DH and sex issue

[ChitterChatter1987]

Me and husband are late 30s and have 3 young children, youngest is 10wks old.All are lovely of course, but all very demanding in their different ways.

I have never had a very high sex drive (despite husband keeping going on about how things were 'different' with me in that department years ago 🙄) we are lucky that we conceive very easily.However since having children it has decreased more and more over time.I have been a mum for over 9 years now, both my older children have never been great sleepers, and out of that time have spent probably 18mths not breastfeeding which obviously does impact sex drive too, although that isn't the full story, as also I don't like being naked, having my body touched, and this has increased as i've got older.I'm abit overweight and have wobbly bits but don't 'hate' my body, quite the opposite as i think it is more amazing than before I became a mum, as it has grown and birthed my babies! However it does make me feel self conscious him touching me.
Sounds wierd i suppose, but I just feel like I have 'grown out' of sex, like me and DH have been together long enough that we just tick over, with abit of affection when time allows and I find connection through sharing experiences and conversation.I don't feel comfortable without my clothes on and find sexual acts and the mess etc all quite gross.

HOWEVER husband does not agree.
We haven't had sex much since before I was last pregnant....DS was conceived after just one episode of unprotected sex (which was great for me, not so much for husband!) During pregnancy I felt too tired by the time the kids were in bed.
We last DTD in April as we had a night away together (first since having kids) I know this is awhile ago, but there are very little opportunities other than 10/11pm at night when all 3 are finally asleep and by then I just can't be bothered with the faff of it all.
Now, i do still feel tired after having them all day (summer hols) and also i personally just don't feel comfortable doing it with DS sleeping next to us.

Husband tried to initiate sex when baby was 7wks (so I was barely past the point of even being able to HAVE sex going by NHS recommendations) I declined and he got all moody and started trying to guilt trip me which I didn't rise to and put him firmly in his place about.But same thing happened last night (baby now 10wks) when i didn't want him hugging me without a bra on as I know it would turn him on, and i want my boobs off bounds whilst breastfeeding which has always been the case so he knows that.He got all moody and actually said he feels like it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to share a bed with me and also he keeps calling me 'cold' which feels really unfair! I'm not cold i just don't want sex!
He says its not about 'getting his kicks' more the emotional connection, but then has said it's a 'physical outlet' for him which makes me feel used.
When I decline it he says things like 'well you're clearly not attracted to me then' etc despite me telling him on countless occasions that it's not that (i don't want sex in general, not just not with him)
I just feel like i can't be doing with his demands, neediness, pressure, making me feel bad etc and have told him that its putting me off even more.I will admit I don't kiss him much either, but that's because he then always wants it to become sex.He doesn't have any adults he is emotionally close to other than me which probably doesn't help but I feel it isn't my fault or job to pick up the pieces from that.
I say that it's not forever, but at the moment i'm just not feeling like it and won't be forced to do something i'm uncomfortable with, then he says all sarcastically 'No i don't want to anyway now it's fine, let's just forget about it' etc.
(Then brings it up again afew weeks later!)
We also have issues with contraception as hormonal contraceptives cause me to have PMDD symptoms so I have to avoid them, and he won't get the snip, however I want to use 2 methods doubled up now that we have both decided we have had enough children, as we are very fertile and personally I could never have an abortion. The coil is the only thing on offer around here that isn't hormonal, but ive had a couple of friends who had horrid experiences with it and have heard it's painful having it put in. To be honest, I feel like if DH wants sex so badly he should get a vastectomy and use a condom, as i would only really be doing it for his benefit...I feel like I could live without it long term if he wasn't fussed.

I get it's abit frustrating for him but I have no issue with him masturbating, and if the kissing etc didn't always mean expectation of sex, I would be more keen to show him more affection in other ways.I don't know how to resolve the situation.He is a great dad, practically hands on and a supportive and caring husband in many ways.

But it is important the intimacy is a huge part of marriage!!!!
It's sounds like u want the benefits of marriage without the intimacy and that's not really fair to to your DH in that situation .
I do agree he should not be pestering you whilst so early after having a baby but this seems more than a post pregnancy problem ❤️

Thankyou- He has suggested just touching etc rather than penetrative sex, and maybe we could start with me just doing that for him, which i would be fine to do, although i know he would prefer if if it was both ways.The thought of him touching me 'down there' at the moment though makes me squirm for some reason.Although our sex life has never been great especially post children, that isn't something I felt anything like that intensely before this pregnancy and baby, so it does make me wonder if the increased strength of my reluctance to do it whatsoever at the moment is related to postnatal hormones etc.

And it's not just that i'm purposefully not having sex with me as he has 'done his job and given me children' as one poster suggested 🙄 (we have given each other children and we both wanted them!) as i was never that up for it before or inbetween children anyway! We are fortunate that we conceive easily so it didn't take a whole lot of sex to have our 3 children.

No, you’ve never stopped to consider that a woman who is postpartum, sleep deprived etc will be feeling very intense emotions right now and that may not be how she feels in ten years time. This isn’t the time to be contemplating how your sex life is going to look over the next 25 years.

If she went to her community midwife or GP with this….you think the advice would be- divorce or get therapy? As if!

Awful responses from posters that have zero insight.

Not sure he is fortunate that you conceive easily

A combination of the two i think....I am definitely more against it now than I was before the last pregnancy and birth (and I think had similar dips during pregnancy and birth of my older children too, although maybe not quite as intense)

Maybe not in the fact it meant he didn't get much sex to do so, no.....
But what i meant was that we are fortunate we have not had difficulties with our fertility, when we both really wanted to have a baby!

"It does just feel like a chore to me, I guess because I don't see it as a priority and essential factor of our relationship, and also because it makes me feel embarrased and exposed"

This is a situation that has clearly prevailed for many years, not the product of intense, postpartum emotions.

No, it's "entirely normal" for MN users IME.

Myself and several friends were going back to having sex 2-4 weeks after babies.

Lots of women love having sex. It appears a high proportion of MN users don't.

The tough hard truth is that if your marriage breaks up your life will be much more difficult as a single parent.

I absolutely understand about not being up for it at 7 weeks post-partum and if my husband had suggested such a thing I'd have probably tied a knot in his testicles. My husband was just grateful I was alive at 7 weeks.

I understand that if you've had vaginal deliveries, inserting an IUD is a lot easier. I have had c-sections and despite the supposed effect of hormones on what the consultant described as my thick and unyielding cervix, it was quite unpleasant. On the other hand, once it was in I had no problems with it all. As long as you check your strings every month it is a very reliable method of contraception. I mean perhaps you could double up with a spermicide for extra insurance.

I think you need to talk to your husband and perhaps come up with a plan and compromise. I can't imagine any woman being madly crazy for sex when they have a 10 week old baby. Maybe think about a six months timetable and see if can get somebody to take the children for the odd Friday night or Saturday and go out to dinner and have a night alone.

I think your husband is being a bit of an arse but looking after three children on your own is no picnic. My husband worked off-shore a lot when our children were young and I had two small children and a full-time job and I was utterly exhausted with doing all the childcare for months at a time.

It's important to your DH clearly.

Ok so as someone who did leave my ex husband when our baby was 10 weeks old I don’t recommend this unless in cases of absolute necessity and abuse, so people urging her to leave him, as if it’s that simple, come on.

My take aways:

• You are still very much in the depths of post partum and now is not the time for him to get all uppity about sex.
• That said, it’s clear that this an underlying issue of generally incompatible sex drives even without the post partum wrinkle.
• He should get the snip. Clearly pregnancy is a major issue (as it is for all of us) and you don’t get on with hormonal birth control. If he wants you to be more amenable to sex and more in the mood then he needs to get the snip if it’s that’s important to him.
• Once you’re out of the fug of post partum (a few months perhaps) you should see a sex therapist together. I know it seems embarrassing and awkward but sex is a monumental part of relationships for many people. It is for me and it sounds like it is for your DH too. It’s not fair to ignore that and expect him to settle for sex several times a year when his base line might be several times a month.
• That said, a sex therapist would also hopefully teach your DH that you aren’t a blow up sex doll ready to go when he is. He needs to create an atmosphere where you are more open to sex and turned on, not lying down and opening your legs because he’s thrown a tantrum or seen a glimpse of your tits and gets excited like a 14 year old boy. You should be an equal participant in this.
• You’re both too young to compromise on something like this. And as you know, it is a major issue that won’t go away.

You therefore have 4 options:

1. You make yourself have sex more after post partum period is done (not ideal).
2. He learns to live with less sex than he wants (more ideal than you being forced into sex but not ideal for his happiness).
3. You meet somewhere in the middle and find a compromise. This also involves him actually attempting to engender some desire in you rather than stamping his foot like a whiny child. I don’t know any woman who gets turned on by a man child.
4. You break up.

The less often he gets sex, the more likely any overtures will have him wanting sex. Stands to reason. Poor guy.

Sex isn’t important till there’s none, and an incompatibility arises. It’s a normal part of marriage and he is not unreasonable in wanting it, especially since it’s not that you have any illness or condition that makes it painful etc,

It’s not fair on him . I know modern thinking is you never have to do it again if you don’t want to..and you don’t if you let him go. Sex is part of marriage unless agreed otherwise. I’ve often gone along with it when not really in the mood because I loved the man and wanted him to be happy. Just as he will do something for me even if he’d rather go fishing. It’s not difficult and hardly a lot out of the day. Doesn’t have to be in bed, either…beds are for sleeping in. Sex in bed is boring.
He must feel so unloved. Used as a baby making machine then dumped. If it were the other way round, I wonder what the replies would be.

OP, when was the last time you 2 were a couple? Not parents getting through stuff together but you and him regardless of the kids? When was the last time you sat and chatted about anything other than next nursery event, who needs new clothes and who did the vacuuming last? Or last time you just laughed together? I find it neigh on impossible to have sex without that connection and it needs to be solid and just there, not something you go looking for with a magnifying glass. It is also hard as hell to find time to rediscover it when the kids are tiny and constantly need you.

I reckon the truth is probably somewhere in the middle about your recollections of intimacy pre baby times- it would have been easier, there would be less to organise, less mental load to manage.

Things that personally bother me is one, the narrative of thinking of sex as essential to a romantic/married partnership - it might well be, but calling it “essential” firmly pops it on my to do list and when I have a sliver of time to relax I do not want another chore. I want to just be, I want to be cared for for once, I want to be cosy and rest not be active- so you need a different framework- not disposable, not essential- it needs to become something that makes you feel good and loved (and I’d say that’s exercise for both of you to figure out how to achieve that, maybe to start with you don’t need full sex you need him taking care of your needs).

Two, it’s the: “I’ve done contraception, I’ve done babies so now he can have vasectomy”- I mean sure, makes things feel equal and so on…but if he is so resistant to it (and arguably, it makes sense to be resistant to surgery when you’ve had no procedures and nothing to base the recovery idea on. I had my tubes tide after my section, don’t know if I’d volunteer for it if I wasn’t having a section) and absolute assurance of no pregnancy is essential to you, what are you going to prioritise- getting him to do something for it or being comfortable in bed?:) I am not saying you should have your tubes tide if you don’t want to, especially so soon after birth, just that thinking of it as: “this is the one thing he could do for us and won’t” isn’t necessarily helpful. Surgery is, objectively, scary.

Could you start low key? It definitely helps to tell him that he needs to stop with the any sort of touch leading to sex - it just means you will start looking for some old fashioned bolsters to put between you - the expectation is a drain. Try going back to basics- cuddling while watching a movie, daily kisses, playing card/boardgames once kids are in bed (cards are better as can be played from the sofa!), massages with no assumptions of things going further.

I also think you say all the “right” things, like: “my body is amazing for birthing three kids”- but you don’t necessarily feel it, from the way you talk about it in other parts. You need to learn to love your body no matter how wobbly it is, not just for its capabilities but for the way it looks, it’s not separate from who you are. What I find can help is having 5minutes to just put a body balm on and actually be present for it, see yourself, not through the lens of society expectation, just as being you (or if the body balm feels gross, even shower gel when washing). Your husband already does- he clearly loves all of you.
It seems like you’ve also discovered in this thread that you’re not necessarily sensorically aversive to sex, that it’s more of a learned thing from your childhood, so I would personally want to sit with that longer.
As for your husband, he probably does need to do more around the house and with the kids (the crumbs wouldn’t bother you if it were a genuine 50/50- cause you’d pick up missed crumbs and he’d pick up a sock from the floor that you missed). Fb seems to have new male content creators that explore that female side of relationships from a good guy’s perspective (those “I thought I’ve been doing great…boy was I wrong” guys) and it can really help to make men realise how much they’ve been missing.

Congratulations on your new baby, OP. I think it's important for both you and your DH to remember that you've got three young children (one very new!). How you're feeling now, isn't how you're going to feel in two years from now. It's a period of your life, but when your body has recovered, you're sleeping through the night (!), you will probably feel differently. You will probably also feel differently if you know there is no risk of another pregnancy, which is another reason for your DH to reconsider a vasectomy. Neither of you should be pressured into doing anything that you don't want to do (sex or snip), but a friend once said to me that her husband chose to have a vasectomy after recognising that she had done the years of hormonal contraception, the pregnancies, the births, the breastfeeding, etc. and that it was a way for him to take his turn (not suggesting they are comparable, but it struck me as a good way to look at it).

You can go to the GP and ask for psychosexual counselling. I don't think it is healthy for a relationship to not have any sort of sexual intimacy ever. 10 weeks postpartum is understandable of course but you can't expect him to never have that with you ever again. You can both find things you'd both enjoy. Successful marriages have sex once a week. Look into research if you're interested.

Exactly. I don’t know what I’ve read here! No wonder the divorce rate is so high if people think like this.

This let him go, I can’t comment cause I’ve never been one to lose or have low sex drive but I couldn’t put my partner through it

You plainly haven’t read the thread. This has been going on well before baby arrived

It’s SO much more than physical frustration for a partner in the DH’s position. The marriage is untenable unless there can be intimacy.

This is not a post partum problem.

The OP is describing an aversion to sex which is inevitably going to be a long term problem in a marriage. It is a problem that will need facing if they are to provide a happy home for the children.
Where one partner sees sex as trivial and messy then there is a big mismatch.

I think it is absolutely possible to be 100% certain that your spouse would never cheat on you, no matter what, so ignore all those telling you otherwise!

I haven't read all the comments but I have read your replies and I don't think you've answered this if it has been mentioned. Have you considered scheduling sex for maybe once a month (or however frequently you feel comfortable doing so)? You could choose a time when you're least fertile and insist DH wears a condom to minimise the chance of an unplanned pregnancy if he is that reluctant to get a vasectomy (although I'm sure they can't be as painful as childbirth!!). He might feel better knowing he's got an evening to look forward to, instead of anticipating you saying no forever. You will know it's coming up, so you can mentally prepare yourself. Also, if he knows sex won't be happening unless it's on the calendar, it may allow for more low level intimacy - you mentioned that you don't even like kissing him at the moment because he hopes/tries to take it further, but if he knows sex is scheduled for a future date he might be able to stop and just enjoy kissing for what it is.

The thought of him touching me 'down there' at the moment though makes me squirm for some reason

Probably because you had a baby 10 weeks ago!

Honestly i hate how womens natural instincts are minimised and made shameful because a man's must always take priority, its perfectly normal to not want sex when you have young children, its nature's contraception. EVERY ape (and we are apes, as much as some people seem to hate that) takes time out from sex after having a baby.
Gorillas 3-5 years
Chimps 4-5 years
Orangutan 7-9 years
But women are expected to get right back to it because poor menz and their needs. Its infuriating. There is nothing wrong with you, and you should not be shamed or made to feel like youre failing for how you feel. Its also of course normal that he wants sex, but he has to accept, the priority in a relationship, is not always him, its give and take, and 10 weeks after giving birth, its his turn to give a bit.

You need to read the OP latest post

You’re asking him to have a vasectomy but won’t have a coil because fitting it might be painful. You could have a tubal ligation, if you’re certain you don’t want more children.

Probably some individual and couples therapy needed. If he’s not close to any other adults how can he talk to anyone else about… well anything. It sounds like you’ve got into mothering mode, asking him to ‘wipe up his biscuit crumbs’ like he’s a child. Yes mess is annoying but there’s ways of addressing it. He sounds a bit thoughtless, trying to initiative sex 7 weeks after the baby, and being unable to hug without becoming aroused. It’s probably fixable but you both need to have an honest conversation about it, and it’s hard to do that at home without guidance.

But women are expected to get right back to it because poor menz and their needs.

You are ignoring the fact that many women want to get back to it too - some one this thread even said after 2 weeks!
It's not all about "the menz", many women want sex too.