Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I’d sit her down and say you are not willing to continue the holiday as it is . Would she prefer we cut our losses and go home or continue but mostly do activities separately.
Gauge what she’s feeling and then decide what you want to do as well

Is tuis out of the blue? Having regularly holidayed with my dc and been aroubd them i know what to expect.

This...

She's an out and out bully! She's in a bad temper about her holiday and is using you like a punching bag.

I don't think it would have made a difference in the shop. She's determined to argue.. "You're talking too loud." "speak up I can't hear you." it would have happened either way.

If I was in your shoes I would stick to your plans... text her to say when you are leaving, invite her to join... and then text again 15 minutes before you get in the car, and go on the trip Up to her what she does. Forget grocery shopping. Eat out and let her fend for herself if she cannot be arsed to join.

It's not great, but I bet you she will sulk the first day, realise she's cutting off her nose to spite her face then join you on the others. I'd also walk off the minute she starts up and say. I'm not putting up with this. I will meet you at the car at 5 o'clock or find your own way home.

Also, It might be less distressing for you, if you completely lower your expectations, don't think about the waste of a holiday. Think about getting through it, still managing to do some nice things and not have Violet Elizabeth setting the tone and putting the kybosh on any outings. You didn't come here to sit in the hotel room. She's just punishing you and herself.
Stop worrying about whether she's enjoying her self or not. You cannot fix this for her. You've been very kind and obliging. If she wants to kick off - let her. Walk away ( having made sure you both have keys and phones and text half an hour before you are driving off) Be determined to get the most of out the trip as a solo person.

She's not behaving anything remotely resembling an adult so its very hard to treat her like one, but I'd cut all unnecessary conversational attempts or asking if she's had enough to eat etc. ... not to sit in angry silence, but just play a bit of a waiting game... wait for her to initiate talk. Don't ask anymore if she'd like to do this or that... just say, as we planned I'm doing xyz tomorrow, you are welcome to join. Or text it if she's being petty and ignoring you. If she wants to do something else let her articulate it.

And when you get home, in a safe environment. I'd coldly and calmly give her a right piece of my mind. Dont chase after her post holiday. Let her come to you.

I hope you get through this and still manage to have some nice days out. It's not fair but the days will pass quickly x

I did read her the riot act this has gone down even worse.

She walked back without telling me

came back to sit across the other side of the area and refused to come sit with me when I asked

she then left again and walked off without telling me

I was expecting her to come over at some point - I had invited her

she then disappears

I go back to the apartment and text her - she’s having a great time apparently

says she wants to make up

so I ask her to come to the shared planned activity and wait an hour

she says she’s too far away and can’t come

I lose my shit and tell her the rest of her activities she wants me to drive her to are off the table this week

she keeps saying she wants to sort things out

gaslighting me that I’m the issue

I go back to the apartment again and she comes back goes upstairs ignores me

She sounds like a 13 year old not a 22 year old.
tell her she’s an ungrateful child and it’s no wonder noone else wanted to go on holiday with her and that you won’t bother in future either.
do what you want to do for the rest of the holiday. She’s made her bed she can lie in it

This is all really quite odd. Do you get on ok at home? Does she live with you?

What’s causing all of this? I don’t really understand. Is it like this normally?

she keeps saying she wants to sort things out

I'd say great, go ahead and sort it out then, I'm looking forward to that. (Though I'd still be going to the activities I had booked and paid for whether she comes or not).

She needs to realise you won't pander to her and if she is going to be difficult then she is the one who will lose out the most. Not least because this is surely the last time you'll fund and accompany her on a holiday of her own choosing!

As @Ohcrap082024 asked, is this normal behavior for her at home? My DD is 21 and I don't know anyone in that age group who behaves so childishly, it's young teen (13-15) behavior.

Honestly, I'd just get on with doing your own thing and leave her to her moods. As others have said, perhaps this is why she fell out with her friends on previous holidays. She needs to learn that this behavior doesn't wash.

OP, if my DSs 26 and 18 behaved like this they would be getting themselves home. I have taken over 15 student field trips abroad. All groups were told that if their behaviour brought the university into disrepute the staff members’ duty of care to them extends to making sure they know the nearest point of public transport which was usually a bus or underground stop about 100 m from the hostel. Ok, she hasn’t drunkenly smashed up the room, but her behaviour towards you is wholly unacceptable and unless she gets some consequences she is likely to carry on like this into proper adulthood.

Tell her to knock it off now or she can get herself home.

No surprise she hasn't friends to go on holiday with.

I love my children dearly but there is no way I would accept a fraction of that behaviour.

Increasingly on MN I am reading the most shocking selfish behaviour from men and women towards those they are close to.

I believe accepting behaviour like this only increases it.

I wouldn't want to be near her, and she would know it.

@Holidaymiserymum
Sorry this is happening, it must be really upsetting.

It's weird that she keeps texting she just wants to sort things out and then ignores you in person.

This really is just bullying and contrariness.

What a waste of a trip.

I think you should just please yourself from now on until its time to go home.

Honestly OP I’d be cutting my loses at this point and changing my flight home. Tell her you are leaving at x time if she isn’t there you go without her. If she can’t behave like a sensible human then she doesn’t get treated like one. Or go grey rock for the rest of the holiday and pretend you’re there alone if you can enjoy it.

"tell her the rest of her activities she wants me to drive her to are off the table this week"

Well, there's your boundary drawn, it's best to stick with it.

It'll be a valuable teaching moment for her.

I generally get on well with my 21 year old, but she has days when she's really petulant and snappy with me. I get blamed for every tiny thing and can do nothing right. But thankfully these are not 'high stakes' days, like a holiday. I cut down communication with her, only ask essential questions and wait for the storm to pass. Usually it's just a day, occasionally two. Then she'll talk about it, laugh at herself and apologise.

We've worked out it's mostly related to her cycle, so a few days before her period. It's also much worse if she's hungry. Could it be period-related with your daughter?

It's also a difficult age as you likely don't have independent lives yet You're not just two friends on holiday, but still very much mother and daughter, with all the baggage that brings.

I don't know what the answer is, but good luck! 🌻

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So if you tell her that you are both leaving early, she has no choice but to go with you, does she?
When you get home, and don't have to quite so worried about what she will do next, you can think about what happens next. Do you thin there is an underlying mental health issue that needs help, or is more likely that she is taking her disappointments out on you?

At this point I would pack up my shit and drive home alone.

Not sure why you are messaging her and engaging with her like this OP - asking her to sti with you etc. Surely better not to make requests that she can then ignore. Just tell her what you are doing, set out your terms for participation (being punctual, not slagging you off, whatever you choose), and stick to them. The ball is in her court then. Don't tell her what you want her to do, as she can then pick a fight with that.

I’m also wondering whether this is completely out of character or normal behaviour? Who has paid for this holiday?

I’d stop texting and inviting her to do things and either carry on by yourself or go home. I wouldn’t rise to the childish walking off and not telling you where she is. Tell her what you’re doing and say she can look after herself. I think you need to grey rock at this point and maybe try and deal with your relationship and her behaviour towards you when you’re both back home.

Jeez, what a brat! Is she really 22? You know her, was this attitude foreseeable? Either way, don’t go on holiday with her again! I’d be doing my own thing and enjoying myself without her. Stop pandering to a grown woman!

Gosh what a nightmare trip. Sorry she's being like this and ruining it for you.

I wouldn't bother doing any more of reading the riot act, you have told her the consequences just follow through - do the trips you want, when you want to do them, and ignore her. Although I probably couldn't resist a frosty observation that she was behaving like a child and being very ungrateful for the trip.

Tbh she sounds a lot like my 9yo. I would deal with it the same way I do with him! Calm, boring, repeating of phrases like "that's not an acceptable way to talk to me" or "I'm happy to talk when you're ready to speak respectfully".

I would do my own thing. And if she lives with you, when you get home I'd be telling her to move out.

This is really odd, are you both 5?

Leave her to it and do what you want now.

God she does sounds pretty awful! Is there anything nice about her?!

Fucking hell. Cut your losses, ditch the trip, never travel with her again.