DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

YOU aren’t another one who hasn’t read the thread. This is a problem going back BEFORE CHILDREN

Funnily enough I didn’t review all your posts, I responded to the one where you asked OP ‘why are you even posting’.

This is such sexist drivel. Many women have also ended their relationship die to lack of sex. It's important to many women..not just men. I'd end my relationship if we didn't have sex

@ChitterChatter1987 the practical advice I would suggest given all your responses are do things within your means. Give yourself a deadline to stop breastfeeding ( I stopped at 9 months as I had to go back to work). And in the meantime both of you make a conscious effort to rebuild intimacy. Have a date night at home - a few nibbles or takeaway , wine, nice movie or board game. Start to get to know each other again, do it with intention. Do the other sexual stuff that isn’t piv. If you don’t want anything sexual from him get him to do a leg or back massage ( under or over your clothes). Reintroduce touch - sexual and non sexual so it’s part of daily life. Your husband fancies you as you are so try and relax and do get some help ( even self help books). Things within means - it doesn’t have to be dramatic but it needs to be intentional.

Until the vasectomy is verified as worked, I think she means.

I don't think your husband can be blamed for not wanting a sexless marriage long-term (short-term with childbirth and breastfeeding is a completely different story).

In my own mind I've always compared libido to plants.
For many people it starts off like a dandelion which flourishes in pretty much any environment.
By the time of your early 30s, it's a basil plant. Probably going to be okay but don't forget to water it.
By mid to late 30s with children/changing hormones and bodies, it's a precious orchid which only flowers with the correct temperature, humidity, minerals, soil, water etc.

I find the equivalent human factors which need to be in balance (for me at least) are diet (lower carb compared to earlier in life), exercise, time to yourself and time for hobbies, hormones (breastfeeding itself can affect libido and cause lactational atrophic vaginitis causing vaginal dryness/itching - easily treated with oestrogen cream) including considering perimenopause symptoms, and a good relationship with partner/date nights out etc.

It would be almost impossible to achieve most of the above with a very small baby but worth working on long-term in case you and your husband can meet somewhere in the middle.

Normally a post procedure semen sample is provided by a man after vasectomy to confirm no sperm are present in the sample. You can safely conclude that there is no risk of pregnancy if the sample is clear and condoms would not be needed for contraception reasons after that point.

Hmm, didn’t expect you to. Just expected people not to make assumptions and just run off on half cooked ideas. Since when is asking someone what they want to get out of a post class as “berating”.

Must’ve missed the bit about the benefits of reflecting on what you’re asking in my last post too

No assumptions - I responded to the literal words in your post, which asked ‘what she wanted’ by telling you what she had already said she wanted.

And in your world that’s classified as berating? Look, there’s more important things in the world, go read a book or potter in the garden or something.

No, she doesn’t like the mess.

Of course, he should not hurry into it. But she has included it in her reasoning for the sexless marriage so it appears to be of some importance. She is likely resentful that he expects access to her body, but doesn't expect to take responsibility.
She might change, if his attitude does.
I think they should take intercourse (and a vasectomy) off the table whilst they build true intimacy.
Intercourse is not the only way to have sex.

Completely. Incompatible sex drives just cause other issues downstream not to mention lifelong resentment both sides.

As I said, maybe wasn’t your intention but it read that way.

You do seem rather angry about…nothing.

But this isn’t the slightest itch, is it? You are saying that you have been feeling this way for years. That you have very different sex drives and needs and that you find sex gross/wrong/a faff and not important (fair enough) but he isn’t wrong for wanting sex to be an important part of a romantic relationship. This isn’t a minor issue, this is one of the main reasons marriages end. Intimacy is what makes a romantic relationship different from everything else, otherwise without that you are just friends.
You need to go to therapy yourself as a start to understand why you feel this way about it all and then you need to address the issue as a couple. You are both so young and being destined to a lifetime of misery because of this is frankly very depressing.

Gosh you come across as selfish OP.

basically you’ve used your poor DH as a sperm bank, cash bank and general life help and give him nothing back emotionally or physically, and probably financially.

please show him some respect and let him go and be a loving husband to somebody that loves, desires, cherishes and supports him back. Your comments about the security of your marriage are naive and just add to how self centred you come across.

If you do see this as a true marriage you need to take some action now to prove it.

I think the issue is that hormones also come into play and we are basically still stone age in our makeup and basic mammals.

• Your brain might know that contraceptives are available.
• Your body is trying to stop you getting pregnant again until you have recovered properly from birth and have nurtured your babies so your hormones are focused on that, not making you want to have sex again to have more babies.
• Your mind and body can override these instincts but not if the conditions aren't there to help you to feel desire and to want intimacy. Personally I'm a fan oven not a microwave. I need a good ten minutes to get to temperature. And I won't work at all if parts are worn out and need replacing, or I haven't been properly maintained. Probably best end the analogy there. 😅

Wrong again mate 🤣

Exactly. And kissing and cuddling shouldn't have to lead to sex either. I would advise restoring affection without intercourse to start with. Intercourse can be a big deal after giving birth.

This. Then I also got endometriosis at 39, and taking progesterone only pill until my mid 40s really buggered up my sex drive. DH is the one with the lower sex drive though and it meant that we are actually better matched.

Maybe OP should see it from her husband's point of view too?

I can't really see that any of her posts are trying to understand his perspective on having such little sex with his wife over many years.

And she's only responding to posts that agree with her perspective.

I feel extremely sorry for the DH in this 'marriage'

This is not about the practical question of whether he's going to leave you. It's about an ethical question: it is fair to hold him to his initial commitment to you? It sounds like he might have committed to you without realising that you'd end up with these somewhat negative attitudes to sex. That means there was a misunderstanding at the commitment stage.

What's the ethical consequence of that? Well, I hope you find a solution to the sex thing that keeps you both happy - but if you don't, the ethical consequence is that you should release him from any sense of obligation he thinks he has to you or the kids (eg you could separate, allow an open marriage, whatever). Anything else would be unfair.

The reason what others have said - for many of us, good sex is not a trivial detail in a relationship but an absolutely essential component of it. It is also reasonable expectation at the beginning of a romantic commitment, unless someone says otherwise. No fault on either side, but if that reasonable expectation has been disappointed, it would be unfair to hold him to his sense of obligation.

I think you've had some good advice from the PP on this thread who recognise what you're actually asking for help with. I agree with you that a good strong marriage can survive without constant sex. Lots of couples have to forgo sex for a multitude of reasons and most of them find ways to make the relationship work. It's clear that right now the amount of sex you and your DH are having (or not having) isn't working for either of you. But it's also clear that both of you want to find a way through this.

If you can't possibly arrange to have couples therapy, I'd look for (or ask someone -- not sure who) a book or perhaps an online guide that you and your husband could read together and then put into practice so that you can find an equilibrium within your marriage so that both of you feel cherished and nourished by each other. I am no expert in this, and have no first-hand experience to recommend, but as a starter, these texts came up as AI recommendations:
Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style by Barry W. and Emily McCarthy: Provides a survey, guidelines, and exercises to help partners understand their individual and couple sexual styles, manage inhibited desire, and realistic expectations.
Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski: An essential guide for understanding the "accelerators and brakes" of the human sexual response system, helping couples decode individual contexts behind turn-ons and turn-offs.
Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Marcus and Ashley Kusi: Offers structured conversation starters and a 30-day/12-month intimacy challenge designed to help partners reconnect across physical, emotional, and sexual spectrums.

Your sex drive absolutely could return. It’s only been 4 months, during which you’ve had a baby, and in the course of a marriage that isn’t long at all.
But there is also the possibility that this is the beginning of the end of your relationship, as loss of physical attraction is a sign.
Four months would however feel a very long time to the person on the non-receiving end.
The thing is, you have had 3 children with this person who you are currently not seeming to be very sexually compatible with, and don’t want much physical contact with, and only you know if you’ve felt that way for a long time, or it is PP hormones / feelings etc.
Sex for pleasure is part of marriage, otherwise you are friends.
Also, Communication is everything, so you need to be honest going forward about what you want and how you feel.

Woah the assumptions in your reply are CRAZY!

1. He wasn't a sperm donor FFS, he wanted our children just as much as I did!!
2. We both work and contribute the family finances thankyou.Not sure where that part has come from as I haven't mentioned finances in any of my posts as far as i'm aware.
3. It's not about 'letting' him be with someone else, as he doesn't want that anyway! He just wants things to be better in OUR relationship.

This is very helpful, thankyou for the support!