Am I overthinking my son's attitude to relationships? He broke up with his gf because he got bored with her

[ellyy]

I'm not looking to excuse my son, and I'm genuinely trying to work out the best way to handle this.

My son is 16. He's a very happy, carefree, outgoing boy. Today, his girlfriend's mum called me to say he'd made her daughter cry. Apparently, he told her he was bored with the relationship and wanted to break up. Her mum said the issue wasn't that he ended the relationship, but the way he did it, with very little thought for her daughter's feelings.

I apologised that she'd had to deal with that and said I'd speak to him, but I haven't yet because I'm not sure what I should say.

What worries me is that this isn't the first time. In the last 16 months, this is his fourth girlfriend. He tends to date someone for two or three months, then ends it and seems completely unaffected. Today, after the breakup, he just went off to play tennis as if nothing had happened.

For comparison, I have two daughters (18 and 15). When my older daughter had her first breakup, she cried for a week. So seeing my son seemingly not flinch at all is something I struggle to understand.

My younger daughter also showed me a screenshot of his ex's Instagram story calling him a "skirt chaser," which obviously isn't nice either.

I know teenagers date, and I don't expect every relationship to last. I'm also not expecting him to stay with someone just to avoid hurting them. But I do want him to learn empathy and understand that how you end a relationship matters just as much as the decision itself.

So, how would you approach this conversation? Would you treat it as a normal part of teenage dating, or would you be concerned about the apparent lack of empathy? I'd really appreciate advice, especially from parents of teenage boys.

@PoliteGreyDreamer So saying you are bored with a relationship (in effect saying the girl is boring!) is not blaming her? Of course it is. So why do girls have to put up with immature arseholes at all? Why is it ok for boys to be like this and no one challenge it? The op is challenging it and so she should. Why should girls be on the receiving end of this of behaviour? It’s simply not showing respect, let alone friendship. Boys need calling out if they skirt chase like this.

Disagree totally. Every poster has a right to be listened to.

Your so right!

👍

The op says her son got bored and went off to play tennis without a care in the world. It’s not just the mum of the girl. It is perfectly normal to find you are not that close to a boy/girl but when it’s the 4th time, it’s a trait. So being more discerning could spare the feelings of the girls.

This is normal. Better than staying with someone and moving in too quickly. He was honest which is hard for people to hear. He did nothing wrong. It was wrong / over-stepping for the mum to contact you.

He's a kid, he doesn't know how to break up tactfully.

I'm pretty sure children learn manners and how their words can hurt long before 16!

Perfectly fine to not want to be in a long term relationship at 16, but he needs to realise other people have feelings so not say things like he's bored of them. I'd be concerned about his complete lack of empathy rather than the fact he's having short term relationships at his age.

According to some of the responses clearly lots of people disagree. If he’s held hands with her once he’s made a lifetime commitment. How dare he date 4 different girls at 16 - what a dreadful human being!

No,I definitely don't agree 16 year olds need to commit to long term. Even as adults you're only getting to know someone to see if you fit early on. It's the way he's handled ending it, OP definitely needs to speak to him about that just to give some guidance for the future.

I agree with you, but some of the responses to this have been insanely OTT.

@NewDogOwner I think “honesty” and being rather nasty are too close for comfort. It’s often unkind to be brutally honest and I dislike this sort of blunt person. Teens do need to learn better manners. Being honest is shorthand for having no empathy. That’s certainly not pleasant in an adult.

"I don’t believe many 16 year olds are going to be listening to their mums advice about kindness and respect when it comes to relationships. I doubt many want to go anywhere near that topic. I should think the opinions of their friends and peers holds far greater weight. "

What a shame this is. It's completely backwards to have a "relationship" or sex on such a basis

I apologised that she'd had to deal with that and said I'd speak to him,

Why on earth are you apologising and taking responsibility for your mid-teens actions regarding his relationships? It’s got absolutely nothing to do with you. If he’d done something like SA that’s one thing, but ending a relationship bc he wasn’t happy is healthy surely? What would the mother prefer he do instead? Stay in a relationship he was unhappy in - would she encourage her daughter to? Or cheat on her daughter bc he no longer wanted to be with her but was forced to stay to spare her feelings? At least he ended it before pursuing other girls. I understand the way he went about it wasn’t admirable, he still young and boys still haven’t been conditioned to show as much empathy and compassion as girls. Ima Ute he will improve as he gets older - but what ok earth does she think it has to do with you? The woman’s acting like your kids are 5 years old and you can sort the problem out for them and tell your son off making her daughter cry - wtf?

Also, your daughter’s reaction was understandable bc she was the one being dumped. She’s obviously going to be more upset than your son was at the ending of her relationship, bc she didn’t instigate it. When your son meets a girl he cares deeply about and he’s on the receiving end I’m sure he’ll be equally devastated.

I would advise him in the art of the tactful exit. otherwise, his attitude at 16 is quite healthy. Dating should be casual. If he is bored, there is no reason to continue the relationship and no reason to mourn its demise.

Jeez the other mum needs to chill out! These are sixteen year olds! I wouldn’t have that conversation with another mum and my eldest is 12. They all need to build resilience.

Look I’d talk to my child about being mindful of being kind (but honest) in a break up but that’s it.

Also I hope he’s using contraception if he’s sexually active.

His mum phoned you? OMG. That is too much, way OTT.

I would speak to him about being respectful, although that should be an ongoing conversation over many years by now, but I wouldn’t be open to discussing my kids relationships with their mothers. Fucking hell. I think your son is best out of that relationship as the girls mum was very overbearing.

My sisters SS was dating a girl from when he was 16 for just over a year. When he ended the relationship, she asked him to go to her house to pick up some things he had left there. He reluctantly went and was told that her mum wanted a word with him in the kitchen. The mum was crying, told him she was very disappointed they had broken up and that he was part of the family. 😬 They were 17.