New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

Could it be as she was drunk that she doesn’t remember.

This exactly.

...big red flags.
He might also have rape fantasys and is testing you out.

EithrrGĤBƁ

I can't work out how it's rape either.

It is possible that he gone on a course and been told that if you have sex with anyone after a few drinks you have taped them. That seems to be the consensus here but it's news to me and probably was to him too

Hes dangerous. Get out before it happens to you

Drunken consent is still consent. Just as drunken assault is still assault and drunken rape is still rape

…and at no time he said/thought, she is too drunk, some other time maybe when she’s able to give FULL CONSENT???

I think you’ll find the law is not as black and white as that.

I think the fact that you’re posting here asking the question tells you everything you need to know. You don’t need permission to end the relationship, if you don’t this will always be in the back of your mind and you will never feel truly safe with him. Don’t be reassured by his job, plenty of men in public service are predators and abusers. Imo it’s highly suspect that he told you this at this point in the relationship. If it was me I would request a Claire’s law disclosure (because I’m nosey), but regardless I’d be ending the relationship.

This isn’t about belief

This man has told you that he chose to have sex with a woman who was too drunk to consent.

Which is a crime even if the victim never complained and is still his friend.

If you decide to keep seeing him, I suggest you do not drink alcohol or take drugs.

Because he has told you how he treats incapacitated women. (I guess he might feel sad afterwards though so at least you’ll have that).

Honestly the dating pool isn’t that bad, chuck this one back.

Great question!

We can all debate whether this confession constitutes rape or not, but to me he has only told you to frame the fact this had repercussions that you might find out about

i can almost guarantee from my own experience that he has complaints or convictions on his record

If you carry on seeing him, It seems a really unwise message to give a person that you have only known a matter of weeks that:

"I will overlook self-confessed poor sexual boundaries, and in fact will knowingly put myself at risk with you".

It just shouts of having terrible boundaries yourself.

I don't know how you'd framed it in your mind, maybe seeing yourself as this amazing forgiving or non-judgemental person? or imagining you're so special to him he'd never hurt you - or you can save him .... but he won't be seeing it like that, he'll be seeing someone desperate enough and with crappy enough boundaries to tolerate all kinds of shit.

This

@Inengland id do a Claire’s law as a first step .

The way I read your OP, he was admitting to raping her. How could she enthusiastically consent when she was paralytic, you'd have to ask yourself.

How's your moral compass OP? Can you not figure this out. Dump him and find someone who shows respect to women.

It's rape because she was paralytic. When you've had that much to drink, and remember he was sober, your inhibitions and judgement are massively compromised. In his sober state, he absolutely took every advantage he could take to get his end away. It beggars belief that the OP isn't running for the hills.

Yes.

I don't know why people are questioning it when the man himself thinks what he did was wrong.

I still know what i'm doing when i'm drunk. Obviously someone who is comatose wouldn't know what was happening but if she suggested sex then it doesn't sound like she was. Either she did suggest it and it therefore wasn't rape IMO or there is more to this story.

Drunk people cannot consent. It's irrelevant if she said 'lets have sex'.

Guys have we not have basic sex education yet?

I admit I haven't been drunk for many years but when I did drink I was quite capable of consenting to things. If I was incapable of consenting I would also be incapable of saying "lets have sex". I appreciate that it may not be the case for everyone but I don't think that if you have sex when drunk you are automatically being raped.

Well, that man in question says he was in the wrong - and he's surely best placed to judge his own actions while sober and her capacity to consent while drunk, over people who weren't there on the internet. 🙄

He said he knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

Fifteen years ago was, erm, 2011..Not the Dark Ages.

It was rape fifteen years ago and it's rape now.

Exactly.

In fact, 30 odd years ago I was pissed as a fart at uni, and asked someone to fuck me and instead, he put me to bed and went back to his halls. (We got married in the end, and although he was a shit husband in many ways, he understood consent).

It's not new that it's not OK.