Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and sex issue

511 replies

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 10:28

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

OP posts:
Benjithedog · Yesterday 10:14

Greengage1983 · Yesterday 10:10

10 weeks post partum is nothing. Despite what the NHS says, you’re still recovering, your hormones will mean your sex drive is through the floor, and the baby is still little so you’re no doubt exhausted. I didn’t want sex at all for 6 months after both my children were born, and I had always previously had quite a high sex drive. So it’s not necessarily a permanent situation, and it would be absolutely insane to throw away the whole marriage just because of a short blip. But it’s unacceptable of him to pressure you and emotionally blackmail you in this way.

Read the bloody thread!!!!

VestibuleWeaver · Yesterday 10:18

Headinthecloudsfeetontheground · Yesterday 10:12

This is such a good post: it should be printed out and given to all teenage boys during sex ed and all men at antenatal classes!

Show quote history

Is it? Male apes regularly kill the infants so that the females will stop breastfeeding and go into heat again. Is this a frequent occurrence in humans? Do teenage boys need to be told not to do this?

LejlaKapovic · Yesterday 10:19

but he certainly isn't wanting to leave and break up over it!
For now, maybe...

homehomehome · Yesterday 10:19

You're deluded if you think a man in his 30's will be satisfied tossing off next to his DW and a solitude shag once every leap year, in lieu of regular sex for the remainder of his days .

I remember a similar thread of a woman in her 50's who's DH was no longer interested in sex. The sex disappeared over time with no discussion. The concensus then appeared to be he should have communicated he no longer wanted sex and she should leave the marriage in pursuit of regular sex.

Mischance · Yesterday 10:22

I am just keen to focus on ideas to help us find a compromise and way forward so we can both feel more content with our sex life.

I do not think that can happen while your longstanding aversion to sex is still present. That is what needs tackling.

Your OH loves you and it is difficult for his normal instincts to be categorised as trivial and messy, and for you to be relieved that you conceived quickly so that you only had to have sex a few times.

SurferRona · Yesterday 10:24

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 11:23

But why should sex determine the outcome of the whole relationship?!
It seems so trivial and shallow- we have built 13 years of life together which has in many ways been happy and successful.We do argue sometimes but we always have and aren't having daily rows or anything.The relationship has never been abusive, and none of us would cheat.We both share similar morals and views in many ways.
I know he wouldn't want to end our relationship any more than I would.He just wants me to want to want more sex!
But it is literally one element of the relationship.I'm fine to have it more again once baby is in his own room and we sort the contraception out (we had it about once a month before) its not like i'm saying i'll never have it ever again! And i'm happy to be more affectionate with him if I know it won't always end with him pressuring me for sex.

Edited

You are only 10 weeks post-partum and knackered with two other kids. Sounds like you are both in the trenches right now.

You don’t call the future of your whole family based on how you are feeling right now.

You and he have a lot to unpick- what is intimacy, closeness, stress about conceiving… you both would benefit from some therapy. You were once attracted to him, you can be again.

At the moment you are in the biology throws. Your body is telling you you don’t need sex cos you are nursing a baby already, but it will pass with time and help. I can tell you that a therapist will likely say to put penetration on hold and start with kissing and that’s all- rebuild intimacy so you won’t feel pressure it will end in sex. Then touching etc, but clear lines about where it doesn’t go. That helps build intimacy and desire. There are other options open to you too- how would you feel about an open relationship where DH secures sex outside of your marriage? If he is happy for that- he may not.

If after all this it’s still done, then it is. But you can work on improvement before needing to decide to tear your family apart.

MxCactus · Yesterday 10:25

OP do you think it could be breastfeeding? I absolutely love sex but I have zero desire to do it when I'm breastfeeding. Just wondered if this might be having a bigger impact than you think!

Devilrocknroller · Yesterday 10:29

Naunet · Yesterday 09:03

The thought of him touching me 'down there' at the moment though makes me squirm for some reason

Probably because you had a baby 10 weeks ago!

Honestly i hate how womens natural instincts are minimised and made shameful because a man's must always take priority, its perfectly normal to not want sex when you have young children, its nature's contraception. EVERY ape (and we are apes, as much as some people seem to hate that) takes time out from sex after having a baby.
Gorillas 3-5 years
Chimps 4-5 years
Orangutan 7-9 years
But women are expected to get right back to it because poor menz and their needs. Its infuriating. There is nothing wrong with you, and you should not be shamed or made to feel like youre failing for how you feel. Its also of course normal that he wants sex, but he has to accept, the priority in a relationship, is not always him, its give and take, and 10 weeks after giving birth, its his turn to give a bit.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah, but what about bonobos!! 😂

Strawberrydelight78 · Yesterday 10:33

Get him a vibrating masturbator and tell him to stop pestering you.

Eclipseydo · Yesterday 10:34

Men refusing the snip after a women has carried and birthed multiple children is spectacularly selfish.

I have so many friends who said fine, but there will be no more sex as I am not taking any form of contraception and I am finished with having children.

It was that stark.
It took some time for the men to realise they were serious and would not budge.

But when they did realise they got the snip.

I think he sounds selfish and whiney.
Feeling touched out with 3 children is definitely something I remember.

Being nagged is so unattractive, particularly as he refuses to take responsibility for contraception.

Yanbu.

Eclipseydo · Yesterday 10:34

Men refusing the snip after a women has carried and birthed multiple children is spectacularly selfish.

I have so many friends who said fine, but there will be no more sex as I am not taking any form of contraception and I am finished with having children.

It was that stark.
It took some time for the men to realise they were serious and would not budge.

But when they did realise they got the snip.

I think he sounds selfish and whiney.
Feeling touched out with 3 children is definitely something I remember.

Being nagged is so unattractive, particularly as he refuses to take responsibility for contraception.

Yanbu.

HexedRaven · Yesterday 10:34

I didn’t have sex with my husband for months after my 3rd was born. Tiredness, breastfeeding, low self esteem, the stress of 3 kids age 5 and under. He never got moody once and I really respect him for that. Now 6 years down the line our sex life is great again. I loved sex when we first got together and that has returned even though my body is wobbly and bigger now my husband makes me feel like the only woman in the world that he notices and gives me the confidence.
you talk like you never really enjoyed sex at all and just did it to make him love you or stop him being moody? So I wonder if now you’re confident that he won’t leave you, you’re now showing the real you and hoping he will just put up with the situation. The pyramid of needs includes sex and sexual intimacy as basic human needs so to expect him not to want sex or sexual intimacy isn’t fair at all. I wonder also why you say you don’t enjoy sex? Maybe he’s not completely fulfilling your emotional needs either and that’s why you never really enjoyed sex with him in the first place? I think this all comes down to lack of communication between the both of you, rather than being able to talk to him about your relationship you’re asking mumsnet and his reaction being moody and pressuring you is also his lack of communication as he’s acting childish. I don’t think you should split up as it sounds like the relationship isn’t a bad one but the communication between you from both sides sounds like you need to fix that before anything else. That’s what a therapist would work on, but you don’t need to pay someone. I’m no expert myself but I think actually trying to have a proper conversation about how you both feel would be a start. Both of you could start by writing down positives and negatives about your relationship and why you want to stay together and discussing each one when the kids are asleep. You clearly both want to make it work and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work if you do start communicating xxx

homehomehome · Yesterday 10:35

Posters are putting too much focus on DC3.

OP said she has never had a high sex drive and it has gradually dwindled in 9 years of motherhood. The first two were good sleepers by her admission, and she has given no other reason to account for having a significantly lower sex drive, more than the average mum, in the 9 years before DC3 arrived on the scene.

OP also has a healthy love of her body shape but doesn't like her body being touched. Again this isn't a new development, it was there before and has only strengthened over time.

At first I thought it grossly unfair of DH refusing to get the snip, but it actually hardly seems worth it when sex is so seldom. The alternative of sex with a condom probably feels amazing when you're barely getting any. Also leaves the option of having additional DC in the future if the marriage breaks down, which it will do if a reasonable resolution isn't found.

Confusedmommadrama · Yesterday 10:38

Think everyone is being a bit harsh here. We’re on baby number 2 currently and our sex life has taken a nose dive (3 times in 8 months). Totally different with first baby, as she was a great sleeper, loved her own bed, was a heavy sleeper etc and our sex life actually improved to a couple times a week.
second baby is totally different and we bed share a lot now which takes away a lot of spontaneous occasions I feel. I’m also honestly more self conscious of my body this time around, having two babies pretty close together and clingy toddler plus breastfeeding makes me feel very touched out and last thing I fancy. And honestly we are both just EXHAUSTED so just doesn’t happen a lot now. We also both get bit anxious about conceiving again accidentally, as number 2 was conceived on birth control
however, I know this is just a stage whilst we navigate this part of life and look forward to it improving again soon, but think you need to have that want still, even if for not right this moment!

ClearFruit · Yesterday 10:40

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 15:41

Just to clarify, splitting up, open relationships and affairs are NOT possibilities here 🙈 They are not things either of us would do or want.We are just on different pages regarding this one issue and need support to get through it.Neither of us are looking to end the relationship over it, but I agree at the same time that it can be detrimental long term and does need fixing.

You say neither of you are looking to end the relationship. That is only as far as you know, it sounds like your Husband is very unhappy, and nobody should be forced into a sexless relationship. I wouldn't bank on him putting up with this for too much longer.

MyPurpleHeart · Yesterday 10:47

Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

This isn't just about you having a baby though, this is about you not wanting sex anymore. Full stop.

You have changed the terms of your relationship without discussing it with your partner and you are expecting him to be okay with it.

You don't have to have sex you don't want, and he doesn't have to live a celibate life he doesn't want. Both of these things can be true at the same time.

Whilst you are insistent that splitting up is not an option, maybe your husband quietly feels differently. Its something that is important to him and he may be happier with another partner who has the same kind of wants and needs. As will you.

Open your eyes before you end up 5 years down the line wondering why he went off and found someone else. You know in yourself things aren't right between you, don't expect it to just become the norm because he has a say in his life too.

TheRobotsAreComing · Yesterday 10:49

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 11:30

You do raise valid points here.
It is likely the fact he is acting like a child that is making me resent him.It spills over from general life....such as I asked him to wipe up his biscuit crumbs from the table last night and he moaned about it saying he cleans up my mess.I told him it don't leave crumbs all over the table so that is untrue, and that i would ask our children to tidy up after themselves so expect the same of him!
Things like that do piss me off and probably cause underlying irritation that builds up resentment I guess.
Maybe we need some sort of relationship therapy, but god knows where would find the time or money for it! Theres nobody who can have all our kids together whilst we go for starters!

Edited
Show quote history

It's biologically impossible to find a man sexy when we have to mother them! When he sorted out his emotional immaturity and his ability to clean up after himself your sex life will resume

Blueberriesandbows · Yesterday 10:49

nrp2 · 12/08/2026 10:58

A yes under duress because of what the consequences would be if you said no is rape. And if doesn't sound like you've wanted sex for a significant amount of time but have gone along with it to keep him happy. You really need to leave this charmer because it's not gonna get any better

Oh dont be so dramatic!! A yes is a yes and a no is a no. Ffs

TaupeFinch · Yesterday 10:49

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 10:28

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

This is so sad to read.

You understandably want some control over your body! You're sharing it with your child, yourself and now there is pressure to share it again with your husband in a way you're not ready for and seem to have little long-term desire to do.

Your husband, also understandably wants affection, emotional connection, to have his needs met and clearly has a lot of love and desire for you. I would also hazard a guess his love language is physical touch.

There is nothing wrong with you both wanting these things. But..... it seems as though you really need to talk, as you clearly want different things physically in your partnership, and for you this seems unlikely to be a phase, whilst your husband may not realise this.

It might be useful to explore this with a marriage counsellor as you need support to find a way through this, in a way which is fair and reasonable for you both without anyone feeling pressured into something they don't want.

Madamefroufrou · Yesterday 10:53

BluntButEmpathic · Yesterday 07:33

I agree with you that sex doesn’t need to determine a whole relationship. My DP and I only have sex about once or twice a year because that’s as much as I’m up for at the moment. (Possibly due to past sexual trauma and also perimenopause.) My DP would definitely like it to be more frequent, but he masturbates whenever he feels like it (I’d guess every few days) and we have a very deep friendship. We had a lot of sex in the first few months but after moving in together I massively went off it. We talked about it a lot and it was a problem for a bit, but we both came around to feeling that it’s not a deal-breaker for us. To be honest it probably upsets me more than it upsets him because I crave the additional intimacy that sex brings, but I find the actual act really intrusive. We decided to really talk about it together - we were interested in have couples sex therapy but couldn’t afford it. We both listened to a couple of books about sex (Esther Perel Mating in Captivity was one of them) and for a few months we set aside a time every week to just talk with no screens or distractions. 50minutes - as though we were having therapy but with no therapist! We’ve never “got to the bottom of it”, we’ve just learned to appreciate what we do have. It sounds like you and your DH need to work on communication. I’m incredibly lucky with my DP - I’ve never had such good communication with anyone before. We’ve been together for seven years, living together for 6.5. Talking is key. Btw we don’t have kids together (he has older kids from previous relationship and them being around a lot was another thing that put me off sex when I first moved in) and I can’t even imagine how challenging that must be. But I genuinely believe talking is key. If you find after trying to create space for both of you to talk about how you feel that he’s still behaving like a big baby and having strops about it, then I don’t know - I think that seeps into the rest of your relationship, not just a sex problem, because he’s not behaving respectfully or kindly.

Show quote history

BluntButEmpathic. - good heavens, what hippy dippy irrelevant non helpful fantastical nonsense is this?

blunt and proud you may be but empathic, never

Switchnow · Yesterday 10:54

Devilrocknroller · Yesterday 09:57

So why are you posting? What do you even want to get out of this?

Show quote history

Obviously she wants to get support and find solutions that involve them staying together. Frankly I’m baffled that anyone would think suggesting an open marriage - with three kids including a 10 week old! - is any kind of solution at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · Yesterday 10:54

I’m a big fan of vasectomies as contraception, DH suggested he got one when we were done with babies. It’s safe and extremely reliable. However, if I’d asked him to have one and then insisted we always used condoms after he got the all clear that it had worked I can see why he wouldn’t have been keen. Because it’s pointless. The point is that neither party needs to use additional contraception again. If you’re not having sex at all I can also see why a man wouldn’t rush to a medical procedure on the promise that he might one day have sex again but only maybe.

Devilrocknroller · Yesterday 10:58

Switchnow · Yesterday 10:54

Obviously she wants to get support and find solutions that involve them staying together. Frankly I’m baffled that anyone would think suggesting an open marriage - with three kids including a 10 week old! - is any kind of solution at all.

Show quote history

It might surprise you to learn about the world, but there are people in open relationships who have kids… Also, if he wants sex in the marriage and she doesn’t want to have sex, that’s a stalemate, there’s no meeting in the middle solution there

Blueberriesandbows · Yesterday 10:59

ChitterChatter1987 · 12/08/2026 10:28

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

This is very said to read. I could have written parts of it myself a few years back except only 1 child and work and life meant I was never in the mood. We talked a lot. It got to the point that I realised I will lose him if I couldn't make the effort and out our sex life and marriage first and I committed to working on it. Started slowly- if I wasn't all in the mood we would take it slowly and just kiss and cuddle and one thing led to another and I actually found that i like and enjoy sex when it happens I just struggle to get myself on the mood. We are still not average as in doing it twice a week like most (that's what u read anyway) but we manage once a week now and pur relationship is strong and massively improved. It's not something a man that loves a woman can live without and I think very few men will be able to never do it. I think u need to explore how u would feel if he left or your marriage broke up over sex. Would u wan to be on your own. I realised I didn't and had a wonderful husband and wanted to keep him! My hormones also played a big role and I got them sorted. Its slightly different for u with a youngster but u need to realise this could break your marriage. There is no right or wrong they're is just what u want . Btw 18 months out of 9 years ?? Do u breastfeed till about 5 years and up? I do think breastfeeding puts you in mother mode snd sex is rhe furthest from your mind so I get it !

HexedRaven · Yesterday 11:02

if you definitely don’t want any more children have you not considered getting sterilised yourself? X