Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

Your mum divorced your dad many years ago presumably because she wanted a life without him in it. I think you're being a bit unfair criticising her for previously showing no interest in his ailments and now showing little interest in his death. I'm not surprised she doesn't want to hear about it all. You and your sister are adults, you can support each other can't you?

I think your mum is getting a bad rap here because you're expect her to still be mothering you when your an adult.

He's your dad and you clearly cared about him. Your mum post divorce is under no obligation to have any interest in him. In fact from your post it sounds like she disliked him quite a lot.

No, she hasn't. I think part of me naively assumed she might change when he died, that maybe she'd realise what she had etc.

Thank you all for your comments, I'm reading them all. Sorry for those that have gone through similar

Yes, me and my sister can support each other, and we are. My MIL is also being very supportive and lovely and I'm very grateful to have her. I really don't expect my mum to care about dad at all, I just thought she might care about her daughters. I guess I'm wondering whether I need to continue the charade of a relationship with my mum when it's clear now she has no interest in us

what do you mean you thought your mum "might realise whats she'd had".

It sounds like she got out of a marriage to a irresponsible man child, so there were probably a lot of feelings of resentment etc.
I think people are being a bit unfair here and expecting a bit much from your mum.

To be honest it sounds like you'd be more shocked if she had made an effort to support you both. As it stands she's just being the same mum you already knew.

Sorry that this is your reality, can't change people am afraid. I hope you and your sister are there for each other instead and go easy, you've suffered an awful loss.

I think your mum is getting a bad rap here because you're expect her to still be mothering you when your an adult.

My mother 'mothered' me until the day she died when she was 90. I had been an adult for many years at that point!

As in, us daughters. I thought maybe it may have dawned on her that she won't be around forever and to value us and her grandchildren more? But maybe we aren't that great and she's happier with her carefree life!

It doesn’t sound like your mum is acting any differently from before. It’s awful having a disinterested parent because no matter how much you tell yourself that you’ve come to terms with it there’s always a part of you that hopes they will magically turn into the parent you wanted. I’m sorry your dad died and I’m sorry your mum is not being the mum you’d like right now. My own mother is a complete cold fish, I completely understand why she is like that, but it doesn’t make me wish she wasn’t.

I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. If you were both happy with that set up then fine 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like your mum's behaviour is quite in keeping with her personality as it's always been, and you mistakenly thought she would suddenly change and show concern for you when she never has before. I hope you and your sister can support each other through this difficult time 💐

I'm struggling to understand why as someone who is old enough to have children of her own you can't see that some people (your mum by the sound of it) don't want to revolve their lives around their adult children and grandchildren.

It's probably not a slur on you OP maybe she just wants to enjoy her life and independence after raising her own children.

I think it’s very odd OP.

If DH and I had divorced I would still understand the upset that his death would cause to our daughters … he’s still their bloody dad!

Sounds like she has no emotional intelligence whatsoever. Her loss but difficult for you.

I can totally understand her not giving a shit that her ex-husband is dead, but I'd want to support you as daughters.

What a strange post! Most people prioritise a relationship with their kids and grandkids surely! That’s normal behaviour … I still have my own life and lots of friends and interests but my adult DDs are still my world and always will be … and and grandkids that may come along.

There's a difference between prioritising your own children/grandchildren and revolving your life around them though.

There are so many posts on MN where the adult OP can't/won't understand that that mum (it's never dad) won't drop everything for them to their own disadvantage or keep 'mothering' them til their dying day.

Ops mum clearly had/has no interest in her ex husband, because why would she? Her daughters are both adults and she probably expects them to just get on with it which imo isn't unreasonable. They are after all adults with their own children.

I can appreciate the deep hurt of this situation.

Do you have in-laws? I found my Mother in Law to be a great source of the type of emotional support that my Mother was not really capable of giving. My Mum always said she was probably on the spectrum which helped me understand where she was coming from a bit more.

I don't think I've said anywhere that I expect my mum to revolve her life around us

You haven’t. If my DC or DGC were going through a tough time for whatever, I hope I could at least be supportive, even from a distance. Sorry for your loss, and the sorting out afterwards.

Sometimes people can’t put old grievances aside and step outside their own opinions of a person. She might not care he’s died but she should care that you and your sister are upset.

I think it’s selfish and immature personally. I know a woman who said she wouldn’t attend her son’s wedding if her ex husband was there. I imagine she’d be much the same in the event of his death.

Op sorry about the loss of your dad.

Unfortunately unless your initial post includes paragraphs of childhood violence a lot of posters will want to shame you one way or another into pretty much Just Not Thinking About It™. It’s quite usual for a death in these painful families to highlight the heart of the issue and it’s invariably a parent who lacks empathy and is quite literally unable to love their children while also being unaware of their inability. The unloved child lives in hope of their parent maturing/healing without naming it explicitly. Then a loss happens and it’s like a veil falling.

What you’re wondering is how on earth do you continue small talk now you’ve seen behind the curtain.

I know it’s an over-used phrase - but is she a narcissist? My ex SIL had an affair when her boys were 4 and 8 and genuinely cares only about herself. She’s concerned with her kids only insofar as they make her look like a better person to the outside world and she’s quite happy to admit that once her kids turned 18 she felt relieved she didn’t need to pretend to have any maternal feelings towards them.

When they are struggling or need support (emotional, practical, financial) she’s not there for them.

Im so sorry your mum left you floundering with a sickly dad. She’s an unpleasant lady with no empathy.

The good news is - if and when she ever has need of you and your dsis, you can cheerfully tell her where to shove it.

I'm really surprised by people saying this is normal. For context, if one of my kids' friends who I didn't know died, I would hold them as they wept, and ask them about their feelings, give them the opportunity to remember and talk about their friend, and go to the funeral - because I love my kids and I care about their feelings? Surely most parents would be this way?

I am very surprised by your mother's behaviour and honestly I think you need to talk openly with your mum about her behaviour and lack of support for you.

Wow that's really harsh.

There is a massive gulf between revolving one's life around adult kids and literally caring that they have suffered a massive loss?

If your adult child lost someone - anyone - close to them, surely one would show empathy and understanding, offer to help, a listening ear? Whether we know the deceased or not, or care about the deceased or not?

In reverse I've gone to the funerals of many of my elderly parents' friends who I never met because (you guessed it) I'm trying to be kind and sympathetic to my parents because I love them?

Sure, but I think it's less straightforward if the dead person isn't a friend of your child's whom you hardly knew, but a man you divorced decades ago and heartily loathed. Yes, absolutely, ideally, the OP's mother would put her own feelings about her ex aside and comfort her grieving daughters even if she's personally thrilled he's dead and hoped it was an unpleasant end, but from everything the OP says, her mother is just not that person, and has never been. He's always been her ex, in whom she has no interest, not also her daughters' father.

I agree. If my adult children lost someone close to them of course I'd comfort them.

But, if the person they'd lost was my disliked ex husband (and they'd previously criticised me for not stepping in to help them, help him with his health problems even after I'd divorced him) then I'd probably be offering less comfort because of the complicated history.

It's not as if OPs mum has ignored the fact he's died. She offered her condolences and now expects her adult daughters to get on with it.