DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

Have you even read the thread? The OP has said this had been going on before they had children. No one in their right mind is suggesting she have sex 7 weeks post delivery to keep the man happy. It’s an long time issue.

Op, the marriage will not work
He wants sex and it is asking a lot for him to do without sex indefinitely and probably permanently
My sister in law is in her late forties and is divorced from her husband because at the age of 45 she told him that she had ‘retired ‘ from sex but would not agree to an open marriage

I feel really sorry for your husband and frankly you come across as very selfish.
It is not unreasonable for your husband to want to have sex with you, it is part of a a healthy marriage, you both sound incompatible and I suspect that your marriage will not last if you don’t get some counselling PDQ

You’re entitled to not want sex. But he’s equally entitled to want sex. It seems like your needs no longer align. It’s unreasonable for you to expect him to not have sex. So suggest an open marriage or look at amicably ending things. The pushing you so close after giving birth is bad, but it has been a long time. And you say his physical outlet makes you feel used - he probably feels you used sex when it suited you - to make babies. You don’t work together anymore unfortunately.

I love this, thanks for sharing 💗

My friend was like this after three kids by her mid thirties just didn't want sex. Her DH then had a series of affairs for the next thirty or so years. She suspected, but buried her head in the sand. Her children figured it out but said nothing.

Their marriage worked in its own odd way until she died. He's courting again in his 70s. He doesn't like being alone.

I don’t think you know what your husband wants I fear thst you are in for a big surprise

You do sound cold and unaffectionate with your husband. And it sounds like your entire identity is firmly "mum", so much so that you've lost your identity as "wife" as "individual". I personally don't think you're doing your kids any favours by neglecting your role as "wife" and "individual", because what they have is an unhappy dad. I'm not saying you're responsible for your husband's happiness, but it sounds like you're quite self-absorbed and only care about what you want. But you're married, so you should also care about your husband's wants...

If you don't want to have sex, but your husband does, you either need to be willing to find out why you don't want sex, and do something about it, or you need to let your husband go. He's clearly not happy in your marriage, and it's probably only a matter of time before he starts to either resent you, leave you or cheat on you. All 3 scenarios aren't great.

I’m sorry OP but you are cherry picking the replies you like all based on your post delivery status when in fact the problem has gone on before you had children as you said in a previous post. No one is suggesting you have sex 7 weeks post delivery to keep a man happy as that would be insane, the comments are relating to the issue you had BEFORE you had children.

It seems this has turned into abit of a debate as to whether my husband will or should cheat on me/leave or not 🤦‍♀️ with multiple posters assuming this is some dealbreaker for him as to whether we stay together, which simply isn't true.It is one aspect (albeit an important one!) that he is unhappy with, but he certainly isn't wanting to leave and break up over it!

I am just keen to focus on ideas to help us find a compromise and way forward so we can both feel more content with our sex life.Thanks for those who have given useful advice in relation to that :)

I get why he’s coercing you, or trying to, which is actually a crime !

but why so many women on here doing the same ?!

yuk and dissapointed on so many women on this thread

Absolute nonsense.

Just to offer some thoughts from my experience which may or may not resonate. We only have the one child but I remember when she was younger being completely knackered and kind of in survival mode. Sleep was such a prize. I went back to work when our DD was 10 months but was able to work flexibly. My DH’s job was out of the house, long hours and high stress. I feel we drifted apart then and it’s partly because your experience of the day is just so different. I was resentful he was out of the house so much, he saw things as I was lucky as I had more time with our DD. And we were kind of both right. But we were both so entrenched in our own versions of things that we didn’t appreciate that, and it was more about just getting through each day and both feeling frustrated and unappreciated. There came a point that we talked honestly about things and really heard each other properly rather than just focusing on who was ‘right’. I think there were a few things that made a difference. Doing little things to make each others life easier or just showing you see them eg bringing a tea in bed in the morning, sneaking in a ‘date’ if we get an unexpected hour or so to have a coffee, buying a chocolate or cake you know the other likes, splitting house jobs better, as well as having more intimate conversations that go beyond the day to day practicalities. I can honestly say I love my DH more than ever. I feel he knows and understands me so well and the same for him re him. This is significantly different to that earlier point when we were in survival mode so things can really change.

@idril your advice seems very good! OP it sounds like youre tired! Maybe once the baby is a few months older schedule some time for you. If you feel self conscious of your body a little exercise can make you feel great. Maybe a gym or a class, a book group.. just something regular for you and maybe a scheduled date night for you and your husband too? Would that help? Sounds like you are going through those years of seeming more like a team working together than a couple...I know the feeling! Just a little break from life might help? But if you dont want sex with him then is the attraction gone for good?

Couples therapy so your husband can understand your view, fears and beliefs.

I think it is significant what you have said about your upbringing, it really leaves a mark even when we realise that is rubbish because the foundations of your values and beliefs are somehow interlinked. Maybe that is the reason that you treat sex more procreation than opportunity for closeness and connection.
Maybe communicate to your husband that you realise that there is something about your views, deep rooted convictions that you need to address but you both need to work on it. He needs to gove you time.

I really agree with the idea of sex therapy for yourself. Maybe not until your baby is a bit older, but you could at least discuss it with DH and make a plan for it.

It seems like you're not really getting fun, joy, connection from sex, so of course you don't want it very often. But your reasons (wobbly bits, finding it gross) are not universal - many women love sex just as much as men do, and see it as an integral, life-affirming part of a romantic partnership. I think individual sex therapy - or even just reading books about this stuff, to start with - would help you slowly unpick that. This would be great not just for your partner, but for you too, you might discover a whole side to physical connection that you cut yourself off from before.

So why are you posting? What do you even want to get out of this?

Even if this is true, the male chimps will be shagging a load of other females throughout the pregnancy and once the baby chimp is born, so I'm not sure this is a benchmark we should be using!

Its not fair to pressure him into getting a vasectomy given that you are probably going to divorce and he may meet a partner who wants children.

It’s trivial to you but obviously not to him. Neither of you are wrong.

This always comes up. It's a way of shutting down conversations.

Nobody needs to have sex they don't want. But there are consequences for taking sex off the table with no discussion and expecting the partner to suck it up and that can't be brushed under a rug. No matter how much you shout coercion.

Just have the conversation.

I think it’s completely natural for a woman who’s just grown a human in their body to not want sex for quite a while. I also think when you are emotionally giving everything to your children, as you should be, there’s little left for a partner. All normal.

In my experience my sex drive, and my husband’s has ebbed and flowed over the years. Sometimes (especially when our kids were young!) we were pretty incompatible in this area. Sometimes he was frustrated, sometimes I have been.

As we’ve aged there’s been periods of illness, pain, stress, ED and the demands of children which have caused issues. As a younger man DH was pretty forthright about his wants and needs. As an older man, he’s much more understanding (having experienced times where his sex drive has dipped). As a younger woman I felt pressured, as an older woman I’m much more confident that I can articulate my needs (or lack of them).

So, I think you can get past this. But you do need to talk to each other at a neutral time, not in the heat of the moment. Easier said than done in the thick of new babies, I realise.

I also found I felt more sexual when I wasn’t entirely defined by being ‘someone’s Mum’. So try and take time to be you, and a couple. Not a Mum and parents. Again easier said than done!

I do realise there are some couples where one person decides they are no longer having sex, enforcing celibacy on the other partner. That’s a couple who need to split.

10 weeks post partum is nothing. Despite what the NHS says, you’re still recovering, your hormones will mean your sex drive is through the floor, and the baby is still little so you’re no doubt exhausted. I didn’t want sex at all for 6 months after both my children were born, and I had always previously had quite a high sex drive. So it’s not necessarily a permanent situation, and it would be absolutely insane to throw away the whole marriage just because of a short blip. But it’s unacceptable of him to pressure you and emotionally blackmail you in this way.

This is such a good post: it should be printed out and given to all teenage boys during sex ed and all men at antenatal classes!

I think most of the advice on here to leave him or collapse the marriage is not good.

You have been in 'mum' mode this past decade as that's what you have been doing!

However, this has led to a fairly sexless marriage and at some point this is likely to either need to change as your husband doesn't want that, and you might change your own mind.

Right now, you have a 10 week old. This is not the time for restarting your sex life. However, your husband feels like the right time is never going to happen- not during pregnancies, not between kids and not after birth either.

I would do two things:

1. Take his statements about not wanting a sexless marriage seriously. He doesn't want to pack up shop in his thirties. You might not either, once you are out of this very intensive, over-touched out, stage of life. Tell him you hear what he is saying and will be addressing it, but perhaps now isn't the time immediately after birth.
2. See if you can do something like the Bruce Mazik one on how to improve relationships in terms of intimacy in the widest sense of appreciation and love, not just sex. It's been super-helpful for me to think about non-sexual touching, he starts from the basis that you don't need to fix your communication first, then start fixing your affection- you need to up the amount of close attention (e.g. looking into each other's eyes, giving each other a non-sexual hug in the morning, affectionate touches) before communication can improve.

You are not just opting for a sexless marriage, it's one devoid of affection for your husband and that's an awful place to be for either gender, I would hate this so much and feel completely terrible if my partner didn't want to touch me or hug me or kiss me.

This is fixable, and this is not the time to do it, but I think if you start to make this a shared goal in your marriage- how do we start to reclaim some of our couple time, how do we improve our affection and closeness (not just sex!) then this becomes less you and he at war over this, but you and he on the same page. Waiting right now then becomes part of that plan rather than just an endless time in which, yet again, he's not having sex and you feel touched out and disintereted in him- it is on the way to somewhere closer and better in the future. Talk to him.