DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Maybe her husband should see it from her point of view? She’s BF so going to be touched out after being a source of constant need by a baby. She’s also not long had a baby. She has young kids and I bet has a full workload with them.

While he has needs, they aren’t the priority now.

And as for taking it as a compliment he wants to have sex with her: men will fuck literally anything. Animals, children, inanimate objects and even dead bodies. Being desired by a man isnt the be all and end all.

My DH left his first wife who had a similar
attitude, as you
2 kids got what she wanted and no longer wanted sex

at the time my DH was early 30s
he left - he wasn’t prepared to stay in a sexless marriage no matter what she thought

we met and he was honest and open about how much sex was an important part of a relationship

been married 25 years and still have sex 2-3 times a week

his ex wife has never remarried
just lots of short term relationships
3 month. - 1 year max

Your husband clearly isn’t happy with the lack of intimacy

and of course you only 10weeks PP so know us saying you have to have sex right now but a dead marriage / sexless marriage is having sex 12 times a year or less

so I would say that your marriage is in that category

don’t be so sure he won’t fuck around
at the moment he probably feels that all he is is a walking wallet to provide for you and the kids

You want what you want and that’s perfectly valid, but if my partner thought we’d “outgrown sex” I’d leave him. It’s just absolutely incompatible with how I expect a romantic relationship to be.

It’s comments like this that make me glad I am single. The idea of having to schedule a time to be a fleshlight for my partner makes me feel ill.

Sex is important in a relationship but not the most important thing. Men are acting like they’ll die if they don’t get it and use it as an excuse to look elsewhere. I dare say a lot of these men aren’t gods in bed and yet their female partners aren’t looking elsewhere. Instead they are scheduling times in their diaries for this unfulfilling sex.

It sounds like DH needs to be a little more sensitive to say the least and you both need to try a different approach. Things are different after children, these bloody men who think it should all be the same!! These threads always seem to either attract a lot of misogynistic men telling women off or women with serious internal misogyny issues. Certainly people who have never had children or realised what it does to your hormones, internal organs and orifices to say the least or just how fucking knackering that daily grind with them is, particularly when you are working.

Lots of men don't realise there is nothing sexier than a man doing their share of housework and childcare. That you need time to be yourself and not lose yourself in the children. And that you need quality time as a couple together, a quick grope when you are loading the washing isn't going to turn on a knackered, touched-out woman. Some men don't even do the basics of personal hygiene or make any effort with their appearance. Unfortunately I had to spell it out to DH that being clean, clean clothes and teeth is a bare minimum to any intimacy. Whereas a clean, freshly laundered shirt smell (particularly if it's non-iron or you ironed it yourself 😅), fresh out of the shower and a little aftershave is catnip to me.

It's fair enough not to want sex so soon after a baby and it does sound like your DH is behaving childishly.

BUT it sounds like it has been going on for a long time and you have no wish to resolve it in the future. I also wonder at how dismissive/repulsed you sound around sex. I wonder if you feel you might be asexual? For most people, sex is a basic human need, not that dissimilar to food, water, sleep. It isn't dirty or disgusting and it certainly isn't trivial.

I think you need to accept that either things will need to change in some way (in his behaviour and/or yours), or you will have to either split up, or open the marriage. At the moment you seem to just be expecting your DH to accept this, not simply for the postpartum time but indefinitely. Sounds like therapy would be a good idea.

You are acting like you’ve won some sort of prize in having a man who left a wife and kids because she wouldn’t let him fuck her.

He feels like a walking wallet? I bet Op loves feeling like a sex object to a man who can’t give her some space after having a child - who’s she’s breast feeding.

Op can’t control if her husband strays. Pestering her is not on to get what he wants.

It's part of a functioning relationship, but it's a very important part. Many women have ended relationships over lack of sex.

From OP's responses it seems that he has seen it from her point of view for years. What is clear is OP doesn't think sex is important and is quite dismissive about. His wants aren't anything weird, it is very normal for a husband to want to have sex with his wife and vice versa.

Whilst I agree that some men will shag anything, there is also plenty of posts about men not fancying their partners since their body has changed.

I totally get she is feeling touched out now and she is perfectly valid to feel that way, I wasnt trying to say she wasnt. Sorry if it came across like that. 10 weeks is a really short time since birth my response was more directed at the fact she said she has felt this way for years and luckily gets pregnant first time which I took as their sex life has been dwindling for years.

It’s not like that at all for me.

I am very happily married and I want to have sex with my husband who is and always has been lovely and supportive. It’s just that life and circumstances get in the way sometimes and you have to work at it to get things back on track.

As I said, not an approach that works for everyone but it does work for us and we both enjoy it when we have sex.

Quite possibly it has had a big impact- i breastfed my first til 3.5, second til 4, and now baby, so like I said in the OP, i've been breastfeeding for most of the past decade, and it does mean i have no sexual urges whatsoever! However when I was pregnant I DID actually feel some sexual urges but still didn't want to DTD still then, because I really didn't want to get naked, and also because I was exhausted!
I've always been someone who likes to cover up and feels self conscious if i'm not.And yes part of that is that i don't really have a 'slim' figure.I did at one point (19-21ish) and my sex drive was the best then that it ever was, because admittedly I did feel more attractive in that way so probably less embarrassed by being naked.I've never wanted sex in daylight though, only the dark, and i have got increasingly reluctant to do anything other than missionary position due to feeling self conscious too.
So yes I guess as this post makes me unpick it all, I realise I do have alot of issues with it all.

It's probably a much bigger issue for him than he's letting on. I was in a similar situation and ended up cheating. I felt miserable, rejected, frustrated, unloved, and unwilling to insist, beg or persuade, so I just found someone who actually wanted me. I don't think it's anything to do with being male or female or having kids vs not having kids, being tired or not... when my kids were young the thought of sex was even more appealing as a way to unwind and feel loved. If you don't want your marriage to end, you'll have to work on some kind of solution.

Of course there are, but you’re berating the OP for posting if she doesn’t want an open marriage etc, as if there are no other imaginable solutions.

Everyone saying that this is the end of the relationship.... Not necessarily.
My first suggestion would be therapy.
Secondly, if he is not willing to have a vasectomy then no intercourse. I would tell him that as a firm boundary. He needs to take responsibility for contraception under your circumstances. It's much more straightforward than you having an operation.
Plus, you've birthed three babies, he can go through a little bit of fear and discomfort.
Thirdly, you need to start talking, and properly. Build emotional intimacy. Neither of you are communicating effectively about the problem.
Before you throw him to the wolves, see if you can find empathy and understanding for each other.
Although you say you are happy with a sexless marriage, you may feel differently if you can rekindle the attraction.
Try cuddling and touching with both agreeing that it is not going any further (for now).
Tell him you need more from him than sex. If you can build something loving and kind and authentic, you may (or may not) find that it leads to sex being something you want again.
If you like massage, that's a great place to start.

So if I’ve understood this correctly, you think it’s possible that breastfeeding reduces libido (not uncommon) and you breastfed your older 2DC for 3.5 to 4 years each? (Or was there overlap?) So potentially you could be off sex for another 4 years while you breastfeed. Do you really think it’s fair for your DH to go potentially 12 years without sex? Do you think maybe you’re hiding behind the breastfeeding as an excuse for low libido?
I feel a bit sorry for the guy tbh. You only seem to want sex when you want to get pregnant and were pleased when you conceived quickly, no doubt in part because it meant you didn’t need to have sex.
I do think this is a bigger issue than being tired, postpartum etc. Without some sort of compromise, eg would you be ok with opening up the marriage? I can’t see your relationship surviving. Your needs and priorities are too different.

Married 25 years and still comparing yourself to the ex who ‘never remarried’. Sounds like there were lots of people she wanted to fuck, just not your husband.

Because it's important to him. You can't just decide what's important for both of you. Thats awful and very unfair on him.

… um, what 😂 how am I “berating”?? Or saying she has to have an open marriage with no other option? The tangents that people run off with and imagine on here is insane 😂

Perhaps you forgot what you said, or your post came across differently than you intended. OP said she wasn’t interested in an open marriage or affairs or ending the relationship but that she was looking for support and solutions to improve things for her and DH. You asked ‘why are you even posting then, what do you even want out of this’. To my eyes that reads like berating her for not wanting the things she listed. Perhaps that’s not what you intended.

This

Secondly, if he is not willing to have a vasectomy then no intercourse. I would tell him that as a firm boundary. He needs to take responsibility for contraception under your circumstances. It's much more straightforward than you having an operation.

She has told him she's happy with a sexless marriage and it isn't important to her.
No way would I be getting a vasectomy on the off chance she might somehow change in the future, I think he'd be daft to.

I’m a woman but if my husband only wanted sex with me a couple times a year Id also want to split up. I’m 36 with two young children. My eldest didn’t sleep for years but we still had sex. It’s ok for you not to want it but if he does and it’s important to him then you aren’t compatible anymore.

You’re not comparable when it comes to sex. Obviously the default when one partner wants sex and the other doesn’t is you don’t have sex so in that regard you are getting the outcome you want but your husband isn’t. I don’t think sex is a trivial matter and I suspect your husband doesn’t think so either. To me it’s just as importance comparability wise as money, humour, money, wanting children etc. I think maybe you both want different things from your relationship.

But you know it now! Don't beat yourself now and start talking to your partner. If he wants to have sex regardless of the all things you have listed that may mean that they do not matter to him and take that as a uplifting point. Then maybe start having sex in darkness or buy a floaty lingerie.
Try to unpack why you find ot so difficult to be naked? Is it vulnerability or the strick upbringing ? Maybe you need to start looking at yourself in the mirror (naked) every day for 2 minutes and start accepting the body? It could be a beginning of great self-discovery journey. Don't be deflated! This could be a positive turning point of your and your partner journey.

Nope, didn’t forget.
I’d posted about the open marriage as an option prior to seeing OP had mentioned it.

my second reply was to someone saying have an open marriage with kids was ridiculous - generic statement when obviously there are people in the world this works for.

In regards to my suggestions to the OP of open or leave:
She said she’s not interested in an open marriage, she doesn’t want to have sex, physically and mentally is saying that increasingly she’s less and less interested, it’s not something she’s interested in. No one should have sex when they don’t want to, even if they agree to it, just to satisfy someone else’s desires.

Her husband does want sex. And for most it would be a deal breaker and it isn’t fair to expect someone to be in a sexless marriage if that’s not what the want. The OP herself said she doesn’t want her husband to just be there and unhappy.

The OP has said couple therapy is not an option.

You can’t have two people at polar opposites, where either way one is happy and/or doing something they don’t want to do. And, my point being, there’s not actual compromise here. Without couples therapy she has sex she doesn’t want or he gets no sex and gets more and more unhappy. Hence the question about what the OP hopes to achieve from the post, if couples therapy, which is perhaps the only thing that could help find some medium ground isn’t an option, then there’s not really a lot of paths to go down. Sometimes we need reflection, asking the question serves that purpose. Maybe she asked the question because she’s looking for validation or whatever. Sometimes that can actually help, even if it is a bit harsh, sometimes it’s needed.