Am I overthinking my son's attitude to relationships? He broke up with his gf because he got bored with her

[ellyy]

I'm not looking to excuse my son, and I'm genuinely trying to work out the best way to handle this.

My son is 16. He's a very happy, carefree, outgoing boy. Today, his girlfriend's mum called me to say he'd made her daughter cry. Apparently, he told her he was bored with the relationship and wanted to break up. Her mum said the issue wasn't that he ended the relationship, but the way he did it, with very little thought for her daughter's feelings.

I apologised that she'd had to deal with that and said I'd speak to him, but I haven't yet because I'm not sure what I should say.

What worries me is that this isn't the first time. In the last 16 months, this is his fourth girlfriend. He tends to date someone for two or three months, then ends it and seems completely unaffected. Today, after the breakup, he just went off to play tennis as if nothing had happened.

For comparison, I have two daughters (18 and 15). When my older daughter had her first breakup, she cried for a week. So seeing my son seemingly not flinch at all is something I struggle to understand.

My younger daughter also showed me a screenshot of his ex's Instagram story calling him a "skirt chaser," which obviously isn't nice either.

I know teenagers date, and I don't expect every relationship to last. I'm also not expecting him to stay with someone just to avoid hurting them. But I do want him to learn empathy and understand that how you end a relationship matters just as much as the decision itself.

So, how would you approach this conversation? Would you treat it as a normal part of teenage dating, or would you be concerned about the apparent lack of empathy? I'd really appreciate advice, especially from parents of teenage boys.

No they call them fuck boys

You don’t know that. My theory is plausible and there are plenty of 16 year olds like that.

You’re presenting your assumptions as fact. I presented my ideas as a possibility.

@SomersetBrie Of course the girl bored him! Talk about splitting hairs! She and the relationship are inter-twined and cannot be separated.

The skirt chaser comment was seen by a family member so it’s been used. After numerous short relationships he is not serious about any girl. It rather smacks of using them for a short time, until boredom sets in, and that’s unpleasant. He’s playing the field.

“You’re presenting your assumptions as fact”

Yes, that is exactly the meaning of: “I suspect we are not”

“there are plenty of 16 year olds like that.” Well the word “plenty” is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. When people say that teens, especially teen boys are seeking sex for some more complex reason than the physical release I am reminded of the list Julie Bindle keeps if media stories when men have been found humping inanimate objects, do they hump piles of leaves because the leaves make them feel validated? If he seemed more interested in these girls personalities and not moving on after a few weeks I would think the motivation was more complex, but this sounds totally hormonally driven.

You are presenting possibilities, but they are adding complexity that is entirely unnecessary.

Isn’t this normal at 16? Are you expecting him to marry the girl? Telling her he was bored of her was a little on the nose but dating around at that age is normal. Breaking up is also normal.

@ThatSunnyCrow Er? Of course not. How did you get to marriage? I’d not think 4 relationships lasting 2 months is normal but one caring relationship is fairly normal. Of course it’s not marriage though!

From my DDs experiences, their boyfriends have been more caring about them and not been playing around. Yes, they move on but don’t have numerous girlfriends in a short space of time and declare they are bored. For most dc, marriage is much much later but my DDs didn’t expect to be toyed with.

I get the impression he was being a little too honest and should’ve been more diplomatic, I don’t know that he was toying with her. And the mother of the girl is batshit crazy to contact.

It may be common, but it isn’t normal.

They for sure won’t listen if their mothers don’t say anything.

I would speak to my ds, yes.
Him saying he was bored must have made his gf (ex) feel like shit. Id suggest to him that it isn't always necessary to be brutally honest because it can come across as unkind. Saying it isn't working is all you need to do.
Then I'd leave it at that. Her mother calling you in the first place was weird.
The comment on social media about him being a skirt chaser doesn't exactly cover the ex in glory either. So I'd ignore it.

@ThatSunnyCrow He’s had 4 girlfriends and they don’t last long. That’s toying with the girls and, if a girl has classed him as a skirt chaser, she is right. The mum of the girl is probably wrong to contact the op, but if the DS does repeat this behaviour, it’s not acceptable.

Has he had 4 girlfriends though or is that op and the parent generation calling it that.
For teenagers today , a lot of them refer to 'seeing' someone (at the early stages of a few months). The gf/ bf title doesn't come along until later. It is all pretty casual and laid back to begin with, while they see how things go. Thats my experience with this age group anyway.

That is also how the young women at work describe it to me as well. There seem to be several terms before the label actually appears. And these are women in their 20s so teens will probably be even less clear.

Unfortunately teenage boys are much more immature then teenage girls. I would have a word about him being kinder, but hes 16 so it will probably be pointless. One day he will probably get his heartbroken. That will be a lesson he can learn from or not.

@Minnie798 It might be the parental view but the girl thought it was a bit more didn’t she? Who knows with these teens but I saw this type of trying out girls in boys, even in my day, rarely in girls because they would get one hell of a reputation!

Yes it sounds like she thought it was a bit more. But whether he deliberately led her on or suggested otherwise isn't actually clear. Sometimes one person is simply more invested than the other. That's just life and most people have been there.
It's not just boys 'trying' out girls, it actually works the other way too.

Thought it was a bit more? At 16? Then I think she had unrealistic expectations. Sounds like her mother is prone to over reacting so I suspect the daughter has learned from that.

I agree . But you know, teenagers.

She was obviously more into him than he was into her
it all pretty normal we’ve got boys and yes it’s the same the other way round

at 16 there are very rarely meaningful relationships with any great depth

on the plus side he’s not strung her along

This is appalling advice. There's no need to be so cruel. I hope you don't have teenage boys.

She could get sharper with her replies. When he's says he's bored, say your the boring one, or bored people are boring people, there must be some stock phrases.

It's never a bad idea to talk to people about treating others with kindness. Whether they listen or not us another matter

@Minnie798I don’t think girls want to try out boys because of the names they get called - starting with slag - and there’s plenty of others. Boys see it more as a right of passage and mums of boys might see it as that too. I think having 4 girls on the bounce is a bit much. Girls might well be more sensitive than boys if it’s their first boyfriend. In the boys case, it was no 4 so it’s like shelling peas to move on due to boredom. What boredom really means is open to guessing.

He's as subtle as sledge hammer
Girls aren't disposable there's a ways and means to say cheerio

Hoping he gets his heart smashed to smithereens one day.
As it may make him reflect and become a better boy/young man.

Jeez this thread!

He is 16 FFS.

He was insensitive, but at least he took some accountability for the end of the relationship rather than tried to blame her for the situation.

As some others on this thread have said, I had teenage boys say unpleasant things to me at a similar age. Decades later I don't think hey were inherently bad people, just immature arseholes. It's not nice but this situation does just sound a bit human.

I remember being quite shocked when my DS did the same at 16.

But, realistically it’s not that uncommon at that age and level of maturity.

I would have a gentle word with him about tact and kindness and not unnecessarily hurting someone’s feelings, and how being respectful will place him well amongst his peers and future girlfriends.