Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

It seems you’re right that they prefer to help their daughters, but there’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve asked, they refused, just ask a friend instead and don’t involve them. For what it’s worth I think YANBU to be miffed, the birth of a grandchild should trump babysitting for the last two weeks of holiday.

I suppose you know what they’re like, they never offer to help with your 4 kids. Why would they help with the fourth?! They’re not interested in helping you. They want to help their daughter and the grandchildren they haven’t seen in a year. I’d back off and help them out less as you’ll be so busy with your new baby.

Or possibly MN has a more realistic view of your entitlement in having a fourth child and expecting family to muck in !!

This might be a controversial take and not nice to hear, but many parents feel differently about their daughters’ having children. It’s like their baby having a baby. So yes, it’s not fair, but it’s how it often is. I wouldn’t even try to compete with my SIL in terms of what my MIL has done for her children (which is A LOT more). Hard truth to face, but it’s just like that a lot of the time.

I am sorry you’re worried about this but I think it is really unfair for you to ask them to change their plans around your due date. Is it a scheduled section? If so that’s helpful as you can sort out your friends to help out ahead of time.

My husband and I are immigrants so we’ve never had anyone around to help with anything. We have two kids and divide and conquer. So if you can’t figure out childcare, then your husband stays home with the 3 older ones and you go to hospital. Plenty of people do this and it will be okay.

I think it was fine to ask as you seem to have that sort of mutual support relationship but equally fine for them to say no. They already promised their daughter they’d babysit for her and that’s fair enough.

Your parents in law spend ALL of EVERY winter in Australia. Their adult DC host them every year. Of course they help with the grandchildren, moving house, etc.

You initially made it sound as if the Australian daughter had especially asked her parents to come and help for six weeks. Now it turns out she's asking for a six-week extension to the usual four-month trip. It's perfectly reasonable, her parents effectively live with her half of each year.

Move somewhere sunny, have your PILs to stay four months of every year, then you'll be on equal footing.

Sounds like if they come back early to help, you are happy with that even if it’s just straight off a long haul flight.

But if they come back later, you won’t allow them to see baby as it’s, again, straight off a long haul flight.

It just sounds like you’re refusing to let them see the baby if they don’t come back early just to try punish them.

I can see why you feel hurt Op, but I expect that your PIL really want to see their other Grandchildren, as often as they can. I am guessing on balance they have more contact with your children, because of proximity.

I am sorry that you have had such a challenging time and aren't feeling supportive.

You didn’t choose your due date but you chose to try for another baby! Your husband must get more than 1 days paternity leave and can use annual leave! I think you’re being very entitled expecting them to drop everything for you!

I think that as so often this is the straw that breaks the less favoured child's back. It's not that it's so bad in itself, but it's part of a pattern that you and your DH are starting to feel you can no longer brush under the carpet.

I think your husband (not you) should say something to them like "okay, I understand but I'm disappointed. I know I don't have a right to help from you, but it feels like DSIL always takes precedence - perhaps you're not conscious of it, but I am, and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt."

In your shoes I would take your friend up on their offer to help.

Your in laws clearly value their annual trip to Australia - and they get to see both their daughters. Asking them to cut this short for a favour your friend could do is a big ask.

I think you need to accept this is a big ask, it’s unlikely to be just about childcare, your in laws get to spend a lot of time on the other side of the world - they likely also enjoy the lifestyle etc out there.

are you an only child?

It’s their daughter and they can’t just see her when they want. I think most people would try to see their children that live far away as much as possible. I honestly think ye are making something personal that isn’t

I understand you guys feeling the in laws are a bit unfair as in over the years may look like they favour one of their children above the other but I’m sure that’s not their intention.

Sadly it looks like they had already made the commitment to go to Australia whether they have purchased their flights is irrelevant. Asking them to come back early, I feel is not a reasonable ask but like I say to my children ask me anything you wish as long as you are prepared for my answer. Sounds like you both were not prepared for the answer you received. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is high risk or not unless you have a planned c section and date already booked in when you have your baby is very up in the air so best thing you can do is ask your local friends depending on the time of day and which friends can help at certain times.

sadly it is what it is but I’m sure you’ll have things that you can put into place when the time arrives.

Family can be brutal.

I asked my brother (lives 30 minute drive away) if he could let our dogs out for a wee when I was in hospital with my first and only. I explained he was only needed if our neighbour or dog walker couldn't, so he was third back-up.

He said he had a fair bit on so, "no".

I've babysat my niece and nephew so many times in the past, and he couldn't even help out by being an option.

Ps at baby number 4 people think you’ve got it all nailed- the nurses were trying to shove me out within half a day and were shocked I asked could I just stay until the morning 😅

If your in laws have two of their children on the other side of the world I can see how they would jump at the chance to be properly involved and help out where they can. They have the other 9 months of the year to be involved with your family. Do you offer them lots of other opportunities, or is it only when you really need them? Because the sort of relationship where you get priority isn't just a matter if blood, its about day to day contact and effort.
That said, I think in their shoes I'd try to compromise and come back a little early.
But for the future if I were you I'd bring them close not push them away with rules about not meeting the baby. Your baby has three older siblings. A long haul flight is no more risky than what they'll being home.

I'm assuming they see you and your family more often than they see their daughters. I wouldn't be cutting back a holiday that's already booked and paid for because you choose to have a fourth child. I also don't see why they can come visit when they are back, why do they need to wait a week or two

YANBU
Your in laws are prioritising one set of grandchildren over the other. Sadly it happens a lot - happened to us.
sorry no advice but Yanbu.

OP this is an unfortunate situation for you, the timing sucks. I think it's okay to feel disappointed that your ILs can't be there to help.

Honestly I'm quite confused by the timings you've stated re your ILs planned visit and the Aus school holidays etc as you say your due date is in the penultimate week of their 6 week hols, but also that they could easily change their dates to suit both of you - but surely this wouldn't cover the Aus 6 week hols then?

If SIL 2 is a teacher I guess you think she could be helping out with the childcare of SIL 1's son as she'll be on holiday anyway?

Seems a bit cheeky that SIL 1 can't afford holiday childcare but then presumably expects her parents to fly out to Aus at their expense to provide free childcare? Or does she cover their flights? I don't know how expensive holiday clubs are in Aus but surely they're less than a flight?!

People suggesting your husband miss the birth of your fourth child to look after your other 3 kids are being harsh IMO, like your fourth birth is of less importance! Obvs this is the worst case scenario option, but I really hope you find someone else who can help you out!

My parents love their 4-8 week trips to Australia to see family, and I think they're going to move there when they begin to need help, if not before. I guess, how do you see that piece playing out? I don't think they are being unreasonable for wanting to spend time with their overseas relatives and are actually being considerate for now wanting to give plane germs to a baby. I swear every long haul trip gets me sick now.

So get a babysitter? You’ve chosen to live far from both families and to have four. I had to labour alone for my second as we couldn’t get middle of the night care for my first born. I managed and was totally fine. Yes would have been nice to have my husband with me, but it was only a night of labour and then he was there with my first born and we checked out that afternoon.
Asking them to miss a trip for a possibility of when you may go into labour and to miss out on helping their daughter is not on.

How do you get on with it if you have no help? Generally asking? Who watches them for you to work?

Grandparents do not equal automatic free babysitters.
They are allowed to choose how to spend their time.

What would you do if they were not an option like your parents aren’t?

To be honest you can't even predict the exact date or week your baby will come you could go into labour at any point. It's not exactly a short flight for them to come at a moments notice all the way back from Australia to come and look after your kids, they may not even get an immediate flight either. I think you need to accept they've said no and it's final. If you've had other offers from friends don't be so quick to dismiss their offers

What did you do when you had the other 3 kids?