DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

If you want to save your marriage you need to take some action. Seek therapy if you can't find a way to change your outlook. In many (most?) relationships there's a mismatch in sex drive, but if one party is shutting up shop unilaterally then the writing is on the wall. Imagine if he decided that he no longer wanted to talk to you ever again, how would you feel? How empty would the relationship be from your perspective?

It's only a matter of time before he decides there's no love coming from your direction, and either he calls time on the marriage, or he finds physical affection elsewhere. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to open your eyes pretty quickly on this. Seek help asap.

I agree with the others. You’re delusional and extremely selfish. It’s fine for you not to want sex, but it’s not okay for him to live with that. You don’t have a strong foundation for a relationship or marriage. You’re kidding yourself only here. You have a friendship. Once a month before baby is not a normal, healthy sex life for a couple in their 30s. Your attitude towards sex isn’t normal and isn’t going to change to make it healthy for either of you. But you carry on because you’re not going to listen. We’ll await the future post of (at best) he’s using porn, (sensible) he’s left me, or (at worst) I can’t believe he’s cheated.

@ChitterChatter1987 Are you worried about getting pregnant again? Assuming your DH at least hasn't ruled out more babies.

I’’m in my late 40’s @ChitterChatter1987 amd my partner 4 years younger. We don’t live together but have sex at least 3 times a week. I understand you are post partum but you have a complete disregard for your husband and the need to have a loving and intimate relationship, you talk about him like he’s so passive that he will stay in a relationship he’s increasingly unhappy and lonely in. Just like you have changed , he will change eventually.

Neither of you are wrong (bar him pestering and perhaps your view that everything will be ok)...

It's what you want if you prefer not to have sex because it messy/gross/you don't like your body being touched and that's ok👍 I imagine you'd be happy never having sex again given what you have said?

He wants sex with you because he loves you, you are his wife and it's important to him. But with it not happening, he will be gradually thinking more and more that you don't feel that way towards him, that you don't love him.

Everybody's love language is different and you are very different in this regard. Whether everything else in your relationship can hold things together is another matter.

A vasectomy and a condom is bloody ridiculous as well once he gets the all clear. I think that sex would still not be on the cards for him though even if he has it done and gets the all clear, something he is probably subconsciously thinking which could be stopping it from happening.

I think it’s common for some women to go off sex during the first years after having children. Some just find it difficult to keep everyone happy, and the pull is more to focussing on your children than your partner. I remember after I had my second child me and dh didn’t have sex, at all, for five years. I just found it overwhelming - working and also looking after the needs of two young children. We survived it though, and a normal healthy sex life gradually resumed over the following years. But the difference I guess was that my dh didn’t really mention it, or push it, although with hindsight, he was probably pretty unhappy with the situation.

Don’t ever feel that your dh would never cheat. I’ve lost count of how many women, on here and IRL, are totally blindsided by a husband who was as solid as they come, whose morals and values would never allow him to cheat. But then he has a total personality change and has an affair. It happens often.

There's a helpful couple of chapters in a lovely graphic book 'the food of love' by Kate Evans one for dads and the next one about sex. It really explains the chemical reasons breastfeeding mothers don't need sex in the same way men do in a kind and funny way. I highly recommend. I combi fed my first baby and was ok with sex at 6 weeks postpartum (not hugely enthusiastic) now EBF feels very different as my body is entirely devoted to supporting baby's every need. My body is also so different after a second pregnancy and birth, I've put weight on and feel really far from who I was after baby 1. It's such early days. If I had decent sleep and chance to exercise I know I'd feel more confident in my skin but that's not where I am yet. Intimacy without sex is what you would prefer it seems, surely that would be good for DH too? Build the bond back up, diffuse some of the tension

Newborn + breastfeeding = normal not to want sex! I feel like there's some resentment towards him in other areas which is spilling into your sex life and that's why you don't want sex with him right now. Also, you have 3 kids under 9 you are probably exhausted and touched out!

I completely get it that you don't feel like sex now. But it's a bit of a shame if you really feel you are done with sex, because you're depriving yourself of years of something most people find highly enjoyable right into old age.

If you think sex is gross/a faff, I predict trouble.

If you think it’s really just the kids which are holding you back…www.amazon.co.uk/Having-Kids-Ruin-Your-Life/dp/1035405113/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=2PTZ8B8XC5SU6&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.F0doUnSqRUA9gK-B6cw3aD6KxpCZPEczdvLvmZUVo4MGGM5lxw4Rn9x-_666-WKfWtpcIyWXvutAvvpq6IUJRjRJ8YXQkjFQJSlQJLrMhLCmGlR1JPckpEgFy7rzPUw22TdrqBq9V2_beWRNySXlJs7xdcQoVT_V5Ri-9NRp4QFu9BDKEFChbhFL01wdSR7CIdGL04PnHYpJxfJssFmogA.rKxO2TewnG8OSXgo6PmXGCeeHdLShCZZuHQNOupqAVE&dib_tag=se&keywords=karen%2Bgurney&qid=1786574637&sprefix=karen%2Bgurney%2Caps%2C236&sr=8-2&th=1&psc=1

Everyone is different, life isn’t straightforward and some people just don’t want sex, whether thats because of a low drive, emotional disconnection, exhaustion, past trauma or life getting in the way, the only important point here is that it’s up to each individual to decide what is acceptable, sex should never be used as a weapon to assert control and in my book it shouldn’t be used just to appease a situation as it’s just faking it, it should be something both parties want.

We know that people change and relationships evolve but when one person wants something the other person doesn’t it’s up to them what they do, stay or go is the ultimate decision.

Here’s my situation just to give an example, I choose to stay for now because i have kids that need me and a wife that relies on me in many ways, is it ideal?, no, does it hurt? Fuck yeah it’s sole destroying, but i’m not a cheat.

If at some point before i reach 55 i decide that i can’t handle the lack of intimacy i’ll make sure they are looked after and move on. Right now she would struggle to cope due to health issues and i’m not in a position to make sure they never had to worry about finances, and shes given me 20 good years so it just wouldn’t be fair.

From your description his behavior sounds awful.

In general I do think a lot of relationships would improve if both sides really tried to understand the other's relationship to sex. If you're asking "why should sex determine the outcome" I think you just aren't doing a great job of imagining what it's like to be him (and, I suspect, many men). From your description of his behavior, it sounds like he's doing an awful job at understanding what it's like to be you. (To be clear, I don't think understanding someone's experience means you have to do what they want, just that I think it will improve comunication)

This is a very common stalemate between men and women. Many women need emotional connection and calm to feel like sex and many men need sex to feel emotional connection. It’s some kind of cosmic fucking joke that having babies often makes women feel less like sex (hormones and feeling exhausted and ‘touched out’ by small children) while also seeming to increase men’s need for emotional reassurance (eg sex) from their wives. Generalisations I know but I don’t think this is unusual. Wanting sex is not wrong, neither is not wanting it. Right now you’re in the hardest part of having young kids. You either talk openly and often about it and find compromises without resentment or your marriage won’t survive. Only you can decide if it’s worth the effort.

As decent as you think he is, he doesn't want to, and won't live without sex. If he's really decent he will leave you first but he probably won't. He will test the waters before leaving for good.

You should never ever feel pressured to have sex if you do not want it. Especially after being freshly postpartum. Your body is still adjusting and healing.

However, if you have very different sex drives and expectations I’m afraid the relationship will only become more strained.

I don't like being naked, having my body touched…..However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me. - I find this very sad. Would counselling help with this at all?

and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross - sex is one of the most natural things in the world. It definitely isn’t gross.

Do you think you’re thinking this way just because you’re postpartum or have you always thought and felt these things about sex?

Because in a monogamous relationship sex is one of the few things you can’t get elsewhere.

You sound like you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum if you need people to explain to you why sex is very important in a relationship. And that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual, but it will be hard for anyone to get you to understand why it’s so important to them. It is a core human need for many people. If it is for your husband and not for you, then you are simply mismatched and that is no one’s fault.

This!!
I cant believe the replies on here
Shes just had a baby
Her DH sounds like a child
Why would anyone want sex with a sulky unpleasant man

Its always " you dont like him, end the marriage"
Ridiculous
Women are not dolls, they have feelings, he needs to think about her not just himself

I agree.

Without sex you’re just mates. And it sounds like you never really wanted sex much but just went along with it, I don’t agree with him pestering you but I don’t think you can unilaterally remove it from a marriage and expect him to just be okay about it as it’s a fundamental part of marriage.

OP the hubris in this declaration of yours is both naive and arrogant
despite exasperated posters here alerting you to the consequences
of limited intimacy/sex in a marriage, you are still smug yet deluded
life will teach us humbling lessons we didn’t believe were necessary,
including ‘ Never say never, or ‘Pride goes before a fall’

If sex is "trivial, insignificant and shallow", would you mind if he got it elsewhere?

Sex isn’t trivial to someone who wants it, it’s something where you share closeness. When we started having issues (partly because like you and so many women I really was too exhausted getting into bed to consider doing anything), I started ironically missing it, I started remembering the joking and giggling, the intimacy and how we’d have a bit of a hug before falling asleep on opposite sides of the bed because we were both tired and sweaty.

I think 7/10 weeks is soon personally for sex because you’re all over the place and your baby is taking everything from you, but done for life seems insane!!! Not the same thing but imagine he said he didn’t feel like any form of hugging for life? Or said we will never hold hands etc. I honestly believe that’s what it’s like for men.

and I think for women the less you do it the more you think of it as a chore. Add to that the fact you’re probably doing too much hence you’re exhausted. It’s such a difficult time etc. I think you need to tell him you need less pressure and can’t think about it for the moment. I’d recommend when you’re in the headspace you listen to dam parenting podcast. It’s meant to be about having a baby in the Netherlands but they have podcasts about women and men and the sex issue

But remember you just had a baby and give yourself but him also a break x

This!! I was your husband (albeit a woman) and it was the loneliest most self-esteem crushing years of my life. My ex DH said I was a bit emotionally manipulative by complaining all the time so I do understand that he shouldn’t be saying the things he does but you are physically and emotionally neglectful. This is deeply unpleasant. You need to divorce and let him move on.

You’ll lose your husband if you don’t agree to regular sex. Is that what you want? I’ve seen it happen. For most husbands sex isn’t just the physical but the emotional too.