HUsband hit me this evening

[PinkPanthreess]

Husband hit me 4 times this evening

please tell me there is no going back from this and I need to leave

Regardless of you, OP, this man may go on to commit further violent crimes against women, either future partners or any women.
He needs to have this on record.

The fact that one of your children (son?) thinks the violence was 'fitting' is shocking. You said he thought your H had 'been pushed' to do it.

If this is the role model he's had ( a violent dad) what does it say about he may treat the women in his life?

For future reference (because stats say it’s up to 9 incidents before someone permanently splits up with their abusive partner), if you call the police after being attacked, they will remove the offender. I’m disgusted at your adult kids telling you he was pushed to it. There is no excuse for hitting someone. At a minimum, you should call the non-emergency line so a marker can be placed on your house for domestic violence if you didn’t call last night.

So your children are ok with the fact that a man hit a woman? What darlings they must be. Police, now, stand up for yourself.

@PinkPanthreess
4 slaps
14 slaps
24 slaps
You get my drift?
Then so on and so on just
Leave, and
Report him to the police
Bet if he were asked he'd say theyd been "slight taps"
And you'd overreacted ..........

I was going to reply to your other thread about the narc, but when I saw this has happened I figured you probably didnt need the pile on I was going to give. But now having read this thread, I’m going so share my cruel to be kind view on this.

You describe yourself as an empath (a descriptor I hate anyway), but honestly I think you might be using this a synonym for a people pleaser.

Your husband has hit you. You can never entice anyone to do that and it be justified. It is criminal and he will do it again, to you or others. You’re making your own views and feelings unimportant again so as not to upset your DC. They will or should understand that this should be reported. They should know beyond a doubt that your behaviour cannot justify your husband hitting you, and if they don’t - now is the time to teach them that actions have consequences and it is not for the victim to absorb all of that alone to protect everyone around them.

You need to start putting yourself first - you’ve got a pattern of relationships where you seem to be an unwilling martyr. That is not on the other people in the relationship. You are fully in control of your actions and reactions and you need to realise that and take ownership. Your husband, your adult children and your narc “friend” cannot force you to make decisions or do things you do not choose to do.

Op please allow your (son, I presume) to really see who their father is.

Protecting them both from the consequences of his actions is doing neither any favours.

Both need to see that the police will take it seriously.

I hope this will stop your son from minimizing his actions with future partners.

How are you this morning OP? Did you get to your mum's safely?

You NEED to go to the police for a paper trail/record so that you can get legal aid.

AT LEAST go to your GP and tell them what has happened.

If you don’t report soon, you won’t get legal aid!

Oh, and you need to go the police or GP now to be able to get legal aid. You can’t leave it until you actually need legal aid, that won’t work.

There is no going back from this and you need to leave.

The fact your children who are adults have decided their Dad was 'pushed' to assault you, because of what he told them, is extremely worrying. By your own account, they weren't in the house, so have no idea what actually happened.

Violence against any person, man or woman, is never justified. Yet your children have justified their Dad's actions, by putting the blame onto you. Someone with this kind of mindset, is someone who could potentially use violence against their own partner, and justify it in their own head as their partner 'deserving it' or they were 'pushed'.

I understand that accepting their Dad has used violence against their Mum, is hard. They are minimising his behaviour, because it's easier, than accepting the truth. By minimising the behaviour, they are also condoning it too.

OP, if you have any marks, please take photographs. You need to report the incident to the police. Even if nothing comes of you reporting it, the incident remains on file. You need to file for a divorce, there's no coming back from this. Your husband uses foul language towards you, clearly dislikes you and resents the relationship he's in. You don't deserve this at all, you deserve better.

You don’t need proof. Police will record the incident, even if you don’t want any further action at this time. Your DC thinking you pushed him into his actions is worrying.

This is a time you have to go against your DC. You were the one that got hit. There is no excuse. I hope your DM will support you. Be brave.

I’m so sorry to read this and of course it is the end. Whether you go to the police or not is t your children’s decision to make. If you want to keep the house you will have to explain why you left it so important to have it on record.

have yiu called a DV charity for advice and support?

How very kind of them. You really need to report this to the police.

I hope you are safe and have left this man OP. Others on here are right, you really must report to police. It's not your DC's call and - in the long run - you are doing the right thing by showing them that tolerating violence is not ok. Whether you have sons or daughters, this is equally important. Obviously a line has been crossed - it's 'one and done' as far as physical violence is concerned.

"DC do not want me to call the police, and would be very upset if I did.
They also think their dad was 'pushed to it' as per what he told them, though they agree not acceptable - they are okay with me going to DM"

What the fuck are your children doing giving you the OK to get to safety! But vetoing police.

You need to prioritize yourself.

By not calling them, you are teaching your DC that hitting women is not acceptable but ok if they're pushed to it. Wtf? Are you OK with that? Your daughter putting up with being hit because after all, her dad hit her mum and police were never called. Are you OK with your son thinking its OK to hit his wife if she makes him angry enough? Call the police.

OP "im leaving the house and the 19 year old DC at home right now, to him so his life can continue peacefully without me, I don't know how much easier I can make it on him? as I would love it if he would be the one to leave, and I get the house and the DC at home here"

You are not under any obligation to make it easier for him. He is your abuser and you need help.

The DC are upset about you calling the police because they do not want to, and are not mature enough, to deal with a situation with a Dad who they love is hurting their Mum, who they also love.

They do not have the emotional tools and maturity to deal with this situation; they are conflicted and perhaps in denial and/or hoping that the whole thing will go away if swept under the carpet.

The problem is that: this will NOT go away. You were hit. 4 times. These are factual events - it happened - you would not have posted if it didn't happen. It has happened and it cannot be erased.

If he hit you 4 times last night, it will be more than 4 times the next time.

You cannot afford to risk your life in this way. If he was so enraged (you mentioned his face), he was out of control. If it happens again, in his enraged state, he could end your life. He could kill you.

Have you considered that if he kills you or hurts you so badly that you are disabled - your children would be left with him as a primary parent? Would you be comfortable with your children being 100% in his care, without you being able to shield them?

You have to report this so he is removed / separated from you and your children so you are all safe.

Secondly, your children are learning from your relationship dynamics with your husband. They will go on to have relationships of their own. By not reporting or sweeping this under the carpet you will be giving them the impression that:

• being hit is ok
• not reporting being hit is ok
• there is no benefit to reporting abuse
• abusers can get away with anything
• it is ok to abuse

Try to think of what messages you are sending to your children. They are kids, they are young, they just want all of this to go away - understandable of course. But it cannot go away.

As parents, part of what we teach is about actions and subsequent consequences. We do this when they are toddlers (don't touch a hot stove), we do this when they are teenagers (don't drink too much and leave yourself vulnerable and unable to get home safely) etc. This is the same thing.

If you re-frame this as a parenting responsibility - teaching your children that abuse is NEVER acceptable - it might help you re-frame your fears. Just like your teenagers didn't like certain rules, they were set and enforced for their own good.

This is the same thing. It is for THEIR own good for you to report this, and see it through as best you can. They need to know that certain horrible behaviours come with consequences. It is for YOUR own good because you deserve to live a life that is not in fear of being hurt by someone who is supposed to love and care for you.

25 years with someone is a long time and I empathise greatly with this (I lost a marriage of 22 years) but you have to do this for yourself and for your kids because honestly, the alternative is horrible.

I am sorry he hit you. You didn't deserve it - no matter what happened before. It doesn't matter if there were tensions in the home before, it doesn't matter if words were exchanged, it doesn't matter if things have been rocky for a while - you did not deserve to be hit.

Take pics of any injuries and save them password protected on your device.

I hope you can find the strength to seek better for yourself. One step at a time. You do not deserve to be treated like this. No one does.

Please call the police, your kids don’t get a vote on this. It’s not a singular “moment of madness” if he hit you 4 times. Please stay safe.

Ignore them. There is absolutely nothing that justifies their dad hitting you, and it is outrageous that they think he should get away with it.