Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

Oh you poor thing, this sounds awful for you.
I would literally go home in this scenario. Obviously give her the means to get home herself so she isn't stranded, but it's a waste of your time and money and it sounds like you are not going to talk her round, nor will she take responsibility for her actions.
The alternative is to literally do the things you want to do when you want to do them and leave her to make the best of wherever you are. See her in the evenings or for breakfast.

Well nothing you are doing is helping her to be happy, so do what will make YOU happy, whether that's go home or do your own thing or whatever.
She's 22 so an adult now. I know the dynamic for her will be that she doesn't feel adult enough in your presence, but that's for her to work on.
I hope you can enjoy either the holiday or going home, without feeling guilty. 💐

As you've already paid for the accommodation and travel, I'd do my own thing. You could tell her your plans for the day and she can choose to join in or do something different.

Is this why her previous travels failed and she had to come home? And why none of her friends wanted to go with her?

That sounds absolutely awful. I really feel for you. Is she often like this? It’s quite extreme behaviour. Is there a chance she is going through some sort of mental health issue?
I think I’d try and arrange to do my own thing and try and make the most of it. I’d tell her what I was doing and invite her but on the condition that she stops being rude. I’m not sure that’s practically though.
I’ve no answers but loads and loads of sympathy.

Sounds like a typical 22yr old to be honest, mine spends most the time sulking, getting pissy, laying around on the iphone etc. It’s not pleasant, i would just let her get on with it and go on holiday with someone else or on your own next time.

If I were you, I would tell her your plans for the following day on the night before, what time you were having breakfast and what time you were leaving. Tell her she is welcome to join you if she wants to, or to stay behind by herself if she prefers. Then stick to your plans!

That sounds dreadful. Lets be honest, probably why she fell out with her last travelling companions, she's selfish!

I agree with others saying do what makes you happy. Do you have any options to cut the trip short (if you are not enjoying it/can't make the best of it)?

She's being quite the brat. I have kids that age too, so I wouldn't take it personally or get into a fight about it (since you already tried that and it didnt help). But I'd make a mental note to never travel with her again.

I'd do my own thing entirely ie tell her what you've planned for the day, say she's welcome but she has to come with a pleasant attitude, and then go and enjoy yourself. And try to spend as little time with her as possible, and otherwise be relentlessly cheerful.

I'm guessing that she behaved like this with her friends too, that's why none of them wanted to travel with her.

She'll figure it out. Try to enjoy yourself.

How many more days?

I think you have discovered why her friends do not want to travel with her.
If everything has been paid for I would stick around and do your own thing. I am not sure I would even bother inviting her if she is going to be so unpleasant. Hopefully you will be able to cancel the joint activities with no cost.

Sounds like she needs to reflect on why she doesn't have company her own age on this trip.

Yes all I have asked is stop being so rude. But she can’t stop being irritated by me so she can’t stop being rude. It’s a horrible vicious cycle.

I find it so hard to ignore it because it’s insanely childish to be standing there asking someone a question and get no response or a rude one and they are such silly silly things. In the shop I suggested she put what fruit she wanted into the trolley. She storms off saying I’m embarrassing her as my voice is too loud I and I can’t find her so I put all my shopping back and go back to the car. She’s not there. I text her. She comes back and is in a mood says she was doing her own shopping. I said why didn’t you just say hey mum I’m going to go grab my own bits? Like an adult communicating? She then says she can do things for herself. Ok well do them then?

I’ve spent €100 on food for our apartment she went out without breakfast and I have the lunch I made in my bag, so she’s obviously gone and bought more food today so I have a load of food wasted here.

The trip that went wrong I think they both did the same thing and both moody and unbearable, they are no longer friends because of it

Can you look at the rest of your itinerary and find things that you want to do in those locations and then go ahead and do them, let her know each time what you are planning so she can decide whether to join or not. And make sure you have enough books etc so that if you are just "in the hotel" then you're able to enjoy that planned downtime rather than feeling like you are waiting around.
Let her know this is what you are planning and that if she wants to do things with you, she's welcome to suggest things as well but that you've realised you each should make the most of your time on the trip and not be reliant on each other to want to do exactly the same things at exactly the same times.
Are you sharing a room?

I have a 22 year old and I really empathise with you OP. The only thing that would work im that scenario for my DS (who is much like your daughter) is to lose my shit, very quietly no yelling, but decisively and with a good cd hard stare. Along the lines of:

You are treating me terribly, I deserve better and I am appalled with your behaviour. Tomorrow I will be treating myself to a spa day (or equivalent) on my own. When I get back if you can commit to being pleasant, then I hope we can enjoy the rest of the break. If not, pack your bags and make your own way home using your own money. I am really disappointed and expect better from you. Yada yada.

The stick to it. She is being a petulant, cheeky mare.

We had plans today to go do something really fun. I can go do it alone (and I will) but I don’t know if she’s expecting me to go find her and encourage her to do it. I don’t know if she wants me to chase her.

We had other plans tomorrow to go exploring and that one is really important to her, and she can only do it if I drive. I could be a massive bitch and tell her I’m not going to and it would ruin it but that seems petty and horrible.

The following day we have something booked together it’s already paid for. Again I have to drive.

Then we will travel back on the weekend which I am dreading as it’s a long journey

There is no way she can get back from here without me

she Is angry with me that she didn’t have 2 years on her driving licence to drive the car and I booked a hire car anyway, so she can’t drive it

I’m glad she doesn’t now as would she have left me here?

Why can't she get public transport to these places or to the airport? She's a horrible spoilt brat TBH, I'm surprised you didn't know this about her already? I'd be leaving and doing my own thing in your shoes.

I have kids that age and it doesn't sound normal at all. Sure, moments of being irritable or uncommunicative is normal, but it doesn't sound like she has any light moments at all. Is she really not like this all the time? Is it just on this holiday? If so, I would be worried something terrible has happened to her before you left.

Drop the rope OP. Proceed with the plans, tell her what you are doing / when you are leaving but don't wait for her to respond. Just keep her informed and get on with a solo holiday, unless she specifically asks to join you. But stay clear about what's happening "yes of course you can come but I am definitely leaving at 10, otherwise it will be too late"

If she says anything like 'OMG your voice is so loud , can you stop being annoying!' don't engage, just say 'sure' or 'sorry you feel like that' or something similar in a neutral tone and get on with what you were doing.

If she starts ranting and raving and demands a response from you, perhaps ask politely "what do you actually expect me to do, because I can't work it out, so obviously I am just going to get on with what we planned."

No we have gone out to somewhere really rural. It was a very long trip here both by car and bus

Oh god that sounds unbearable.
It also sounds like you have done your best to salvage the situation but she's determined to not let you.

I think in your situation I'd be saying your behaviour is intolerable, I've tried but nothing has made a difference. Since I irritate you so much I will just say nothing more and carry on trying to make the best of the trip. Let me know if you decide the same, I'll write the itinerary down so you can join or not, otherwise you can sit in a room sulking or get an early flight home. That's all.

I suspect she really wanted to do the trip but is hurt and fed up that she can't do it with friends rather than her mum but that's hardly your fault!

You might as well (a) enjoy what you can of the trip and (b) let her know you're not a doormat. She may find you irritating but her behaviour is a million times more irritating and hurtful and she should know that you think so!

It sounds like she is punishing the op for her having to go on holiday with her mum rather than her friends except that’s bonkers as it’s not ops fault. I suppose we are most horrible to the ones we feel safest with.

but that doesn’t make it right especially at 22. But the comment that she can’t get home. Well she can, what would happen if you became incapacitated op and couldn’t drive then she’d have to take charge.

Just do what you want. Let her know your plans but don’t invite her along.

My DC and 22 and 24 and wouldn’t behave like this. I’d do what you planned and say ‘if you want to come, be at the car at X time, if not I’ll see you later’ (give 5 mins grace and then go,).

I find long days of sightseeing (especially with someone I’m not used to spending lots of time engaging with) very draining mentally and physically.
I would suggest as a compromise you have a late ish brunch together, do a few hrs sight seeing then home for a rest before going out for dinner together.
Sounds like she’s probably addicted to her phone and would have preferred a lazing around a pool type holiday rather than a busy sightseeing trip.

I’m with @estrogone . I think you now know what happened on her previous holiday and why none of her friends are prepared to make an effort for her. It’s sad to realise your child isn’t likeable.

Honestly, start doing your own thing. Create some memories of your own. Being a doormat to her will not get you anything.