DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

You’ve unilaterally decided that your marriage should be sexless.

That’s not reasonable.

You seem practically gleeful that you only had to have sex with him once to have your youngest.

Educate them out of wanting kids even less than they already do then? That'll help the falling birth rate!

Nice caps 😂

Please also see this update from OP and reconsider your keyboard tantrum
ChitterChatter1987 · Today 17:36
To all those who keep highlighting to others that it was an issue before children- to some extent yes it was, but it has definitely got alot more pronounced since we had children (for various reasons)
And regardless of other reasons for me not wanting sex in general, him pressuring me for sexual interactions 7 weeks postpartum is not a fair or appropriate thing to do, which is why people are calling that out.

No, he shouldn't be unhappy in his marriage. Neither should she. Which is pretty much the crux of my comment. I haven't at all suggested he should go along with anything.

You might also remember this, from the OP:

”…I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.”

So, regardless of how much of an issue it was before children, now that the children are here, it’s become more of a permanent arrangement.

I totally agree with this PP. Spot on.

I really don’t believe this is an issue that should end your marriage, but I think it will if you don’t do something about it. That something means teamwork. You both need to sacrifice a little, so you can each receive a little. Have compassion and grace for each other in a really difficult time of your lives.

If people are suggesting he leave her over not getting sex, they are sort of saying it is a right and if he doesn’t get it , he should jump ship.

Maybe that was a bit too nuanced for you..

I don't know if he will leave her. I wouldn't stay with someone without sex, it's very important to me and I just can't imagine lying next to them and not being able to be intimate. I also couldn't live without kisses, hugs and just the odd touch as the day goes on. For some people, physical intimacy is important, less so for others. I do relate to feeling touched out though at the time of young children, and I've definitely enjoyed things more as I've aged and the children are independent and living their own lives. There are many seasons to life, and that's why it's a bit premature to collapse this over this problem when this problem may not exist in this form in the future- who knows what might happen to him, or indeed her. You can't control if someone else wants to leave though, which is why a frank chat (or a few) and some genuine attention on how to bring back intimacy into this marriage is a good idea.

of course don’t have sex if you don’t want to.
but it’s not fair to expect him not to want it or to be happy with your decision that the marriage should be sexless.

also I noticed you said you feel used. Well - maybe he feels used? You were happy to have sex with him when you wanted another baby…

She said previously that this issue had been going on BEFORE Children, Read the bloody thread. She’s said a lot more than this post.

No, they’re saying that there is generally a reasonable expectation of sex in a marriage, not a right. So, he is never entitled to sex, under any circumstances whatsoever, but if he feels that his reasonable expectation can no longer be met, he is free to leave the relationship. Indeed, as we always say on here, anyone can leave any relationship, at any time, for any, or no reason.

You don’t know that. I thought that. Sadly I was wrong.

Op, you seem really sure that he won’t have an affair but I can hear the resentment setting in from both sides. He’s resentful that there’s no sex and you’re resentful that he wants it. Resentment is the biggest relationship killer. So it won’t be lack of sex that leads to the breakdown of your relationship but the resentment.

It’s not just about sex but it’s about intimacy. It’s about showing love and affection to one another. It’s about having a relationship that is different to being with a friend. It’s about feeling wanted and desired. And if he’s not feeling wanted and desired that can lead to lack of self esteem.

i feel that you are getting defensive but people (myself included) are speaking from experience. It’s not about having sex when you don’t want it as of course that it never right but it is about treating your husband as a sexual being rather than a friend. Holding hands, a quick peck on the cheek, a feel of his arse etc. It doesn’t just have to be touch but when was the last time either of you did anything romantic for each other?

Please don’t be so confident that he won’t cheat. I honestly thought that. I posted on here, everyone told me he was cheating and I didn’t believe them. Of course they were right.

Use this as a wake up call to become husband and wife not just flatmates. Work out a compromise that works for both of you. Love each other, appreciate each other and show it.

I’ve been happily married to him for more than 25 years

some couple aren’t compatible sexually to begin with and it becomes much more obvious when they have kids

and he didn’t just leave

he told her many many times he wasn’t happy
but she just thought he would stay because they had kids and a house

lol not at all

I actually get on fine with her and like her
there is no bad feelings between any of us

I wouldn't say it's OK to walk out of a marriage for any old reason, eg the fact you haven't been able to agree how to do up the bathroom. When you marry, you commit to making an effort. You need a strong reason before you walk out.

But I'd say that incompatible desires regarding sex is a strong reason.

Hi OP, congrats on your new baby!

I do think your husband is wrong to badger you for sex so soon post-partum, and to become moody about sex.

However, it does strike me that you speak about sex as if it is just one tiny, fairly minimal aspect of a romantic relationship. Like, I dunno, going to the cinema together. You don't like the cinema, you would happily never go again, but your husband loves it, so you are willing to go occasionally as long as he facilitates it by buying the tickets, doesn't ask you to go when you are tired or stressed etc.

But sex is different. For some of us - for me - maybe for your husband - sex is one of the most pleasurable, wonderful things life has to offer, and sex with someone you love is an off the scale joy, and an absolutely essential to any kind of happiness in a relationship. Sex is a huge deal.

Yet you want your husband, who you do love I am sure, to either live without this or (much worse in a way) accept that the only sex he has, for the rest of his life, is with someone who is not enjoying it and really does not want to be doing it. (If I was him and he knows how you feel, I would refuse sex with you I think).

This is not your fault - you can't help how you feel, and you shouldn't force yourself to have sex you don't want.

But I think what you are asking your husband to sacrifice is huge! I am extrapolating based on my own feelings obviously - maybe he doesn't love and value sexual intimacy as much as I do - but if he does, what you ask is, I think, too much.

If I were you, once your busy is healed I would look into counselling to see whether you could restore your libido. But if you can't, I do actually think you should separate. I know you are adamant that this will never happen. But are you actually happy to deprive the person you love of something so wonderful, for the rest of his life? (Mutually lovng and enjoyable sex with a loving partner - honestly I think one of the greatest joys there is, physically, emotionally, spiritually, on all levels).

It doesn’t have to end the marriage but he mght have the odd affair here and there. That doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage if OP isn’t bothered about that side of things.

@ChitterChatter1987 I think I understand the aversion you are meaning. I am very much similar and it really bothers me and makes me worry for my relationship. It really resonated with me when you said (I think, correct me if I'm wrong) that there are so many possible reasons for feeling how you do that you are not sure which is the main or main ones. I am the same. It'd take a lot to pick it apart, and I can't afford counselling either.

My reasons are -

-Relationship issues. Although I do still love him, OH has let me down at times been irresponsible and his general mood swings are off putting to me. I'm a bit shut off from him in general.
-Being 'touched out' by baby
-Not having any time to ourselves and hardly any time alone to my own self.
-Being in 'mum' mode
-Body confidence is at an all time low after last child. I have a minor prolapse which I'm really self conscious about and makes me feel not great, and also the rest of my body post children. I don't feel sexual nearly as much as I did when younger and more attractive.
-I am prone to UTI triggered by sex and I've had ones which lasted months even years and ruined my life. So I am terrified of that happening again.
-Hormones I think I'm starting perimenopause.
-Very long 20 year relationship a little boredom I think
-Bad experiences of sex previously in my life make it difficult to let go

How on earth am I supposed to unpick all that?! Let alone fix it?!

So I just find myself avoiding him a lot, inviting friends round if we ever do get a chance for time together. It's so sad ):

On writing that I've realised the big issues for me are likely prolapse, fear of UTI, and relationship issues.

I'd (unhappily, but still) never have sex again if I didn't think it would ruin my relationship. I can get over the aversion if it's other ways of intimacy, I think it's actual intercourse I have aversion to. Otherwise I think he would have left already. Do you think you would be open to other stuff, or is it everything? Don't feel obliged to answer and sorry for taking over your thread!

Do you understand what a “right” is?

Hint: if it was a right, he wouldn’t have to leave her, he could just demand it.

It is not acceptable on Mumsnet, or in society generally, to admit to not much liking sex. It is the last taboo. You can say you like any kind of kink, porn, incest - almost anything - and you will get support. But if you're not much into sex, or don't feel comfortable doing it, or aren't very good at it - people will fall on the fainting coach and say your marriage is over. Which is ridiculous given how many marriages have very little sex, despite public disapproval, especially as people age.

People here will say, if there's little sex then you're 'just' close friends, as if that's shameful. Plenty of marriages are built on friendship being the stronger glue than sex, especially after having three children.

Your husband's wheedling, guilt tripping and passive aggressive shtick is also very unattractive and I am guessing it turns you off even more.

Do the best you can. I'm sure you are a brilliant wife in so many ways.

Yeah, I see where you are coming from OP - as I am on the opposite side and I have heard those words before.

Personally, I feel resentful that my life is has more complexity and more responsibilities but less and less of the magic (for me). I find it very hurtful to hear how little this means to my DW these days - and I do feel used at times.

I never badgered or harassed her, I just suffered in silence. We did try counselling and that is useful to get you talking but you will realise you really are not compatible.

Once my youngest has moved out I will do so too. My DW doesn't want this to happen as she thinks I just need to get over it (and we are getting on a bit). I think this is a very old fashioned view - expectations today are much higher and the idea is we all should communicate better. If we knew more before making any life long decisions maybe we would have chosen a different path.

This is one of the hardest things - trying to work out if the other person pulled a fast one (e.g. bait and switch) or that you misread things or misunderstood them.

Interesting isn't it how many of these men end up with Filipino or Thai or Eastern European girlfriends after they leave their families.

Now, why might that be?

Have you never seen 90 day fiance? It's girls looking for a western husband to get a green card the women know what their doing