Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

I’d lose my shit as suggested by @estrogone and say unless you start treating me with some level of respect and courtesy starting from now I will not be driving you to x tomorrow or to y the day afterwards. I’ll go myself and you can stay here.

I don’t think that would be at all petty. She sounds like she’s being an absolute bully towards you and probably the best thing you can do for her is to stand up for yourself and show her that treating people like this has consequences.

I have similar aged children- I don’t think this is usual behaviour, of course they get irritated or grumpy at times (as we all do) but not close to this extent and they apologise if they have been rude etc.

I think you should do your own thing. Don’t ask her if you are annoying her - she is annoying you. She may well be annoyed as online she’s seeing other people her age holidaying with friends and she’s with her mum but if so, you can’t do anything about that and one day she’ll
probably look back and wish she’d made more of that time she had with you.

Go through your itinerary by yourself and think about what works best for you essentially as a solo traveller; tell her what you’ll be doing and when she can join you if she wants then focus on yourself.

I know typically on these sorts of threads someone will come along and suggest autism but I’m going to be that person- as someone with autism myself and a son with severe autism, I can recognise traits of it in what you’ve written about your dd. The rigid thinking, the inability to communicate properly, the falling out with friends when things haven’t gone to plan, the needing to completely shut down socially and mentally very early in the day etc. I know that doesn’t really help you when you’re in this situation now but it’s definitely waving autism flags to me.

Travel is an absolute privilege. It costs huge amounts of money and sacrifice in terms of planning, budgeting, and is something that so many people never have the chance and the joy to experience. It would be crazy to waste this even if your daughter seems to think she can piss on all of it. Seperate, and spend your days making the most of things and enjoying yourself. If she sulks again, point out that you thought shed be happy being relieved of your presence since it seems to irritate and annoy her so much. Indulge, walk, soak everything up. If she wants to be a misery guts leave her to it, dont let her spoil things for you. Thats the immediate fix - what you do long term about the larger problem of just how much of a spoilt slef centred brag and pain in the ass your sullen, ungrateful daughter is, is a bigger problem that I dont have the answer to. I would certainly never travel with her again. . . no wonder none of her friends want to.

Totally agree with this. I was married at 22, she’s acting like she’s 14.
I would lay the law down. She either starts treating you with some respect or she can go home on her own. Stop following her around, get harsh with her!

You need to stop trying to get her to like you. She doesn't like you. Maybe she doesn't like anybody. It's an awful situation for you, but she sounds pretty horrible. Neither of my children have ever behaved like this with me, they're both mid 20s, and we had the odd argument or snipe - but day to day they were at least civil when we lived together and we get along great now they're out on their own. Did you spoil her rotten when she was growing up, or was she always so rude?

Anyway, you can't make her kind, nice or pleasant to be around, so just be polite and stop chasing her around, try to enjoy your holiday as much as you can.

Absolutely not and this type of attitude excuses bad behaviour.

Does she live with you? I have a 20 year old and got small bouts of moods ect in holiday. But mostly my dd was ok and she has form for having a terrible temper: we had a good time though I was very apprehensive of travelling with her. I am sorry you are going though this.
Do you think she has any undiagnosed mental health or behavioural issues?

@Holidaymiserymum honestly, I think you need a version of this.
She sounds like a real brat and pandering to her isn't helping.
She wouldn't be having a holiday at all if it wasn't for you and you certainly shouldn't have to tolerate this disrespectful behaviour under any circumstances.
Retrieve what you can of the holiday for yourself and be very clear that you arent putting up with any more of her horrible attitude.
And if she continues this behaviour but you feel there is no choice but to travel back together, make her sit in the back, put your choice of music on and only engage in essential conversation.
Two can play at her game! She needs the mirror held up.

Cancel the plans then, drive to the nearest town to the airport and then separate. She can take a bus or taxi from there.

id do the things. I’d text her I am going to the planned activities, I’ll be planning my own food. For the ones Im driving for, please let me know at least an hour beforehand if you’re coming and be there by 10 minutes before we have to leave. I’ll be setting out at 9am Thursday and 10:30 on Friday, I won’t be waiting, and I won’t come back if you’ve changed your mind or running late. Just think of me as the tour bus, obviously they are going to leave on time.

I am so not surprised she and the other girl are no longer friends and expect her to be no longer friends with many more people over the next few years if she does not get a fucking grip. I’d just maintain a cool distance for the rest of the trip. You can’t fix her, no point trying, it’s up to her. Mum can we talk? ‘ I think that should all wait until we get home, talking hasn’t worked at all so far and I don’t want my holiday any more spoilt.’

I can't believe someone up thread said that this sounds like normal 22-year old behaviour.

I was thinking it's more like 13-year old behaviour but if it's actually true then parental standards must really have hit the fucking floor over the past few years.

Sounds like a typical 22yr old to be honest, mine spends most the time sulking, getting pissy, laying around on the iphone etc.
It really doesn't!
Ds tried this behaviour on holiday when he was 15 and ge was told to put his bloody face straight, stop acting like the world owes you and grow the bell up and if he didnt like it id book him a flight home there and then so we both could be happy. He soon changed his tune.
Lots of my friends go on holiday with their DD the same age and have a lovely time.

Dd needs the hard word. How dare she say you need to take a hint to not talk.

honestly OP I'd just try and make the best of it - enjoy your days and eat whatever you want.
Let her know your plans for each day - maybe by text and let her know when you're leaving to travel home.

But don't give this juvenile behaviour any airtime. She's 22 not 16 - no wonder no one else would travel with her.....

I think she’s addicted to her phone and SM and prefers that to hols in foreign places

If you can't talk to her/she won't listen, then you need to send her a message setting out some clear ground rules for the rest of your stay, including her treating you with respect and consideration when you are the one driving and paying for everything. That way, she can't claim she didn't know how you felt/what you expected of her. Also, she's 22, old enough to just have work it out for herself if she won't cooperate with you and your schedule and gets left behind.

If there is no public transport could you drive her to an airport or railway station and leave her there?

My eldest is 23, autistic, and I’d never go on holiday with her for all the reasons you highlighted - she agrees! I’ve been away with my youngest, 18, a few times and it’s generally fun but not the eldest.

We went for a meal Monday, town near us, eldest chose the restaurant, she refused to speak in the Uber there and while waiting for food, perked up a bit afterwards but then marched off in a huff in the shops, youngest tracked her location and we waited for an Uber home - which she then refused to get into so we left her there!

I only Ubered because I wanted a few glasses of wine with them and a relaxing mooch round the nice shops - could have bloody driven - never again!

It sounds like she likes the idea of being on holiday but not the actual reality of travelling with another person.

Let her go off. Don’t chase after her. Tell her your plans the night before and stick to them. Weather the storm, get home and don’t go on holiday with her again.

Is she tired, burned out, sick or depressed? Do you have different bio rythms.

It wasn't normal for me as a 22 year old to be in bed by 6pm. Even after travel. I am a night owl but on holiday with my best friend I know that she will crash early and I will be on my own.

My friend will know that in the mornings she will be at breakfast alone. She knows that I won't really wake up until late.

We plan our activities for times we are both awake. Even then we are different. I hate the heat and she the cold.

Maybe you are both annoying the other in different ways and compromise is needed.

When i book a holiday with my BF i take into account how the arrangements affect her daily clock.

Your daughter may not sleep well at nights on holiday. We had a visitor recently who needed an afternoon sleep as they were too hot at night.

Travel can be exhausting. It may be that your pace of travel is too much for her.

Going to bed so early is unusual. The holiday may be having an effect on her.

My mum would sort me out if I acted like this at 14 never mind 22! I'd send her home and enjoy the rest of your trip.

I think she's experiencing deep shame about the fact she's not off travelling with friends like a lot of peers her age, and that she's not yet independent enough to travel on her own. It doesn't matter what you do, your very presence is a reminder of her own perceived inadequacies - she's lashing out at you but really it's a reflection of how she feels about herself.

Don’t chase or cajole or do things for her. She is telling you she doesn’t want you to treat her as a child so don’t do the organising or talking her round. Just leave her to be a moody mare and go do your thing. If she gets mad just say she obviously wanted to be more independent so you were allowing her and you’re not her PA. Give her a dirty look like she’s being pathetic.

You can’t drive a hire car abroad under age 25 anyway.

That doesn’t sound like fun.

if it were me, I would try to make the most of it, as you can’t come home early, then draw a line under it and never go on a holiday with just the two of you again.

what ever the reason, she should not be treating you this way. Text her the times you are leaving for the activities, the times for meals etc, and ask her to let you know if she plans to join you. Then go about your business and try to enjoy your holiday.

How is her mental health? She sounds like my DD did when she was severely depressed. She has had treatment and our recent trip was much better - she still needed down time but joined in activities each day.

All you can do now is say that her behaviour is concerning and the plans for the following days are XYZ, she can join you or not.