Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

But why do you and your sister need that performance? That she has to go through?
How about just validate her feelings?
So many people on here expect to project their feelings in other people, and ‘shame’ them for not performing to set standard.

Agree. And the 15% are also very vocal about their empathy-less views: they completely miss the point - repeatedly - and then insist they are right. It's the EQ form of Dunning-Kruger.

I don't even understand why they're on MN Relationships. AIBU or Reddit would be much more suited for them.

You grew up with shiftless parents, who didn't make you feel safe (both parents), who made you take on the parent role to an adult parent (your father), who didn't protect you (both parents), who showed no interest in you (both parents).

It was/is NOT YOUR FAULT.

It's not because you were/are unlovable.

It's because THEY are lacking maturity and solidity.

But I know: it creates an echoing, festering wound to grow up with negligent parents who don't do the basics of parenting.

One way to deal with that wound is to parent your children as you should have been parented yourself. Which you are doing.

Another, additional way - which will also help you parent safely - is to get therapy, or read around the topic of neglectful parents. You will see that you are not alone, and there is a way to heal that wound. You CAN live a life that is not burdened by this, that is not in reaction to this, where you can live according to who you really are.

Performance? No, just a mum supporting her children. Mine are middle aged, married, with their own children. Like most caring parents I’d be there for them if needed. Isn’t that the norm?

Oh this in spades! @fendti Is clearly not expecting her mum to sit and cry with her over the dad’s death, she just had hoped her mum might see her sadness and react accordingly towards her. She wouldn’t need to say how she personally felt about her ex-husband’s death. Just acknowledge her daughter’s pain. But she didn’t. I think this is what op is saying.
I know a few posters are saying ‘but why should she?’ but, well, I think it’s not unreasonable to wish she had been kinder? From later posts from the op it seems like it was a pattern of behaviour from her mum so things were probably not going to go the way she might have hoped. I would think the op thought that an event this big in her life would spark something. And it didn’t. It’s an unpleasant awakening. Sorry for the loss of your dad @fendti x

This is quite sad to read. Do you spend much time with her? Have you said to her you feel like she doesnt like or value you much?

Some people are just not in touch with their emotions or maybe she doesnt know what you want from her?

Have you said to her you feel like she doesnt like or value you much?

it takes mature people to sit with the disappointment of others. Unfortunately the inability to tolerate that feeling usually prompts the person to not only defend their behaviour but to announce you are the problem for thinking there is a problem. And a brief glance at the news always confirms that people who are able to produce children do not undergo a supernatural psychological metamorphosis at the point of conception. Having children and feeling a deep connection with them are not and never have been mutually inclusive but society absolutely pisses it’s pants when we try to discuss how common it is for children to be more emotionally mature than there parents by the time the child is 7/8.

Regardless of your own personal feelings towards the other parent you still are supposed to love and care for your child my ex husband is an absolute bastard if he died tomorrow I wouldn't be sad but my children would be and as a parent I would make an effort to support them and check in on them not for him but because I love my children more than I despise him

Fwiw I lost my dad this year in January my mom still hasnt asked if im ok she has my sister though so I guess thats something

Your mum sounds very detached from her own children. She is probably pretty self-sufficient at the moment, but as she ages, will she expect a lot of care and support from you and your sister? If she does, she is very hypocritical and I would certainly push back on that.

However, surely it was up to your dad to manage his own medical conditions properly, taking his doctor's advice and any medication that was prescribed.

In my long experience of life, those that are the most selfish as parents themselves in their long healthy years, are the most demanding and difficult as they age and have health issues.

My friends with such parents have firmly matched their energy.
They have completely refused to be used as cleaners, gardeners, taxi drivers and meal providers, for parents that barely raised them, and have plenty of money to pay for these services.

Invariably there is one chosen golden child that tries to rally the troups, but my friends have refused to entertain it, as between their own families and busy careers, they don't have time.

Likewise those that showed sod all interest in their grandchildren as they grew up, cannot be surprised that their busy grandchildren have zero time to visit.

It keeps being mentioned that my dad should have been responsible for his own medical needs. I know this, but I didn't know that as a small child when I was left to care for him. Now I'm an adult with more knowledge on these things, I know that his medical issues could have been much much better managed and as children we could have avoided all the scary things we saw. And yes I'm angry with my dad for this. His death has inevitably been more continuation of poor management of his own health. My point of resentment towards my mum here, was that she offered us no support when we were under 10 years old, coming home from a weekend at dad's saying we'd had to help him with seizures overnight, had to help him pull over the car etc and she just shrugged it off.

My children are a similar age now, and I would not be sending them to any relative who had sole charge of them and couldn't manage their medical conditions to the point they were completely incapable of caring for the children. If they were with a relative and an emergency happened, even if I didn't like the relative, I would hope they would ring me in the moment so I could reassure them and help them. Not for the relative, but for my children. THAT is my point.

I see her around twice a year at the most, I think she would just get defensive if I raised it as she isn't really able to see her own behaviour

Dh was shocked when his old ended and he found out his ex wife was in another country throughout his cancer journey, he said the same ‘she should be supporting her daughters’ but she lived with him alone for years with the daughters popping in possibly once a month while she dealt with him being abysmal to her so I kind of get it. Op I’d guess she looked after him for years and just couldn’t do it anymore, sorry for your loss though

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject.

So sorry for your loss.

But ...

She divorced him when you were DC, as she had an affair? It's perfectly obvious why she's behaving as she is. She has no connection to him, she divorced him some time ago. She can care about your feelings, but why would she care about his death?

It's tough for you, obviously, but I think you have to accept that's her POV. It sounds as though she should never have married him (although then you wouldn't have been born!).

I think you just have to let it go. Your relationship with your father is your relationship, not your mother's. You mother made it clear years ago that she didn't want a relationship with your father.

I’m sorry for your loss. I think your mum’s behaviour shows that she does not care emotionally for you or your sister and I’m sorry you are now dealing with that too. The only positive is that you can both now put strong boundaries in place around your mum and be very clear on what your responses will be as she ages and, probably, expects you to step in.

I’m a bit of a bitch so my response to “my life is wonderful without anyone to care for” would be “Yes, although sad I’m happy that I won’t have any sicker older relatives to care for in the future. I won’t be doing that for you.”

“Purplecatshopaholic · Yesterday 13:46
She hasn’t changed though, has she. Shes not going to. She was an inadequate parent then, and remains one now. I’m sorry for your loss, and the fact you don’t have the mum you deserve.”

@Purplecatshopaholic has nailed it. Your mother is an inadequate mother. She’s unable to imagine how you and your sister feel about this. It doesn’t even occur to do that. She seems to lack the necessary instincts around it.

She has no connection to him, she divorced him some time ago. She can care about your feelings, but why would she care about his death?

it’s weird, I guess you don’t need to be personally affected by a loss to feel it acutely if the loss hurts someone you love. I don’t know know to explain it more clearly than that but even while I’m trying to explain it I’m feeling like maybe it’s explaining something that I have no business spelling out to someone I assume is over eighteen.

So we've reached the conclusion my mother is free to do as she wishes and not play a mothering role. I guess what I'm wondering is where does that leave me? At this stage I could quite happily go no contact. If she shouldn't have to keep up with a 'mothering' performance, why should I keep up with being an attentive daughter? Surely we just accept there is no relationship and move on with our lives

Personally? I’d say yes. But it’s up to you. You have no obligation to her.

She is and always has been a neglectful mother. Now you know better, and understand how she let you down. You get to choose.

For me, LC is easiest. If you are successfully getting away with a couple of contacts a year then I’d probably sustain that for the least hassle. If there’s any sign of her expecting you to step up in a practical way and you don’t want to, then back away a little faster.

I think that you should go no contact. It's simpler and you don't need to feel guilty as you are just matching her energy. You bear her no ill will but there is no mother/daughter relationship and you will feel liberated when you don't need to consider her any more.

Is there perhaps some guilt around this?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Apart from acting like the most important widow in the world at my DFs funeral (I don't even know why she came except she thought she'd get attention) my DM never once asked how I was after he died and I was in bits and so unwell I was off work for 3 months. They had been divorced for 16 years. She never said one comforting thing.

But then she didn't care about me before then. It's still horrible.

Is there perhaps some guilt around this?

do you think the mum feels so bad about an affair decades ago that she has been unable to show interest in her children? Could she just not have the psychological wherewithal to care much?