Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

she often claims that's our fault because we don't involve her enough

Classic bit of projection there from your mum! She’s not interested and has a degree of shame about it, so blames you guys for it. Sounds like she’s always been an immensely self-centred woman and isn’t about to change now. Sorry OP. Losing a parent is hard enough without family dynamics making it worse. I hope you and your sis can get through it together at least. 💐

I would be slightly sad if my ex died, but as we divorced 25 years ago (no abuse) I wouldn't feel the need to get involved. I’d support my kids (as he’s their dad) but that would be that.

This sounds very familiar, although mum didn't bother waiting till we were 18, she checked out once I started secondary school. We see her about twice a year, she takes lots of videos of the kids and then sits sending them all to her friends and that's the end of it until next time. It's very much just keeping up appearances to her friends.

@fendti my mother was very similar, she was not at all interested in my life. She checked out around the same time as your mother did, early secondary school.

Eventually I stopped telling her anything important because I didn't want to experience her lack of interest. I didn't fall out with her, I just reduced contact and expected nothing of her.

I'm glad you have your sister to support you.

"But maybe we aren't that great and she's happier with her carefree life!"

There's a lot of sadness and feelings of abandonment in that comment 😥

I know it won't help you but I am pretty certain that your mother behaves in this negligent selfish way because she is chronically immature and self-absorbed. Some people really shouldn't have kids, because they're awful awful parents. It's actually not personal. There's nothing you could change about yourself that would make her a better parent.

You may find "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay Gibson useful. You will likely find your mother and yourself in those pages.

It literally doesn’t matter how she felt about their dad. She could’ve hated his guts!

you support your children through grieving for their father no matter what!

OP and her sister are adults with their own children. I'm not sure you can accuse a parent of being negligent when their children are that old.

All we know is that OPs parents divorced many years ago. Her dad had health issues he failed to get a hold of (undisclosed and could have been anything from poorly managed diabetes to alcoholism) and OPs mum left him and not surprisingly has had nothing to do with him since.

I think there's a lot of harsh judgement being passed on OPs mum diagnosing her as selfish, negligent, narcissistic etc when all of us know very, very little about her and her life. For all we know her late ex husband made her life a misery.

OP, I'm sorry your dad died and I'm sorry your mum doesn't give you the 'mum' support you feel you should have. It sounds like there was/is a lot going on in your family dynamic thats beyond your control x

My mum was like this when my dad a few years ago. She wasn’t interested and thought it odd that I travelled 3 hours once a week to visit him whilst he died of a rapidly progressing cancer.
The night he died the care home called me to say what had happened. I was at her house and she was watching a home renovation programme. After I
got off the phone and told my children their grandad had died, she waited about 15 seconds before pointing to the TV set so we could all see the reveal of the living room decoration.

It's strange. You don't seem to understand the crux here, even though several people have spelled it out already.

"it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time."

Good parents care about their kids, no matter how old they are. Good people care about each other. If you love someone, you care when they're down and struggling.

OP feels like her mother doesn't care. Her 'parenting' is performative. She left her young daughters with an unstable man. She's a cheater. She sounds like a lousy person as well as a crap parent.

Why are you defending this woman? Why are you missing the point of OP's posts so badly?

I appreciate all of your comments and viewpoints, I do understand that my mum doesn't have any responsibility for looking after me now. I have a wonderful MIL who is a listening ear when any of us are finding things hard, and is there to celebrate all the joyful things too. I hope this is the kind of mother I am and will continue to be as my children grow into adults, and that's what I should be focusing my energy on

It is wholly unreasonable to expect people to change. You should know her by now and accept the person she is, abd deal with your grief with your own husband/sister /friends.

Men don’t have a monopoly on being selfish arseholes. It’s just more surprising when it’s a woman.

I’m sorry that you’re effectively orphaned now. You don’t have that feeling that someone, however competent or practical or able (or not), is still there in your background. Or, rather, that you feel that you and your sister are now the elders of your family. You don’t have anyone watching your back or even wishing they could.

Err -she has a husband.
As an adult, your spouse is your support /not your parents.

I'd struggle to engage with anything about my ex-husband death, he was a bad husband.

You sound resentful of your Mam not continuing to support your Dad after their divorce, you really should resent his actions not hers.

Some of us are lucky enough to have had both. I’d want that for everyone.

You can want but that doesn’t make it so.
The father should not have exoected his DDs to manage his health issues.
If the DDs are determined to resent, they should resent him, not his divorced spouse.

I think it’s poor. If my ex dies before me I would step up to support DC. My own DF woukd be nowhere to be seen with DM..,not much you csn do. Don’t bother mentioning it and maybe lower contact for a bit if it helps

I understand the crux but I also understand that things are often not what they seem, especially when you only hear one side of a story.

I understand that OP has beef with her mum and it sounds like she's had beef with her for a very, very long time which has allowed a lot of resentment to build up. I also think OP is being very selective in what she's saying about the family set up/her dads health/why her mum left.

I agree, good parents care about their children no matter how old they are. Good parents also encourage their children into being self sufficient adults. There is no evidence that OPs mum was a bad parent when she was a child - I was under the impression that OP was over 18 when her mum left. She was unfaithful, so what? Without knowing more information I don't believe that automatically makes her a bad parent or even a bad person depending on teh situation.

Maybe discussing her ex husband brings back all sorts of awful memories? Who knows, certainly not anyone on this thread except OP.

I'm defending her because I feel like there is so much more to this than OP is saying and as usual with it being MN everyone is pointing the finger at the woman for not being a good enough mum without asking 'what was the fathers role in this situation'.

I'm not meaning to be selective with information, more so not trying to bore everyone with my entire life story. I was in primary school when my parents split up. Both parents were terrible but dad never claimed to be anything else really. It's harder with mum as she tries to paint the picture to outsiders that she's brilliant and hands on but we get a very different reality. She is more calculated in how she does things whereas dad would gladly tell anyone he isn't interested in his children.

It sounds like you drew the parental short straw x

Yes. As I say, I will focus my energy on ensuring the same isn't the case for my own children

Studies show that around 15 in 100 people SIGNIFICANTLY lack empathy. It would be silly to assume that only people with sufficient empathy are posting here. If you are unable to recognise emotional neglect in a relationship , or the pain in someone’s writing, you’re hardly likely to be able to offer basic emotional support to other people.

Do you feel able to ask for support from her?

“mum, I have a lot going on at the moment with dads death, could you please [watch the children a few evenings over the next two weeks], [do a few school runs], so I can focus on the paperwork?

”mum, you haven’t asked how I’m coping with dads death. Can I ask why as I’d really benefit from some support”.

Call her out and ask for help. She sounds like she’s selfish by nature. Often when expect that to be a male trait but it’s not, women can be just as self centred. But she’s a mother, chose to have you, and is wanting to be part of your life, so she should absolutely be providing you with emotional and practical support at this time. In fact, she should be really checking in to make sure you’re ok, not a one line text, that’s awful.

I am really sorry your dad has passed. My parents had separated for 30 years, myself and sisters were young. My dad passed away 3 years ago and my mum was by my side straight away. She attended the funeral and will visit his grave and lay flowers on our behalf.
I know she only does this for me and my sisters, she has no reason to do this than for us. We couldn’t have got through these 3 years without her. When your child is hurting, or going through something that causes pain you are there for them. You’re completely right to feel the way you do and I’m sorry your mum can’t be a source of comfort at this difficult time 💞

Yanbu, but you really shouldn't be surprised.
Selfish people tend to be consistent and she is this.
Focus on your sister and be there for each other.
Put her on a complete information diet.
My friends mother was similar and when she eventually realised she only visited to maintain fodder for SM, she put a complete and utter stop to it.

She also discarded any pretence with her in laws and wider family.
This upset her mother greatly as she did love to maintain appearances.