Am I overthinking my son's attitude to relationships? He broke up with his gf because he got bored with her

[ellyy]

I'm not looking to excuse my son, and I'm genuinely trying to work out the best way to handle this.

My son is 16. He's a very happy, carefree, outgoing boy. Today, his girlfriend's mum called me to say he'd made her daughter cry. Apparently, he told her he was bored with the relationship and wanted to break up. Her mum said the issue wasn't that he ended the relationship, but the way he did it, with very little thought for her daughter's feelings.

I apologised that she'd had to deal with that and said I'd speak to him, but I haven't yet because I'm not sure what I should say.

What worries me is that this isn't the first time. In the last 16 months, this is his fourth girlfriend. He tends to date someone for two or three months, then ends it and seems completely unaffected. Today, after the breakup, he just went off to play tennis as if nothing had happened.

For comparison, I have two daughters (18 and 15). When my older daughter had her first breakup, she cried for a week. So seeing my son seemingly not flinch at all is something I struggle to understand.

My younger daughter also showed me a screenshot of his ex's Instagram story calling him a "skirt chaser," which obviously isn't nice either.

I know teenagers date, and I don't expect every relationship to last. I'm also not expecting him to stay with someone just to avoid hurting them. But I do want him to learn empathy and understand that how you end a relationship matters just as much as the decision itself.

So, how would you approach this conversation? Would you treat it as a normal part of teenage dating, or would you be concerned about the apparent lack of empathy? I'd really appreciate advice, especially from parents of teenage boys.

He’s young. Relationships don’t last at that age. It’s all drama and tears.

Leave him be.

At 16 this all seems pretty par for the course and I'm honestly not sure what you want him to do differently. Not sure why you and her mum are getting involved either unless there's some kind of abuse going on or something.

This just sounds like how relationships work at that age. I remember very few of them lasting longer than a few months when I was in my teens (not that I ever had any, geeks weren't cool back then!)

At some point he'll find someone he actually properly likes and then get his heart broken by her, it's just swings and roundabouts.

Obviously it's disappointing he is not being more compassionate in the way he treats these girls and I think I would bring that up with him. He doesn't need to keep dating him, but some compassion in how he breaks up with them wouldn't go a miss. That's just good manners.

It seems like a fairly healthy way of dealing with relationships for a 16 year old. They were together a few months, not married for 20 years with children. Totally out of line for the mum to contact you about it.

At some point he'll find someone he actually properly likes and then get his heart broken by her

I was thinking this! One day the shoe will be on the other foot

Eh? He’s sixteen. Leave him alone.

I wouldn't get involved at all. Anyone is entitled to end a relationship for any reason. Yea its a bit blunt but he'll learn.

Bit shocked the mum called you and that you said you'd speak to him! 😳

Mothers of sixteen year old girls should not be calling the mothers of their daughter’s ex boyfriends unless. It might be understandable if your son had been especially nasty or abusive, but there is nothing inherently wrong with him just being honest about a teenage relationship not being for him anymore.

I’d have a chat with him to find out what happened considering a crazy parent called you, and maybe he does need a reminder to consider others’ feelings, but maybe his ex girlfriend is just being a drama lama. You are supposed to be in his corner, not hers, regardless of whether you have daughters.

He's 16, girls find him attractive and he's loving it. Having a girlfriend for a few months is perfectly normal at that age. He has to learn how to negotiate relationships.

Speaking as a parent of a son who is now in his thirties and married, make sure you keep having the conversation about him using contraception. Do not rely on the girl to sort it. Talk about treating girls with respect. He does not need to ever stay with a girlfriend if he doesn't want to.

Perhaps it was a bit brutal to say he was bored but he's going to make girls cry whatever he says if he finishes it, at least he was honest. Why should he cry for a week, he probably felt relief? Suggest he says a stock phrase like it's not working, we aren't right for each other etc.

At that age, those who want to date really need to expect the "relationships" to be transitory and short term. Very few relationships at that kind of age last more than a few weeks (if that). Yes, the OP's son does sound a bit heartless and uncaring to "dump" so flippantly like that. But likewise, the girl in question probably took things a little too seriously if the relationship was only a few weeks old anyway. But, "crying" when a relationship ends is perfectly normal, and she'd have probably cried even if he'd been gentle with the break up. All part of dating in your mid teens unfortunately.

What could he have done differently? Lied to her? Done the whole "is not you, it's me" line? It's much nicer to tell her the truth and just say he's bored than saying something non-committal and leave her wondering for months what she did wrong and if there's any way she can fix it.

I think the break up is be a lot cleaner when he just says "I like the chase, I was never that into you and now I'm bored of you". It will sting but it's much easier to get over someone who says that than "I just need a break" or "I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment" and then ghosts her for months while she waits and hopes...

I too am shocked that ex girlfriend’s mum rang you about it. How times have changed!
I don’t think he’s done anything too bad here just maybe lacking a bit of empathy which is what most others have said. No reason at all for you to ‘have a word with him’.

Is there a man in your life he would listen to?

He is being really cavalier and one day he will a girl who will donthe same to him. Bet he's devastated by.it

Fortunately he's young, not fully cooked. Maybe some male words of advice will help him tap.into some empathy

Maybe mention that his ex gf was very upset with the way he ended things and talk about more kind and sensitive ways to approach a break-up. Tbf breaking up with someone is hard and I wouldn’t expect a 16 year old to be great at it. But I think you’re right to want to have the conversation with him. Hopefully he will learn from it even if it takes him a while to understand.

I mean I’d just straight up tell him to stop being a dick to people. That’s it’s fine to break up but he needs to do it kindly because people have feelings. That he’s not five years old and you should not have to tell him to behave and to exercise some common sense in future so that you never have to have this embarrassing kind of chat again.

Id honestly leave my DS to it as long as hes not been abusive. Some things are better learned by real life experience and naturally growing and developing as a result.

He'll also learn by experience that he does risk one of them being immature and taking it to Insta as has happened, which will likely stick in his head more than mums calling each other about it and telling him to "be kind".

I’m surprised the girl’s mother called. But I’m absolutely shocked at the posters actively discounting to talk to your son about caring about others’ feelings whether you want to be with them or not. Having someone break up with you is hard enough, but he insulted the girl too. He shouldn’t have to lie to her, but he should be encouraged to acknowledge it’s painful for her and not make it worse. Yes, he’s only 16, but he needs to learn how to talk to people. I don’t know when posters think is a good age to teach him manners and empathy. 25? 32? How disappointing of them.

He’s 16, it is what it is. I wouldn’t be getting involved in that at all.

Hopefully he is not sleeping with the girls. I would certainly have a chat with him about women’s feelings and this not being a nice way to treat them with the aim of making him reflect a little.
However the girl’s mum had no business calling you. She should have told her daughter this is what men do so she may as well get used to it and start picking them very carefully and not relying on them too much.

I think it's reasonable to have a chat with him about the language he uses in a breakup. He can absolutely break up with anyone he wants and short relationships are normal at his age (in fact any age really!) but he doesn't have to say he's bored of someone. That really is treating other people as disposable objects and I'm also surprised at other posters suggesting this is fine - perhaps this is why we have so many grown men who are disrespectful to women!

ETA - that's not to suggest he isn't honest as one PP made it out - he could say he's just not feeling it anymore or that he doesn't think they are right for each other/ the relationship has run its course - there are plenty of honest, respectful ways available.

Seems normal as he is 16

Seens a good reason to break up at sixteen but I would talk to him about breaking the news in a gentler way. This is the sort of thing young girls remember forever.

It’s ok to get bored and end the relationship. However, it seems like a good time to talk to him about respect and kindness.

I wouldn’t be worried about the fact he isn’t that upset.

I would however speak to him about

1. being tactful - saying he’s bored with someone is just bloody rude and hurtful and
2. the reputation he is getting, which may do him no favours if he ever meets someone he really likes.