Feeling hurt that in laws help other sibling when our baby arrives

[RealRosePoet]

I’m currently pregnant with our fourth and last child. We’re trying to plan childcare for when the time comes, if we need support during non nursery / school hours.

My parents are older, and have health issues from cancer so can’t help. We have friends that can support us but our main hope was my in laws. They live in Manchester but have a place nearby us in Scotland too.

We’ve got friends who have kindly offered to help us out but I wanted to get some thoughts on why we couldn’t have my in laws help, to see if we are overreacting by being a bit hurt.

Basically, my sister in law lives in Australia and has a son at school. My other sister in law lives there too (they are neighbours) and is a teacher so gets school holidays. The holidays in Australia are when our baby is due - to be exact our due date is the second last week of their holidays. When we asked if our in laws could help, they said no because my sister in law can’t afford holiday clubs and has asked them to go out there for the full 6 weeks to look after their son. We asked if there was any possibility if they could come back early - because we thought perhaps my SIL and BIL could manage some of it themselves but my MIL has said it’s a firm no, they’ve got to be fair and that my SIL needs them more.

However, my MIL has said the moment she’s back she’s coming to meet the baby and wasn’t happy when we said she would need to wait a week or so because we’d rather she not see the baby straight after a long haul flight.

My DH is v upset about it all because his parents always put his eldest sister first in many situations over the years. Are we overreacting by feeling a bit hurt?

They’re of course free to spend their time as they wish.

I hope they’re not expecting care from their son (and by default, you) should the need ever arise.

Due dates just aren’t that predictable. That’s the main issue with asking in-laws to be the main and only option and to organise their holiday around your due date.

It’s pretty normal to have a plan A, B and C for when you give birth. You can’t put that much pressure on one set of parents to be there. Even if they stayed in the UK they could be ill or just asleep and not contactable when the baby comes.

I feel for you OP. But I wouldn't let anyone near my household after a long haul flight for at least two weeks when there is a newborn or someone recovering from a possible c-section present. This is based on experience of a visitor passing on a nasty H1N1 flu virus that infected everyone and so impacted us for about ten weeks, including one hospitalisation.

As for the in-laws, DH should warn them they will have to budget for professional help around the house going forward as he has 4 children to raise now, and hasn't the time, energy or funds to be travelling hundreds of miles to provide for adults.

The thing that gets me about the "you chose to have 4" comments is that you could say the same thing for the daughter in Australia who needs holiday childcare.

they're not going to change, but i do think people here are being a bit unfair. You can't expect them to do this, but they are playing favourites and I hope they don't expect you and your DH to care for them when they can no longer fly to Australia, because their daughter isn't going to do it.

Why cant you look after your own children? You chose to have them, theyre your responsibilty not your in-laws!

Why can’t she look after her children while giving birth? Isn’t that kind of obvious?

Or had children and managed to look after them perfectly without moaning about needing help?

She has a husband. They chose to have 4 kids its nobody elses problem. Hubby will have to look after the other 3 while she pops out the latest one

I can totally understand how you feel. If I were them I would fly back early and support you. It does seem unfair and also I’d wonder why they weren’t cultivating a close relationship with the grandchildren they live in the same country as!
So in my opinion you are not being unreasonable and maybe your DH can have a heart to heart with them and explain the experience of your family. Perhaps they don’t realise that it is impacting their relationship with their uk grandchildren.

Why can't her sisters-in- law look after their own children, either?

You think they should disrupt their holiday to Aus to suit you and baby number 4?

How odd.

They can, but they don't have to. Their mother and father are going to help them.

I completely understand how you feel, but for MIL those weeks in Australia are how she maintains close ties with her daughters, and them needing her and her meeting that need will be non-negotiable in her mind. Your baby's arrival sadly doesn't trump that even thought logistically it should be perfectly feasible. Yes it must hurt if it's a pattern of DH coming last and I don't think you are in the least bit unreasonable.

I presume that OP thought that as her PILs help her SIL with childcare for six weeks every year, asking for her help for a few hours while she gives birth as a one-off wouldn't be unreasonable.

Her SIL also gets help with childcare from her sister who is a teacher so available during school holidays.

As OP and her DH are the only ones that provide her PILs with help when they need it, she thought that her PILs would help them as a one-off. They have said no, which is their right, but it seems shitty to me and I certainly wouldn't be bothering to help her PILs in future if I were OP.

JFC of course OP can look after her own children. She does that every day. She is just asking for help with her children while she gives birth. That's it. Not regular child care, she knows better than asking her selfish in-laws for that, even though they rely on OP's DH for help and support when they aren't in Australia.

Hopefully, OP and her DH will match her in-laws energy when they ask for help in future. The golden child who lives in Australia can fly back to help them or they can pay for help.

No, OP thought she'd demand that they disrupt and ruin their holiday to Australia to visit their daughters. She didn't ask for a few hours, they're not just popping round the corner.

And they've said no, which is fair. So that's that.

The problem with promising to be available for a birth that falls during your usual overseas time is that it's not just a few hours. If I agree to be available for a birth, I know I'm agreeing to be available for two weeks either side of the due date - earlier if there's an emergency. That's a long time span and they have a previous commitment they have chosen to honour.

I feel for these grandparents a bit, expected to be available to help on both sides of the world, especially where there are adult children on both sides with needs. The grown children seem rather demanding.

As for DH and OP giving help to the grandparents who someone said lived hundreds of miles away, that's not really appropriate to ask of a young family either. I think everyone needs to become a bit more independent and outsource help a bit more.

Her PILs will have been there for five months. OP is asking them to fly back a couple of weeks earlier than the original plan. Their flights haven't even been booked yet. OP's DH is their child and the one who helps his parents the most but they won't do this to help him.

The few hours is the amount of time they would be looking after OP's children while she gives birth.

Hopefully, when OP's PILs need help again when they are back in the UK, her OP and her DH will match PIL's energy and refuse.

Oh well, never mind. They're not going to do it, so that's that.

With any luck she'll post an update for you where she punishes them mightily for daring to say no and refusing to disrupt their lives for her. Then you can wipe the drool from your chin and shudder with satisfaction.

Also, OP is fine with the ILs getting straight off a flight to look after the older children, who she will presumably not be keeping away from the baby for a week to save the baby from the germs the ILs have passed on to the older ones. The one week rule (which appears reasonable on the face or it) only seems to apply if the ILs are not providing childcare.

Nowadays I'd be more interested in escaping the UK summer!

So I totally get why you would want a gap between a long haul flight and seeing a new born baby.

you wanted them to cut holiday short for the birth - so with building in a gap due to long haul flight and extra time to factor in birth might be earlier than due date - how many weeks were you expecting them to drop from their holiday if they were only going for six weeks already? How many weeks were they realistically going to be able to go for? With time difference of 7-10 hrs depending on state triggering jet lag / being elderly it’s not great going to Oz for less than 3-4 weeks.

But OP wants them to come back early to help. Not going to be much help if they can’t help because they can’t see baby……

I think therein lies the problem - you can’t compare yourselves to others only the situation you’re in. Are your friends actually in the same like for like situation ? As in they have parents in law who for the last 15 years have always travelled abroad for 4 months to see grandchildren I suspect they won’t see for the other 8 months of the year? I only ask because it would be quite a coincidence for your friends to have identical situation to you.

I get completely why it’s upsetting for you and your partner. To you, it feels like they could just rearrange the holiday and that their daughter’s children’s childcare “trumps” your situation of being in hospital. However, I also have 3 siblings and the truth is you can’t parent all four of your children exactly the same. I spent many of my childhood thinking “that’s not fair, so and so got that etc whereas I didn’t ” - and the bottom line is sometimes fair doesn’t mean equal. As others have said, they might see it as only having 4 months with their other grandchildren and wanting to maximise the holidays with them. I do find it strange that they have never offered to help with any childcare/ holidays at all though. It doesn’t sounds like you’re particularly close so although upsetting, probably not surprising that they haven’t dropped everything to be with newborns as been other friends experience.

I also have family that live abroad and it’s really hard not seeing them regularly. My own mother spends 6 months of the year in another country to spend it with my grandmother and I wouldn’t want to begrudge her that even if it when I had another child and needed support (although circumstances are different and my Nana is frail / dementia etc). I don’t think it’s as simple as who do you think is more important.

If your DH is really upset then he should take it up with his parents. Especially as one of your posts (not the original one) is stating that they could change the trip and still be able to help both families - if this is really the case then this should be discussed with the SIL and with PIL to see if an arrangement can be had with where everyone’s needs are met