Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

I think your parents in law are idiots. It sounds like they have one remaining child living near them, who are they expecting to take care of them when they need care?

I don't think its too much to come home a bit earlier to help out and be there for a new grandchild, while still helping out for part of the summer holidays.

YABVU - Australia is a long way, expensive flight and was obviously arranged in advance.

I’d be livid at being expected to come back early! You sound very entitled. Definitely ask your friends for help.

Sorry I've read more of your posts now OP and understand the timings.

Does feel pretty annoying that the usual 4 months trip has been extended by a whole 6 weeks extra which you would not have been expecting because your SIL 1's decision to move states.

Would you have felt better if your MIL had asked you if you needed any help around your due date before she'd said yes to SIL 1?

Have to say it does sound like there's very little precedent for your MIL to care for your grandchildren though, is there any chance she feels like you don't need/want her help?

Going against the grain here but I think your in-laws are treating you shabbily OP. I’d expect family to rally round for a birth. Particularly if flights not yet booked. If they are firm in their no, then not much you can do and in any case I’d leave it to your DH as it’s his parents. But I’d certainly remember this in the years to come if they ever need family support.

I have my own two young kids and would never want to watch someone else’s three. We stopped at two for a reason. More than two is a headache, especially if you’re not used to it!

Same for us. I did my labour on my own and husband came for the last hour. We divided and conquered the rest of the time. We also only had two children though, I think there’s a lot to be said for people that keep having kids and expecting the same level of help to continue it more support.

Oh come on, it's number 4. You don't say when your baby is due, if you did I missed it. But I am going to assume it's Christmas time, ie - summer holidays for the aussies... There is probably more to this than they don't want to travel back for you specifically, it's probably there yearly routine (4 times a year?) you don't get to pick when your babys born no, but they don't have to plan their lives around you having a 3rd 4th 5th baby either.

Sounds like PIL don't really want to put themselves out to help you guys. Yes that is hurtful. I agree. But it is what it is. They are not falling over themselves to be the help you want them to be. They will have reasons why but to be honest, just accept and find solutions elsewhere. Hard for you and your DH but it just is what it is. Don't get bitter or even, just move on with your lives and don't prioritise them.

So why did you have a fourth child?

Why not if she wants one and can afford it? My grandparents had 4 children, it used to be normal, this attitude is why we need to rely on immigration as we have such a low birth rate in uk.

OP, lots of issues here.
I know of several couples where because of a lack of childcare, fathers missed the birth.
Everyone survived.
It's really not the end of the world.

You are there to be useful to them, not to expect anything from them.
Up to you if you think this dynamic is acceptable.

My friend had this for years. Two sons, the other younger one was the favourite.
They were on call for them 24/7, and despite my friend being a shift nurse, and their son had to travel, they were never available to help out on the few occasions she was very stuck..
Her friends like me stepped in.

Just as she took early retirement due to a large inheritance from her parents, that she had been wonderful to, her inlaws suddenly both needed support with appointments etc., and she was pencilled in to do it.

She spelt it out to her husband, BIL and in laws that she was absolutely unavailable as her retirement was not going to be spent driving 30 minutes to them several times a week for these appointments.

She told them straight out that they needed to ask for support from their other DIL/BIL, to whom they had given so much support to for years.
They both had a full decade of ill health and my friend never got involved, she had looked after her own parents without her husbands help, and she fully left him to it.

Typical replies OP. We live in a world now where the thought of helping someone else is so alien that you become the idiot for asking!
I am not sure if they should fly back. It does sound like they prioritise the daughter. But perhaps because you have always managed they don't actually think too hard? Anyway, ask your friends for help, decide when you want in laws to see the baby on your own terms and enjoy your last baby

This makes no sense, if they give a bug to one of your children they’ll easily pass it one to the newborn!

YABU you cannot dictate other people’s lives based on wanting four children.

Because her 'pregnancy was high risk as she has a history of cancer'

"Our due date is the second last week of their holidays. SIL has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son."

Booking the flight based strictly on your due date is risky, as they might miss it if the baby arrives a week or two early. Perhaps they recognize that birth dates are unpredictable and prefer to stick with their original plan of visiting during the six weeks of school holidays.

I can see it from both sides. But if they arrive in Australia September surely they can come back mid January (especially if flights not booked yet, though tomorrow is 1st September so it would be strange flights not booked yet) & your SIL can arrange holiday clubs for a week or 2. If I was the SIL I'd be happy of the months of help & not mind them going back to UK to help during the birth. I'd say your pregnancy hormones aren't helping how hurt you feel. I do think grandparents generally favour their daughters, sad but true

I think you have a right to be hurt and particularly your DH. Your need trumps your SIL . I think your husband needs to point out, how you never ask and never get any help and point out that they miss all their other grandchildren’s birthdays and Christmas as they prioritise those in Australia . Stand firm about not letting them visit until you’re ready . Also add in how difficult it will be for SIL to help them when they are unable to fly to Australia !!

Agree and also think quarantine is sensible and responsible OP

You'd think this was a debate about family size going by these replies.

The GPs have shown their loyalties, accept that..be strong about your boundaries as a result

There’s no reason you should defend your point against random internet users. You have a good point and yes you can feel hurt of course. The family obviously prefers the sister and holidays in Australia looking after one child. Good luck.

Maybe they just can’t hack minding all of your kids together. Some kids are more full on than others, they might have reached an age that they’re just not able for it anymore.
They have plans made & have made a commitment to their other daughter, don’t expect them to change that for you. If this is something they do annually they aren’t going to change now. I know a couple of older couples that do the same & they’re very set in their dates.
Your friends have already offered to help out so stop with the entitled behaviour & accept their kindness before they make other plans.

But it would be ok not to quarantine if they were coming back to babysit?

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I honestly don't know anyone who would act the way they are - know several families with relatives in Oz, including some of my own.
I'm sure in future the SILs will rush back to help the PIL with any help they need as they age.

But then the six weeks wouldn’t coincide with their school hols when they also need help.

tbh I can understand why you’re upset, I’d be disappointed too. But I think unfortunately it’s a case of parents being closer with their daughter rather than their son. You’re just going to have to suck it up, and learn to live with it being like this 😞

I think you are being a bit selfish

They don't live on your doorstep and babies come when they come you can't expect them to up sticks and sit patiently waiting for the baby's arrival for potentially weeks on end

They probably rarely see their Australian family and it's not a cheap doo to fly over there

You have pals
You have a husband who can be with the other kids if needs be while you deliver the baby
You have the option of your parents but won't use them

As for not allowing them to see baby straight away when they get home. It just sounds really rather nasty because you aren't getting your own way

Just had my 4th a year ago. Had a home birth to avoid needing childcare for the others. Back up plan in an emergency was going into hospital along and hubbies staying home with existing kids.
I never rely on others for childcare. It isn't owed to us.