August 2026 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have started a new thread as the other one is now full.

How do you all reconcile the guilt of going NC and the realisation that they're near end of life and may never see them again.
With my scenario its quite complication, parent 1 died when young, parent 2 was too drugged up to care for me and 4 siblings so I ended up being looked after by Parents 2's mum, my Nan.
Nan is a complicated woman, with her own demons. She stepped up when no one else did and raised us all at various points, selflessly and I dread to think what would have happened had she not.
However her love was always conditional, and being grief stricken, young and lost, became a massive pleaser which worked well for a few years until teenage years when I guess I started finding who I was.
Various bust ups over absolutely nothing resulted in her calling my teachers to tell them I was on drugs (I wasn't), cancelling my driving lessons (that i paid for) and saying bitterly how I'd never be any good (aged 36 now and still don't drive), going to my Saturday job and accusing the managers of mismanagement, as I was standing right there. She even went absolutely nuts one day for listening to 'gangster rap', she saw my CD case for a band called The Killers, I shit you not.
Anyway, I left at 18 and went low contact as she didn't approve of my choices (I studied midwifery, but she wanted me to do medicine). And life hasn't been easy, family has always held me back one way or another but I am happy. And I think my happiness is largely due to the fact that I no longer have her demands on me and judging my life.
Its rather telling that both of her own two kids went complete NC after they left home and over the years me and my siblings have each gone NC after getting tired of the emotional whiplash.
The issue is, I've been told that she is terminal, and doesn't really have all that long left to live. And despite it all, I do love her, I understand why she is the way she is, and I don't hold it against her, I just can't have her in my life.
So when she dies, I know its going to hurt like hell, I know I'm gong to wish I made amends, I know I'm going to regret things, but I also don't want to invite that crap into my life again.
Very conflicting and not where I want to be.

Who told you she’s terminal?. I’d be taking that comment from that flying monkey with a big pinch of salt. Did this person know of your history with your nan and how you were mistreated and otherwise put down by her?. She installed the fear obligation and guilt buttons and those need to come out!.

Do you think she feels guilt: nah not a bit of it. You have two qualities she lacks: empathy and insight.

its not down to you to make amends re your nan and in all truth she is not worth bothering about. She’s never apologised to you nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions has she?. It’s not your fault she is the ways she is and her children. have cut contact with her too. That was not a decision they made lightly nor without good reason. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old that was likely done to her. There is no acceptable excuse or justification for how you were treated and going back at all
to her will give you more of the same.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

And learn how to drive!. It’s not too late and it will give you some more independence.

Tell this person going forward you don’t want to hear anything about your nan. If they disregard your request lower your contact levels with this person too.

@formalwelliesso sorry, but who is Gb2?

I have recently lost a friend like this. It’s triggered past feelings I had about myself from the guilt of leaving a long relationship. Do I just not have enough empathy, is it ok to stop caring, are my boundaries ok. They make you feel like the faulty one for feeling the way you do. I’ve supported this friend through several things but she just keeps going back and finding more drama. I’m tired, have young kids and I can’t keep up with the friend. In my life I went through shit but then I got back on my feet and never wanted that chaos again. This friend can’t keep away, I’ve talked to her about peace etc but she doesn’t want it. I am beginning to think narc, because there is such a long back story and drama after drama and she needs so much attention but she loves to rescue people from their drama also. Anyway, a past version would have tried for much longer to help her, me now as 40 can’t be bothered. I guess we learn lessons that we can’t fix anyone but we can ruin the peace we’ve worked so hard for trying.

I feel for your nephew. My friend also has kids in the middle of all the drama. A few of us have tried to talk to her about stepping away from other people’s chaos and keeping those kids calm and quiet. But she chops and changes friends and family so one minute they in the kids lives and it’s intense, then they out, no consistency. Which is one reason I’ve backed away for my own kids. I don’t like their friendship being used, one minute they have to play together all the time, next minute they can’t. Not having my kids messed up by this type of friendship. It’s sad for their kids though.

In the book I read recently, it talks about two different kinds of people that come out of dysfunctional families. People who externalise (expect things or other people to change somehow to make things better for them) or internalisers (people who believe the power to change the situation lies with them).

There are advantages and disadvantages to both types. Internalisers are more likely to analyse their own behaviour, seek therapy (and actually engage with it), but they are also more likely to see these dynamics in terms of: what could I have done differently to improve that relationship? What if I could find the magic words, figure out how to get through to them, do more to take the load off, be more understanding etc. but if the relationship you’re talking about is with someone who is deeply broken, then it just doesn’t matter what you do - there is no should have/would have/could have. It doesn’t fall on you.

I do understand the guilt, and I do have a niggling amount of it - but I am aware that that is because of how I was raised. I was expected to be the one to bend and change and fix it. To accept whatever and put up with whatever in order for things to continue smoothly. The guilt you’re feeling is because you still deep down think this is somehow your responsibility and that if you just found the magic words or did some magic deed, you could fix it. But it just isn’t true. It’s not your fault, not your responsibility, and the person that could fix it isn’t interested in doing so.

These people don’t feel guilt. I think that is one of the most defining aspects. They are justified therefore they don’t have the guilt that we have. We have guilt therefore we hold onto hope for change once “WE” do the change or we absorb or manage to put across what we mean in a way that is understood. We have to accept that they fully hold us accountable for the way we are reacting. They don’t see the reason why we react or they simply don’t care as they enjoy it. Guilt would make them look inwards but they don’t have it. I find this almost impossible to integrate as I come from a place of feeling guilty for my behaviour.

I was very ill after leaving my ex H, physically and I had an emotional breakdown. He didn’t and doesn’t care. I’ve wracked my brains trying to work it out. Surely I wasn’t that weak, surely I didn’t do all that myself, am I that faulty. Only recently I’ve seen him for who he is, he feels no guilt. It’s so disturbing. Imagine being responsible for hurting another or for simply being in a relationship with someone suffering and you don’t care.

“EMPATHY: This is the ability to witness the human pain of others and feel it emotionally in yourself.”

“Narcissists see both empathy and guilt as CHOICES, not feelings. Why would they feel guilty or sad when they can choose not to. They do not feel the way others can due to their disorder.”

“Empathy is a species survival trait that causes us not to harm each other and to love and care for each other, because hurting each other feels like hurting ourselves, and we are a social species: we NEED others to survive.”

I had 2 Golden Boy brothers, GB1 and GB2. GB1 (now deceased as a result of alcoholism and risky life choices) actively enjoyed making others suffer but is still lauded in my FOO as the most wonderful person who ever lived and the circumstances surrounding his death reimagined as a tragic accident. I went NC with GB1 many years before his death and some members of my FOO think that he may have been saved if I was just a bit nicer to him. GB2 considers himself superior to everyone else and expects everyone else to put him first, regardless of their own needs or lives. He is the hero or victim (sometimes both) in every story. He has always been very dependent on our parents (financially and practically) and lived with them until he moved in with his GF in his mid-40s, with them doing absolutely everything for him and putting up with awful behaviour. This has now been rebadged as him having stayed around to help when I moved away as soon as I could. His opinion is treated as the final word on any subject (even things where actually I have qualifications and experience) and the accepted story in my FOO is that he is incredibly clever and has battled through a hard life, always putting others first. I am the awkward cow who just won't be nice and get on with everyone.

Hey @Pinkbananaa

My mother sounds very similar to yours. My DF is still alive and I still feel duty bound to help as they are very elderly. However in your case I would be sorely tempted to go NC. What have you got to lose? And everything to gain. She doesn’t sound worth having in your life.

When my narc mother was dying, I dropped everything to care for her. She relied heavily on me, was loving and kind.

However, she couldn’t keep that up. Even in the last few weeks of her life she hurt me in the old ways; just as I thought we had both reached a new understanding. It felt devastating. Another loss.

we are all different, but in my experience, a narc won’t change their spots.

You must do what you can live with going forward. If you know that (unreasonable) guilt will eat you up, then re-engage a little. My DM did a number on me, in terms of my guilt-feelings so I know I’d have just blamed myself if I hadn’t supported her.

However, you know what he has done and that you are not to blame. If you want to keep
him at arms length, you are entitled to do so and you don’t need to convince anyone else.

Good luck

So sorry to hear everyone’s news. This is a wonderful supportive board but also so very sad.

we are all amazing survivors. I tell myself that every day even when I’m going through a bad patch.

Thanks for the new thread

Have you decided what to do about your therapist? I think it’s quite important to feel properly comfortable with the person you’re speaking to about all this, so if he’s making you feel pressured you could look for someone else.

Still nothing from sister. Still blocked. Her ex partner text me today asking if I'd heard from her. Guessing he hasn't heard anything from her either. Sad as it's my nephews birthday soon but tbh she always does this around someones birthday it's really odd.

Not odd really, they spoil anything that doesn’t centre them. Someone else needing attention is like garlic to a vampire.

Yes, this is probably exactly it.

@Eeriefairyive not done anything about the therapist yet work has been really busy this has reminded me to book my talking therapy thing so I can do the online cbt course I got the text a few days ago while in work and have been meaning to reply I might do that first and see how I get on as they don’t recommend doing both

i presume after opg cock up sending the court of protection stuff to my dsis old address despite me of 4 separate occasions telling them she had moved to dm house and giving dm address dsis will have now received the paperwork

thankfully I’ve not heard anything from her or any of her flying monkeys if she’s told them. It’s out of my hands I don’t even know what evidence they have on her i presumed it was her moving into dm house but maybe not if they sent the paperwork to her previous address

not heard anything from opg or court of protection and due to the delay in my dsis receiving and therefore returning her forms I think she is probably still within the 14 day window to respond i have no idea if my witness statement is going to be used or not

I saw this friend that I’ve distanced myself from at school this morning. She has got herself involved with other ladies and more drama. I’ve had a think about it. I really identified with her when we met, we had similar issues (so I thought) so had lots of empathy. I tried to help her through it. In my eyes and I’m not sure if think the right ways about things. But you go through something, you heal and you learn and you move on. You don’t make your entire identity about it. I thought ok she through this now it should be over. But she off on another drama and something else that will fuck her kids up. I can’t help but think that their entire identity has become about being a victim, needing to be wronged, needing to play the role of victim then helper….over and over. I don’t think she will ever stop. People move on from her because their empathy fades. How long can you feel sorry for someone who seeks it out?

I don’t know how to counter this? It’s in my eyes programming and I don’t now how to counter program if anyone has any ideas because I sound like I’m a whack!

Parents in law video call whilst visiting family to speak to kids….its all performance. H does the call so I’m not in control but I say something like “would be nice if they actually just visited the kids instead of helped us with anything”. My H only knows this kind of love. He fully believes doing absolutely everything on his own is a sign of love. He’s ok being sick or ill or dead and them enjoying themselves on endless hols. I’m not disputing how they love, if he feels love then great for him. This is not love in my eyes and I hate that they try and instil this shit into my kids. People who love you actually show up. Don’t just call when someone is with you so you can perform to them that you a great grandparent when you aren’t. They obviously are fully away that that they need to behave a certain way to be perceived by others as a good one. They couldn’t just say we selfish, don’t bother because we too busy and don’t really enjoy all this helping others rubbish.

Is it enough that I tell my kids that people who love you actually show up? I don’t want them to think that distance equals love and this is enough? Or do I just leave them to it and let them have this relationship? It’s obviously love for his parents, they love doing bare minimum.

@Spendysis that sounds like a plan re therapy. I’m glad you haven’t heard anything from your sister or her flying monkeys. It’s still horrible enough having it on your mind that something might come your way!

@MustIgo I think the best way to guide kids with relationships is to teach them what a good relationship looks like. And then you don’t have to tell them when someone doesn’t fit that description, they should join the dots themselves. They don’t generally listen if you say “this person isn’t a good friend” - just define what a good friend is/what good relationships look like and stand back. I think you’re right that your DH has been raised with this and so he doesn’t see it. It might be painful for him to accept that this isn’t love because that would mean he’s never been loved.

Yes you are right, I don’t want my H to be hurt. But at the same time I want to show my kids that this is not healthy. It feels an impossible task as I’m outnumbered.

My DH excused so much that his mum had done and blamed himself for her lack of love and care. It was only when he had his own DC he realised he could never treat them how he was treated (most parents would literally die before they allowed the things to happen to their DC that she did).

I think it’s the same for me. I thought my parents were great parents, until I thought about what I would do when my DC reach whatever age and I think - well I absolutely wouldn’t do what mine did. Maybe this realisation is further down the line for him?