Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

It sounds like you’ve fallen back into the parent and child dynamic (eg you “telling her off”) and she has regressed to small child behavior. Draw your boundaries, stay calm and hold the line.

Why dont you both do your own thing until the end of the holiday. She's just pissed off generally, isn't she..She hasnt found her feet yet and has some growing up to do and is taking it out on you. Best not to do stuff together again until she has matured...maybe in her 30s or something when she has stopped being an ungrateful twit.

Blimey. I can not imagine talking to my mum like this. No wonder she can’t even do a holiday with her mates- she is horrible!

This isn’t normal at all. Good for you for standing up for yourself

Exactly this.

Omg she is a piece of work. I would I either carry on without her or leave her there and come home.

At 22 she should have outgrown this immature behaviour.What a wee ingrate you have here, op.
Leave her be and go do your own thing.

My thoughts as well.

My DN was exactly like this. Incredibly incredibly frustrating but the only means of communication when she was in autistic meltdown (and this sounds much more autistic meltdown than being spoilt) was to be very patient and calm and non emotional. Travel is incredibly stressful. But telling them they were rude, or needed to snap out of it etc. just didn’t work. Made it all worse.

Doesn’t sound like it’s helping here either.

Often our children need our love the most, when they least deserve it. Even young adult children. You bite your tongue for her for now. The time for conversation is when you’re back home. And don’t go on holiday again. Although the DN has vastly improved with age.

That sounds likely.

Oh god, how disappointing/frustrating.

What’s your dd like at home? What’s your relationship like? Did this come entirely out of the blue?

she sounds irrational, stroppy, immature, unfair and downright bitchy. Is she really 12? Her behaviour has been awful. I’d find this really hard to get over.

Don’t take her to the activity she wants to do; it’s gone past that. Do your own thing until you go home.

Best of luck.

i don’t think that is in any way normal behaviour and she is being a brat. I spent two weeks in Italy last year with 22yo DD, we have just had five days in Paris together before DH joined us for a two week French holiday and we were respectful and considerate of each other. Both of us wanted to do some things that the other wasn’t that into but we went along with it. We discussed meals in the morning - what we fancied eating and where. We shared rooms but would usually have a chill few hours in the afternoon doing our own thing (her on her phone, me reading) most days. I would leave your DD to her moods, it’s no wonder she has nobody to holiday with her, and make the most of the trip by yourself.

I wonder if she’s wishing she was on holiday with someone else? Has she recently had a breakup?

An adult woman shouldn’t be behaving like this!

mine was a little bit childish and hormonal aged 20 but is a mature young adult now and is great company.

but I also wonder if she is neurodivergent and so much change is problematic, causing stress.

agree with ..

’I’m doing x tomorrow and if you’d like to join me I’ll be at the car 11am. 5 minutes grace, then drive. No chasing.

Im eating out at x tonight, if you’d like to join me meet me in the lobby at 6pm

’im driving to the next hotel tomorrow. If you’d like a lift meet me at 10am with your suitcase. I’ll be leaving promptly. Allow 5 minute Grace.

Also just food shop alone for your own food. At least it saves you cash and shes more then capable of sourcing food.

personally I’d aim to enjoy the holiday and give her lots of space and little attention. Stop trying to resolve, just tell her a couple of times that you’re here if she wants to talk but you're going to fully enjoy your break whatever mood shes in.

I’m sorry op. Sounds like a nightmare trip. She sounds very immature and If she behaved like that with her friends then you can understand why they won’t travel with her. I would suggest you do what you want to do and enjoy the time on your own. Has she always behaved like this?

I need half an hour of peace and quiet in the morning. So does DD.

I will give her that and she will come to me for a hug at some point. Then we can chat and have fun. My dad used to sing at me while my mother laughed and told me to stop being silly. Ruined the whole day.

You can be right or you can be effective but not always both. OP read the riot act as advised by everyone and it didn't work. Possibly right, although I'd love to chat to the DD. Not effective.

Just a quick thought, she hasn't started any new medication, supplement or hormone treatment has she? I went like this when I first started the contraceptive pill. It turned me into an angry lunatic and I kept having outbursts about nothing. I fell out irrevocably with a friend because of it. (I didn't realise that was what had caused it until I took the pill again after a break of a couple of years, and even then I had quite a number of embarrassing meltdowns before I twigged that was what was going on)

Also, I’d be with her in avoiding late nights, they are not everyones cup of tea

At 22 she should have grown out of this nonsense it’s embarrassing for her. Tell her what you are going to be doing, what time you are doing it and that she’s welcome to join you and if she doesn’t join you then leave. Is she like this normally?

I would decide what you want to do (without her) with the rest of your time, whether that is book other accommodation or go home, then I'd tell her your joint holiday is over and if she'd like a lift to the airport or somewhere she should work out where in the next 12/24/whatever hours because you will be heading off yourself at Y time. Then leave her to get on. She's an adult making her own choices in a sea of good options. Leave her to it.

I wouldn't try and discuss the holiday or her behaviour with her anymore than that. Maybe you'll be able to in a few years, but she has a lot of growing up to do. Since she's had these sorts of problems before, it might be down to what nowadays gets called a personality disorder, but if it is that it's not something you can do anything about. She'll need to see that she is the problem and needs help for herself.

Sorry. It sounds awful. She’s behaving like a child. There was a very helpful post on a thread once about looking at interactions from who is playing which role out of child, adult or parent. It might be useful to look at what’s happening from that perspective. She behaves as a child, and casts you as parent role ( embarrassing/ nagging). You don’t want that role obviously. You want adult to adult interactions. Would it be possible for you to refuse the parent role and just act adult. Pretend to yourself that this isn’t your daughter if needs be. Be curious and sympathetic about what she might be upset about, but at the same time if she’s not prepared to confide in you, as another adult might, then you need to shrug your shoulders and get on with your day as best you can. Allow her the autonomy to fuck up her own holiday.

Honestly you sound a nightmare as well. All this chasing her. Telling her to sit with you. Texting her. Leave her alone!!
Do not contact her at all. You go and do whatever it is you had planned to do. If she wants to come then let her ask you if she can come. Don’t go chasing her. Leave her to come to you and if she doesn’t oh well. Be pleasant. Say morning and then leave it. Don’t try and force conversation. Eat the food you bought. It’s not going to go to waste. Food lasts more than a few days

The clue is in your second paragraph; they fell out. This is not the first thread I’ve read about adult daughters behaving appallingly to their parent, usually mother. How on earth have they grown up so spoilt!

I can understand you both tbh.

I get cabin fever and get a bit moody after spending a few days in my parents house and i am 45… It used to be worse when i was younger. My mom is nice but she is constantly problem solving and trying to think for me and i still haven’t found a reasonable explanation why it irritates me, a lot. I think i just want an adult relationship with her, not a mother/child one. I always end up feeling a bit like a child and it brings up remnants of the teenage rage in me. It’s illogical, i know she means well but it annoys me.

So with your daughter being 22, i can relate to her. She feels like a child (more so than when travelling with a friend) and that feeling irritates her.

I can understand you too, you’ve done nothing wrong. Of course she is still immature.

I would say, let go of expectations, maybe tell her you plan to do xyz in the city, she is welcome to come or do her own thing if she’d do that instead. Would she react better if she was in charge of planning some of the activities? If not, give her space. Does she have some spending money to go and e.g. browse in shops whilst you do your thing for a few hours?

I wouldnt leave her there and go home. The danger is, she will see it as you dumping her and it will sour things in the future.

I think it’s a phase. Dont take it personal and assume you are holidaying with a moody teen rather than a friend. Cause you are. She’ll get better with time (fingers crossed).

Oh good Lord!!! Is she 22 or 12? Even for a 12 year old I would have had enough.
I guess there must be a history of you putting up with behaviour like this because it sounds very child like and attention seeking.
My youngest is 19, and couldn’t imagine putting up with such crap. She is an adult. I would be off doing things on your own, or telling her you are going home tomorrow but there is absolutely NO WAY I would be giving her any more chances to mend her ways.
Start dealing with her and her tantrums in an adult manner and stop facilitating her. She’ll never learn otherwise.

In complete fairness, we are only getting one side of the story and I am unsure if you are self-reflective about your own behavior. I only say this because I know many people who do make things worse with their adult children by pushing and pestering and talking too much or just being overly needy.

My read is that she needs space that she doesn't feel you are naturally giving her. I understand that this is a trip and that this makes it difficult. It sounds like she needs more downtime than you do.

She does sound immature to be behaving this way. I see some of this in my teenager when we travel, but she will then say, I need some alone time, and I give it. She usually bounces back after an hour. Being together 24/7 day after day in a hotel room, walking around...that's a lot. Some people are more introverted and just need some quiet.

But again, at her age, you shouldn't have to tiptoe around her moods and she should absolutely learn to communicate more maturely with you. At this point, I would keep conversation with her to a minimum and do your own thing. It is a shame, but if she is determined to be miserable, then trying to convince her otherwise will likely only backfire.

I wouldn't take another trip with her after this. If you do, maybe more of a beach trip, where you can sit quietly reading/texting/etc. Sightseeing trips can be...a lot.