Holiday with adult daughter has become tense and difficult

[Holidaymiserymum]

I am on holiday with my daughter who is 22.

We have not been on a joint holiday just the 2 of us before but she had no one else to come with as none of her friends have money, and really wanted to travel across some parts of Europe. She has travelled before with friends but one of these trips went wrong as they fell out and she had to come home early

The trip has been very expensive and complex with travel arrangements and before hand she did a lot of research on the main destination and I helped with most of the bookings

The first location wasn’t DD’s choice but it was just an overnight and a day, so I accepted up she was hot, tired from travel and keen to get onto the next place

She went to bed at 6pm and I went out alone in the city, which was fine but a bit of a shame I tried to make the best of it. She said she didn’t care about this place but it was beautiful.

The second day we went to a different city. We walked around and she liked it but by 7pm she was tired and wanted to lie in bed.

There wasn’t as many places to go on my own in that city and our hotel was further our, so I stayed in the hotel from 7pm to 10am the next day. I did ask if she wanted to watch anything or play a card game together she said no I needed to entertain myself. I had so many hours with not much to do, I am not one for TV shows or games but I did my best to entertain myself but I was disappointed. The next day she said she would have done something with me but I fell asleep. Yes I fell asleep at 11pm after waiting hours for her to get off her phone.

We travel to the third place, this place is really lovely and what she wanted to do, with lots of activities (rural) but she is moody, rude and snappy. I call her out and say pls don’t be snappy at me be polite, she storms off. I chase her and say let’s sort this out. She is even more rude and I tell her off and say that’s enough. She is upset by this as days I am making her feel like a child, which I understand but we try to make the best of it.

She won’t come to the shops for food, or eat the food, she won’t really commit to making plans or decisions and is just sullen and sulky.

Today we have plans, she gets up late, is moody, walking slowly, won’t chat so I ask what’s up, she said nothing. I eventually ask if I am annoying her, she said I need to take hints when I should stop talking (general chit chat). I walk off ahead to give her some space so I don’t get irritated and say something I will regret, and she turns around without telling me and buggers off for the day alone.

We have been texting since and we just can’t seem to sort it out. her endless horrible moods are causing so much tension and I am completely to blame and she’s done nothing wrong. I do try to ignore the moods but we are trapped together and she is just picking on everything I say or do. It feels like she hates me. I ask her if she just wants to go do her own thing, if so just to tell me, but she just keeps taking me round in mental circles that I am ruining her trip.

I have the hire car, if I go home and leave her she is stuck here. If I wanted a solo holiday I would have chosen one where all the activities weren’t joint ones! I am just sitting at our apartment now not sure what to do.

I can do find things to do by myself for the rest of the trip but it’s just such a shame. I’ve tried calling a peace truce but then she gets into a weird mood again and I am treading on eggshells and being inadvertently irritating (just by asking a simple question, or observing something)

What do I do?

continue in silence?
go home?
find other accommodation?
go do my own thing the whole trip?
keep trying to sort things out with her?

I am at my wits end

She will if she has to.

I identify with this as a parent of autistic people with PDA traits, very standard behaviour outside of comfort zone.

It’s worth trying some very low key activities such as nearby lunch and when things are calm, suggest a plan whereby you do your own thing for parts of the day and meet up for some shared activities but with zero pressure.

op you need to find a way to travel around alone or on trips / in groups if your daughter won’t so you haven’t wasted time and money.

get a few options together to put to her too, a clear itinerary and give her some choice but keep boundaries.

lack of routine and lots of unplanned time could be sending her into meltdown which she can’t articulate, this can happen to non autistic people too and could be why holidays with peers haven’t worked out.
the early bedtimes on holiday fits with overwhelm / meltdown.

have a read about PDA and see if any of it fits, the techniques won’t hurt regardless of diagnosis or not.

No one has said that, even those that have suggested autism. It’s just a possible explanation for her behaviour, not an excuse.

Trying to appease her will just cement her idea that she is in the right.

She sounds very immature, self-centred and a nightmare to travel with.

I'd be asking her if this is how she behaved when her friends cut the previous trip short and if so, you get why!

Being a good mum doesn't mean putting up with poor treatment to keep the peace, OP.

She's allowed you to step into a trip she wanted, spend money and drive her around and she's repaying you by acting like a moody teenager.

She's too old for this shit.

I think I'd be saying one more day of this and you're off so she needs to either get over her childish tantrum and act her age or start packing!

She sounds very immature. Is she working, studying, living away from home?

This is not normal for a 22 year old, no, and I’m sad that anyone thinks it is. I have a 22 year old. Tbf I don’t go away with him any more, because he’s got his own life, but we did a big holiday when he was 15 and he was NOTHING like this.

I don’t blame you for not getting the communication perfect, but I think you need to be crystal clear in your expectations as per the suggestions above. Stop guessing and worrying what she wants: she actually might find it easier if she just has to fall in with you or not. Make what you can of the trip.

I don’t think travel suits everyone if I’m honest. After all it was pretty rare not long ago. I meet quite a few people through work who have never left their home town and are quite happy. But the culture suggests that everyone has to do it and enjoy it. I still think she should cope and behave better than this, but it’s not compulsory to like it.

Why should anyone ever have to be ‘still and quiet’ because they annoy you?

How horrible. I get what you’re saying, that your mother didn’t treat you as your own person, but you view your mum as an irritation instead of her own person.

ASD is not a possible explanation for acting 10 years younger than you are or treating people poorly.

If the DD is ND and is overwhelmed, her Mum will know that and not because she's being a bitch!

Do your own thing.

I agree with trying to do the thing she wants to do - maybe you can give eachother some space before that. BUT if she’s rude or ungrateful in the car I would give her one warning, then turn round and tell her the trip is off. The place will still be there next year once she can drive herself.

Try as much as you can not to take this personally- it sounds to me as though you’re just not compatible on holiday and/ or she’s sad/ unhappy about not having friends to go on holiday with and she’s taking it out on you. But she does need to be reminded that this is not ok.

She's an adult. If she can't stop being rude, then agree that it isn't working, and go your separate ways.

I took DS1 on holiday just the two of us once. He barely spoke a word to me all week, except to insist we went to a wine tasting at a vineyard. He was 15! It was very hard work.

And yes if she’s fallen out with her friend on a previous holiday maybe she needs to realise that she needs to travel
alone or in the alternative think about her attitude/ lack of compromise, otherwise her holidays are going to be pretty shit!

I do lots of trips with my DC who are all single in their 20s. we have a fantastic time and really look foward to them. this is not normal behaviour OP. I am assuming she is an only child and perhaps been spoilt. its little wonder no one wants to go away with her with this sort of ridiculous behaviour. the time for sitting down and discussing this to seek a resolution is long gone. I would start looking at pleasing yourself. tell her what time you are leaving and where you are going and she either comes or she doesnt. the whole driving thing is beyond pathetic, how can this be your fault. I am assuming her behaviour has been a bit of a revelation to you as well. something to discuss when you get home but for now this is your holiday as well and I suggest you do what makes you happy.

I have children that age and honestly that behaviour is absolutely appalling and not normal.

What is the context.
Is she normally a rude, ignorant bad tempered person?
If so, then no surprise.
It is really hard to believe such dreadful behaviour had come completely out of norwhere.
Are you sure there isn't something going on that is causing this?
If being honest it is a regular occurring thing, I would be heading back.

If it was me I would tell her that I am prepared to go home as it's clear it isn't enjoyable for her.

She's too old for behaving like a toddler and I wouldn't be prepared to carry on with the holiday, giving her the message that it is somehow acceptable.

You have my sympathy.

Go and do your own thing. Let her sulk. Hope she paid her share?

what got to do with you that she hasn’t got the two years? Did she expect you to have done something else?

She wanted to go on the holiday… sounds like she needs to be doing as much paid work as possible in order to grow up. What does she do? Normally? I mean, she’s wasted her annual leave behaving like this.

Reminds me so much of similar holidays with DD at that age.

Stick to the plan for the events where she needs you drive her, I think you'll really regret it if you didn't take her and it would make things infinitely worse.

Fwiw, my DD is now 26 and completely out of this phase now. She's said of that time how she didn't really know why but she felt out of sorts and took it out on me.

My DD is autistic and sometimes change is difficult even if she wanted it, and also she gets disregulated and overwhelmed and then just spirals.

Quite. I'm aghast at the suggestions that this is normal behaviour for adults in their twenties.

This is absolutely not normal behaviour for a 22 year old. I have holidayed with both my dds at that age.

OP I think if I were you I would simply do my own thing. Text her to tell her you are leaving for XYZ in an hour and she is happy to join you and if she goes fine and if she doesn't reply fine - just go. Ditto with food. If she starts going on at you about how you are annoying tell her you aren't interested or walk away. She sounds like a particularly moody 14 year old.

Also never go on holidays with her again.

I can understand how her last trip with a friend ended with a falling out! She needs to grow up and learn that she can’t have her own way all the time. I think she’s just used you for a free holiday and is now annoyed she has to spend it with you and consider someone else’s needs. I’d have a sharp conversation with her and say that she’s acting terribly and that you’re considering leaving. Tell her how you feel because if she doesn’t realise this is not how you behave with other people, she’s going to be very lonely in life!

You are being far too nice (weak). When you’ve turned the light off tonight and both intend to sleep. Say to her in the dark.

‘Emily. Fuck this. I’ve looked at flights and there’s one for me tomorrow evening. I can’t carry on like this. You stay and do your own thing yeah? If there’s a small chance you want me to stay and actually enjoy this trip together as we intended then I’ll take a call on it at midday. I’ve set the alarm for 8am for breakfast. So you’ve got 4 hours to prove yourself, otherwise I’m gone.

No need to respond. Just have a think. Night.’’

I’m inclined to agree with this.

THIS

What a spoilt, petulant, childish, unkind to you person she is being, Is she usually like this?

Your daughter sounds obnoxious. Ignore her! Decide what do you want to do? Tell her what you are planning and she is welcome to join you but if there are any tantrums, go on your own. Alternatively tell her you will be going home and she can sort herself out.

im on hols with my ds 16 and he's acting the same...glad when friday comes and i can fuck off home....

I recognise this behaviour with my 24 year old DD. However, I know that with her it lasts about 3 or 4 days once a month and is made worse by tiredness. She hates me pointing it out (at the time) but when the PMS wears off she will acknowledge that this was the cause.

At least she is self aware enough to know that she regresses to sulky adolescence and it's made worse by being with her parents. Away from home apparantly she's much better simply because she won't expose her friends to that behaviour. I take (small) comfort in knowing that she feels safe enough with me to let her true inner bitch out.

When she's in that mood I just leave her alone. Minimal contact. I offer outings with a short time frame for accepting. Eventually she will emerge and engage again. But don't get me wrong, there was a time a few years ago when I got close to cancelling family holidays because I didn't want to take it any more. Bizzarely some of the holidays that I remember as endless eggshell walking she remembers a fun times with lots of fun activities.