Struggling with husband's cancer diagnosis after years of unequal parenting

[aponyatblackbirdcottage]

I met DH in 2018; we became parents at the very end of 2020 and got married in 2022; our DD was born a year later. So we’re now over five and a half years into having children: DS is six in December and DD was 3 last month.

In that time DH has not really been very hands on. He’s married to his job really. He doesn’t do their baths and stories or tidy up while I do, he just sits there while I sort the children then the house. He doesn’t get up with them at night if they wake or in the morning if they wake early. Even if he does do something it’s been instigated and sorted by me and he just doesn’t seem to think he has to do anything. So for instance he used to take ds to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning. I’d get DS’s swimming stuff ready, he just had to take him. Then he’d say something like ‘oh, you didn’t pack DS’s goggles’ - it just didn’t occur to him that he could have packed his goggles.

I am sure I wasn’t blameless. I was working three days a week after maternity leave with dd and became increasingly resentful. It was very hard having both children home on my days off and I felt very alone. DH never took them to the park for a couple of hours. Sometimes he’d take one (usually the older one) and make out that was a favour.

Anyway, I did seriously consider ending the marriage but money was a big issue and I didn’t want to disrupt the children or be a part time mum. I also kept thinking if I could get through until both children were at school I could have a couple of days a week for me and they’d be a bit older and more independent and things would be better generally.

DH then started complaining of pain this year and I didn’t pay much attention at first but he does have cancer. We’re waiting on biopsy results.

He is genuinely in huge amounts of pain and I feel awful for him. Despite all I’ve said above I do care about him as the father to my children and someone I said sacred vows too and meant, but if I’m being really honest I am finding it hard to feel any sense of impending personal loss or grief. Which does make me feel the marriage was maybe not in a good place.

So now … DH can’t walk far. He is only able to sit on a specially adapted chair, which is in the main living area of the house. (Please don’t suggest we move it; we can’t.) He is insisting on working throughout, and holds teams meetings on the chair with the children gambolling about because it’s school holidays. Obviously this isn’t practical at all so I’m having to have them out all the time. I am exhausted as a result, and so so fed up.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I’m so worried about life looking like this for the foreseeable. DH cured would be one thing but in all honesty this does not look likely. DH dying is awful and I don’t want to wish this on us. But this half life, where our home is no longer a sanctuary but a place or stress and anxiety and an office as well is just a nightmare. It really affects the children having DH there but ignoring them and just frowning at his laptop, which affects behaviour.

It will probably drag on for years like this and as it does I’m losing my children’s childhoods and my mind! I can’t just leave of course. I don’t know what to do.

That’s one of the hardest things to accept OP. As well as losing the actual person you lose the future you thought you had. You also find yourself thinking about the conversations you know you should have, but have no idea how to approach them despite the ever present knowledge that time is running out.

You mentioned finances. That conversation is going to have to come soon because if my experience of my DH’s cancer was anything to go by, it wasn’t very long before he wasn’t capable of making the decisions needed and that prompted us to go for lasting power of attorney. It was a godsend when he lost capacity because I just presented it to the banks and other organisations I needed to deal with and I was able to do what was necessary. The problem you have is that if your DH is resistant to it, then once he has lost capacity it’s much more difficult because the courts will likely have to appoint someone to oversee your finances, which means you have to wait for approval for anything you spend. It’s so hard, and sometimes it does seem overwhelming.

Do you have a young carers organisation where you live? They can support you & the dc through this journey, your oldest could go on activities & outings, they offer support to adult caring parents as well. Enquire at your local council to find out.

My husband added me to his main account when he became ill and it meant that the direct debits were paid automatically when he died .We had always been separate financially before.
You are in such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. I would also say that the fact that you do everything for the children will protect them although it is a huge burden for you.

@aponyatblackbirdcottage
I am so sorry you’re going through this. My dad is disabled with severe chronic pain and a special chair in the middle of the living room (no longer open plan, but it was when I and my siblings were children). Not life-shortening in his case, so I’ve had half a century to witness the effects on a family of someone who’s a bit selfish naturally, socialised as a male, and then has to retreat into himself to cope with constant pain. It’s worse to be him, of course. But you know what? It sucks to be the wife or child in this situation also. Idk how old/frail my mother will have to grow before friends ask her how she is and not how my dad is. She had a serious health scare recently, had to look her own fairly imminent death in the eye, and people still asked about my dad. How will he cope, etc etc.

I wish you luck and fortitude, and I hope you can access more support. I think age-appropriate honesty with your kids, ‘yes it is rubbish that daddy needs the living room all day’ goes a long way to help them, acknowledges they aren’t wrong to have their feelings. And neither are you, of course.

How are you OP? Have been thinking about your situation recently and wondering if you're ok. X

I have been wondering how you are too OP, hope your ok x

Best wishes to you, OP x

We’re nearly at the end of a long, long August!

And I have survived although my bank balance is depleted, DS behaviour has been very challenging and it’s hard to know what is “being five” and what is the situation with DH (he’s also had a spate of ear infections which always make him a bit difficult.)

I can’t pretend it hasn’t been hard but nearly back to a routine now.

Its a difficult situation op. Could he move into a relatives house for the time being to free up space at home/give you space to think about things? Is his diagnosis terminal or treatable?

i do think though ultimately, if youre unhappy and full of resentment, then its time to leave as that will only get worse. In his better health times, hes treating you like a slave. Ive just divorced and was in a similar situation of always having to think ahead for them. Its exhausting. “In sickness and in health” dont let that cloud your vision, you wanted to leave previously. Make yourself and kids happy

You know he's terminally ill with potentially months left right?

OP, how's your husband doing?
September and a return to school.and a bit more routine will hopefully make things feel more manageable.

Apologies, i didnt read it all. I didnt realise he was terminal. Sorry to hear that op

Thanks for the update op - hopefully being back in a routine will make things a bit easier 🌺

I think it's quite complicated from what I remember, they don't know where the primary is, but it's spread to his bones and that's what's causing so much pain. They were trying to work out a plan and maybe have more info on prognosis now.

The overall prognosis is 3-12 months apparently for this situation, but obviously that may change if they find out what the primary is etc, then it could be longer.

I hope this is a vaguely accurate summary OP.

Sending you strength OP.
I cannot imagine how hard this all is.
You have had a very tough gig for many years and yanbu with expressing it.
Take any offers of support.
I still think you are in a deeply controlling marriage with a very selfish man.
That he wouldn't support your need for extra childcare support during the summer is not the actions of a good man.
It is a consistent theme of a selfish man.
His diagnosis doesn't change that fact.
YOU have my support and sympathy.

@Hohumbrumbrum once a cancer has metastasised to the bones it is always terminal. But terminal can mean many years. However DHs primary is in his lungs so the outlook is pretty wretched in terms of survival.

It’s interesting to see the journey I’ve been on since starting the thread. I think it’s a form of grief and I had some anger. That’s gone now. What has been really hard has been losing control of the house. It doesn’t matter where DH is, the children are so much calmer and more settled when he’s not there. He’s actually in hospital today and we’ve had a great day and now just watching a film while it rains outside.

I am so sorry for DH. I do love him and will miss him enormously. It’s very difficult living in limbo where you’re between two states. A bit like the last day of the holiday where you have the stress of packing and travelling and just want to get home.

Next week I am back at work so a new challenge again, just have to see what the autumn and winter brings.

And thank you, for checking in on me.

That sounds so very hard. I don't know how much of a help it is to finally have some answers about the nature of the cancer and a firmer idea of the timeline? I imagine you're longing for the whole situation to be over and for limbo to stop but also knowing that will mean your children will lose their father. You sound so brave and stoic-please feel free to vent or to reach out for a handhold whoever you need x

Will the financial pressure ease up a bit once you are back at work?

I only had three weeks off! I was on full pay throughout anyway. I’m not totally sure which financial pressures you mean, but the relatively small amount of time I had off didn’t make a difference .

Sorry I must have misunderstood when you said about depleted bank balance. But then I’ve realised that a lot of bank balances are depleted, during the holidays trying to keep DCs entertained…

I really feel for you all it’s not an easy thing to go through and my dad was so much older. ❤️❤️ I hope you have real life support

Thanks, yes I think most of us are feeling the summer stretch 😩 it hasn’t been cheap. Nearly September though … thank you.

@aponyatblackbirdcottage been thinking of you. Do you have any support IRL? Deep breath and the start of term is almost here.

Not a lot to be honest @Twilightstarbright . Probably why I vent on here! I don’t have any family of my own to help but DHs parents are around. They do live a good hour away though and are also like a lot of retired people a bit set in their own routines and own ways. Nice people though. It is kind of you to think of me.

I do have friends and two are very kindly helping me out next week as my term starts before the children’s. But I am conscious of not over burdening them and there are friends and friends … everyone will say ‘I’m here if you need me!’ but not everyone means it and you don’t always know which is which!

If they are any kind of friends at all then knowing your husband has terminal cancer they will help out. I've helped someone I didnt actually like much when others were unavailable. Not saying they will necessarily do a lot but ask for help when you need it.

The weather is cooler, school is restarting I hope your PIP claim comes through and that you can buy some help by Christmas if you need it.

Reading your whole thread, OP, it’s clear you’re grappling with loads of really tricky issues, not least that his terminal illness has come at a time when your relationship was already quite broken due to his selfishness and avoidance, so it’s no surprise that you’re physically and emotionally exhausted 💐

One thing that really stood out to me though is that you said in one comment your DH is a high earner, and in another that you struggle to find things to do with the children because you’re ‘poor’. And that you wanted to put your youngest in day nursery but he vetoed it on the basis of cost. Is he financially controlling? Are you expected to cover most of the costs associated with the children (incl days out) from your salary alone? Do you have any control over (or even knowledge of) the household finances?

I only ask because obviously you are now in a situation where you have to ensure you and your children are adequately provided for in the future, and I hope you’re able to have these conversations with your DH despite the difficulty of the situation.

He absolutely is financially controlling.
Some extra childcare would have eased OP's burden but he wouldn't allow it, from HIS money.

MN excuses the very worst of male behaviour, even when terminal.

This is a very poor husband and father.
Being terminal has not, and does not change that.

I really feel for the OP who has operated as a single parent for her childrens lives.