Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

Your Mil is not available for your childcare. She should not feel hostage to it either.

But why would you put yourself through another pregnancy if you have health issues and 3 children already? And you can't expect older family members to mind your children just because you keep having them.

High risk but decided a fourth child was a good idea?

No family support but decided a fourth child was a good idea?

It's actually a 5.5 month visit with their daughters. 4 months plus an extra 6 weeks to look after the sister's child while school is out.

We also had zero childcare @RealRosePoet from PIL who were the only GP and stopped asking. SILs had weekly help and holiday (which was a well kept "secret"). Who wants reluctant or resentful help anyway? The DC noticed the difference in attitude towards them and their cousins.

I don't think your PILs will change their mind, I wouldn't distress yourself any further by asking but push ahead with your own plans, which frankly will be a lot more reliable and you will feel very relieved when you have and can focus on other things as it sounds like you have a lot on your plate ATM. Also, its better to just move on and don't let this cast a damper on the birth. Got to keep the stress to a minimum, better for both of you.

Births happen as and when they want to and I always found the uncertain date planning stressful. I was admitted suddenly for monitoring and we had no one but our kind neighbours stepped up and offered and kept an eye on the older ones whilst DH visited me, he left and then had to turn around halfway and come back for the birth which was also sudden. We'd never asked them for help before and they knew it was a one off.
I think the best solution is having a friend or neighbour very nearby who can step in if its the middle of the night. Babysitters are usually not available round the clock at a moments notice. If its the night, the kids will be in bed anyway. But you could have a few people on standby. Wishing you all the best with the birth.

Sure. But if she dedicates multiple months a year to being fully available for other grandchildren, she is showing her priorities are very clear and don’t include her son or his children. She must expect that to have consequences. Like fuck would I be helping the next time she phoned in the dhs shoes. Sorry mum I can’t, I have 3 dc / 4 dc and no family help, I haven’t got the time to be your support too.

Older children is a very different immune system? Are we arguing now that newborn babies have the same immune system as any other child who’s gone to daycare and played outside and attends school and socialises with other children? That would be very silly. When my parents came from Australia they saw my husband, but didn’t come visit me and the baby for a day and a half. Because that was the bigger risk, my dh wasn’t going to catch anything from them.

The OP said earlier on in the thread (appreciate you might not have read everything!) that her parents helped, previously, but they didn't have health issues / disabilities back then.

I don’t know anyone at all who managed to do that while in active labour. You must know a lot of real superwomen. Breathe through the contractions, collect dc from school. Pull over while contracting? Feed dc, bath bed? I do not know a single woman who’s done that , and I hope I never will because no woman should be so unsupported.

It's the family dynamic - your husband's sister is the needy one that the parents rally round to support, while you're just left to get on with it because you are 'copers'. It's the same in my family - I've never had any support but my parents have propped up my sister endlessly. It is hurtful but what can you do? I don't think it's actually possible to change a dynamic like that as I can guarantee your ILs would deny it even exists.

They spend 1/3 of the year overseas and 2/3 of the year with her son and his family. Not unreasonable. I know plenty of retirees who spend 6 months in one country and 6 months in another. It's a minority but a good few do. The birth happens to fall during their overseas stint. As we are so often told by the babymoon 'grandparents can't meet their grandchildren for weeks' set, babies keep and are just as good later so no rush.

They don't spent 2/3 of the year with the son, where have you got that from? They don't even live in the same part of the country.

The OP is holding her hostage to the idea she should be ever present to look after their children when requested.
She should not do that. Australia is a very long way away. And they probably want to see a bit of the place whilst there. Knowing if elderly, they might not again.
If putting your other children first has to have consequences for the OP then she cannot win whatever she does. There should be no ‘consequences’.
She is likely to have helped in the past or I am sure we would have learnt otherwise and the expectation was that she would be there to do likewise.
A sort of house hostage for childcare.
The OP should not feel they are treating her badly.

I expect they are also happy to stay in the Oz summer rather than the Scot winter!

i understand why you feel let down but do think it is a reach to expect them to cut their holiday short so they can babysit while you are in labour.

did you discuss this requirement with them when planning another child, or when your parents’ circumstances changed?

It's extremely unusual for second and subsequent labours to last more than a day, presumably that's not active labour? Could DH not come just for the active bit?

We've done it alone every time, lucky you to have family to have helped with your previous DC's births.

How far gone are you? What was your plan for this when you got pregnant? Did you ask them as soon as you knew?

It's inevitable when people have children that live drastically different distances away that they will be treated differently. A tit for tat attitude from one of the children will go nowhere. I live further away than my sibling and it would be immature as hell for me to insist that my parents spend equal amounts of time with my children because it's what I consider to be fair.

No, if I was arguing that I'd have written it.

The point is about exposure to whatever PILs might have picked up on the plane. OP is concerned about this, and presumably she doesn't think ILs have the same immune system as a newborn. One hopes.

If they've picked up nasty virus X, then have multiple young children for what could be several days, those children are also potentially exposed. And they're then going to be at close quarter with the newborn. You've got at least one child, so you'll be aware that they get up close and personal with caregivers in a way that your adult husband didn't need to be with his parents, and then also can't be trusted not to do things like open mouthed cough around babies and generally be minging.

I don't think you are comparing fairly, tbh. A baby can come two weeks early or two weeks late. You aren't asking them to directly compare a baby being born with their previous commitments, you are asking them to drop a previous commitment, for SIL to find childcare she thought was sorted and them to cut a holiday short for the slim possibility DC4 comes on their due date.

You are also essentially saying that if they come early, you can manage and you don't need their help badly enough for them to visit as soon as they are back.

I can see why you are hurt, but that's because you are in planning mode. Maybe plan DHs paternity for the first few weeks and then hope they can help more after that. Congratulations on your baby.

I find it extraordinary that anyone expects help with a baby from anyone other than the baby’s other parent. Yes, accept any help that is offered, but it is totally unreasonable to expect other people to alter their plans except for a dire unexpected emergency

They can't hack looking after Op's children for a day or so during the birth but can look after the grandkids in Australia for months??

This. Absolutely. You chose to have another child and now want your in-laws to drop everything and accommodate? Jeez.

It does sound a little like you are looking for reasons to feel hurt, ie your responses to other feedback. You would serve yourself better to see things from in laws point of view

Not to mention that PILs could save the money they would pay to get to Australia and pay the holiday club for SiL instead. If they wanted to support OP and help out SiL, they could easily do both that way, I'm surprised that's not even been discussed! I think the real issue is that they just don't want to - and that's why OP is hurt.

A due date is like a due month really though isn't it? That makes it so much harder in this situation for parents in law to plan and it would be less worth it for them to go out to see their other family members over the summer. It's also a very long way to go and very expensive and the longer the trip, the more you can justify the cost.

This is a very different situation to if they just couldn't be arsed or they're choosing to visit their daughters in the town next to yours.

There are also, as lots of posts refer to, plenty of people who have no grandparent help at all. With the fourth, the help my parents needed was someone to look after me and my other siblings. Do you have friends who can help with this? I am someone who would be very happy to help another friend in this way.

When my best mate had her baby, her mum wasn't in good health, her dad's not around, and she didn't have a partner, so she had to have help from us her friends. Between us we did housework, fed her cat, gave her lifts, changed nappies, looked after the baby in her house while she napped in recovery, birth partnered in hospital etc.

Oh hang on - I've just re-read your original message and think I've focused too much on the birth part of the support you wanted from your in laws? Do you mean holiday childcare more generally and for the years to come?

I feel like that's maybe something that should/could have been discussed before having another child? But I might have the wrong end of the stick.

Also, I think it's absolutely fine to tell your parents in law that you're feeling hurt that they won't be around to support you and meet their new grandchild.

I've got a cousin who's 1 of 3 and the other 2 siblings both live in gorgeous places abroad so her parents have a wonderful time visiting them and she can feel like she ends up with the bum end of the deal, she gets the boring end of things, she's the one who has to help with getting them to the garage when their car's in for an MOT or catsits while they're off on their jaunts. So let it out, let them know how you feel in a grown up way.

Oh also, I've spotted you've sensed the lack of empathy in a lot of mumsnet replies and a fair bit of viciousness. That's sadly the norm. Someone can ask a completely reasonable question like "am I unreasonable for thinking egg sandwiches are the worst food for someone to eat on a train?" and by the end of it they're being called anti-vegetarian and racist and a bad parent and ableist. It's wild but it happens all the time. Finally, I'd recommend having a chat with friends about it as well as they'll get the context and should be able to give you some good advice (as well as the practical support they've already offered!).