DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

And this! I left my ex because I was physically lonely. He will. Good luck!

I could have written this when my children were young. Right down to not being able to kiss him because he would get aroused then angry it didn't leave to sex. Over the years I grew increasingly resentful that I was blamed for everything bad in his life and told that if I would just have more sex with him he would feel more motivated to do well at work, sort out his finances etc.... I stupidly had sex with him about once a month just to keep him happy but I really resented it. At no point did he reflect on why I didn't want sex much anymore. When I was seething with resentment that I did everything in the house and with the children ands worked full time and he just did very little etc...

I found myself having sex with him because I could see he was getting snippy with the children and was obviously blaming me.

Eventually I had enough. I decided to seperate. There were lots of reasons but this was definitely part of it.

And guess what? I met someone who I fancied overwhelmingly. I couldn't act on it because he was in a relationship, but I was so pleased to know that it was still there!

My children were early teens when I finally had enough. Looking back it was rotten for years.

As for people suggesting opening the relationship. I remember a few times suggesting this in desperation when he was really pressuring me, only to be told he didn't want anyone else, only me. Made the pressure even worse.

You have my sympathies. Unless there is a drastic change, your relationship is over. It is just a question of how long you try to keep making it work.

Hey, what you are going through is so common for a lot of women. Remember sex drive is fluid and can be affected by lots of things such as contraceptive pill, tiredness, stress and definitely feeling ,"touched out" during breastfeeding.
Maybe have a chat with your doctor and even consider sex therapy if you want to save your marriage.
You should not feel coerced into doing anything you are not comfortable with though. Men tend to equate sex with love so he is probably feeling like you are totally rejecting him. He needs to understand differently.

It's better for you to split up. I was in a sexless marriage for 10 years, and yes I would describe him as cold because he was completely ignoring my needs. I totally get what your husband is saying about wanting to feel connected, I feel sex very much is a necessary connection for me. You aren't even kissing your husband, you are both like housemates. You are very early PP but you said things have been like this since your eldest, who is 9?
You are not interested in sex and he is. Things will not work out long term for you both.

OP, you clearly see sex as a messy inconvenience and an irritation, while your DH does not. You regard it as, something that should have been "grown out of" by your late 30s, while your husband does not. You have a basic incompatibility.

It is not fundamentally wrong for you to feel as you do, but it isn't typical in a happy marriage. It is also not wrong of him to desire some sort of sex life with his wife, whom he loves. Would you not consider trying to satisfy his needs occasionally by giving him a hand job or oral?

I have been in your husband's shoes and it becomes soul destroying and poisons a relationship.

Lastly - no wonder he's reluctant to have a vasectomy if you'd insist on a condom anyway and still wouldn't want to have sex with him.

It is the one element of a relationship that makes it different to a friendship. It IS crucial to a romantic relationship (unless both parties agree otherwise).

I don't think either of you are wrong. But you are v far apart in terms of how much you want sex. Possibly the way he is going about it makes it less likely you will want to have sex, he persists you pull away even more. As an aside wanting sex seven weeks after you had a baby is just not on. You need therapy, but until you can afford it there must be things that could help. There must be lots of books that could be useful and you need a very crank conversation about your different perspectives.

No-one knows if he will cheat or not, I mean everyone is faithful until a particular situation shows up. You are very naive and don’t read mumsnet on a regular basis, as so many women are blindsided that their 100% faithful man has cheated. It sounds like you’ve never been that into having sex with your husband, but made worse by having kids. You can’t just expect him to think that side of your relationship is over now you are parents. He clearly feels unwanted and undesired and that’s not a good place for any relationship.

Don’t listen to PPs! I was you! Having 3 kids, breastfeeding etc, I didn’t want to go NEAR sex back then. This totally changed once the kids grew up a bit. I used to feel totally touched out, now not so much. My sex drive massively increased. Sadly those years caused irretrievable hurt between me and my husband. I wish I had gone through the motions once in a while just to keep the flame lit. Regrets I’ve had a few…

The responses on this thread are wild

A woman who’s recently had a baby being told to split with her husband and destroy a family because she doesn’t want sex as much as DH?

FFS! I really do wonder who exactly lurks on these relationship threads

Many therapists now offer online sessions in the evening. Would this be an option?

Sexual compatibility is fundamentally important. It's not a side note to a relationship, it's the core of the relationship.

Unfortunately OP should have married a man with a low sex drive (they are more common than you think from my experience) and her husband should have found a woman who enjoys having regular sex with him.

Sadly these two people have now created three children.

This situation could be resolved by careful compromise, communication and acknowledging that both their needs are equally important.

Unfortunately the OPs attitude seems to be that her husband should just suck it up that she now no longer really wants to have sex with him, so unless she listens to some if the advice on this thread I think long term the relationship is doomed.

I hope she takes the blinkers off for the sake of her children.

I have no answers other than to say having read your post I hope your husband is as strong as you say he is regarding tolerating a
Sexless marriage. You could say if someone was ill & for various reasons they were unable to have sex should that mean the end of the marriage. Absolutely not as there are so many ways to be intimate that would satisfy the desire to connect with each other without sex in the usual sense. The problem is you appear to have literally turned your back on your long suffering husband who sounds like a saint given your rejection of him. I wouldn't be so sure about him not being driven to look elsewhere to satisfy his need to be intimate with someone & not just for sex. It's about having an emotional & physical connection which for some reason is lacking within you OP. It's possibly a hormonal issue. If it is my suggestion is make an appointment with the doctor and explain what's going on. They've heard it all before. You obviously care & accept it's a problem or you wouldn't have posted here so that's a start.

I can understand the very acute issue with you being post partum is an obvious non negotiable. No reasonable person would argue otherwise.

But this is a years long problem that isn’t just going to resolve?

You say he’s a wonderful man with great morals and would never consider leaving you….I just can’t marry that up with the idea you’ve come online and basically called him a sex pest who leaves biscuit crumbs around. You don’t have very much respect for him- whether that’s deserved or not I’ll never know.

Having sex with someone isn’t something you ‘give them’ to make them love you. It’s about intimate connection, trust, enjoyment, an expression of a healthy love. You speak like you’ve felt obliged in the past to make people love you or stick around. That’s very sad. I think your attitude to sex and self esteem sounds very damaged, and is something you should work on as an individual.

I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread and will assume it wasn’t an outpouring of people telling you that your husband would fulfill his sexual needs elsewhere but I think the longevity of this needs a proper considered approach. It’s okay to make clear it’s off the table for now. Use that time though to work on how you find a middle ground here or let him go and want a happier life for you all, with someone who values the same things in a relationship long term.

I am so sorry you feel this way. He should not be pressuring you for sex at all, or making you feel guilty. However if I was in his shoes I would be devastated. For me sex is a big part of our relationship, it is emotional and physical connection that I thoroughly enjoy. If my partner rejected me all of the time and was grossed out by the fact I even wanted sex it would absolutely devastate me that they didnt want to be close to me, have that connection and I would feel they absolutely were not attracted to me.
He probably wants every kiss/touch to lead to sex because he really wants sex with you, he loves you, is attracted to you etc. If we havent had sex in a couple of days and my husband is kissing me I also get in the mood, as does he...I think thats probably quite a "normal" response, if yourself and dh are not having sex for weeks at a time then he probably feels that even more (still absolutely no excuse for pressure or guilt I do not agree with that side of things)
Sex is a huge part of a relationship for a lot of people (and no thats not disgusting or stupid - it is for a lot of people incredibly pleasurable and an enjoyable part of life where they can connect with their partner on a deeper level) it is so important to marry someone with a similar sex drive and similar feelings towards sex, there will be times in life during periods of stress, grief, postpartum etc that sex drive can decrease but these generally wouldnt luast forever for someone who values sex.
He probably feels rejected, and like a big part of marraige is missing for him. You might be best to try couples therapy or if you dont want that then to think about ending the marraige for his sake, if this feeling has been there for years and is not just a decline that will go away. I think this will be incredibly damaging to his self esteem long term and your resentment that he wants that connection with you will just get stronger and it wont end well.
The other option which may work is to allow him sex outside of the marraige if you were comfortable with this and wanted to stay together, but if sex is emotional for him too then obviously there is the risk or him becoming emotionally connected to someone he is with so this wont solve all problems either. I dont think you will be able to deprive him of sex forever though, Im also 30's and I know I would not be able to not enjoy sex for the rest of my life, or told I would have it once a month as a pity/settlement agreement. I would feel hurt, rejected and i know it would eventually damage my self esteem. That wouldnt work for me at all and I would be very likely to leave the marraige in time. Couples therapy/counselling or even solo might be a good shout to work out where you go from here x

Agree with most of the others, your marriage will be on a course to end at some point OP, but it doesn't have to if you put work in with each other. It's definitely possible to fix but you need to prepare to change and so does he, and hopefully at some point you meet back together. If you don't talk it will be single parenting for sure and your resentment towards each other with grow, which it sounds like it is.
Making time for each other as a couple (I don't just mean sex), not just as friends, is kind of essential for any healthy relationship, and maintaining a healthly relationship with your husband will help you be a stronger family. You talk like you don't want any of that to happen anymore, so this needs to start with you and then he needs to understand you and your feelings, and from there you go.
I say this a parent of 3 children with my DW. Life is hard, parenting is hard, maintaining a relationship is hard, but it's all possible if you talk and make time for each other. If you want to....

Jeez the amount of people on here I swear they just say break up as a response to any relationship issues!! I've been in your boat! Not as many years but after first baby I've just been so tired, life hasn't been the same as before I'm tired all the time- started feeling more me about 2 year pp after some decent sleeps lol then got pregnant with our second, now 17 months old and he's breastfed and still in our room. We're 2 and done. I was on contraception post baby but it wasn't agreeing with me, he said about the snip (although at points he did say what's the point when we're not even doing it) but it went ahead. Now baby is older I feel a lot clearer mentally to have sex and try and make more effort. For me it's just starting it I cba with/tired- once it's heated up I'm fine. Your only 10 weeks post partum, your literally in the trenches right now especially with it being half term! Get him to book a day off work and do all the hard work around and he can be exhausted like you haha

Just reading your posts you dont seem to be very open to changing yourself. You need cognitive behaviour therapy to try and change your unhealthy attitude to sex. You could take Addyi (flibanserin) or Vyleesi (bremelanotide) to try and increase interest. You could have a coil inserted - yes some women have problems, although sometimes they settle, but others dont and you are not willing to try.

He could have a vasectomy - you need to find out what is stopping him. He needs to stop pestering you for sex.

You are convinced he wont have an affair - so maybe he'll just leave you. Few men are going to be willing to stay in a sexless marriage long term. It may take a while but he'll leave.

In 13 years he's stayed because there's been some sex, he's not a monster and will have some level of guilt for the kids etc. But as they grow his head will be turned if he's not having sex with you. It a natural human thing to want to do and there are countless threads from women whose "husband is 100% faithful" and he's shagging someone else. Don't be so naive and arrogant to think it won't be you.

The fact you are asking for advice on here shows you know it’s an issue and want some help sorting it out.

only you know your own life and experiences but I’d suggest getting help for this yourself (and quickly) in the form of counselling. You have a block on being intimate with the person who loves you and that is not normal as you realise. Get to the bottom of why and then you will be able to move forward.

in the meantime hopefully he remains patient & doesnt do as others have suggested - destructive porn / prostitutes or affairs as those things will affect you far more in the long run than getting to the bottom of your intimacy issues. I hope you get it sorted and know life can be different and richer for you with a loving physical relationship. 💐

No advice from me but wanted to say that I feel exactly the same. Had my third baby in the last year and not remotely interested in sex. More or less, we have only had sex to conceive in the past 5 years. I can't be bothered with the faff. I'd rather sleep 😅My DH has never pressured me though, and if he did, I would similarly find it a massive turn-off. For me, I think that side will return once the baby years are finished and I can be more "myself" again.

ETA to add that I also would like my husband to have a vasectomy. I am not going on contraception again. So, any future sex would be shaped by how that's managed - difficult to relax if more babies are possible.

All these people going on about how sex is faff?! Am I doing it wrong...? Seriously if you haven't had sex with your DH in years, it's hardly like it's going to take very long anyway!

Oh jeez this thread. 🙄

She doesn’t need therapy or medicalising - there is nothing wrong with her. Her physiological situation is perfectly normal given that she is post partum, breastfeeding with two other young children. She’s probably completely knackered and at her optimum operating bandwidth.

If anything, maybe he needs therapy to not assume every hug or touch means he’ll get his dick wet. How about that one? Maybe he should learn the art of intimacy and closeness without having to actually penetrate an unwilling participant. Many men need this by the sound of it.

And the warning that if she doesn’t have sex her husband will be unfaithful and leave her. Disgusting base attitudes that (like a pp said) reveal an idea of ‘throwaway’ relationships. If he thinks so little of her well-being and his family that his need to prioritise his penis, then frankly she’s well shot of him.

You're 10 weeks post partum now so I totally understand you not being in the head space for sex. But then am I right in thinking that you didn't have sex whilst pregnant? Also totally understand that as I think lots of people feel the same. But then you said that you conceived your third on your first try. How much sex were you having between pregnancies? If it was nice and regular then I would say he's definitely being unreasonable and treating a difficult time with a newborn like a sexual draught which is unfair. On the flip side, if you've only had sex like five times in five years I can absolutely understand him feeling low and rejected, and like it's a friendship rather than a marriage.

This really. It’s not fair on either of you.