Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I was about to say exactly that. I’ve just had a holiday with my 19yo and almost (next week) 22yo. They were great. Mostly did stuff together. No grumps. A happy holiday.

As others have said, read her the riot act - either she gets on board and joins the holiday or she doesn’t. In which case OP should do whatever she can to enjoy the remaining days. The DD sounds like a most unpleasant spoiled and entitled brat (of tween age).

Why is she going to bed at 6 or 7pm? This is very odd from a 22 year old.

She sounds like a complete pain in the arse to be honest. I would stop trying to be nice and chasing her up. Tell her what your plans are for tomorrow and what time you are heading out if she wants to come with you. If she doesn't respond or is not ready in time just go without her. She knows she can treat you like dirt and you will still come after her. Give her a shock, let her see you can't treat people (even your loving mum) this way and still have them want to spend time with you.

She sounds rude. If this wasn’t her first time ruining a holiday I would worry that it’s out of character and that maybe something is wrong

Whoever said it’s her age, absolutely not! All of mine managed to get past 22 without being selfish and rude.

Stop chasing her. Do your own thing, do activities as planned, by yourself if necessary. Leave it to her to initiate any conversation with you of any kind. If she does not initiate conversation regarding the shared activity, just leave without her. She is an adult, treat her like one. Actions have consequences.

@Holidaymiserymum She's being abusive to you OP. She's a self absorbed and nasty human being. I'm surprised she's got any friends. Personally I'd leave and go home. I find it a hard to believe she'd be utterly stranded. At 22 I made my way solo across Europe with hardly any money and long before mobile phones. Are you on some remote island or something? Get the car packed and tell her you're going with or without her. You shouldn't be treated like this by anyone.

Focus on yourself. Do what makes you happy. Show her that you can enjoy yourself without her. She’s calling all the shots with that behaviour, she has all the power and you need to reset the dynamic.
its not acceptable to behave like that as an adult in any situation.

I’m on holiday with my DS and DD atm; they’re in their early twenties, I’m paying for the holiday. If they gave me attitude like that I would lose my shit and do my own thing. They’re not and I don’t think they ever would, thankfully.

As you have activities booked and paid for, calmly remind her what they are, tell her that you will be going to them and ask if she is going to join you. If she says no or doesn’t appear at the stated time, then go without her and make the most of it. She sounds like a spoilt brat. I have a son the same age, I can’t imagine him behaving this way at all.

No wonder her mates all fell out!! OP is so your own thing and leave her to be sulky, I had a similar thing with my 22 year old DS and just left him alone, he eventually caved and came out for dinners with me and we had a nice time.

If you lay down on the floor, people will wipe their feet on you.

You are being a doormat, OP. I know why - Dsis was like this. She could ruin anything - days out, holidays, birthdays - and every single time dm would be wringing her hands and do anything to placate dsis. I can tell you it gets no better and dsis was still in huffs and haranguing dm when dm was on her death bed. And dm still worrying that dsis was upset and what had she done to annoy her.

Have you tried sitting down with her and talking to her about everything op? I agree this isn’t normal for a 22 year old, how is her mental health? Hormones, pmdd? Is she always like this at home as well or is this behaviour new?

I’m wondering about her physical health too, why does she need to rest and sleep so much during the day? Is she sleeping at night? Or maybe it’s a sign of depression?

So many responses saying what a horrible brat she’s being and you should leave her, my own first thoughts were that something is potentially very wrong and to try and talk to her about it, is this a kind of cry for help?

She sounds like a right selfish spoilt brat - no wonder she has no friends and no one wants to go on holiday with her. Sorry OP - i would leave if i were you - but easier said than done, shes your daughter.

This sounds just dreadful. I'm sorry as this must be very disappointing. I would go home but I am one who pretty easily bites off my own nose to spite my face. The mature thing to do would be make your own plans and go it alone. I wouldn't even tell her what I was going to do or when I was eating, etc. I would leave her completely on her own except when I lay my head down to sleep. She's a brat.

We do yearly holidays with adult dc and have never had this but mine would know I would soon lose my rag and read them the riot act. Your dd needs some home truths, she is being a complete brat.
If you don't feel you want to tear a strip off her then cut her loose. Tell her your plans and tell her if she wants to go with you then she needs to be at the car in time. If she isn't then go ahead without her.
When you get home make sure she knows that she spoiled the holiday and you will never be doing it again and make sure you stick to it.

If possible, suggest a day off - each on your own. An intentional reset might help.

For the pre-paid activities, suggest a time to leave for them, either she goes with you or not.

Sounds to me that this holiday weren't the best choice, too complicated, requiring lots of good will from everyone to work and being nearly full time mates.
It doesn't mean you can't ever do anything together, just that you will want something shorter/cheaper/better suited for spending time both together and separately.

She sounds like an absolute brat.

This is why she fell out with her friends and had to return early from her travels and nobody wants to go travelling with her....

Tell her you plan to leave all your worldly goods to the Cat's Home - following her bad behaviour.

This is precisely why I will not holiday with my daughter same age! We have exactly the same dynamic.

If I say something positive or express interest in something, she acts moody and sulky. Then I would say, Please don’t speak to me like that. Then we would fall out. If I set boundaries, she is even worse so it is best not to even try to go away. She has spoilt so many days out and nice occasions with behaviour like this taking the shine off everything. Sounds like your dd with the anger and moodiness and falling out with friends. (My dc does have diagnosed conditions.)

The thing she wants to do tomorrow-can you take her, leave her & pick her up?

Or travel together, do it separately & travel back together?

She sounds awful & I be spending as little time as possible with her & putting music on & tuning her out for the journey home.

How do people get so rude & what do they think it will achieve?

For all those saying she must be autistic so it's to expected - it really isn't. My 20yo DS is autistic and I recently went on holiday with him and it was the best holiday I've ever had, it was a joy to travel with him!

Op, your daughter is treating you very badly, especially given the cost of the holiday, and like others have said, it's not surprising that her friends don't want to travel with her. I'd be reading her the riot act about her behavior.

I only say this in case it's helpful because I am aware it is projection!

My mum and I had a terrible relationship at that age as well. At the time the script was that I was moody, unpleasant, mean and horrible. I have an excellent relationship with my DC and I now see the difference.

My mum was always right, wanted me to do as she said while I had a permanent smile on my face. She minimised me, wittered on endlessly but wasn't interested in my needs at all. She was loud and embarrassing in public and never stopped talking. Constant talking.

If I had been in this situation with my mum at this age, what I would have wanted at this point... Simple text with "I'm leaving for X activity at X time. If you're coming, let me know." And just be still and quiet.

Now all this may be nonsense, but I wonder if you are curious about her moods. The thread is all 'spoiled' and 'brat' and 'madam' but you raised her.

So she may be autistic - so what? Does that give someone carte blanche to be rude and hurtful? So OP should be “accepting” as “this is me!” Grrrrr.

Sympathy for you, the least worst option seems to be doing things on your own.

And make it the last such holiday, and stick to this 100%. The person who said about their DSis and it never changing summed it up well.

The early bedtime seems unusual though.

Who paid for the holiday? If she did, there is still no excuse for her behaviour like this. If you did, you should go home, cancel the rest of the holiday, cut your losses and tell her to apologise to you and that you won't be speaking to her and she is not welcome in your house until she apologises. Fuck that shit. It looks like she is not suited for holidays anyway - you said she fell out with her holidaying friends once - and no wonder if she behaves like that. Fuck that.

I'm confused - she angry with you that she hasn't been driving for more than 2 years? This sounds like the kind of thing my 5yo says when he's having a meltdown (not about driving, obviously 😂)