August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

Thankyou @AttilaTheMeerkat

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat

I'm currently feeling conflicted between one the one hand feeling that the logical thing to do is to completely walk away from GB2 and Mum, and the feeling that given Mum's current vulnerable state the morally correct thing is to keep some involvement and at least monitor how she's being treated.
As I've posted about before, GB2 refuses to consider any care options for Mum other than 'family will look after her'. He's very annoyed that I won't become a carer and since I have not responded as he wants (he has learned to expect fawning/appeasement if he gets angry) he is making it as awkward as possible for me to continue with what I currently do to help Mum. His latest trick is claiming that I have no place to get involved when I arrange to take Mum to appointments etc, despite the fact that he is kept informed and always says he can't go. He's obviously been getting annoyed with Mum about the latest appointment, because she keeps telling me has has promised not to shout when I arrive to collect her.

I know only I can make this decision so just wanted to let off steam in company where I know I will be understood. I know that in reality what he wants is for me to do anything time consuming or difficult but give him complete control. Since I won't do that, I suspect that is also feeling conflicted- he would like to push me away completely so that he can tell everyone I have abandoned than (and get control including of Mum's finances). But he also does not want to have to actually take on everything I do for Mum or pay for anyone else to do it.

Unfortunately, I can see that Mum will never actually challenge GB2. I suspect this will end one of 2 ways. 1) He will move in with her and make it so unpleasant/unsafe for me to visit that I am forced to be pretty much NC and have to decide whether I should make some sort of safeguarding report for her. 2) He decides it's all too much after all, and I will be expected to find her a care home etc, probably at short notice after a crisis. Logically I know that I should take control of my own involvement in this and just leave him to it but is that fair to Mum who is now elderly and suffering from dementia? If I don't step even further back, or go NC I think the eventual outcome will depend on how much he can get his partner/other friends and family to do for them and how long Mum could pay for everything and allow him to claim to be taking time out of work to be her carer. It's an unpleasant situation but I have to remind myself that this is the outcome of the way our family worked for decades.

For anyone here considering how to manage relationships with their dysfunctional families I would urge you to think about what they will expect of you if/when parents need help in older age.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat

In the following scenario, what are the options?

Elderly parents (early 80s) living in large family home. One parent cares for the other who has a degenerative disease but also has their own health issues.
Rural location so can only get out by car. One parent still currently drives.
Two grown up children. One lives abroad, one lives short drive away.
Person who lives close by has repeatedly said they don’t have capacity to manage their parents’ affairs. In the past they suggested parents should move house to make old age easier. Parents said it was never the right time.
Person who lives abroad helps with immediate issues when they are in the country but doesn’t want to make plans for the future.

Person living close by doesn’t want to be responsible for the situation. They feel distant from their parents but the parents can’t understand why.

The realistic options for the parents would be either

1. Start making arrangements (sooner the better) to live somewhere where it will be easier to manage independently (or with carers etc) when neither can drive and as needs increase;
2. Plan to remain in their current house and look in to practical adjustments and available help for when they need it (eg. local taxi services, community transport etc). They would need to accept that if they remain in a large rural house things will be harder than if they were somewhere smaller and closer to amenities.

They ought to be looking at ways to simplify their finances and household admin too and/or discussing with their children what help they would be able to provide if/when they are no longer able to manage this themselves. This might include LPA, making sure bills etc are paid by DD and in joint names, making sure both could access funds when one passes etc.

In reality, I think more often than not in this situation the parents put off making any changes until there is a crisis or leave it until downsizing etc is no longer a feasible answer. Assuming you are one of the children, I think all you can do is make it very clear to our parents and sibling that you will not take over managing their affairs or become their carer. If you are willing to provide some help, be clear what that is and be prepared to stick to it. This will be easier if your sibling is understanding. It is quite likely that one or both of your parents will need some sort of needs assessment at some point so you will need to be prepared to be clear from the start with the assessor about what you are willing to do.

There needs to be some discussion about their plans, even if this has to just be you telling them they need to make plans and that you can only do X. Try not to be drawn in to giving practical reasons why you can't do more (just state that you can't) as in my experience this can be taken as an invitation to think of ways around that.

It does sound like the sibling living overseas may be uninterested in discussing future plans because they are expecting that sibling living close by will just deal with everything when the time comes that the current situation stops working. If that's the case you have my sympathy- my sibling lives by the mantra 'We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, it will all be OK'. What he really means is 'If we just leave it, someone else will sort everything out when it goes wrong'.

@formalwellies thank you so much- this is really helpful

Hello new thread.

Does anyone just struggle with relationships? I think looking at things I always have but never knew why. Going through this has made me realise just how transactional many relationships are. I don’t approach a relationship with a transaction in mind so I don’t understand this and I get myself very hurt. Now I can understand it’s not necessarily anything Ive done wrong I just didn’t realise someone was using me for something. Are most relationships transactional? I am finding myself become more and more alone.

Ive walked away from a friend recently, well she gets what she wants from someone else and this has become a bit of a pattern with her. Why come to me in the first place. I wonder if I’m just too desperate for someone decent. She mirrored me to a T. Does everyone mirror you initially or just narc types? I find it very deeply hurtful to be used this way, it’s not moral at all.

I used to have such faith in humans, excitement and love for people. I feel so defeated lately, like nothing is what I thought. People are awful.

Hi all, I didn’t realise there was a new thread, but the old one filled up so I looked to see if a new one had been started and found you all!

Morning everyone, I have just posted a thread about sister here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5572887-i-am-sick-and-tired-of-sisters-behaviour?reply=154475264

I am just sick of her selfish behaviour tbh. Whenever we have got together as a family there is some drama from her. Anyones birthday then again drama from her. It's so tiring.

Thank you, @AttilaTheMeerkat. I would like to join in on this one, please. (I’m normally a reader not a poster.) I’ve got changes a-coming that are loading me down with some unwelcome memories, that I need to process before I start to think about a house move.

(I want to move from here to there, ‘there’ being the beautiful place I grew up in, but within a grotesque family.)

I suppose I have ghosts to deal with.

She has now blocked me because I didnt respond to her message. Its like she is trying to goad me into an argument and drama. Im not biting. I don't want to play her games anymore its exhausting

@Summertime2006 It sounds like your sister thrives on drama, so if I were you I would try to 'drop the rope'. That means don't respond to her attention seeking behaviour, just let her sound off/block you etc and choose to get on with your life rather than being constantly dragged in to a sort of tug of war. You have no obligation to have your life enmeshed with your sister. It sounds like you feel you owe it to your child to have a relationship with their cousins, but I wonder if actually it would be healthier for you to focus on helping him build relationships with other friends (or take up a new activity and meet some new friends) instead. I've heard the argument (including used against me) for putting up with bad behaviour from siblings so that the children can enjoy being part of a big family who spend time together. Personally I think it's better to teach your child by example that you don't have to stay and put up with someone treating you badly, no matter who they are.

@GazingOutToSea That sounds tough. I understand what you mean about places carrying memories. Is there a particular reason that you feel the place you grew up in is specifically the place you should move to? Could there be other similar places and/or places nearby that would fit the bill without you having to deal with the 'ghosts'? There are certain artists/songs that I find awkward to listen to because they remind me of horrible things in my past. Objectively I do like the music and find the artists interesting but I feel the 'fight or flight' instinct kick in if they come on the radio so I've decided there are lots of other good songs out there and just won't listen to them now. Particularly where we have been conditioned to over-ride our instincts and put up with mistreatment I actually think choosing a path that does not make us feel uncomfortable can be quite powerful.

@formalwellies they are good points. My DH and I were just talking about how the whole “you have to be friends with your siblings” attitude is potentially unhealthy. If both siblings aren’t being raised to be considerate of each other, and one is often told to “put up” with their sibling’s behaviour it can easily lead to accepting unhealthy behaviour in other relationships as you grow up. We try to be clear with our DC that they are allowed boundaries and should expect their boundaries to be respected by others - including each other.

I think this “but they’re family” attitude has a lot to answer for, tbh. There might be less abuse in general if there weren’t so many people conditioned to believe they’re entitled to get away with treating people like shit and so many conditioned to believe they should accept being treated that way.

Is it called the drama triangle, or it’s called something else? The drama creates the roles they operate in to get attention. Victim, hero and persecutor. They want people to feel either sorry for them or they want people to look up to them. Chaos keeps them in the center of the triangle at all times. It’s why I think initially it works, it’s draws people in because humans have empathy and want to help that person. But eventually you notice a pattern and this person creates drama after drama and your empathy wanes so they turn on you or off they go to find another audience.

Re-reading what I wrote actually made some sense to how narcissists work. You feel sorry for them initially and you want to help and support them. As time goes on you have less and less empathy, which I’m assuming is natural. The person the narc met in the beginning is becoming less empathetic and the only thing they can take from this is that you are actually a nasty piece of work after all. No wonder my ex hates me. I actually believed that I could perhaps be a cold nasty bitch. Actually I lasted many many years and that’s because I was actually very empathetic and young and vulnerable.

@Eeriefairy I couldn't agree more. I think a big problem is that this attitude is handed down the generations (it certainly was in my case) and just becomes accepted as the norm. I'm sure in many families it doesn't cause a problem as no-one pushes it too far. But someone growing up in a dysfunctional family repeatedly hears the message 'siblings should be friends and support eachother no matter what' and it reinforces their role in the family and then, as you say, also what they expect from other relationships. Both of my brothers (who expect family to put up with being treated badly) ended up with partners who grew up in very dysfunctional families and have clearly learned to accept this. They have far more obviously dysfunctional families (obvious neglect, crime, poverty etc) and my FOO talk as though they have somehow saved them and shown them how a 'proper' family acts.

I think it's better to teach children to be respectful of their siblings.

Me and my brother have a normal relationship, no issues, no pushing, he did I’m his things and I did mine. No one ever had to tell us to like each other or play happy families. Nothing about happy families or anything was ever mentioned. I think in normal families none of this stuff is such a thing, you just are a kid then you grow up and do your things.

I normally lurk not post, so hi!

After several years of VLC, my dad has a very aggressive cancer and is likely to die within the next few months. Having less contact has been a good thing and I was comfortable with it. Now I'm confused again.

I know all the reasons I reduced contact remain valid. I also know time is about to run out - not to mention the pressure from my sibling, and wider family.

@Starbells53 are you saying you don’t want to see him but there is pressure from your family?

edited to say, sorry I just reread and I see you said you’re confused. So I assume part of you wants to see him and part of you doesn’t? Plus there is pressure.

I don’t suppose anyone can tell you what you want most. It must be extremely difficult, and I imagine I will face something similar one day 💐

@Eeriefairy I don't what know I want anymore.

Part of me does want to see him - but I think I'm still hoping to see imaginary "ideal dad", not the one I actually have. I thought I'd got past that and accepted reality, but the news that time is limited has made it all come up again. I do want to support my sibling (who is close to dad), but I don't really know how to do that either.

I know exactly what you mean. Like it’s one last chance to genuinely connect. Maybe he’ll apologise, show that he “sees you”. It’s really very extremely unlikely but you can’t just forget the whole stupid idea.

It’s so hard isn’t it? Your loving feelings don’t just vanish. But you just can’t have more than a surface level relationship.

I completely agree with everything you've said. Its all narc behaviour. Narc traits run strongly through my mums side of the family and my sister takes after that side. Looks and personality wise. I did used to feel sorry for her and saw her as a victim so I wanted to help but every single time I would feel like she threw it back in my face. I began to think what is the point. All her choices lead her to where she is. She makes her own drama, never changes and always thinks of herself first. I am sick of it.
I guess i feel sorry for DS as he is an only.

Sorry me again. I'm a bit of a mess. It bas really upset me about my sister blocking me. We used to be alot closer. We would do alot together. She was always selfish but I felt sorry for her so I would try my best to help her and listen to her. Just 1 more less toxic person in my life. At this rate I will have no one in my life. I seem to attract people who just want to suck the energy from me or use me. No one is ever there when I need them.

Hi,
Not sure where to began its along one.
Im 1 of 3,youngest with two older brothers. From an early age we walked on egg shells, my mother was always ill or always sleeping so the house needed fo be quiet. As a child if i did anything to displease my mother i would get the silent treatment even when i begged and apologised this would go on for days. I always had second hand clothes nothing new bought. My auntie dm sister was a godsend she took me to activities, abroad, disneyland paris, bought me clothes she was a mother to me. I remember my mother cutting my hair as it was too busy to deal with, i was a nusisance to her.

My df was a good man, he enabled my mother for an easier life but he was kind. My older dbro1 was a heroin addict who hit me giving me a black eye my dm picked him over me and failed to safeguard me. Other brother went away to university as far away as he could. The house was a batterfield, holes in walls and doors, drug fuelled rages from dbro1 i experienced this from the age of 9-15 years old.

As an adult she was always hypercricital of me. The first to tell me my faults. Never said she was proud of me. My dm had a poor lifestyle and was used to having my auntie and df running around after her. My DF starting getting alot of pain and she would openly mock him turns out he had terminal prostate cancer and it was in his bones.

Amazingly he surived 10 years but she came bitter when he couldnt bring her coffees anymore or when he needed carers in to help him. She resented the fact he didnt die quick enough.

She would berate him and bully him. One time she rung me, my df had fled the house in a state after one of her verbal attacks. I raced around he hadnt got very far due to his illness but he told me he wished he was dead and that he couldnt cope anymore. My df then would go back to denying he was being abused when I asked.

My dm had my df helping her with a matteress when he fell. He broke his hip and struggled on for a week likley too scared to put her out to go to the hospital in end he went on christmas night after she exploded at him and my poor auntie who hosted them.

My DF was moved to a carehome following surgery. My dm behaviour towards me my auntie duirng that period it got worse. I spoke about how abusive she was and that I wanted to cut her off. My auntie begged me not to but confirmed how vile and nasty she had been.

Now my df was no use my dm moved on my auntie she would have her running around getting prescriptions and shopping. She would go mad if i did anything without her and went out with my auntie.

My auntie came round to see me on my bday I had been ill will the flu but she insisted. She said she wasnt feeling well and I said to leave it and rest but she came as she needed to do shopping for my dm and didnt want to say no. That was the last time I saw her alive. I replay her walking away down the drive and wish I gave her a hug because i had the flu I didnt. But told her to mind what she was doing.

I tried to ring her the following day but no answer,messages not answered. I went round as we had a key and she had passed away in her arm chair. She was my mother figure and grandparents to my children. We were devasted. I blamed myself for not finding her sooner.

A year later my df passed away. My dm would slag my df off despite me asking her not to. They were still together when he died. Worse my poor aunties ashes are still at the funeral home not collected. Her wish was her ashes to be buried with her parents this is coming up 2.5 years now. She inherted off my auntie got half her cash and half the sale of the flat.

She accused my dbro2 off stealing off the estate without proof, he didnt and hes got nc. Shes gets nasty about him even when ive told her his dw has terminal cancer. She lacks any empathy and hasnt seen her grandkids.

Dm wanted me to step up doing the shopping and prescriptions and appointments shes 72 drives is capable when she wants to.

I'm selfish and I should put her first as my children arent babies and my dh can step up. She did give me a desposit for the house which im grateful but she also disinherted dbro 2 and gave my df share to dbro1 she managed to get him to change his will before he died.

She has threathened to do the same if i dont step inline. Her abuse has now started toward dd. Ds1 is her favourite and she has actively tried turning him agaisnt me over the years. His teenage years were particularly challenging with smoking weed as you imagine is trigging due to my childhood. He has since matured now.

It came to a head a month ago after ive went lc for the last 18months. I compeltely went nc blocked her on everything including dbro1 whos the golden child..he is waiting for her to die so he can get his hands on her money.

I feel the only links keeping me from not doing it sooner were my auntie and father. Looking back i wish i had fought more for my df and auntie.