New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

I'd do a Clare's Law application.

The story as he tells it is not rape imo but the fact that he has told you the story is suspicious. I think there is more to it.

But even if that were, verifiably, exactly what happened (which we can’t possibly know), then it’s a non-issue and there would be no sane reason for him to disclose this to someone he’s only just met!

Yes I agree it's odd, this sudden confession early on in a relationship says to me he's prepping her for something that might come out further down the line, he's getting his version in first..

One thing you could do which may help the woman affected would be to write down verbatim what he told you with times and date info in case this is ever needed for the police.

Another thing is to have text or email proof of the conversation. So if you messaged something like 'I cant stop thinking about what you said that * was paralytic and you were sober', to try to get some written indication/response from him of what he said verbally.
...
In these cases it's so often the two parties word against each other, but in this situation you hold information that could assist the woman if she needs it.

I would feel very alarmed at his disclosure. There is no way I would continue seeing him. There are red flags all over this. As many others have already said, he is telling you his version of events - for reasons you may never know. Why don’t you have a few days no contact with him. I’m sure he will show his true colours soon enough!

Know your worth!

She’s only been seeing him a few months. Waste of time for everyone. Just pan him off, he’s a big enough red flag.

Big massive red flag. No decent sober man wants to do that with(to) a paralytically drunk woman. Either drop or proceed with extreme caution and take very slowly until you feel you have a better measure of who he is.

Glad to see this comment as I was reading this thread so confused?! I’ve had drunken sex loads of time never have I ever felt I was raped?!

If you knew the guy thought he was raping you ...?

I once had sexual intercourse with a man when I was more than tipsy. I liked him and I'm still friends with him now and this happened years ago.
I still feel like I definitely consented to it and enjoyed it.
I will put my hard hat on too for this.

I'm older and wiser now (and female) but I don't think that the man took advantage of me. I instigated it if truth be known.
Maybe there is more to this story, who knows. In my situation though it wasn't rape. We can only speak from our own experiences though.
Yes do a Clare's law and see what information you get. Knowledge is power.

Why has he told you? I'd be worried op. This isn't normal.

Um, am I the only one who read in the post that SHE asked HIM to have sex with her? How is that rape? She may have been drunk but if she asked,well....

To be clear, this was an ex-friend-with-benefits who asked him to sleep with her? The problem was that she was drunk and could not legally consent. It is certainly phrased in a way that sounds somewhat tame—he has slept with her before, she asked him, etc. Do you believe this tame version of the story?

Fifteen years ago, the idea that someone could be too intoxicated to consent wasn’t as clearly understood by the general public.

If he's been good since, I would not dump him.

The point is that HE felt she was unable to consent. At the time, not in retrospect.

It doesn't matter what the friend felt/feels about it. He believed he was raping her, and the incident's still important to him 15 years later. This is odd.

15 years ago. It was 2011. Of course it was understood.

You have known this man for a few weeks. Weeks. He has already made it weird (at the very least).
He's testing your boundaries IMO, seeing how 'desperate' you are. Good luck with this one.

It's laid out in the Sexual Offences Act 2003. By 2011 there was already a nuanced repository of discussion and case law regarding intoxication and consent.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/prosecution-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-prosecution-guidance-full-page-version#10

I’m beginning to think this was a planned post by MRAs with the arrival of many supporters.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

I've only read OP posts, so I don't know if it's been raised that the world was different 15 years ago.

15 years ago, an act such as this wouldn't have been talked about as rape because she asked him to have sex. In the intervening years, the social discourse changed and clarity around this grey area was established as to where it fell regarding consent and alcohol levels.

It may be that he has only recently acknowledged that her drunkenness meant that she could not fully consent as these conversations have been explored publicly. And he is shocked and embarrassed at what he did, now that he recognises it, and wants to be upfront from the off if he is a high morals kind of person and sees a future with you.

Absolutely follow the advice from PPs to find out more about his background if you can. But the world was a different place 15 years ago. I'm not sure I'd be quick to judge someone for something they did 15 years ago and assume there had to be more to it if it wasn't seen to be an issue 15 years ago. I'd tread carefully and see what else comes up before deciding to end things with someone I clicked with on the basis of a what if.

All the best.

I, and many others, have said that the nuances this rape are not the relevant part of this. Although I find it a bit disturbing quite a few are determining it a non event - it is, as actively described by this man apparently, rape and we should never be saying this is an ok thing. Yes it has been different in the past (further back than 2011 though I think) and yes many women have been ok enough about similar scenarios, and yes this would be hard to establish fully in a court - doesn’t mean as described it wasn’t rape - I mean actually it’s literally been described so by this man - so why are we actually being apologists for him! I really don’t think MN, is a great place to start making excuses for rape.

OP - I still find this baffling - I certainly don’t lay out all my (probably less than salubrious at times) sexual history - nor do I want to hear about my fella’s details with others - just a right put off even if not confessing to rape, which zero of the rejects I normally find have done - thank god!

It’s still outright bizarre behaviour to me - there are many good suggestions of why he may have told you this - I can’t decide between them and doubt you can - if it’s a fantasy, story out up front, a fetish, a masochistic confession thing he does - though something he thinks of clearly far too often. A few weeks in to start on it - test the water - is the point where you’re less likely to go screaming to the police or the ex FWB and dig into it all. You might be likely to do a Clare’s law but he’s covered his back there he thinks.

In fact as I type it out I think he has certainly picked up on the fact you could be ok with it - I can’t assume you’re vulnerable- but we all can be in relationships- sadly predators and sex weirdos have a bit of a nose for it so do consider that - oh and please run far and fast - there’s nothing that can be ok about him telling you this.

In story telling this is called foreshadowing - it’s a flag there is more to come.

Trust your instincts - he’s told you this for a reason but I suspect he’s not told you the full picture. He’s grooming you to accept worse info yet to come.

What was the conversation before about? Did this come out of nowhere or were you talking about things you have done in the past that you wouldn’t do now? For example, if you were telling stories about riding in the boot of a hatch back car, or shoplifting as a teen. Because I can see that understanding of consent have changed in the past fifteen years, particularly around alcohol. However, if he brought the topic up and it didn’t flow naturally onto this subject somehow, then it’s an even bigger red flag.

I’m justifying my comment, not ‘men ignoring’ anything. If I was the girl in question I wouldn’t have considered myself to have been raped.