Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

You are not wrong unfortunately, but if it’s possible to play it so you stay (note the company does not pay it themselves, it’s paid by an insurance company that they have a policy with) that will be best. Especially as from what she has said (DH not mobile, talk of hospice care) may not have long and is still working.

Human beings are complex creatures.
They can be pissed off and resentful that the person who they married hasn't been the person they imagined they would be, and be disappointed and grieving the life they imagined.
They can also feel deeply sorry for the predicament that same person is experiencing.
They can also be angry and frustrated, that, that predicament is having a significant negative impact on their and their children's lives.
In my case I would add guilt, that I lumbered my children with someone who has never, and will never, put them first, in any way, including financially or emotionally. For me that is the hardest part.

Ok. I'm just trying to suggest things you could do that cost next to nothing in the garden, to stop you needing to go out and spend money.

I’ve not read all the replies to see what other advice has been offered but just want to reassure you that how you are feeling is very very common. I was a Macmillan nurse for a cancer type that does affect younger people, I’ve had many phone calls with their wives explaining how they are feeling and describing their resentment of the situation.

If your husband was my patient, I would be discussing what support is available and suggesting signposting you to counselling (telephone or face to face), looking at grants for respite days out for you and the children, arranging practical support etc.

there is help out there but it is difficult to know where to start and how to access it, do you have a cancer specialist nurse or team? Are you near a Macmillan centre? I would start there, it’s often a case of leaning your name and availability, then someone calling you back.

Thanks @Fairyrose89 , that’s very helpful and valuable. I’m hoping as a treatment plan is worked on and he gets a proper diagnosis we can get more support. As it is, we’re just getting endless prescriptions for pain relief but there is little relief to be had. I already feel like light years have passed since the original news.

@dontmalbeconme i know what you were doing

@Dymaxion i don’t know that that is the case, I believe DH loves them and often believes he’s doing the right thing by working obsessively. But he’s happily let me bear the brunt of the parenting load.

Op, firstly I just want to acknowledge how sad this situation is, the reality of a serious illness like this on the house hold is very real, and it makes sense that this pressure shows up the cracks in the relationship and parenting. I think sadly it's come at one of the hardest times of parenting - far enough into it that you feel like you've been in the trenches forever, but not yet believing it gets better (usually that happens when the youngest is in school, even if it's just because life gets more affordable!)

I know that what you want is for some change from your husband. If that isn't on the cards though the only thing you can do is shore up your own support. Have you looked into any support for carers, or young carers? I understand the children are too young to be taking on an active caring role, but in my experience (albeit it does vary across councils what's actually available) they often extend the criteria to include children in situations like yours. The reason I ask is because they can be really good at things like taking children on trips or getting them spaces in holiday clubs, which might just give you some breathing space occasionally. And if you could be in touch with other spouses there might be some comfort in being seen, even if it's not from the person you'd want it to be.
Re the littlest ones nursery, honestly it sounds like he's going to have to come to the realisation himself that this isn't sustainable and hopefully he'll accept that it isn't an area he can scrimp on.

If he can't climb stairs then it maybe the care will be more pain relief over his last few weeks than a treatment plan. This might be possible in a hospice. See what they say but I expect he has not long left and isn't capable of helping much with children and has probably been in a lot of pain for some time.

Thanks @Proteinpudding . I do feel sad I’m going to miss the year before school with DD. I already feel I missed it a bit with DS, they generally become a lot nicer as they approach four!

She will be at preschool in September but it’s term time only. Obviously next summer looms but much is unknown and nursery would be closed for a week at Christmas in any case, and since she attended Mondays and Fridays we were always hard hit at Easter. It’s really just this summer to ‘survive’ and count down towards September. I knew it would be hard and it is hard. But hopefully it will soon just be a memory,

More the fool you got doing everything and not addressing the issues at the time, now you're stuck.

Do you have critical illness cover to pay off your mortgage?

I was in a similar situation but he was also severely abusive, I left and lived in a miserable, freezing flat initially. Now home owner and happy, I feel for you!

I think you've articulated yourself very well, OP and put across your perspective very well. I don't know how anyone could fail to understand. I wish you a lot of strength to get through this very difficult period, you will because you're obviously a great mum and strong person but you're not wrong to struggle with feelings of resentment. It seems like he has never really been a team with you? And he's still not even now. He sounds like he has a tendency to close down and distance himself so it's likely that's how he'll respond to his illness. It's pretty soul-destroying trying to have a relationship with someone like that, nevermind co-parenting.

As the cancer has metastasised to the bones and your DH is in a lot of pain I should imagine the situation you’re in now will change fairly quickly.

Speaking baldly, OP, and with my doctor hat on, the current situation is very unlikely to drag on for years as you fear. There may be some treatment options for his disease, in which case his bone pain should improve significantly - radiotherapy is often very useful here - or there may be no useful treatment available, in which case things are likely to progress quite rapidly. A situation where he has advanced cancer, with severe pain that can’t be treated, but remains well enough to work full-time - this just isn’t likely to be sustainable for very long.

I really feel for you, and hope there is some relief to your situation soon.

You’ve posted about this before so not sure where similar sounding replies is going to get you… you were as angry on that thread as you are here. You’ve got a choice- you either put up and shut up or do something about the situation you’ve found yourself in.

I’m sorry Op but this puts a new look on the situation. 3–9 months is the typical median survival for bone‑metastatic CUP (where primary cancer is unknown). This comes from population‑based SEER analyses

I know right now is very hard for you but this experience won’t be for that long. I’d look into some grief counselling. And realise that there’s not much point reflecting on the unequal load anymore. Things will be ‘less intense’ when he’s gone.

Wild you be able to move your bedroom downstairs to where his chair is so you have a living room upstairs? Just to give you all a bit of piece in the day and somewhere to possibly relax. If you’re able to pack a picnic bag with food and drinks, may work better for the youngest at home with an indoor picnic. It sounds such a difficult situation. Worth looking online at sources of support for yourself to access in September.

I’m not angry at all, although I think that your reply was trying to make me so. If it wasn’t so transparent it would be annoying - post a rude and snarky reply to someone in a horrible situation, they respond ‘oh, well, here is an angry woman.’ Well …

You can’t really put up and shut up about cancer though, it doesn’t work like that.

Thanks @AppropriateAdult , palliative radiotherapy is mentioned but it’s difficult to know what else, everything is so up in the air which is massively adding to my anxiety (which is probably why it’s on my mind and I’ve had the temerity to post twice about it!)

Thanks @Smittenkitchen , that’s a very kind post.

@MyDarlingRose no one knows … some things give a median of five or more years, others less so, I just don’t know. I wish I could just lightly shrug off everything but it’s all relevant isn’t it, it’s contextual if you like. I’m swimming to one shore and then suddenly I’m in a different sea with an ever changing shoreline in the best metaphor I can come up with.

Can you switch the bedrooms around so your husband has one of the kids rooms as his office (and with a single bed) and a child shares with you? Present it as somewhere quiet to work during the summer holidays to keep the kids out his hair.

Why on earth are you speaking like this to OP? She’s allowed to post more than one thread about her situation. Have some respect.

Unfortunately people with a cancer diagnosis become very focused on themselves. You can feel very neglected and lost/forgotten. I really would suggest you access Mcmillian's councilling service, it's not just for the patient it's for you too. I found it quite helpful even when my DH point blank refused to go I carried on. Ultimately it's something that affects you all not just him. 💐

Of course she feels angry with a checked out husband who now has excruciating and debilitating cancer which he is handling by being even more inconsiderate towards her and his children.

Who would not feel anger and resentment in that circumstance?

Humans feel all sorts of complex emotions but do not always have the pull the take actions that are suggested by people who are in very different life circumstances. People are extremely complex and relationships are extremely complex.

This is correct sadly. 3 to 9 months for a stage IV cancer with bone mets.

Just want to send love really. I have no advice or words of wisdom. I also think you’ve explained yourself marvellously (and repeatedly).
The whole situation sounds absolutely hellish and I am so sorry.

You need a break op.
If dh needs someone with him arrange for a carer or relative and take the dc away for a week.
Then work out a weekly plan so you not with dh 24 7. 7 days a week.

Thanks @grrrlatrix ; it is a relief not to be told I am angry and posted before!

Forgive me but how can this be certain without knowing the primary source? I ask because AI (my new info source) has given so many varying answers depending on what the primary source of the cancer is. There’s a cyclist my DH referenced earlier who has been living for many years with stage IV cancer of the bone.