New man confessed to past poor sexual behaviour. How bothered would you be?

[Inengland]

Been seeing a man for a few weeks. We get on famously. He seems kind, has his life sorted. I want to see more of him.

Last night he seemed nervous and told me he wanted to be honest and confess something. The something was that fifteen years ago he had sex with an ex-FWB when she was paralytic drunk and he was sober. Apparently he gave her a lift home after a work night out, some months after they'd last had sex. When they got back, he said she asked him to have sex with her, and despite her being too drunk to give informed consent he did anyway.
He said he'd regretted it ever since, even though she has never mentioned it again and the two of them are still friendly acquaintances.
What would you think of you heard this story? On the one hand I am pleased he told me, it was a long time ago and he obviously feels bad about it (worse than she does by the sound of it). On the other hand he did do it...

What a strange thing to randomly tell you. I’d wonder what other surprises he’s got up his sleeve. None of them good I bet

As I said, I don't believe that is the whole story. If it was i doubt that someone in their 50s would think that they had done something terrible and that they needed to confess it 15 years later.

I think you were lucky 30 years ago.

I am not saying it was right but it was more accepted. I think the #metoo movement changed a lot of it

That's the thing, everyone has had drunken sex but why the big confession? It would make me think he was getting his version in first sort of thing.

No. Just… no. End this now.

Perhaps he is aware that you will find out what happened and he is preempting that by putting his version of events forward first.

This has disaster written all over it.

horrible thing to do. odd to bring up past history do a Clare's Law

I am another one who votes for Claire’s law. The check is anonymous.

Clare’s law asap.

This … if there was nothing to it and nothing has ever been said about it since and they’re still friendly according to him? (Do you know this for a fact?) Why would he say anything to you about it now. Seems a bizarre thing to bring up if there was nothing untoward, but there certainly was if she was blind drunk and unable to give consent, and he knows it. Does the women even remember what happened to her 😵‍💫

I’m sorry but it’s a no from me. If you were my friend, sister or daughter I wouldn’t want you near this person. I’m sorry but no no no. You have heard his side of the story and there is likely something else either going on. Him telling you sends a red flag something may come up. I wouldn't want to have any association with someone like this. We need to do better teaching men and our sons it’s not ok. He still had intercourse with a drunk women.

@Inengland id message her and ask her side of the story. !

This is what I thought too. I think very few men who were sexually active then didn't ever have sex with a drunk woman. It doesn't mean they haven't changed their views on women since. It wasn't the first time he had sex with her and she initiated it. That just wasn't frowned upon by society then. Times have moved in and rightly so, but he can't change it.

What's weird to me though is that he's bringing it up 15 years later when the woman in question has never said he did anything wrong.

I would assume or work from the angle that he has given you the very softened version of what happened, if it happened at all. You have no other info except what he has told you. If you speak to the woman, in private and if you can get her to trust you, most certainly you will get a different version.
I would not go further with this man - because at the very least he has told you he is a rapist. Or aspires to be one - consider this (which is really creepy).
It's very important to recognise what his telling you this really is: a manipulation of your emotions and opinion of him. Consider that appearing to be vulnerable and shamed to you is an amazing hook.
Red flags in spades. Block him. No man is so desirable or necessary that you should accept this.

you really, really need to do a Claire law request… tomorrow don’t delay

It matters not that the ex initiated it. She was allegedly extremely drunk so she wouldn't have been fully aware of what she was doing. What makes it worse for me is that he admits he was sober. He was clear of mind and thought it was a good idea. He doesn't even have the "excuse" of being inebriated himself. He was also late 20s, so hardly a teenager with a not fully developed prefrontal cortex.

100% agree absolutely no other reason that he told you

Even if you take everything he says at face value There are lots of other men out there {although many are awful} But this one has admitted to having sex with someone when they were exceptionally drunk and he was sober. However bad he feels about it now, (he was 28 at the time - more than old enough to know better} I'd still prefer find one who wouldn't have sex with a drunk woman.

I suspect there#s much more to this story but simply going on what he has told you is enough to put me right off.

Totally agree. If his story is true AND he's genuinely feeling remorseful, then that's what he should do.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and put out there the possibility that he's a really sensitive guy who had a momentary lapse of judgement which he's felt terrible about ever since. That would put a different angle on things - he's not trying to guage what you will accept in a relationship/sex etc, but putting a deeply-regretted moment out there and baring his soul. I'm aware i may get hung drawn and quartered for this opinion lol

But FIFTEEN YEARS later? To someone he's only been seeing a few weeks?
It doesn't add up.

Yes, bingo. He is trying to muddy the waters before you hear her side of the story - or maybe he’s preparing you in case new things are revealed. I could be wrong, but that would be my reading of it. I doubt it’s an isolated incident. More likely the mild tip of a nasty iceberg.

When a man tells you who he is, believe him. It doesn't matter that he now says he's "sorry."
An ex of mine from long ago told me quite early on in our relationship that he was horrible to a previous gf for no reason, and acted like I should feel sorry for him in similar fashion because "guilt" or feeling bad about it.
He turned out to be a malignant narcissist. I was too young and inexperienced to realise what a big red flag it was.

Like others have said, I'd be wondering why he told you. Because I think most people who they have something they're ashamed of in their past, don't rush to tell someone they've been dating a few weeks - if it really was "many years ago I took advantage of a friend and in the morning she was okay with me, and just saw it as drunken sex, but I felt really guilty as I knew I probably should have stopped" - I don't reckon he'd have shared. So either he knows in his heart that he definitely raped her and she doesn't realise (run) or he is testing you in some way to see if your boundaries are flexible (also run)

The most disturbing thing is why on earth he’s telling you this now? It almost feels like he’s getting a sick kick out of it.
Why on earth would someone tell a person they’re casually dating that they raped someone 15 years ago?
How can this not ring massive alarm bells for you OP? Can’t believe you’re even considering staying with him.

Either (1) he has high morals / likes you a lot and has been feeling very guilty about this and wants to be open with you- show you at his worst, (2) he is highly insecure and is unconsciously testing your interest in him/self sabotaging by telling you the worst thing he's done, (3) there's more to it and he's trying to get in his side first, and/or (4) he's got a dark side and is testing your boundaries- much more may come out about other incidents.