Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

Surely we just accept there is no relationship and move on with our lives

is your mum likely to see it as honestly as the above or is she invested in the image of you having a relationship with her? It’s the painful irony of these parents. Are there other people that are invested in the image of a relationship? I find that disordered people find it very hard to let someone they have hurt go without attempting to make a mess to disguise the heart of the issue. Is there any potential collateral that you’re worried about such as other relationships?

She would play the victim for sure. My main concern really is how to tackle it with my MIL. God love her, she is so innocent to family dramas as she has and always has had a very loving family, and can't fathom anything different. So she would find it upsetting if I said I was going NC with my mum. We are next door neighbours and I wouldn't put it past my mum to continue trying to have a relationship with MIL to then 'bump into me' in my garden smugly, like 'you can't get rid of me'. Probably while playing the victim to everyone else that she's such an attentive mum and her daughter is so cruel.

I have gone very low contact in the last year. I decided after a visit last year that I would start to match her energy completely and see what happened. Basically we now barely speak, as she asks nothing about me and I mirror it about her. We met up recently (a week after my dad died) with my kids and we sat in silence for a lot of it, she couldn't think of anything to say to the children.

I genuinely had to ask my sisters if this was them, I have twin sisters but I know some things are changed for anonymity, my dad died on Monday after a fairly short battle with cancer, we were all on holiday together, our mum, and us three and the children, we found out at 4am that day, we thought he had a few months left, we were all absolutely devestated, mum and dad divorced when I was 10 but had been together since they were 16, at the time he was having a few affairs, my sisters and I had a good relationship with him but then he descended into alcoholism and things got strained, we have had a great last 18 years though and my mum and him were friends for those 20 years. Mum became this Rock hard wall of emotionless thing whilst on holiday, luckily we had us three to lean on, she snapped at us and never once asked how we were, and still hasn’t, we have checked in on her and enquired after her as she has had mental health issues over the years but they did know each other for 54 years, but she hasn’t once asked us how we are, and when my sisters went in for a hug at the airport she even asked “why are you hugging me??” I find it all a bit odd and get that she is probably processing a lot of different emotions at the moment but it’s hard that she appears not to care about her three daughters right now. So I guess the takeaway for you is perhaps she is confused about how she should feel the same as my mum and even if she can’t or won’t say it, she must care about your grief. Give her time but I am very sorry for your loss xx

I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your dad and things are difficult for you. I think you've answered your own question. Some people don't have empathy, full stop. It's possibly not crossed your mother's mind that you and your sister might be struggling emotionally and physically with the aftermath of your father's death. She sounds a bit narcissistic also, just talking about how lucky she is, without a thought for anyone else, and as you say, it's in character. You won't change her now so stick with your sistre for support and let your mother get on with her own life.

I get what you're trying to say OP. And unless you have been there, its hard to imagine.

This will hit you hard at some point because you will start grieving the parents you should have had, not the reality. There's no chance with your dad and what is frustrating is there could be a chance with your mum but she simply isn't capable of it

Be kind to yourself. You've been through so much and your grief hasn't hit you yet. She's the same as she's always been. It's you that have had your eyes ripped open and what is seen cannot be unseen.

Take care of yourself.

Why do you have resentment towards your mum for his poorly managed medical conditions? If they were divorced, that’s not something she should have been expected to manage. If your Dad let it fall on you and your sister, the blame goes to him. He shouldn’t have burdened his children with his care. There’s services to help people who don’t have family members to care for them.

So maybe keep on matching her energy? Let her teach out to you?

I’m so sorry all this has happened to you. It sounds like you drew a very short straw where parents were concerned. You had to go through a lot with your dad, and I can’t imagine why your mum wasn’t more concerned about you. I’m sorry; you deserved a lot better.

Have you had counselling? 💐

I can't keep answering this

Thank you so much

I have had some counselling previously but I don't think I could see the full picture as I can now, so I think I'll look into it again

She sounds very selfish generally, disinterested, puts herself first. The only surprise is you think she might actually change and step up because the man she left has died.

I can't keep answering this

does the need to keep explaining something that most primary school kids understand feel familiar?

I worked with small children for over a decade and it was because I had spent decades trying to explain basic rules of behaviour to my parent that I was probably well suited to it 🤣 only thing is the kids got it eventually

There are points in life that change you, shift your perspective about your parents. One is when you have your own children and you realise all the things they did and didn't do for you, in contrast (or in line with) what you do for your own children. The other moment is when they die. As PPs have said, you will be grieving doubly for your dad - that he's gone, whatever kind of parent he was, and that he wasn't a better father and you didn't have a different, better relationship. My advice is decide what you want to do and don't anticipate what your mum will do or not. If you don't want to speak to her any more don't. You don't have to write her a whole spiel saying you are going no contact. Just slip away quietly, like it sounds like you are halfway to doing already. Don't reply to messages. If she comes round just smile and be nice but say you're just on your way out, and leave. If she tries to get your MIL onside just say oh of course we still talk, not sure what mum is talking about. Grey rock all the way.

I agree. No big announcement. Just quietly drift. Your MIL wont really notice. And because your MIL has not had this horrible experience, don't feel you have to explain. She should respect that you dont want to talk about it. Infact use that boundary now while she understands you're grieving.

I think counselling would be good now....not CBT but deep stuff that goes back to your childhood.

Read Adult children of emotionally immature parents and you're not the problem. Two fantastic books that might help with healing. Sending love ❤️

@fendti my Mum had been married to my Dad for over 50 years when he sadly died. She has never asked me, or my siblings, how we are. It has been solely about her and her needs and I don't think our loss/grief has even crossed her mind. It's astonishing to me and has forever changed how I feel about her.

I know she is emotionally immature - and I have found myself googling covert narcissism to explain this and other behaviours - but the upshot is that she just can't see outside her own needs to offer us any meaningful support.

I wanted to share that with you because I don't think your situation is about your parents being divorced or you Dad's ill health etc. it's about your Mum and her self-centredness. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, maybe you need time to grieve the relationship with your Mum as well as the loss of your Dad.

Ok. Reading your other comments makes sense. I’m a mother of an adult child and can’t imagine not supporting him through hard things even if they don’t involve me.
i think both your parents failed you as a child. To me it seems like your mum needed or wanted the break every week even if it meant putting you in an awful situation.
Don’t feel guilty about going no contact. I’d probably not ‘officially’ do it. More so just don’t contact her. If she contacts you or initiates anything than you can respond. But don’t make the effort of your side.

There is no relationship

Just deal with it clinically and if something comes up, err on the side of caution than complete honesty.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

To be honest she sounds like a thoughtless selfish woman who simply isn’t asking because she doesn’t want to have to provide any support or carry any burden. Sounds like she has lived her life this way. You aren’t going to get anything support wise out of her, this is who she is.

Carry on as you are. Matching her energy.
Talk to your husband and perhaps have a gentle boundary conversation with your MIL.

She doesn't have to understand how you feel, but you can be clear that you do not want her to be used by your mother for contact when it suits her.

Her doing a visit by stealth via MIL is consistent with parents like that.

So have a nice but firm chat with your MIL, that you never want to find out that she has been used by your mother to visit.

Talk to your husband so this is communicated clearly.

Say nothing directly to your mother, just continue to match her energy.

She will undoubtedly want to increase contact at some point because it will suit her too.

Deal with that when it suits you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad . You need to take the time to grieve him properly . Even if his death wasn’t unexpected due to his health - the end result is still the same as he is no longer in your life . Grief can open up wounds / trigger earlier issues so if you can access it , counselling would be good for you .

As others have said you will also be grieving the “father” that you should
have had and that can no longer be changed . That must have been very difficult for you and your sister when you were children, to “parent “ him and will have had to grow up quickly .

You may have been able to excuse / accept your mother’s behaviour previously . However it shows a very different side , when she has no empathy for you and your sister when you are going through grief , as that is one of life’s major challenges .She isn’t helping with the practical things either or being any support to you .

I think there is a huge world of difference in cutting ties with a spouse when there are no children involved . That is not what your mother did , she left you and your sister to deal with your father’s issues during your childhood . That is extremely selfish behaviour .

She has not been there for you and it does not seem that she will ever be . She does not seem capable or willing to see how your father’s death is impacting you and your sister .

I think it would also be helpful to have a long chat with your sister and if you can -,put up a united front and agree about how you will manage your mum going forward . I think that is important as you don’t want this to cause any rifts with your sister as it is understandable to feel guilty when you reduce contact with a loved one . Your mum may well use this and target who she sees as the one most likely to give in .
Take care x

I'm sorry for your loss.

However I can understand your mother's lack of interest. I stepped back from my parents because they refused to support me as a child/young woman. I stepped back even further when I left my home city and never returned. I went to my father's funeral and was guilted by my mother and sister for not being around more during his last illness. I never returned when my mother died. and did not attend the funeral. All I can remember feeling was a profound sense of relief that they were no longer around to chip at my consciousness.

When a family environment is consistently unsupportive or emotionally damaging, stepping away is often the only way to protect your peace and well-being. The relief you feel is a very real, valid response to the lifting of a heavy emotional burden that you carried for years. Making the choice to prioritise your own mental health, especially when faced with guilt from others,takes immense strength.

Sorry for your loss. It will bring up all sorts of emotions and reflections. Also, unfortunately a lot of admin too. Especially a she wasn’t very organised - what a headache!

Well, you certainly sound like you have a wise, insightful, head on your shoulders, but unpacking things with a therapist is hardly ever unhelpful.

It can be so hard to relate to and understand people like your mum, and maybe dad too, because you are not like her, same for MiL. This can be what causes us to keep being hurt and disappointed because we expect more than they’re capable of. It sounds like you turned a corner though when you decided to match her energy. Well done. It’ll get easier. Accepting that you are not obligated is a bit help.

Minimal contact can be very liberating, as can no contact, however I appreciate the things that are holding you back on that one.

Maybe some conversations with MiL about your experiences may be helpful? However, it sounds like if mother decided to try to manipulate MiL, she wouldn’t see it, or be able to assert against it?

Maybe just keep up the minimal, energy matching, arrangement you’re already doing. And I am sure there can be a few last minute reasons you may have to cancel too, or why the kids can’t come, to drag things out even further, if need be. It may end up being just a few awkward hours every other year.

It may be the best way to not cause a battle with her Ego, but accepting this and why, also that it’s not your fault, we don’t get to choose our parents, can be really helpful. The more we see it for what it really is, the less hurtful it is.

You are not like her, or him, by the sounds of it. That is the main thing.

All the best!

especially when faced with guilt from others,takes immense strength.

it does. And you’ll only go on to then learn more and more about how to build and shape the life any loving adult would want for you. And you learn that not all attention is care and that not everyone in your life wants the best for you. And that love is always a beautiful and gentle thing wherever you discover it.

Great post and could not agree more.