drama, call 999.

From the outside looking in, it's very confusing that you haven't done this already but of course, we aren't living it.

He is not your child and his feelings are not your problem. Put him out and be done with it.

@poetryandwine hey and no need to apologise this is a long thread and im not used to posting so i may have got muddled. To be clear he has always slept on the sofa. My daughter has slept sith me since 2016 and thats not changing. We havent had sex in months. Probably since april. He returned in march and everything sent downhill verrrry fast. Once he smashed my laptop for work i wanted him gone. Today mt electeicity tripped and the kids were at school. He used this opportunity to try and resolve it. Started trying to touch me and put my arms around him telling me he loves me. It all feels fake. How can u be calling me an osh infront of our kids in the street yesterday

Just saw your latest post, OP. You are not responsible for him!

Now I see you have daughters.
Even more important to model to them that women do not allow themselves to be intimidated by men. Show them what strong independent women do.

So glad he is on the sofa. But he smashed your work laptop! He’s cheated. He’s abused you. The list goes on.

You and your girls deserve better. Hopefully this thread is giving strength.

osh?

@bluemoon2208- where did he live when he left for 5 months? Would it be possible for him to easily go back? (Ie his parents house.)

He abused you and your children and is threatening you to extort money from you. Your children don’t want him there. But you don’t want to end it for good because he helped you fix your electrics while verbally abusing you.

Get him out and call the police if he rips fixtures out. Take your life and home back.

Why can’t you change the locks when he is out and leave his stuff on the doorstep? If he kicks off then call the police.

And of course he’s not horrible all the time. That’s how abusers work. None of them are abusing 100% of the time… that’s how they keep you trapped.

What I would recommend is you speak to him again tonight. You’ve thought about it and you don’t want him living in your house anymore. This isn’t something he can talk you round, this relationship is over and him being in the house doesn’t make you happy. You aren’t having a conversation about it, you aren’t going to give him any money to go, you are just telling him he has to go. Ideally in the next couple of days.

Then you know you’ve given him the opportunity to be a decent man, he’s not taken it, so you can call the police on Wednesday and get him out.

(or if he does work, change the locks on Wednesday, you’ve warned him.)

Honestly I'd phone the police. You can't go on like that! Do you have a brother or dad or uncle who could come round and tell him to go again?

You want him out of your house for the safety, health and happiness of yourself and your daughters. Every day he hasn't been abusive does not excuse the times he is. Remember how good life can be without him. Is he actually your children's father? Take advice from Women's Aid and involve the police if necessary. Don't pay him any money, blackmailers just come back for more.

You don't need a big event as an excuse. You just wait for him to leave, and change the locks. Bag his rubbish, leave it out. Install ring doorbell.

If it is actually your house in your name and you are not married, and he doesn't contribute to the rent/mortgage, you can change the locks when he is out and as long as you leave all his belongings for him, there is not much he can do about it!
Find your strength and stop bring a doormat.

i think you are sending mixed messages. Be clear that you want him gone with a short deadline. If he doesn’t go, give him a further 24hrs but tell him that if he doesn’t go this time then you will be calling the police. If at any time you feel in danger, just call the police immediately and get him removed.
Don’t ever let him see the children at your house again. Be resolute and make sure he knows you mean it.

OP do you really want to have to give him a financial interest in your home ? If not then call the police and get them to escort him out. At present he has no claim on your home but there are laws waiting to be enacted that will change the thresholds for such a claim. You need to stop him from doing any more work on your home and get him out.