Struggling with Mum's behaviour after Dad's death

[fendti]

I'm finding it difficult to understand my mum's behaviour currently and would like some perspective on what is 'normal' in this situation...

My dad died very recently and my sister and I are now dealing with the logistics. It's all a bit of a mess, and a lot of work. We both have young children and live quite far from where he lived. My parents are divorced.

What I'm finding odd, is mum hasn't asked us at all about any of it, or how we are. She sent us a text the day after he died saying 'sorry to hear about your dad' but since then, no mention. If we say we have been sorting things out, she just ignores it and changes the subject. She is also often saying what a wonderful life she has with no responsibilities or anyone to care for.

A bit of back story for clarity, our parents divorced when we were young, and my sister and I were left to care for dad's poorly managed medical conditions throughout our childhood, so I guess we already had some resentment that mum essentially washed her hands of it all, without any support for what her children were having to deal with. This feels the same, complete disinterest. We don't expect her to help with logistics of a man she was no longer married to, it just feels odd that she's offering no sort of emotional support to her daughters who are having a tough time.

So your dad had a medical condition that HE didn't take any responsibility for....but somehow that's your mums fault?

Wise words @PrizedPickledPopcorn 👏🏻

Your father doesn't exactly sound to be a shiny example of good parenthood. Admitting he was useless doesn't change that.

Your mum sounds like she made the best decision when she left.

I'm sorry to hear about your father's death.

The one thing I have learned about complex relationships with parents is that things get a lot easier once you have accepted that they are how they are and that them being like that is not down to you. There is no "better daughter" version of you that could have called forth a "better mother" version of her. Her behaviour around your father's death sounds of her piece with her behaviour generally. I'm sorry that she is not more of a support to you and I would look to other people in your life to provide that.

I can see why you are struggling and you should never have been left to help care for an adult as a child. It should have been your mums responsibility to shield you from this, in whatever form that took, that what you do for your children regardless of your relationship with your ex spouse.

wishing you strength and light for the future

The woman can't help the way she is! She was born like that. She's just not interested and there's no point you wishing it otherwise

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. It doesn't matter whether they were a good parent or not. It's a deep psychological wound.

It feels maybe a little worrying that you can't be honest with your mother-in-law and are trying to pretend to have a relationship with your mother you really don't have so as not to upset your mother-in-law and lose her good opinion.

If she really is a good woman, she will understand and support you when you explain why you are making the choices you are. But it sounds as though you may have gone from one unhealthy dynamic to another, possibly subconsciously using the idea of getting and maintaining your mother-in-law's approval as a substitute for what you were never able to get from your own mother. I wonder if some counselling might help when all this has calmed down a little.

Thank you all for your insights and opinions on this, and for those that get it, I really appreciate your supportive words too. Sounds like counselling needs to be on the cards soon!

I'm bowing out of the thread now as I can't keep answering the same questions from people who either haven't RTFT or are continuously misunderstanding what I've said.

My Ex died last year. We divorced 40 years ago because of his mental & physical abuse to me.
I’ve always had a very close loving relationship with both our DC so couldn’t imagine not being there for both of them when he died. I was extremely proud of how they sorted everything out, organising funeral etc. despite them both having a very complicated relationship with him. I offered to help them in any way I could and attended his funeral - not for him but to support my DC.
I would expect though that if you have never had a close relationship with your DM then it’s not likely to happen now, which is very sad.
Sending my condolences & love to you x

This sounds similar to my mum. When my dad was dying she stuck around for about an hour then wanted taking home which I did then I went back to the home he was in and basically watched him die alone. ( I have a husband and child who would have come but that didn’t seem fair). When I left her she said she didn’t want to be receiving a call in the middle of the night to say he’d died - err ok I’ll just take the call then. She could not or would not comprehend that I may be sad or need support. She was also furious with me when in hospital the doctors talked about a dnr as I was a bit upsetie started to cry but very quickly got a grip telling the doctor that “she doesn’t understand “. Understand what ?

so I do empathise with the up, it’s odd not to support your child though their grief.

oh my parents weren’t divorced either!