HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

Last night I was overwhelmed by just a feeling of sadness, I tried to just sit with it, or lie down with it rather. Feel better this morning. I had seen the criminal's face when I had to go downstairs for a few minutes, and 'it' looked very sad. Maybe has heard from DS that I am leaving and is worried about my money leaving him.

I wonder if he is in any way shamed by the fact that his son is now having to protect his wife from him?

OP, you keep saying it is hyour word against his. Do you have any marks or bruises from the blows? If so photograph them as clearly as possible. Surely the fact that he has admitted this to your sons and others within your community (albeit on the basis that you allegedly provoked him) is good evidence? Are you sure they will all protect him indefinitely?

Of course he hasn't admitted anything to the 'community'.
What has he said 'I beat my wife'?

If OP was slapped (she doesn't say where) there are unlikely to be any marks. This is not minimising what he did, by the way.

Usually there are marks when women's wrists or arms have been grabbed so there are bruises, or of course bruises from punches.

So REPORT HIM.

So if their dad kills their mum, how do you think they'd feel then?

I agree with the above.

Talk to the police. To the domestic violence unit. Get their take on it and advice.
If you initiate this meeting it doesnt mean anything formal. But they will make a note of it.

I really don't like the sound of male church elders visiting, to pronounce that everything is OK.

You need to think of yourself before your SIL. Yes you have 25 years of friendship but that doesn't mean you should endure more beatings, or become impoverished because you don't feel safe. She likes you as a friend. She will eventually understand. But stop trying to please her.

You don't need your DSs permission to just speak to the police. You can talk to them about it later but maybe if you did hear what the police have to say you might see that your DS need to start to understand what has happened to you and that your plausible church going DH is not what he pretends to be. Forgive me but it sounds like your son's have seen a patriarchal-led local community, where the men being in charge and the women subservient appears to be the norm. I'm not saying they believe that - just that they see it and so it looks relatively normal.

Your son saying your DH seemed to be cheery and normal after the event really sounds like your DH is lying his head off and minimising everything. So its not surprising that DS is telling you not to report it. But the truth has to come out and the truth may hurt but its better in the long run for your son to see that DH has consequences for his cruelty.
Also sounds like financial abuse too if you are paying 75 per cent of the bills and his lifestyle and having to protect your son's college fees. And your sons must realise that you wouldn't be wanting locks on your bedroom door if you were not really scared. Why does he contribute so little. What edoes he spend his money on. Imagine what it would be like now if you had been able to save that 25% yourself over the years.

I echo other peoples views that you need legal advice about the house. Get legal advice. Your sons will eventually understand and may even be more supportive if you do report this (report doesn't mean you have to press charges)
You shouldn't have to leave the marital home you have paid 75% for. Please find out what your legal options are before you act.

Ask your lawyer what the financial consequences to you will be if you leave the marital home (is it still mortgaged? in joint names?) and he defaults on the payments and taxes and utilities bills. He should leave. And you can sell the house and get your own place. Even if you have to hand him 50%

Maybe take the sabbatical after your've sold the house. Protect your job its really important

You are correct he is a criminal . Divorce asap so he can't get his hands on your future inheritance.

Sorry OP it sounds really tough but its good that you are staying safe.

48 hours have gone by and I seem to be now on

He should be the one to leave not me. How can I report him 'accidentally' like I did last time, last time was a genuine accident - I spoke to the GP when I went into ask for something to take to ease anxiety and the aftermath not realizing they had a reporting duty.

This is to not get my DC conflicted or feeling responsible that they could have done something differently

I can see why my thinking the past 48 hours has been very all the over place, and it was over the past few weeks as well as this woman I posted about on the first thread had been constantly gaslighting me - I now think there is definitely something on between the two. She is married with one fully grown and one almost grown DC too, and has often said in the ladies group openly that she would never leave her marriage but at the same time is open to non trad lifestyle while still in the marriage - presumably affairs but none of us probed. We didn't think she meant friends' husbands in any case.

The previous woman's group I was part of was also in the sect but another location and it was very similar - he was very close to one of them, absolutely denied an affair and I did believe that neither would leave their marriage and that it likely wasn't physical but emotional, esp on his side, he had big feelings for her

I could have just ignored it - except she was constantly treating me and my DC as well with utter disrespect every single time there was any event we were both at. He and I had a big fight that time as well when I tried to cut her out of my life - this is like history repeating itself.

There was someone on here who posted a few months ago about how she filed a form with the police asking them to keep a record that her husband was abusive ( it was verbal abuse ) and they still came and arrested him - taking her completely off guard as she did not have money and was on her own with little ones or similar. Everyone said what did you expect when you told the police. Trying to find her thread to see how she is now but can't find it

Is thi s Christian sect related to a certain culture or a location? I've never heard of these sects and I'm struggling a bit to get my head round the misogyny. I used to go to Church years ago and have friends who still do. What you mention is not in my experience at all.

Look, you're getting side tracked.
If he and this woman are having an affair, that's something else and you need to focus on your physical abuse.

Are you asking if you can 'accidentally' report him? Like a slip of the tongue?

Why?

I'm worried about you. You're changing your mind constantly.

What do you want to happen?

Why are you so fixated on what your son wants you to do? Another man controlling you? You know that your DC don’t know the half of it - time for telling a little truth, don’t you think? Time to put your safety and well being first.

Can you ask SIL to negotiate with him - you won’t report to police if he leaves the home?

Or ask the police to remove him

She has been on the phone to him all afternoon and said would call me back tonight

Just 2 months ago she was in ICU .....and now this.

I popped round to my friends' for a while, no one knows and I am still embarrassed to talk irl - I want to go round again tomorrow to this friend who is just a minute walk away and tell her (when her DD15 is not around her)

She did say he was wanting to put the house up for sale if I was serious about leaving him and then we each take our 50pc of the equity - mine might be enough for me to buy a two bed place near the college or a nearby town

By the way, he also told her the same thing, that I drove him to it by constantly being a cow and suspicious whenever he talked to any of my friends. That's not true though, well the second part is not true - about me being a cow, maybe, sometimes. But being a cow is not an arrestable offence on it's own while hitting someone is

Italiangreyhound: I[m a physio so I knew I had to stay calm. Or die.
This was in 1981. Went on to become an alpinist and trekker 😊I live in Seitzerland but I[m a Brit.

Imo, he needs reporting.

It's not the first time he's assaulted you and you said he hit you four times over the space of ten minutes.

Men like him absolutely need to be held accountable.

I'm Black, so that is why the bruises did not show I suppose in the way you might be expecting.

Am on the Southall sisters website now, contemplating reporting to them

Do it, and screenshot it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5517759-police-action-after-101-call-has-left-us-separated-and-struggling-financially?page=21&reply=154048322

and I expect he knew that when he hit you.

My 19 YO has been hinting he wants his room back to himself and the locksmith has not been round yet, I will be keeping three large cases and a clothes drier stand against the guest room door at 11pmish before I sleep

It seems to have taken you a very long time to get a locksmith.

I have also given this advice and nowhere did I suggest changing the advice.