HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

Op that’s a prolonged attack. And then he was fine afterwards. The most dangerous time is when you leave. Please consider speaking to the police. Call the non emergency line and ask to speak to the domestic abuse department at least. Or call a domestic abuse help line at least.

By leaving and going to your Mum, you risk your son not really believing what his dad is- a wife beater.

Your son is clearly being told another version of events by his dad. How hard it's going to be for him if you leave. He will walk a tightrope- not being able to leave as he's not working- but having to live alongside his violent dad.

I am 100% behind you but this is too much for a son of 19 to cope with.

His dad will continue to minimise what he did and blame you. He may even say your leaving is 'proof' that you are the one in the wrong.
Or minimise it and say your marriage didn't work out.

The police will also query why there is a delay in reporting this. I'm not convinced you ever will.You should report this now and your H needs to leave.
You and your son need stability and a chance to deal with this trauma in your home, together.

I hope you can find the strength to do this.

This would not be a non bailable offence though (I am not saying I want it to be, just stating the facts) - reality is he is taken to the station for questioning and grilling, the facts are that both times it is my word against his - so he would be let out on bail immediately and he has enough to pay even if it is in 000s and come out within a day or two. Even if he is restrained from moving back in here, I can imagine a temporarily homeless and reported-to-the-police him would be furious against me - enough to do much more harm if he loses control again.

The scary truth is that when he hit me - he did it despite knowing he could lose his job, his freedom, his non-criminal record status all in a few minutes and yet he did it - he did it for as silly a thing as minor annoyances as me trying to shut out of a group someone he likes a lot.

What would he do to me and potentially DC if he really had a reason to be angry, like being told by the police he could not come back to his home, and he had to appear before a court for assault charges?

He is 56 - him getting with a young woman who would be tricked into believing he is a good man if I do not report him is a very minimal possibility - but I am worried about this down the line happening too. At the moment, all the time we have been married, when he has been attracted to other women, it has been to very dominating, controlling, cruel and low empathy women, the female version of him - if he ever gets with one of them, it is going to be very interesting to see how this unfolds. Two such beings together who do not give an inch.

I am a people pleaser, and very submissive my nature, this was the frustration in my first thread, except I did not phrase it very coherently.

Middle ground to running away to mum's without younger DS would be to just get a place of my own to rent now near his college with a room for him and then let him make up his own mind after he has the facts given to him, as to how many days he wants to stay and where for the few more years before he is on his own I suppose. I could also have my mother over, and my older DS who is 23 and has just started working now and is 3-4 hours away.

Money is a big constraint at the moment as I had already asked for an unpaid 6 month sabbatical from Oct - and I still want to do that. I think there is another big reason why he was so angry - because I had been planning to do that after 25 years of paying more than 50pc of the bills (more like 70-75pc).

Is there an option to get two rooms in one of those 4-5 bed flats on spareroom.co.uk? one for me and a spare one next to me to be used in turn for DS2, DS1 during the 3 visits a year or so, and DM whenever she wants my company.

I would go back to paid work for sure by May (Nov-April was the planned break), because I want to and not because STBEX would have wanted me to.

I have been on spareroom this morning, I am age barred against most, not that living with 20 somethings looking for a flatmate would be ideal for me either

Will keep looking and see what options I have

Make sure you get every damned penny you are entitled to. And stop paying towards the house the second you leave.
You have made a very serious mistake not reporting this to the police. His word against your word isnt how it works anymore.
I should know Ive been there.
He can delay the divorce proceedings for as long as he wants....years. not pay the mortgage, do whatever he wants and you'll get nothing in the end. You need to ring the police and get him removed from the home.
If you dont do this YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING.
Mark my words I have been there and done that.
Its not too late do it.
I cant look at this thread anymore I can see ylu're not gking to report it will walk away and let him get everything and refuse a divorce for years.

I think you need to get legal advice. You need to play the long game and if you leave the home I think your right to keep it is diminished, do please talk to a family lawyer before making any decisions and I completely agree you need to report this to the police even if it is just that you want them to be aware of it but don’t want any action for the reasons you’ve described.

Kindly, I feel you are looking for excuses not to report him. You can go to the police and ask for his behaviour to be recorded. You do not have to press charges- that is another step. Talk to Womens Aid about this process. He does not have to be questioned only if you push this as wanting him charged for an offence. If you fear he will hit you again after reporting it, don't tell him!
But the fact is you are living in fear of him.
Having to bolt yourself into a room at home shows this.
He could have a restraining order or whatever- take advice.

Again, have you spoken to women's aid and asked for advice?

The fact is he needs to be the one looking on Spare Room or somewhere to live- a B&B, hotel whatever. You shouldn't be the one to leave.
Maybe separate out the work, your Mum's needs and what you need to do now re. your H. Your mum is a convenient 'bolt hole' but it's not really the answer.

As others have said here, tomorrow you ought to be seeing a solicitor or making an appt for one and asking for divorce. They will also advise you.
Instead of talking about renting a room, you need to be moving (literally) and working on a divorce, a settlement, and dividing up the equity on your house you own.

I appreciate you're feeling raw, scared etc but some of your ideas aren't very realistic- this is not the best time to take 6 months away from work with no pay.

If you've not done it, get on the phone to women's aid and ask for advice.

Do you feel you are to blame in some way for being assaulted? Is that behind your decision not to report him?

It needs to be on RECORD. Pressing charges is your choice. But it needs recording.

If he has £ thousands, let him sweat over finding somewhere to live. He can rent a flat or a house.

I’m concerned that you are planning to leave the house and take six months off work. This seems an unusual reaction to the violence. The person who should be making changes is your H, not you. It’s he who should be having to suffer the consequences of his actions, not you.

I encourage you again to report this to the police who should have a DV specialist to talk to and who can advise you on the steps you can take to protect yourself. They’ll be able to help with suggestions on removing him from the house, restraining orders etc.

Also talk to Women’s Aid who can advise you on next steps.

Fgs... file a police report...

He is the abuser there should be consequences - he should have to leave

I'd hope he kicks off again. Film it amd file it and get a restrainig order and have him move out.
It's your house... you paid for it.

@JinglingSpringbells , no I can see it for what it is. Nothing justifies violence.

No matter how much he is telling people as a heads up, that I might call them to talk about this and that I DROVE HIM TO IT, he is convinced he is a nice guy married to a crazy bitch and well, you all have not heard his side of it, but you are clear that nothing justifies violence, that is why it helps coming on here tremendously.

He is talking to one of the church people now as I write this, one of the men have been home this morning. One of the interesting things I note on the patriarchy is that they have lost control over most women, so on the submissive and traditional ones they still have some control over, they double down even harsher (when you'd think it would sanely be the reverse). Anyway, I do not care anymore, what he tells people.

My sons are not ready for him to be reported, but I am hoping in a little time they will support that. My DS2 for example, I have shielded him so much, that he has been spared most if not all of his dad's ways. I think once he has had a chance to think about this, he would encourage me to report. I await this.

I have spoken to my sister in law, H's sister and she is begging me not to report. She has recently had a stroke and is going through a very hard time for many reasons. It would ruin our 25 years of friendship. She agrees it is inexcusable and I need to leave the marriage - but begs that she has gotten him to promise to stay away from me etc to avoid any repeat and to just co parent our young adults when a situation requires both our support and attendance by the DC.

I am trying to get my head clear here and do the right thing for everyone

I cant hope he kicks off again, because it was physically very painful and its the most scary thing on all fronts to happen. I am terrified even at the thought

He has paid towards the house too

Respectfully, stop trying to make everyone happy. Do what makes you happy. I’m not saying disregard your DS in the mix obviously, but they need to understand that you’ve got to do what makes you feel safe,

A police report is crucial for you, for any future partners your Stbx has, for the protection of you and your children.

What would you tell your best friend/sister/daughter if they were in this position?

Honestly - you need to file a police report.

Posting on here claiming moral high ground and labelling him "a criminal" isnt going to improve your situation.

Filing a police report will.
The threshold for violence against women is so high close to fuck all will happen anyway..

Okay

I am looking at rentals near the college about 30 mins away from the family home, will move asap with DS2 and then report.

Will come back to update - I probly need to let go of the career break dream for the moment, or even the foreseeable future, but perhaps down the line when the assets are split and family home is sold.

Patience I see is key.

Mum is ready to come stay with me early next year, that way I can house both DS2 and mum whenever she wants to long-visit but I need an income, will need to put off any thoughts of a break. May still need to change jobs end of this year though but I can do that.

Patience is the key?

No, the key is to report him.
You're protecting him and your sons, from the reality.

I've also posted that you can report this, get it on record, and not press charges. The report is there in case, god forbid, he does it again to you or another woman.

Why won't you do this?

So many posters who have gone through what you are have tried to offer advice but you're not listening or taking it.

You should not be moving out. He should.

Take advice from other posters. You will weaken you position legally by moving out.

Again- have you called Women's Aid or another local domestic abuse charity?
Presumably not.

Can I ask why not? Does that make it more 'real'? And harder to deal with?

“It needs to be on RECORD. Pressing charges is your choice. But it needs recording.”

I 100% agree that this repeated assault - multiple times over several minutes, never mind the assault from years ago - should be reported, but the report can’t then just be withdrawn. Pressing charges is not the choice of a victim of crime once the crime has been reported. They can refuse to testify but in theory the CPS can proceed with a case anyway.

To reiterate, I absolutely agree that this should be reported, just couldn’t help noticing that legal point.

I'm grateful you have corrected me. I knew of a case where the woman reported but didn't want to press charges. Maybe it depends on the case.

It's very simple @JinglingSpringbells , my son/s do not want me to right now.

It may that in the weeks to come, this changes

Right now, I need to focus on moving out, I may take a step back from the thread now and update after having moved out.

I do not want to break my relationship with DS2 who is on my side on every other point at the moment except immediate reporting

I am definitely telling everyone at our church though and this will spread like wildfire among the women, once I have moved out. He has no chance of getting another woman to beat up again

A lot of caring people here trying to give good advice to this OP.

I see people repeating the advice and maybe even becoming a little frustrated with OP’s response.

Maybe reading her other thread - which was running simultaneously may enlighten those trying to help.

You sons are not mature enough to make this call.

You should not be making important decisions on what a 19 year old and a younger teen say.

They don't have enough life experience to know what is best.

It is natural they do not want to face the unpleasant truth and also 'protect' their father but they really ought to have your back and protect you and their future.

You're doing what other people want - or are they a convenient 'excuse' for not taking action that you find hard?

We've read it. It doesn't change the advice given.