Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

I’m sorry for your loss up. Why did your parents divorce? I ask because I left my first marriage due to dv and I’d find it very hard to show any sympathy if my ex died, although I would check in on my dc and want to know if they are ok

They have been divorced a long time . To me it would be like a strangers death. Surely if she never got involved before she is hardly likely to do so now . Your sister and you have each other and are grown ups . Don't bother bringing his name up to her , it might be just unhappy memories.

There could be a lot of things going on. She might simply not care, but if her total disregard is otherwise out of character then it's probably more complicated, maybe it's brought up memories or emotions she would rather not have to deal with so has shut up shop.

Mum had an affair

I'm sorry to hear this. I dealt with the death of a parent in similar circumstances (divorced long ago, no relationship between them any more- they hadn't seen in each other in years)

My surviving parent did check in on me and ask if I was ok. I didn't really want to talk to them about it, but they would have and also offered to visit and support me in other ways.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you have other support around you

Her total disregard isn't out of character, it's completely in keeping with her character. She is generally fairly disinterested in me or my sister and our lives. But she often claims that's our fault because we don't involve her enough, so I suppose I thought she might use this as a way to connect with us, but perhaps she just doesn't want to

It’s hard to say - maybe she is secretly cut up about it and feels really guilty about what she did so she doesn’t engage. Maybe she is a bit selfish and really doesn’t care and doesn’t want to hear about it!

With her track record and past behaviour then I would say do not rely on her. I would say if you need to talk it through get someone independent and have some counselling.

sorry you are going through this!

She’s the same now as she ever was and she has not changed since your childihood. She cannot be relied upon for support or infact anything as she is not built that way. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You need to grieve for the relationship with her you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

In fairness, surely it was your father's choice for his young daughters to be the ones managing his health conditions, rather than your mother, who was divorced from him? I mean, in her shoes I would have been telling him that trying to get you to do this as children was completely unacceptable and wouldn't be continuing, but I also wouldn't have been doing it myself.

Isn't it the same with death-related logistics/his will etc?

Presumably for her he's just a distant bad memory she doesn't want revived, unlike some couples who retain some kind of relationship after a divorce.

Sorry for your loss. Yes, that's very strange compared to my experience. My parents divorced when I was tiny. When my mum was dying and I was caring for her, and I was planning the funeral and then the exec, my dad was really supportive of me.

I'm sorry.

It sounds like this is just reinforcing your mum's shitness at a time when you hoped she'd step up. But that's not who she is and it's quite confronting.

PS And I'm sorry for your loss, OP -- I think it can be very tough when you're grieving for a parent, and a sibling or other parent is entirely indifferent to their death, or actively pleased. It's a really difficult situation.

she sounds rather narcissistic- she’s happy so she isn’t bothered about anyone else. She didn’t care that you had to take on extra responsibility with your dad. She doesn’t actually care now.
I’d take this as a warning that she doesn’t have your back and never will. Make sure you two aren’t on the hook for her care as she ages.
Sorry. 💐

By contrast my friend’s ex died a few years ago. She regularly mentions how her DC have been coping, and what challenges they are facing with the estate logistics and with anniversaries. That each mourns differently and they’ve needed to compromise with each other. That’s what a good mum looks like.

I think it's fairly normal. Divorced a long time, no contact... it is essentially a stranger.

Now, she may be cut up and grieving and sad - in which case treating it like a stranger may be her way of coping. She may literally just not care.

I have only been divorced 3 years but no message from ex about my dad dying, not that I would expect or want one.

So if it happened with my kids it would be a bit different as they are 18/16 but give it 5 years or so and if it happened then, I would be the same as your mum. TBH if it happened tomorrow I would find it hard not to be the same as your mum anyway!

Yes, but I don't think the OP is complaining that her mother doesn't care about her ex's death (which is entirely understandable), it's more that she shows no interest in how her daughters, who do care, are dealing with their grief and managing the logistics of the funeral, will etc.

Wouldn't you want to support your children in their bereavement even if you were personally delighted your ex had died? Wouldn't you be able to separate a grieving child from the (possibly awful) person they are grieving?

This OP why would your mother whether she was married/ divorced to your dad be responsible for managing his medical conditions.
Im just getting the sense from that comment that maybe your dad wasnt very organised or responsible in general and maybe expected to much from other people?
I do think its odd she hasnt asked more about how you are but my mum is someone who struggles talking about emotions.

I think a lot of people are focusing on defending your mums right to not be grieving your dad but my understanding from your post, is that that’s not really the issue. It’s the lack of concern for the pain her children are feeling. From what you’ve said she is showing little care or empathy for the loss that you feel and furthermore, is showing a lack of self awareness in regards to vocalising to you how much she loves her life and how much she loves not having any one to care for, while you, her child, could actually do with being cared for. It’s tactless and I understand why you would find it hurtful.

Yes I absolutely don't expect mum to help with the logistics now or the medical conditions previously. But I hoped she might have been a listening ear to her two children. If me and DH split up, and my children had to visit him and deal with very scary medical episodes, I would hope they would feel they could ring me to tell me they were scared or panicking, or be able to talk about it after the fact.

Similarly, if a friend's relative died, although I wouldn't be any use logistically, I would be checking in on my friend and helping them in other ways if I could, even if the relative that died was a complete stranger to me. Because I would care about the friend...

And yes he was completely unorganised and a shambles of a father but that's a story for another day!

I understand what you’re saying, and think your mother could have been more present as a support, but are you sure you’re not displacing blame from your father expecting too much from you as children onto your mother?

Her daughters have lost their father.

Very possibly! I really don't know

I am in an almost directly comparable position - my parents divorced over 30 years ago and my mum recently died.
My dad hasn't asked how we are but honestly we wouldn't expect him to as he's a man in his 80s and how many men like that talk about feelings?

My parents though were friendly, my dad's helped with practical arrangements and is supporting us well like that.

My mum was the one who left, general dissatisfaction with the marriage, not feeling close to my dad I think.

I can see why you are upset but you might need to lower your expectations I'm afraid.

I get it. My parents divorced but saw each other alot at family things etc, and tbh maintained more of a relationship than they needed to (not romantically at all).

When my dad died a few years ago I fully expected my mum to go to the funeral. She hadnt seen my him for quite a while as his health had deteriorated over the past couple of years. She didnt go, and basically couldn't understand why I thought she would! I didnt bother explaining the idea of supporting your daughters who have lost their dad. Its a separate thing from it being your ex husband that has died. Why wouldnt you support a close family member like that. She would go to the funeral of a friends dad for sure, but not her daughters.

She hasn’t changed though, has she. Shes not going to. She was an inadequate parent then, and remains one now. I’m sorry for your loss, and the fact you don’t have the mum you deserve.

My mum asked what mine looked like when he died. Honestly couldn't believe it. Hope you're doing ok 💐