DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

His body his choice? Or is that only for women and men just have to do it 🤣 op will be back soon because he'll find it elsewhere and she'll have a surprised Pikachu face wondering why also vasectomies arent 100% anyway my dad had one and it didn't work same with my friend her partner had one and she still got pregnant

Would you consider getting sterilised yourself? If fear of pregnancy is a big factor and the main problem if not wanting sex is yours, could you do this big thing to eliminate that fear. You and your husband may never part, but some sometimes the loss is not infidelity, it can be accident or illness. I found sterilisation very liberating and sex drive increased with fear of pregnancy removed. If you wait till kids are not so much of a strain on you physically you may well be perimenopausal and hot sweats and brain fog etc become the new excuse.

@HexedRaven A vaesectomy is far less invasive and much quicker recovery. My husband had one after his first and last was born and it was incredibly straightforward. Would I ever considered sterilisation when a quick snip was the alternative? Absolutely not!

Relationship therapy? They must see this kind of thing all the time. Worth a go before throwing in the towel on a 13 year relationship with the father of your children as others are suggesting.

He shouldn't have a vasectomy as this marriage will likely break down and his new partner might want children.

this! People on here are insane.

If you split over this you'll just replace one set of problems for another.

Finances, housing, access to the children, blended family problems. The grass is not always greener on the other side

Better the devil you know sometimes

An obvious point that has probably already been considered but you do know there are things you can do for him, that don't involve sex itself? Or are you completely off that/ grossed out by it too?

If it's a chore he will absolutely sense that and will probably be put off by it nearly as much as you are. Unless you start talking about it and both sides show some understanding and compromise then things won't get better. Easier said than done I know.

I don't think this is fair. Many of us women have been in sexless relationships/marriages. And, it is very clear from OP's post that - with our without kids, breastfeeding or mental load - she and her husband are not on the same page on sexual intimacy and haven't been for a long time. The suggestion that he get a vasectomy in the circumstances - clearly a deflection/delaying tactic - in the hope that he may get some of the intimacy he craves - is awful and cruel. In my experience, echoed in many of the posts from other women here, lack of emotional and sexual intimacy/compatibility builds resentment and kills relationships over time - whether the one with the low sex drive is the man or the woman. This is not to say that other aspects of a relationship (particularly equal child care/mental load etc) do not have an impact on sexual intimacy - they obviously do.

Jesus, he may be going about it the wrong way but it’s normal for your DH to want to have sex with his wife and you should absolutely split up. Sex is a huge part of marriage. Otherwise, you’re simply in a convenient house share with someone who happens to be the father to your children. Your children will pick up on this cold arrangement as they get older and it will affect them. Or your DH will just find himself someone who doesn’t want to treat him like he’s just there to pay the bills. And I wouldn’t blame him for that to be honest.

I dont think you understand how central to most men and women sex is.

This. 100% this.

I would recommend some therapy for you both. I do not get the impression that you can understand that for many of us a sexless life in a normal relationship would not be something we could accept. It should be possible to reach a compromise if you both work at it, but you do need to acknowledge that this is a big issue and it is not reasonable just to say okay that is it, it is a small issue and DH can now live a sexless life with me. I do not think it will work without effort on both parts.

I do think you could benefit from sex therapy just for your own benefit.

I also have little respect for men who want children, who want sex, but are unwilling to go through a tiny fraction of what they're asking their female partner to go through.

You have done years of pregnancy, three labours and births, years of breastfeeding. Years of contraceptives. If a condom tears you will have to take a morning after pill which causes more painful periods and has it's own side effects. If you have an unwanted pregnancy, you will have to have a termination. Which again, is painful and has risks. Sterilisation for you is more invasive, more risky and carries more future risks.

I don't understand how a man can watch a woman he loves go through bringing three of his children into the world and have the audacity to ask any more of her.

It's a simple procedure. He's asking for sex 7 weeks post partum but he's too scared of two little snips.

Sex at 10 week PP isn't and shouldn't be anyone's priority. However, as this is a long term issue rather than just being PP, I think you need to either end the relationship or have therapy to try and improve. Not right now but in the near future. A relationship without sex is just a friendship. If you don't want sex that's fine but you need to be either single or with someone else who doesn't want sex. The way you've written about him makes it sound like you don't even like him. Do you? What are the reasons for staying together?

You say sex is just a small part of the relationship you have with DH but it's a fundemental part of a marriage. It's what makes being married different to living with a friend. If you don't enjoy sex with your DH sooner or later he'll look for it with someone else. If you just don't want sex with him and you are not physically attracted to your DH you should probably split up and allow him to find someone who is more sexually compatible with him.

It seems trivial and shallow to you but it’s not to him. You saying no to sex (which is a fundamental need in many) is a rejection of him, it’s damaging his self worth, it’s driving a wedge between you both emotionally and romantically

if you don’t want sex - fine, but don’t expect you DH to be fine with not having sex. You’ve two choices really, split up or an open relationship. He will get his kicks elsewhere

Tbh, in his mind he’s prob thinking this relationship is done and even subconsciously wants to keep his options open

Interesting that you mention never cheating on each other in the same breath as saying sex doesn't matter. Sex is something sacred to people in a monogamous relationship, that's why they don't cheat. Sex is the one thing that is only for your spouse so sex with someone else is betraying that one thing that should just be yours. Without sex you're just companions and co-parents, why would it matter if you're having sex with other people?

Neither of you is in the wrong but I feel you both need to unpack this in therapy, and not on the pages of Mumsnet.

Its important to see it from your husbands point of view. It isn't just sex, it is constant rejection from the women who claims to love him.

I understand that your postpartum and dont feel sexy, but your husband clearly thinks you are. Take it as a compliment.

You are perfectly entitled to not want sex. He is equally entitled to want it. If both partners are happy with a sexless marriage then great, but that is not the case here, and what you see as trivial and something you’ve grown out of he sees as fundamentally important in a marriage. I was in a sexess relationship for 6 years (his choice) and it was soul destroying - I felt unloved, unattractive, and depressed - and I was ripe for an affair. Luckily I caught myself on and ended the marriage - a marriage where we’d basically become flatmates.

Don’t ever have sex you don’t want, but in your shoes I’d be exploring options to help get it back on track. As a PP said, there are scores of posts on here where women are blindsided by their partner running off with another woman, and then three posts in it transpires they haven’t had sex for four years.

RTFT

I’m with you- I’d find it a trivial thing to end a relationship over as it’s just part of a functioning relationship. But many men have ended relationships over lack of sex.

I had a bad sex drive with one partner who turned any physical affection into sex. It puts you off. He needs to agree that you can be affectionate without sex.

It sounds like you have a full load and as many women find, this isn’t the height of a turn on .

For those of you who aren’t aware….you can tap SEE ALL on the op’s first post to see ALL her posts.

This has been an ongoing issue for years.