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Original poster

DH and sex issue

505 replies

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 10:28

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

OP posts:
Tortephant · Yesterday 16:03

ChitterChatter1987 · Yesterday 15:48

Woah the assumptions in your reply are CRAZY!

  1. He wasn't a sperm donor FFS, he wanted our children just as much as I did!!
  2. We both work and contribute the family finances thankyou.Not sure where that part has come from as I haven't mentioned finances in any of my posts as far as i'm aware.
  3. It's not about 'letting' him be with someone else, as he doesn't want that anyway! He just wants things to be better in OUR relationship.
Show quote history

OP, take a deep breath and read what I have said. Your reply is totally supporting my comments.

I believe he did want children as much as you, the difference is you used him to produce the children you wanted, where as he was expecting them to be a part of his marriage.

finances: I did say “I assume” as you constantly refer to your children taking up your whole focus. At no point have you suggested you are an equal part in your marriage or told us anything you contribute to it. Just what you take from it and want from it.

You know what he wants: yes I mentioned your naivety

Karcherisourfriend · Yesterday 16:03

He has told you that he doesn't think you are attracted to him and is nearly at the stage of not wanting to share a bed with you. Your H is clearly very unhappy about this. Lots of people are saying that you are in denial about the long term future of your relationship. I agree. But you clearly disagree. I would add that I think you are in denial about bad things are for him right now, how unhappy he is telling you he is. I don't think that you owe him sex. But I do think that you owe him wanting to want sex and working things through both with him and alone as necessary to achieve that. You keep saying that he won't leave, but if you love him, why do you want him to stay in a marriage that he is telling you he is unhappy in?

SweetcornFritter · Yesterday 16:17

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 10:28

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

I could have written this OP, unfortunately unless you are are able to give him what he wants more regularly you will have to resign yourself to the prospect of separation and divorce. I had to let my ex go for this reason as I (20 years older than you and post menopausal ) simply couldn’t face it - he is now very happy no doubt having tons of sex with his Philipino girlfriend and I wish them both well.

Italiangreyhound · Yesterday 16:29

OP I agree. I think this is good advice for yourself... "maybe individual sex therapy for me would be useful."

Your dad has obviously influenced you.

I am sure you can rekindle the passion with your dh.

Lilactimes · Yesterday 16:32

Hi @ChitterChatter1987
my husband never had sex with me for 4 years and then i left him.

i think you have two choices.
Initiate a really calm separation and co parent.

Or - once you feel better and baby is older, go through some kind if sex therapy with him in the hope that your spark and physical joy will come back.

As a female who has been rejected i can tell you it is soul destroying. You are o viously not enjoying your husband's advances either.

i hope you can sort it out so you're both happy. Marriages are not friendships unless mutually agreed.

tinyspiny · Yesterday 16:33

You are utterly deluded if you think that your husband will stay faithful in a sexless or low sex marriage , he won’t and it’s obvious because he’s already moaning and you’ve literally just given birth and most decent men would wait for their wife to initiate sexual relations after having a baby .

BatsInHibernation · Yesterday 16:35

Globules · Yesterday 15:13

Maybe OP should see it from her husband's point of view too?

I can't really see that any of her posts are trying to understand his perspective on having such little sex with his wife over many years.

And she's only responding to posts that agree with her perspective.

I feel extremely sorry for the DH in this 'marriage'

Edited
Show quote history

But they've locked themselves into this simple narrative that he wants sex, she doesn't.
He shouldn't just expect it to happen. Maybe that's how it was once, but that's not how it's likely to be after three children, and with one still so tiny.
He needs to try and understand that whilst he has remained largely the same, physically, she has undergone enormous transformations.
Being stroppy when turned down, assuming every cuddle might be an 'in', and refusing to even consider a vasectomy is childish and hugely unattractive.
This is not the marriage he wants, and probably not the one he thinks he signed up for. If he can shift his thinking from 'my wife should have sex with me' to 'how can I rebuild intimacy with my wife?', they might both find the results positive.
I think it probably goes without saying that when they do have sex, she is presumably not having quite as good a time as him. If it was awesome, would she really be happy to live without it?
She says she doesn't want sex with anyone at all, but I think that can become a way of being. A case of switching that side of oneself to off.
Men experience a lot of conditioning that sex should be available to them, without any effort on their part. Then, when it's not, they are often unable to manage that, or reflect on why. I also feel sorry for boys and men, because society has done an absolute number on them.

BurnoutGP · Yesterday 16:37

But all shes said is about her. How she thinks its gross, doesn't like to be touched etc. He will be feeling that. She seems completely unwilling to even think about compromise

Globules · Yesterday 17:08

BatsInHibernation · Yesterday 16:35

But they've locked themselves into this simple narrative that he wants sex, she doesn't.
He shouldn't just expect it to happen. Maybe that's how it was once, but that's not how it's likely to be after three children, and with one still so tiny.
He needs to try and understand that whilst he has remained largely the same, physically, she has undergone enormous transformations.
Being stroppy when turned down, assuming every cuddle might be an 'in', and refusing to even consider a vasectomy is childish and hugely unattractive.
This is not the marriage he wants, and probably not the one he thinks he signed up for. If he can shift his thinking from 'my wife should have sex with me' to 'how can I rebuild intimacy with my wife?', they might both find the results positive.
I think it probably goes without saying that when they do have sex, she is presumably not having quite as good a time as him. If it was awesome, would she really be happy to live without it?
She says she doesn't want sex with anyone at all, but I think that can become a way of being. A case of switching that side of oneself to off.
Men experience a lot of conditioning that sex should be available to them, without any effort on their part. Then, when it's not, they are often unable to manage that, or reflect on why. I also feel sorry for boys and men, because society has done an absolute number on them.

Show quote history

And she shouldn't expect him to just go along with her ban on sex over the past several years that she's turned him down.

But she seems to be implying that he should and he will...

Benjithedog · Yesterday 17:14

BatsInHibernation · Yesterday 16:35

But they've locked themselves into this simple narrative that he wants sex, she doesn't.
He shouldn't just expect it to happen. Maybe that's how it was once, but that's not how it's likely to be after three children, and with one still so tiny.
He needs to try and understand that whilst he has remained largely the same, physically, she has undergone enormous transformations.
Being stroppy when turned down, assuming every cuddle might be an 'in', and refusing to even consider a vasectomy is childish and hugely unattractive.
This is not the marriage he wants, and probably not the one he thinks he signed up for. If he can shift his thinking from 'my wife should have sex with me' to 'how can I rebuild intimacy with my wife?', they might both find the results positive.
I think it probably goes without saying that when they do have sex, she is presumably not having quite as good a time as him. If it was awesome, would she really be happy to live without it?
She says she doesn't want sex with anyone at all, but I think that can become a way of being. A case of switching that side of oneself to off.
Men experience a lot of conditioning that sex should be available to them, without any effort on their part. Then, when it's not, they are often unable to manage that, or reflect on why. I also feel sorry for boys and men, because society has done an absolute number on them.

Show quote history

The OP has had this issue BEFORE SHE HAD THE CHILDREN!!!!

TwinklySquid · Yesterday 17:26

Globules · Yesterday 15:13

Maybe OP should see it from her husband's point of view too?

I can't really see that any of her posts are trying to understand his perspective on having such little sex with his wife over many years.

And she's only responding to posts that agree with her perspective.

I feel extremely sorry for the DH in this 'marriage'

Edited
Show quote history

OP is ten weeks post partum and he’s already hounding her. Sex isn’t a right and I’m disappointed so many women on this forum seem to think it is. Op is a person . Not a fleshlight.

Original poster
ChitterChatter1987 · Yesterday 17:36

To all those who keep highlighting to others that it was an issue before children- to some extent yes it was, but it has definitely got alot more pronounced since we had children (for various reasons)
And regardless of other reasons for me not wanting sex in general, him pressuring me for sexual interactions 7 weeks postpartum is not a fair or appropriate thing to do, which is why people are calling that out.

OP posts:
PubLover · Yesterday 17:37

TwinklySquid · Yesterday 17:26

OP is ten weeks post partum and he’s already hounding her. Sex isn’t a right and I’m disappointed so many women on this forum seem to think it is. Op is a person . Not a fleshlight.

Show quote history

Many of his previous requests were not post partum and the outcome was the same. It's that overall issue we're talking about not this one request.

Sex may not be a right, but if a relationship was premised on it, then it may be a reasonable expectation. In which case, the one who refuses sex should not make the other feel guilty if they want to leave.

VestibuleWeaver · Yesterday 17:42

TwinklySquid · Yesterday 17:26

OP is ten weeks post partum and he’s already hounding her. Sex isn’t a right and I’m disappointed so many women on this forum seem to think it is. Op is a person . Not a fleshlight.

Show quote history

This issue existed before children, and no one has said OP’s DH has a right to sex. I’m disappointed your reading comprehension is so poor.

Globules · Yesterday 17:44

TwinklySquid · Yesterday 17:26

OP is ten weeks post partum and he’s already hounding her. Sex isn’t a right and I’m disappointed so many women on this forum seem to think it is. Op is a person . Not a fleshlight.

Show quote history

I agree that sex isn't a right.

OP has made it clear that she's not had sex wth her husband for a long time because that's what she's wanted.

It isn't fair on her DH that she's made this decision about their marriage.

DH is a person, not just a sperm bank.

Globules · Yesterday 17:46

ChitterChatter1987 · Yesterday 17:36

To all those who keep highlighting to others that it was an issue before children- to some extent yes it was, but it has definitely got alot more pronounced since we had children (for various reasons)
And regardless of other reasons for me not wanting sex in general, him pressuring me for sexual interactions 7 weeks postpartum is not a fair or appropriate thing to do, which is why people are calling that out.

Pressuring you 7 weeks post partum - not ok.

Not having regular sex with him for years - not ok.

Please stop cherry picking OP.

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

VestibuleWeaver · Yesterday 18:02

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

Nope, it’s nothing like that.

PubLover · Yesterday 18:04

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

No-one is saying it's her duty. It's about what she can reasonably expect or demand in the circumstances

outerspacepotato · Yesterday 18:08

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

Hardly.

It's people pointing out that a sexual relationship is an important part of marriage to her husband and it's not to her and that basic incompatibility will wreck their marriage.

She doesn't enjoy sex. It sounds like she could possibly be asexual. He does and is very unlikely to embrace a lifetime of celibacy in his 30s. There's no middle ground here to work with and no compromise. She shouldn't have sex she doesn't want. It's not ok to unilaterally declare she won't have sex with him again and expect him to stay married. Their marriage is already broken down, they just have to live through the rougher part that's down the road.

Italiangreyhound · Yesterday 18:10

OP re "I am definitely more against it now than I was before the last pregnancy and birth (and I think had similar dips during pregnancy and birth of my older children too, although maybe not quite as intense)"

Can I ask if the last birth was at all traumatic? If so, that could contribute to some of your feelings. My one experience of pregnancy was an infection that meant I needed quite a but if help. DH was caring fir me and I felt very very unsexy after the birth.

mtobrokeme · Yesterday 18:16

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

Oooh you must have a special version of Mumsnet! One where you can see more posts than everyone else because on the posts that I can see no one, not a single person, said it was OPs duty. Did they?

tinyspiny · Yesterday 19:09

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

It’s nothing like that , people are simply saying that just because she is happy with a sex free existence her husband obviously is not, so something has to give .

Sunnysideup999 · Yesterday 19:11

Would you open up the marriage ? He wants sex, you don’t (at least for now), you don’t want to split up - so open up the marriage and do both of you a favour ?

KiwiFall · Yesterday 19:17

Olive567 · Yesterday 17:59

What a thoroughly depressing thread. It's like a bunch of 1950's housewives berating OP for not doing her duty.

Not the case at all. Not one person has said she has to have sex when she doesn’t want to. People pointing out that it’s not fair for her husband to be in a sex less marriage when he clearly isn’t happy with that arrangement. If she doesn’t want to have sex (which is her prerogative) then she may have to prepare herself for the end of the marriage. In fact it’s the opposite of a 1950’s stance and we are saying it’s okay for women to say they enjoy sex and it’s plays big part of their relationships.